The Scars Remind Us

Keiko had just fallen asleep on the floor when Ken pulled out the letter he had half written in the bathtub. He read it over once. It was so elementary. He couldn’t even believe he had written a single word of that garbage. He sifted a tired hand through his brunette locks. What the hell was he thinking? And even worse was the thought that he had intended to send the thing...

“I love you,” He whispered to himself. What would have happened if he had written that? What would have happened if he had even jotted down the name? The thought seemed to stab him in the heart.

He could barely make out the letters in the dim light. Sitting up, he squinted to better see his own pen strokes. He pulled a red crayon out of his end table drawer, since Keiko had taken away all his pens, and began to write.

I love you.

A heavy sigh escaped him as he looked the red wax kanji over again and again. Hastily, he crammed the letter and the crayon back into the drawer and closed it.

Rolling over onto his side he looked down at Keiko. Her chest moved up and down slowly in sleep. Now was as good a time to escape her as any. He carefully stood up and tiptoed for the door, feeling out each creak of the floor before he stepped. His hand wrapped gently around the doorknob and turned. As the door opened into the hallway a sudden burst of success welled up in him. He almost wanted to risk a laugh.

He closed the door as carefully as he could behind him. What now? It didn\'t really matter. He had accomplished what he had come to. He quietly stepped into the kitchen, paranoid even of the slapping sound his bare feet made as they contacted the linoleum. He glanced over at the clock. It was only half past eleven. He had plenty of time to do whatever he wanted before Ran woke up for kitchen duty. He opened the cupboard, took out a glass and filled it with water.

\"Oh, Keiko you missed the glasses. I could break one and cut myself with it... sheesh.\"

He finished his glass of water and put it in the dishwasher. Usually he didn\'t care much for solitude, but ever since Keiko had shown up earlier in the day he had wanted nothing more than for her to leave him alone. He hoisted himself up onto the counter. The other guys didn\'t really seem to mind her. But why should they? She wasn\'t puppy dogging after their every move and their every word. He couldn\'t even stay in the bathroom long enough to jack off when she was there. He just knew she had her ear up against the door. There wasn\'t a lock on the door anymore either, so he knew that even if he had dared try she\'d bust in thinking he was hurting himself or something, and then he\'d be standing there in the most embarrassing situation a man could be caught in. And she\'d just stand there and stare. He shivered.

Getting down from the counter, he paced around for a bit. He couldn\'t watch TV or anything like that. He couldn\'t make himself a sandwich now that all he had was spoons to work with. ...He was kind of hungry, though. He opened up the fridge and looked over the contents. It wasn\'t surprising there wasn\'t much in it, considering there were four guys. There weren\'t ever any leftovers it seemed, unless Yohji cooked, then they were so burnt they threw them out anyway. He closed it. What a shame.

The loneliness started to set in a little. A sigh pushed itself from his lungs. He really needed to talk to someone, about anything, really. None of them could understand the stuff he actually needed to talk about, but he was tired of being so alone. Heading back down the hallway, he crept past his door just in case Keiko had supernatural hearing, and opened the next door over, which happened to be Yohji\'s. He went down and sat at the end of the bed.

\"Hey, Yohji, wake up.\" The older boy mumbled something in sleep talk, then rolled over. \"Wake up!\" He tugged on the sheet a little harder than he had intended to, completely revealing Yohji\'s body. Ken\'s head snapped away. He should have figured Yohji slept in the nude.

A hand shot out and snatched the sheet back. Yohji shivered. \"Cold, cold, cold, cold!\" He wrapped it around himself and blinked a few times. \"Don\'t you know not to rip the covers off a man who\'s sleeping?\"

Ken still did not look at him. \"Sorry, I didn\'t mean to, I just needed to get away from that baby-sitter.\"

Yohji yawned long and hard. \"No hard feelings, man.\"

Ken stared down at a patch of the floor. \"Sorry, I don\'t really have anything to say.\"

\"Then don\'t say anything.\"

Ken turned and looked at Yohji, who had a big warm smile across his face. His bright green eyes had a certain unusual sparkle in them, even in the dark. It made Ken a little nervous to look at him anymore. \"What\'re you looking at?\"

\"Hey, has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?\"

Ken looked him straight in the eyes, not seeming particularly shocked. \"No, because I\'m not.\"

Yohji shook his head. \"You are, Ken, you\'re beautiful. I can\'t believe no one\'s ever told you that.\"

Ken\'s large brown eyes went wide. \"Stop trying to fuck with my head, Yohji.\"

\"I don\'t want to fuck with your head, Kenken.\" Yohji smirked a little. \"Now, your body, that would be a different story.\" With that Yohji leaned in and planted a hard kiss on Ken\'s lips.

For some reason, Ken felt nothing but resignation. This wasn\'t what he wanted, but he didn\'t feel like stopping it, either. Yohji had lowered him to the bed, his hands making their way up under Ken\'s shirt, his lips firmly in place on Ken\'s. Yohji\'s fingers seemed to trace every muscle on Ken\'s side, gently caressing each line and bulge. Ken laid limp below him, his eyes still open and gazing at the ceiling through locks of Yohji\'s hair. Yohji moved down and starting laying kisses on Ken\'s neck.

There was another face in Ken\'s mind. He seemed to stare at it through the void space. He felt Yohji\'s breath against his skin, he felt the wet warmth of Yohji\'s mouth against his neck, he felt Yohji\'s hard erection against the side of his leg. But it was like he couldn\'t do anything about it. He couldn\'t get his body to move and push Yohji away.

\'I don\'t love you, Yohji, stop.\' He couldn\'t make a sound.

