Starvation

4.

In an unusual move, Goku was up before Hakkai. The monkey was dressed already and smiling at him from the opposite bed. “How’re you feeling?”

“Tired. Thirsty,” his tongue felt like it had withered in his mouth and his voice reflected that fact. Reaching up, he felt that his limiter had been thoughtfully replaced, his ears rounded again. “I appreciate your putting it back. I wouldn’t have wanted to forget about it.”

“I doubt you would,” The monkey scratched his chestnut hair. “Uh, well, maybe, with the way you’ve been acting.”

“How do you feel?” *Are you ever going to look at me again without seeing me as some kind of perverse monster?*

“Good. Ready to face the day, or at least, Sanzo and Gojyo. You look worried.”

“Ah . . .” How to explain?

#Embarrassed, Cho Gonou? A sweet sentiment, but it’s a little late for that, don’t you
agree?#

“It’s cool, Hakkai. We didn’t exactly have sex. After a few minutes, I forgot it was you, if that bothers you. I know you don’t think of me that way.”

Hakkai was relieved that Goku wouldn’t be worried about being mentally undressed. He didn’t take offense that Goku had forgotten who’d been biting him, either. He was more worried that he’d fed so much pleasure into Goku. The trick of blocking the pain with his chi, of changing it into a kind of drugged delight, had come effortlessly. In truth, he
hadn’t even realized he’d been doing it again.

No, he, too, had been too consumed by the experience. He hadn’t known where he was, who he was, let alone who he’d been with. All Hakkai had felt was the pulse of blood under too-thin skin, the Chin Yisou tones of his hunger. This scared him the most.

No, he didn't desire Goku last night, but he *could* have. He could in the future, and become caught in that torrent of hunger again? As invulnerable as Goku seemed, there was no sense in risking it. He'd been so foolish.

Hakkai did little but drink tea through breakfast. He didn’t want to chance eating and repeat the ravenous display from last night. He was happy to see that Goku was closer to being his old, energetic self, though. True, Gojyo didn’t seem to be fighting him back quite as hard over the food, but that could have been for any number of reasons. Sanzo was as taciturn as ever, and kept his face buried in his customary newspaper for most of the meal.

Things almost felt normal.

When Hakkai was behind Hakuryu’s wheel again, things felt even more routine. Sanzo rarely addressed him except to see how far they had come from the last town, or to ask how far the next town on the map was, but that was normal. The backseat was almost its usual zoo, the first car fight of the morning beginning when Goku met Gojyo’s request for a beer with a raised finger. It ended in complaints of concussions.

*As humdrum and routine as could be,* the healer thought. *Now all we need is to be attacked by youkai. I hope we’re attacked by youkai. I sure could use the outlet for this violent energy.*

He understood how tense he was, no matter how much he tried to look like his usual collected self. The atmosphere in the jeep was tense, too, but Hakkai knew it would be. If he could just get a handle on his hunger, on his rushing emotions, that atmosphere would dissolve in time. Either that, or it would explode. Deep down, he understood how much worse it was getting, how it would assuredly get worse daily. It wasn’t something a careless smile, a forced laugh, or even one of Sanzo’s beatings could scare away.

Hakkai mulled over his options in silence. He refused to put his friends in danger, to make them the victims of his thirst. That left him with what?

Walking away wasn’t feasible, and even though he knew he had no room to think of such things, it wasn’t honorable, either. Even though Sanzo had long ago given him permission to desert, he doubted he even could if he tried. The Merciful Goddess herself would probably drag him back onto the path by his neck.

Suicide. Despite the fact that he would never admit it where Kanan was concerned, suicide to him had always seemed a coward’s way out. It just felt too stupid to quietly take a knife to himself one night when he was alone, his bloodied body the only sign left to the others of his quiet suffering. No, to kill himself while alone was especially craven.

He could take Homura’s way out. In some battle against a demon, it would have to be an especially powerful one or else it would look faked, he could simply not dodge a killing blow. He would die in battle, fighting the proverbial good fight. Goku would be able to tell what he had done, though. With closer scrutiny, any of them would. It just wasn’t in his nature to lose deliberately, to fail his friends on purpose. Maybe if he made it look like he’d been protecting one of them . . . no, he would not wish that guilt on anyone.

# Better the horrible guilt than their eventual deaths as dry husks, Gonou. Or will you kill, drink the guilt like wine or blood, and run mad because of it? You walk so closely with madness, as closely as you walk with death. If you take your own life, you can at least assure yourself that no harm will come to them from you. Don’t you want peace of mind, Gonou?#

Peace of mind would be a world in which Hakkai couldn’t hear that pervasive, sinister voice. Peace of mind could come if he was only allowed to shut those thoughts out. If only he could find something just as vile as those thoughts to take out his frustration on.

Cho Hakkai had no such luck. The day was eerily quiet. Assassins sent by Kougaiji or his puppet-master, usually in plentiful supply, appeared to have taken a minor vacation. Of course, logic dictated that would have been the case. Hotou Castle had been attacked by Homura not too long ago, and their adversaries were still in a state of regrouping.

Hakkai hoped they would hurry up so he could rid himself of the need to fire a *quigong* sphere into the nearest tree, or into his nearest companion for that matter. His fingers itched to pull off all of his limiters again and fly until he dropped from exhaustion. His muscles were becoming so taut that his knees were twitching, and his shoulders felt strung through with hot barbed wire.

The heat of the day gave way to night, and he was able to cycle his energy better in the coolness that came. The youkai was gratified that there had been another village in their path. Hakkai had no idea how he’d react to the others if they had to camp out, sharing such close quarters as a tent.

They ate at a small restaurant at the front of an inn, much to Goku’s delight. Hakkai picked at his food, finally pushing his plate over to the ever-voracious monkey in disgust. He didn’t feel like eating despite his hunger, which had gone from a gnawing pain in his stomach and a desert in his throat to simply being a great, dull-feeling hollow. He downed two cups of the local sake, and they neither slaked his thirst nor raised his spirits. After that, he called it quits and sat there quietly, trying to force a smile that wouldn’t quite show up.

End part 4.

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