A shrill shriek pierced through the room. Yohji shot up and turned toward the door, where Omi stood, wide eyed and in horror. \"Wh-wh-what are you doing!?\" Yohji sat up on the edge of the bed. In the reflected light from the hallway, Omi saw a tear shimmer down the side of Ken\'s cheek.

Ran appeared in the doorway behind Omi, his brow furrowed menacingly. \"What\'s wrong, Omi? You all right?\" His eyes shifted into the room and softened from anger to his usual cold glare. Ken sat up and purposely faced the opposite wall so he didn\'t have to look his friends in the eyes.

\"Yohji, how could you?\" Omi fell to his knees, a tear rolling down his fragile pink face.

Ken felt his voice shaking as he tried to speak. \"It\'s not his fault, it\'s mine.\" He choked, trying not to let himself cry anymore. \"My hands are so dirty, always so dirty. My body deserves to feel dirty too.\"

Yohji was taken aback. His eyes welled up and a clot started to form in his throat. The burning in his heart just made him want to rip it out of his chest. \"Dirty?\" He couldn\'t stop them anymore, the tears poured freely down his face. He stood up and grabbed his robe. Throwing it on and letting the sheet drop onto the floor, he burst through Omi and Ran, disappearing into the dark expanse of the house.

The two remaining boys remained locked on Ken. Ran\'s face had lost its hardness. Now there was an uncertain tinge to his apathy. \"You hurt Yohji. Why, Ken?\"

It hurt to hear Ran say his name in such a manner. \"I don\'t love Yohji that way, I just don\'t. And I don\'t deserve to be loved by anybody. I hate myself! I hate myself...” Ken curled his knees up to his chest and cried. \"I want everyone else to hate me too.\"

******

\"Why\'s everyone so quiet this morning?\" Keiko blinked, looking from Omi to Yohji who she sat in between. \"Did something happen? Come on, you guys, no-body\'s smi-ling!\"

Ran stared down at the stove. \"Don\'t bother, they\'re not talking right now.\"

\"What about you, Ken? What\'s up?\" She looked across the table at Ken, who\'s expression seemed miles away. \"I know you guys got in a fight, but can\'t you all let bygones be bygones?\"

Ken\'s hand started shaking and he gripped his plastic fork tighter. \"Nobody\'s fighting.\" The fork broke in his fierce grip, just barely cutting his palm. Blood dripped onto the table, more from his fist clenching than the actual size of the wound.

Ran grabbed Ken\'s wrist, peeled open his fingers and removed the shards of plastic. Keiko was right behind him, spraying the wound with an anti-bacterial and wrapping it with gauze. Ken pulled his hand away before she could finish.

\"Ken!\" Ran grabbed his hand and finished off the wrapping.

\"Why are you so cold to me?\" Keiko\'s soft gray eyes sat on Ken, almost looking pained.

Ken almost couldn\'t contain himself. \"You wanna know why? \'Cause you treat me like some dumb fucking child who can\'t take care of himself!\" His voice, though angry, was wavering badly. It was as though he couldn\'t decide if he was supposed to be pissed off or completely consumed with grief. \"You-you, it seems like you do everything in your power to make me not normal and not like everyone else. I just want to be normal again! I just want to use a metal fork and shave my own face and take a piss without having to worry about someone listening in! I don\'t want any special treatment! And... and most of all... I just want the pain to go away...\" He choked. \"You don\'t understand a god damned thing about me, I don\'t care what you say! I\'m not a danger to myself... I just wish that... one morning I wouldn\'t wake up at all.\"

Omi stood up suddenly, slamming his hands down onto the table. \"How can you say that?! How can you fucking say that!?\" He was shaking violently, his head down. \"God damn it, Ken! I can\'t stand it anymore!\" He paused for a moment, coughing sobs blocking his words. \"I love you and I can\'t stand it, watching you destroy yourself and being miserable all the time! Don\'t you know how much it hurts? Don\'t you know that you\'re not the only person you\'re hurting... I love you so much... and all you do is hurt yourself. What about me, Ken? What about me and Yohji and Ran... and even Keiko... I want you to be happy... I love you and you\'re beautiful and it\'s tearing me to pieces to see you this way...\"

Ken looked at Omi, a cold pain in his eyes. \"I don\'t understand why. I don\'t deserve to be loved.\"

\"That\'s not you, Ken! Listen to yourself! You\'re not you anymore! You\'re killing yourself on the inside!\" Omi sat back down and looked down at his breakfast. His stomach rolled. He had completely lost his appetite.

Ran turned to the table and sat down beside Yohji and Ken. \"After breakfast you should have the gauze on your wounds changed, Ken.\" Omi glared at him, a hateful look crossing his usually lovable face. Hadn\'t Ran listened to a word that had been said? His hand hit the table again, bouncing the food on Ran\'s plate. Ran stopped for a second, then resumed as if nothing had happened.

\"Don\'t you listen, Ran? Fuck you! Fuck you! How can you always be so damned cold! Don\'t you give a shit about what Ken\'s doing to himself? Don\'t you care about anything at all?\"

Ran put down his fork calmly. \"You\'re overexerting yourself, Omi. Perhaps you need to take a nap.\"

Omi, finally losing the last of his cool, smacked the plate across the table. It hit the wall behind Ran\'s head and shattered. Omi stood up, grabbed his hair and barreled off. Ran brushed the few small pieces of food off of his face and looked down again as if it hadn\'t happened. Keiko smiled brightly and stood up. \"I\'ll get that, no use in leaving a mess, right?\"

Ken looked down at his hands and realized he was shaking. He looked over at Yohji and Ran, who both seemed unfazed by Omi\'s breakdown. Yohji was too rejected to care, he knew that, but the apathy in Ran\'s face was just astounding.

\"How can you keep it all inside, Ran? How can you just take all your feelings and bar them up? I wish I could do that...\"

Ran risked a glance at the broken boy. \"No, you don\'t. Trust me, it\'s not worth it.\"

******

The dancing shadows on the ceiling felt so alive. As he watched them, Ken could not help but wonder how such a strange visage could come from something as simple as the burning wick of a candle. Normally such beauty would warm his heart and draw a smile across his face. He sighed. Tonight the other boys were off on a mission. It felt lonely not going with them, but he wasn\'t completely alone. Keiko was there, and ever since the morning she had loosened up and he found he got along with her much better that way. Sure, she still had to keep tabs on him all the time, but he didn\'t mind as much anymore.

He rolled his head over toward her. He could see her clearly even in the darkness. Noticing his glance, Keiko rolled her head over and smiled brightly at him. \"Something on your mind?\"

\"What am I thinking?\"

Keiko let out a deep breath. \"That\'s a tough one. You\'re not as simple to read as most people,\" She stared back at the ceiling, the mysticism of it obviously enchanting her as it would have enchanted Ken on the normal occasion. \"Just a guess, but... even though you\'re feeling a lot better compared to this morning, there\'s still something bothering you, ne?\"

Ken sighed. \"Yep. Got me. You are good at that.\" He paused for a moment, uncertain of the question he was about to ask. \"I feel terrible. I\'ve done awful things to my friends. So many things have changed in such a short period of time... I mean... Yohji and Omi... they both told me something no one has ever told me before, and Omi even said... well that he... um... loves me... I don\'t know what to do, Keiko... what should I do?\"

\"Well, what do you want to do?\"

A clot started to clog Ken\'s throat. \"I don\'t know...\"

\"It\'s such a soap opera.\" Keiko laughed lightly. \"There\'s so much emotion, so much confusion, so much pain. All that. I used to watch soaps all the time in high school.\"

\"I don\'t generally like soaps.\" Ken laughed.

\"Of course not, you\'re a guy.\" She smiled sweetly. \"You know Ken, I like you. You have a really good soul, it\'s a shame you have to hurt so much.\"

Ken\'s smile faded. \"I don\'t know about that. There\'s a lot you don\'t know about me. My soul has been soiled for a long time now. I know there\'s nothing I can do about it, but it seems like I don\'t deserve anything good, not a single moment of happiness or any of that because of it.\"

\"You\'re right, there is a lot I don\'t know about you, but I know enough to say that whatever you\'ve done, you\'ve somehow managed to retain an innocent and pure soul.\" She looked over to him again. \"Omi told me what happened last night.\"

Ken frowned so hard it almost hurt. \"Did he?\"

\"You should apologize to Yohji, for a starter. And Omi, too, for this morning.\"

\"I know... but what I don\'t know is how... and if it\'ll even matter.\"

\"It will, if you mean it.\"

Ken sighed again, his eyes closing tightly. \"I don\'t know why they both feel the way they do... I don\'t understand it at all.\"

\"They love you because they know the person you really are, that\'s obvious. The longer someone knows you, the more they feel for you, and it doesn\'t surprise me that their feelings of friendship for you eventually evolved into love.\"

\"The three of them are the only people in the world who know who I really am.\"

Keiko smiled. \"I did notice that bond between the four of you. That\'s one of the reasons all of you were so untrusting of me at first. There\'s a deep connection between all of you.\"

The heaviness in Ken\'s heart seemed to deepen. \"Yeah...\"

\"I don\'t take it personally. I\'ve been much worse off.\" There was suddenly an awkward silence. \"So, what is it that makes you love him?\"

Ken\'s eyes snapped open and he turned toward her. \"What?\"

\"It\'s the one thing I don\'t really understand. After all of this, all the feelings your companions have for you... why are you in love with Ran?\"

His heart was stung right then. He hadn\'t said it to anyone, hadn\'t given a single clue or hint. Hearing her say it out loud, hearing Ran\'s name uttered in such a casual manner seemed to sear him from the inside. There was no way it was so obvious. \"H-how did you know?\"

\"It\'s my job to know. When you look at him your eyes soften. You take the things he says to heart much more than any of your other companions. You watch every move he makes, and sometimes, when you look at him, your heart burns.\" Keiko sat up, wrapping her arms around her knees. \"I\'m really curious.\"

Ken removed his hands from behind his head and folded them on the center of his chest, as though the pain were too much to bear. \"I don\'t know... I just do... why does anyone love somebody else?\"

\"Why do you love Ran? This isn\'t just somebody and somebody else, Ken. This is you and Ran. Why do you love him?\"

The silence was consuming. He didn\'t know why. It was irrational, Ran was the last person he should have fallen in love with, but he had. There was no denying it anymore. He had tried to tell himself otherwise for so long... but now... The hole in his heart mocked him. It was burning, searing, getting wider, burrowing deeper. Soon enough there would be nothing else.

\"Because as humans... it\'s only natural for us to want the things we know we can never have.\" Ken felt his very soul recoil into the dark depths of nothingness that now controlled his heart. \"It doesn\'t matter anyway... he already has a girlfriend.\"

\"Does he? Wow, I wasn\'t expecting that.\" Keiko let go of her legs and fell back onto the floor.

\"So I couldn\'t tell him even if I wanted to... which I don\'t.\"

\"Why not?\" Keiko rolled over onto her side and rested her cheek on her elbow. Ken flashed her a raised eyebrow. \"Sorry, sorry! I mean why don\'t you want to tell him?\"

\"Isn\'t it obvious? He wouldn\'t understand. It would be awkward and painful and, well... I know how Ran is.\" Ken sat up.

\"Well that sucks.\" Keiko hopped to her feet and stretched out. \"But at least now you\'ve admitted that you like him to yourself.\" She held out her hand. \"How about ice cream?\"

Ken looked up at her through locks of loose brown hair. \"Isn\'t it a little cold for ice cream?\"

Keiko smiled brightly. \"It\'s never too cold for ice cream, silly!\"

\"All right, let me get some warmer clothes on.\" Ken stood up without the aid of Keiko\'s hand, and headed toward his room.

******

Omi didn\'t have a second thought when he noticed that Keiko\'s car wasn\'t in the garage. He yawned and made his way to the kitchen, the dark silence all around almost like a blessing. Yohji had kicked off his shoes and laid out on the couch; Ran was somewhere else, doing whatever it was he liked to do. He reached his hand out toward the refrigerator door and paused. In blue pen, across a yellow sticky note were the words \"out for ice cream. Be back soon.\" He sighed. He knew it was stupid, especially after Ken\'s blatant rejection of him earlier in the day, but he couldn\'t help but feel a little jealous that Keiko was getting to spend so much time with Ken.

He looked over into the living room at Yohji\'s sprawled figure. The two of them hadn\'t talked all day. He didn\'t know why, really. At first he thought it was because Yohji had made a move on Ken after telling him to go for it, but as each second slipped by, he began to doubt that. It would be a stupid reason. After all, Yohji had been rejected just as he had, if not in a far more painful way. He wondered if it wasn\'t anger, but maybe a cold sort of respect. Maybe he knew inside that all Yohji really needed was to be left alone for a while.

Omi, forgetting the reason he originally came into the kitchen, turned around and headed back toward the hall. He normally wouldn\'t go searching Ran out for conversational reasons, but right now he didn\'t really have much of a choice. It was Ran or nobody, and he really needed to talk. He approached Ran\'s door and rapped three times. There was no answer. He tried again. The same. \"Ran? Ran, you in there?\" He pushed the door open. No one.

Feeling a little down, he continued on to the other end of the hall, which rejoined the expansive living room. He took a quick left at the front door and took a peek at the balcony. Sure enough, Ran was out there, still in his hunting clothes, staring up at the falling snow. Omi approached slowly, then, tapping on the glass gently as not to startle the taller boy, he slid the door open and slipped out, closing the door briskly behind him. Ran\'s eyes stayed on the young boy.

\"Hey, whatcha doing out here this time of night? It\'s cold.\" Omi rubbed his arms gingerly, wishing he had been wearing a thicker sweater.

Ran looked out into the black blue haze of the woods beyond. \"I like the snow.\"

\"Hmn.\" Omi stood beside him, trying to divert his mind from the cold. \"Hey, Ran... can I talk to you?\" Ran was quiet, but Omi decided to continue, all of the certainty dropping from his voice. \"I wanna know, what do you think about this whole Ken dealy?\"

\"Depends on what you mean.\" Ran stared out, seemingly entranced by each snowflake, even though his expression didn\'t flinch.

Omi twiddled his thumbs nervously. \"About me and Yohji... and well, why do you think he did it?\"

Ran leaned down onto his forearms. \"About you and Yohji, I think Ken has to make his own decisions. As to why he did it, I couldn\'t tell you.\"

\"Well, do you think he\'s freaked out about everything?\"

\"He didn\'t seem to be.\" Ran glanced over at the other boy. \"But I\'m not one to judge.\"

\"I was acting like a baby this morning. I don\'t get it, Ran. Why do feelings do this to people?\" He released a short laugh. \"I mean, I tried to hurl a plate at your head, which, by the way, I\'m really sorry for doing.\"

\"Strong feelings tend to evoke strong actions. Even I can vouch for that.\" He shifted his weight onto his other foot. \"I remember those two years after Aya was hospitalized, even seeing Takatori\'s face in my mind, even hearing the name, made me go insane with rage.\"

\"Yeah, it was kinda scary, too.\" Omi smiled bitterly. \"But, ah, there\'s one more thing I want to ask you...\" He started to push snow into little piles with his toe. \"Do you think I\'d even have a chance with Ken now that Yohji, um, likes him too?\"

\"Didn\'t Ken say he didn\'t like him that way?\"

\"Um... yeah, he did... I forgot about that.\"

A door opened in the distance. Both of the boys turned simultaneously for but a brief moment. Keiko\'s bright voice flooded the hallways, so happy and loud they could even hear it on the balcony where they still stood. Ran nodded his head toward the door. \"The circus is back in town.\"

******

Ken felt himself smiling, really smiling, for the first time in what seemed like ages. Keiko took him by the hand and dragged him down the hallway to the living room. Yohji was still sprawled on the couch, his eyes wide open but glazed over. The smile disintegrated. Ken unhooked himself from Keiko\'s grip and stepped up to the couch. Yohji gave no real notice. \"Hey, Yotan...\"

The taller boy\'s eyes shifted a little, but he still did not turn. \"Hey, Ken.\"

\"Yohji, hey, about yesterday...\"

\"Don\'t worry about it.\" Yohji sighed. \"It\'s not your fault, I was being pushy.\"

Ken vaulted himself over the couch and landed right beside his friend. \"No, no, no. I\'m sorry, I\'ve been really upset lately, and I\'ve been doing a lot of stupid things... a LOT of stupid things. I didn\'t mean to get you tangled up in all my bullshit. You really didn\'t deserve to get dragged in, but I guess misery really does love company, now doesn\'t it? But, I... uh don\'t want this to ruin our friendship.\" Ken felt a little awkward. \"Uh, yeah, so sorry.\" He leaned in and gave Yohji a quick peck on the lips. \"Friends?\" Ken suddenly felt completely ridiculous. That was the second time now he had kissed a man... or did that even count? Either way, it was a little bolder than he had planned...

Yohji\'s expression changed almost instantly with the kiss. His eyes had widened with surprise and just a little hint of confusion. Keiko, who had watched the whole thing from the doorway, smiled in satisfaction. Ken was doing great. He was really making progress, after all.

Much to Ken\'s surprise, he suddenly found himself locked into Yohji\'s arms in a gentle hug. \"Yeah, Ken, that\'s good enough.\" He laughed. \"Friends.\"

Omi and Ran stepped into the living room, both covered in numerous white flakes of snow which quickly melted and evaporated in the warm indoor air. Noting their presence, Ken stood up. A blush came over his face. Ken paused, his feet feeling glued to the ground. One step... and another. Too close to look back, Ken slung his arms around both boys at once, his head burying in Ran\'s still moist coat.

\"I\'m sorry, you guys, I\'m nothing without you.\" Omi and Ran were both a little stunned by the suddenness of the comment and the unexpected hug.

\"What happened to you?\" Omi\'s face looked like a cherry, but still he enjoyed the contact. He liked being so close to the brunette that he could feel Ken\'s heart beating, and it was beating fast. He suppressed the urge to just start kissing Ken all over.

\"I\'m sorry for being such a jerk to you, Omi, I don\'t want you to be mad or upset. I just don\'t understand myself right now, so I need to work on listening to me for a little while...\" He gave Omi the same little peck he had given Yohji. What the hell. \"I need your friendship and understanding right now...\"

Omi couldn\'t stop the blush from consuming his entire face. Even that tiny kiss had gotten him a little tingly down there. \"Yeah, I understand...\"

Ken stopped. He looked up at Ran like a lost puppy dog. The thought of kissing the redhead sent a redness across his cheeks. He released the two boys and turned away, hoping Ran hadn\'t seen the hopeless look on his face. And as if that weren\'t bad enough, he could feel his heart racing at a million miles an hour, beating so hard he almost thought it would jump out of his chest if he didn\'t hold it in. \"Thanks.\"

When Ken\'s eyes caught glimpse of Keiko, she nodded over toward Ran suggestively. He turned to make sure Ran had not noticed and looked back over at her, his eyebrows furrowed and his lips forming an obvious \'Ie\'. Keiko shrugged sarcastically and turned away, heading for the kitchen. Motioning toward his companions Ken followed the girl.

\"You should\'ve gone for it,\" Keiko was leaning back against the oven, her legs neatly crossed and with a tight lipped smile across her face. \"Couldn\'t of hurt.\"

Ken scoffed. \"Sure it could! He might\'ve punched me in the face. I know what Ran’s punches feel like. Take a punch from a pissed off redhead and then tell me it couldn\'t hurt.\"

\"No way, if anything he just would\'ve sneered at you and then he\'d give you dirty looks for as long as you know each other.\"

\"Oh, comforting.\" He set his hand against his forehead, separating his bangs from his skin. \"You wear on me sometimes.\"

\"Have you tried talking to him?\"

\"Huh?\"

\"Talking to him? You know, lips moving, words coming out...\"

Ken blushed. \"No way.\" He turned away from her. \"I couldn\'t look him in the face if I did. Even he\'d know something was up if I did that. And anyway, I\'d be so nervous, there\'s no guarantee I could get a competent sentence out.\"

\"Oh, come on! You guys live together, wouldn\'t it be kinda weird if you didn\'t talk to each other?\"

\"Uh, no.\" He let out a shallow laugh. \"It\'s Ran, he doesn\'t talk to anybody. He never says more than a sentence or two to anyone but his sister, and even then, he won\'t talk to her if anyone else is in the room.\"

Keiko sighed. \"How can you fall in love with a guy like that... I admit, he\'s really cute, but seriously, Ken. He\'s always so cold and he never jokes about anything. He\'s harsh, and scary and unfriendly, kinda like your polar opposite.\"

\"I don\'t know... I guess it\'s \'cause I understand it or something. I mean, he\'s only been that way since his sister was hit by a car two years ago and put into a coma. I didn\'t know him back then, but I bet he used to smile more. And well, even since Aya got better, he\'s just not used to opening up to anybody anymore. But, you know, deep in there I can see this beautiful person who\'s just screaming in pain.\" Ken sighed. \"I know he cares, he just has to. He\'s still human, just like the rest of us... You know, I think we have more in common than meets the eye. He knows what it\'s like to hit the bottom, but the difference is he was able to lock it up inside so he could get up and just keep on going. I... really envy that... no, I admire that.\"

Keiko smiled compassionately. \"You know, Ken, I know why you tried to commit suicide, now. I can see the cry for help in your eyes when you talk like this, and I know now that all you really needed to help you understand yourself and your emotions and everything else you\'re going through... was someone to talk to, someone to open up to so you could share these feelings and finally learn what they really meant. Thank you Ken.\"

\"For what?\"

\"For letting me be that someone. I\'ve been on a lot of cases, I\'ve been assigned to a lot of people in my three years on the job, but I\'ve never met anyone like you.\"

Ken smiled, almost forgetting the heaviness that weighed down his heart. \"When you first showed up I decided that I wouldn\'t let you into my life, that I wouldn\'t let you try to manipulate my feelings like some quack psychologist... but I guess I\'m glad I met you too, you\'ve really helped me.\"

\"No,\" She looked at him softly, \"you helped yourself. All I did was listen.\"

Seemingly out of nowhere, Ran walked between the two brunettes and opened the cabinet, extracting a glass and setting it down on the countertop. Ken\'s face went red and he began to wonder how much of the conversation the taller boy had heard. Ran pulled the gallon of orange juice out of the fridge and poured some into his glass.

Keiko pounced, her words snapping Ken back into reality like a whip. \"Hey, Ran, what\'s up?\"

Ran glanced at her and angled himself. \"Juice.\"

Keiko\'s eyes grazed the floor, as if searching out her next words. \"Soooooo... how\'re the wife and kids?\"

\"I don\'t like that expression.\"

She wasn\'t quite expecting the directness and sharpness of Ran\'s tongue. \"Sorry, sorry. How\'s your girlfriend, though? Ken was telling me—“

\"Girlfriend!?\" There was an unusual degree of shock in Ran\'s voice.

Ken felt his face flame up instantly as Ran\'s vicious stare shifted toward him. His mind went completely blank. \"You know, Ran, Sakura is—\"

\"Sakura is not my girlfriend! Don\'t spread things you know nothing about. She doesn\'t even know we\'re still alive. Only Aya knows. Only Aya deserves to know.\"

Keiko\'s eyes shot back ad forth between the two boys. Ken was the next to speak up. \"Well maybe if you were more open with us sometimes we wouldn\'t just have to assume what\'s going down in that stupid red head of yours!\"

The older boy\'s expression went fierce, his mind spewing out obscenities and curses like a faucet, but his upper lip only trembled a bit. His throat formed no words. \'Shut up Hidaka, you stupid fucker\' he knew that was what Ran wanted to say, or at least something like that. Ran\'s right hand lifted and he began to point a finger. \"You—you sonofabitch... you have no idea, you have no fucking idea.\" Ran stomped from the room.

\"Hey, Ken, what was that about?\"

\"Ne?\" Ken snapped out of his daze and shot wide brown eyes toward the older girl.

\"Why does that girl think you\'re all dead?\"

\"Oh,\" Ken paused, thinking about how to twist the truth so as to not lie to his friend. \"We were all checking out that seaside temple that was attacked a few months ago, you know, the one that fell into the ocean?\"

\"But... why, why didn\'t you tell her?\"

\"That was Ran\'s decision, not mine.\"

\"You should tell her!\" He glanced over to see Keiko\'s eyes glassed over. \"It\'s not fair to her! I\'ll bet she\'s still devastated.\"

\"Leave Ran alone, it\'s not my decision! He did it because he thought that was what was right!\"

\"You know, Ken, sometimes I don\'t understand any of you. I\'m definitely missing something! What aren\'t you telling me?\"

\"Stop prying!\" Ken stomped off to his room and slammed the door behind him.

******

Ran couldn\'t sleep. There wasn\'t any logical explanation as to why, but he couldn\'t. He\'d tossed and turned for hours before finally sitting up, flicking on the lamp on his end table and sighing. The warmth of the light felt good on his cheek, and he kind of liked the pale yellow that softened the sickly ivory color of his skin. He glanced at his reflection in the long mirror across the room.

It was going to be a long night.

He pulled a pen and a notebook from the top drawer and propped it up against his knee and scratched out the first and only line he had written. Pushing the ball-point against the paper, he tried again, but only found himself scratching out the next line as well. So his poetic inspiration was dry. That happened every once in a while, especially when he couldn\'t sleep at night. He tossed the notebook aside. When his mind was dry... then everything was dry. So goddamned dry, it pissed him off. He pulled a bottle of water out from underneath his bed, unscrewed the cap and took a long swig. He blinked his eyes a few times and pulled out some eye drops. Why was it always so damned dry?

He gulped down a few deep breaths of air and looked over at the pad of paper he had set down below his lamp. Picking it up again, he stared intently into the printed blue lines until his eyes almost hurt. Still nothing. He fell back onto his bed and sighed. Why was it being so damned difficult to write anything?

The tap tap tap of the pen against his chin began to get on his nerves. What was the point? He let out another sigh. He flipped the page over to a fresh leaf and started to write again. This time a letter to Aya, maybe? Didn\'t have to be too creative for that. She loved getting letters from him, no matter how clumsy and illegible they happened to be.

The letter started with a simple \'how are you\', followed by a little summary of all the obnoxious things the other guys had been doing. \'Yohji\'s been weird lately, but he talks less, so that\'s a plus\' A pause. \'Sometimes I wonder why Omi even bothers with us. Since that day in the hospital, a really annoying girl has been following Ken all over the place. She\'s ridiculously bubbly, not like you, in a bad way.\' He gathered his thoughts for a second. \'I don\'t like her. Ken\'s getting better, but we got in a stupid spat today...\' He signed it at the bottom as he always did, for safety measures. Abyssinian. \'P.S. I\'ve been in a strange mood lately, give me a call A.S.A.P.\'

He\'d take it down early and leave it at the flower shop, he figured. He stood up and stretched out a little. He\'d drank too much of that water, apparently. Now he really had to take a piss. Throwing on a robe, he made his way down the hall to the bathroom and quickly finished his business.

He stopped in mid stride when he came to Ken\'s room. A thought had just snapped into his head. It was that letter Ken had written, the one that was left on the bathroom floor. It was written really well, maybe he needed something like that to provide him with the inspiration he was searching for. He smirked.

The hinges did not squeak when he pushed the door open. Ken\'s head rolled to the side, his honey brown eyes focused directly on Ran. \"You\'re\' awake.\"

Ken\'s wide and nervous eyes were still pinned on Ran, never wavering from their position on his face. \"Yeah?\"

\"Do you still have that letter?\"

Ken flinched. \"Why does it matter?\"

\"I want to see it again.\" Ran blinked.

Ken looked around a little frantically, trying not to let his eyes rest even on the older boy\'s feet. \"Um...I... uh...\"

\"You didn\'t send it, did you? Then let me read it again, it\'s not as if I haven\'t seen it once before.\"

\"Oh... all right...\" He swallowed hard and rummaged through the top drawer of his night table. He pulled the note out shakily, trying to pass it off to Ran without touching him.

Ran took the crumpled piece of paper from the younger boy\'s weak grasp and unfolded it immediately, starting on the first sentence before looking back at Ken. \"You should send this, it\'s written very well.\"

Ken\'s cheeks went red. \"Ah, no... I don\'t need to send that dumb thing-\"

\"It\'s not dumb.\"

\"Well you keep it then. I don\'t want it anyways...\" Ken tried vainly to unlock his jaw muscles.

Ran\'s eyes narrowed. \"Fine.\" His eyes went across the page and stopped on the words hastily scribbled in red crayon. \"What\'s this? I love you? This wasn\'t here before. Why\'d you change it?\"

Ken\'s heart skipped a beat even hearing Ran\'s deep sensuous voice carefully pronounce each syllable. \'I love you.\' He knew Ran was just reading the words that he himself had written, but it still took him by surprise. To hear him say that... He wanted to just shout it out, tell that gorgeous redhead what he really felt, to grab him and stick his tongue down his throat... he coughed and turned away. He was never that bold.

\"Well?\"

Another cough. Ken couldn\'t look his friend in the face. \"Well... it is a love letter...\"

\"I know that, but why write this in red crayon? It makes it look cheesy. You should have stuck with the blue pen.\"

Ken finally got it. He just wanted to laugh out loud. \"I don\'t know, it\'s what was on hand, I guess.\"

Ran sat down on the end of Ken\'s bed and read over the note again. Ken\'s bitter smile faded and his cheeks blushed over again. \"If you re-wrote it, it would be very effective. Perhaps on a plain sheet of paper instead of a lined one...\" Ran looked over at the brunette, finally noticing his nervous stare and red cheeks. \"Hn.\" He stood up and walked out the door, shutting it behind him.

******

Yohji watched in amazement as Omi\'s fingers flew across the keyboard. It had to be a talent, typing like that. He took another sip of his black coffee. \"There!\"

Omi grinned wide as the website popped up. Yohji smiled. \"Damn, you can hack anything!\"

\"Whatever, it was just a firewall. I just took it down. No big deal.\"

\"Keh! I can\'t believe Ran, putting up firewalls to keep me from looking up porn sites.\" Yohji pushed at Omi gently. \"Hey, scoot!\"

Omi gripped the bottom of the computer chair tightly. \"No way, Yotan, you\'ve gotta keep your end of the bargain.\"

Yohji grimaced, mildly. \"Hey hey, now, I didn\'t promise anything, Omi-chan!\"

\"Did too! Now spill or I\'ll tackle you!\"

\"Yeah, I\'d like to see you try!\"

\"I will! I bet I could take you down, no matter that you\'re bigger than me! Or at least I could mess up your sunglasses!\"

Yohji cringed. \"All right, all right, calm down, tiger!\" He brushed back his hair, \"You don\'t have to get personal, now. I didn\'t see much, all I saw was Ran going into Ken\'s room, and then, coming out with this-\"

The taller boy whipped a letter out of his shirt pocket. Omi snatched it away, much to his companion\'s surprise. \"Let me see that!\"

\"Hey, now! Don\'t rip my fingers off, all right?\"

Omi\'s eyes scanned over the letter quickly, taking in each word. \"Last night I found myself crying dry tears for you. I\'ve given up trying to be strong. I can\'t be strong. Not like you. I am empty. The shell I\'ve become is so tiring, so tiring and it wasn\'t until just recently that I realized why. I still don\'t know if I understand what I\'m trying to say... Even when I write I feel as if I\'m naked, fragile... frightened. Perhaps I\'m frightened of you. I can\'t make up my mind. None of that matters. One way or another, I\'ve come to find that in living here without you I am... living in hell?! I don\'t know how rightly to say this, and I know I\'m stupid for saying it the only way I know how... but despite all logic, I can do nothing more than tell you... I love you?!\" He was overwhelmed in shock.

\"Damn. What a powerful little note, there.\" Yohji tried to get a quick look at the letter, but Omi\'s hands were stuck fast.

Omi was shaking. \"This is Ken\'s handwriting...\"

\"Wow, didn\'t know he had it in him.\" Yohji\'s voice saddened a little.

\"Yohji, why did Ran have this note?\" For a few moments, only silence passed between them. Neither one looked at each other, then Omi darted off. Yohji sat down at the computer listlessly, picking up the mouse, hovering over internet explorer, then resigning and clicking open a game of solitaire.

It felt like he had been running forever before he had finally cornered the lavender eyed boy. His breaths were short and shallow, something; may it have been tears or sweat, running down the length of his face. Ran looked down at the panting Omi rather blankly. The younger boy looked terribly distraught, his face twisted from sucking in too much cold air. Omi gathered himself up and hurriedly corrected his breathing with deep choking gasps. The taller boy\'s stunning eyes were still locked on him.

\"Ran...\" Omi gasped again, Ran still gazing down at him impatiently, the blank stare fading. \"Why.. ugh...I...\"

\"If you\'re going to say something, spit it out already.\"

\"Why did you have this?!\" Omi threw the note down on the floor, his eyes starting to well up. Ran knelt down and picked it up. \"Are you in love with Ken?\"

Ran looked the other boy in the eyes accusingly. \"Ken gave me this
note for artistic inspiration, it wasn\'t meant for me, you idiot. He had decided not to send it. And as for me loving Ken, no, I don\'t. I don\'t care about Ken. I\'ll leave silly notions like that to you and Yohji. I want nothing to do with it.\"

The two boys\' heads simultaneously snapped toward the sliding glass door.

Keiko stopped in the doorway; one hand wrapped around her waist, the other fastened to her mouth. \"Sorry, sorry, I didn\'t mean to interrupt... Sorry!\" She backed off quickly, disappearing back into the house.

Omi was barely phased. \"You\'re cold hearted, Ran, you know that? I sure hope that letter wasn\'t meant for you because you\'re a real bastard and I know Ken could do better than you! It\'s no wonder no one loves you, you\'re a jerk!\"

\"You\'re right, Omi, I don\'t deserve to be happy and I don\'t deserve to have anyone love me. You already knew that, you knew that the moment you met me! So, yes, I\'m a bastard and yes, I\'m a jerk, but that\'s because that is the only way it can be.\" He paused. \"As a killer I have no right to hold anyone in these arms.\"

\"I\'m a killer, too, Ran! But the difference is I know that somewhere inside there, I still have a heart and I still have a little bit of a soul, and I\'m not gonna give those things up, no matter what! If I did that, I couldn\'t go on living anymore, there wouldn\'t be a point!\" Omi\'s words were broken by fierce sobs. \"I wouldn\'t be human anymore, and... and that\'s all I have left, so I have to keep trying... I have to believe in love and purpose... I have to...\"

\"That\'s because you\'re still a kid! When you grow up you\'ll realize that the only reason there is to live is fear of dying. There isn\'t any room for love the way we live.\"

Omi started laughing a little through his sobs. \"You\'re wrong...\"

\"What?\"

\"You\'re wrong, Ran. You\'re just scared.\"

\"How dare you, you little punk, I\'ll-\" Ran\'s hands formed fists at his sides.

\"You\'re just scared of failing, that\'s all. If you depend on someone else, you think they\'ll just hurt you, and if they depend on you... you think something bad will happen, well... you\'re wrong, Ran. If you don\'t try to love you\'ve already failed. Look how many times the rest of us have lost the people we love... and yet... we\'re still going. We still have hope. We haven\'t given up yet, not like you have.\"

******

Keiko tapped on the bathroom door repeatedly. \"Wait,\" The muffled voice from inside called. She backed up from the door, staring into the doorknob as if it were actually interesting. It turned slowly and a man came out, wiping his wet hands on a hand towel.

\"Hey, see something interesting down there?\" Ken tilted his head.

\"No, no nothing... just staring off inta space.\" Keiko smiled half-heartedly.

\"Well, that\'s good, \'cause you were staring right into my crotch, and that\'s not exactly comforting.\"

\"Hey, Kenken, you know... I kinda overheard something a couple minutes ago... you might wanna know, but I warn ya, it\'s bad news...\"

Ken\'s expression crashed and burned. \"Oh?\"

Tears began to well up in the brunette girl\'s wide gray eyes. \"I was, I was going to get some fresh air on the balcony and Omi and Ran were there, and they were talking and... and Ran said... Ran said... he said that he... he... doesn\'t care about you...\"

Ken\'s eyes wandered slowly to the floor, dropping like his heart just had. His chest burned. He felt the hole in his chest suddenly tear wide and he wasn\'t quite sure if he was going to fall out or be sucked right in. \"Oh...\"

\"Is that it? Is that all you have to say?\" Keiko\'s eyes epitomized pain.

\"What else can I say... I guess... that\'s it. He doesn\'t love me. I can\'t force him to love me. That\'s not the way people work.\" Ken suddenly felt numb on the inside. It was over, it was really over. He couldn\'t believe it. \"I guess, I can tell him now... now that it can\'t hurt either of us anymore.\" His chin began to shake and his eyes glass over. He was trying so hard to hold it in. \"But you have to come with me, because... because... you\'re the only person who understands.\"

The two walked down the hall, Keiko\'s arm wrapped around Ken\'s shoulder and Ken\'s arms entwined tightly into each other as if vainly struggling for warmth. She let him go as they approached the sliding glass door. He slipped in by himself and looked over at Omi and Ran, who obviously had been silent for at least a little while.

\"Omi, can I have a minute with Ran, alone, please...?\"

Omi was instantly pierced by the look on Ken\'s face. He looked broken, broken more than the night in the bathtub, more than the night in Yohji\'s room. He felt as though just looking at the beautiful boy were shredding him to pieces. \"All right, Ken-kun...\" With that he slipped out, his eyes meeting Keiko\'s and finally understanding. He felt a little bit of him die on the inside.

Ken set his hands carefully on the railing, looking out at the full moon apathetically. He knew it was beautiful and mystical, but right now he couldn\'t feel anything. He sighed a burdened sigh. \"Ran?\"

The redhead looked at his companion impatiently. \"What?\"

\"I\'m just gonna cut right to it, okay? I\'m gonna be straight forward with you so we can just get this over with and maybe move on. I love you, and I have for a long time, far longer than I realized. That\'s all.\" The moment was nothing like he imagined. It was so bland, so unromantic, so... nothing at all. It was like trying to stick a heartfelt moment in a movie with no plot.

\"You love me?\" Ran\'s voice was so bland, so just like everything else; Ken suddenly had the urge to puke.

\"Yeah, I do.\"

\"I\'m sorry, Ken. I don\'t love you.\" Ken hated the way Ran tried to apologize. It meant nothing.

\"I know.\" Ken turned and headed for the door. His lips had gone dry.