Too Much

Disclaimer: same

A/N: here's the much anticipated chapter 4! it may not make a whole lot of sense, but let me address that now. all these characters are going through chaos within themselves due to shuichi's actions. they are all blaming themselves, and so their thoughts are going to be a bit chaotic. but i tried to put this chaos as coherently as i could in this chapter. if i succeeded, yay me! if i didn't, then it's true to life. now go read! Ryuichi's POV.

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Chapter 4: I was lying too much to care

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“Ryuichi can finally embrace the career he came back to after so long without having me around to cramp his style.”

Yuki finally calmed down enough to tell us about your letter. But maybe calm isn’t the word. It was more like he just…stopped. His eyes kind of dimmed, and he didn’t move. He just sat in a chair and stared straight ahead of him, and in a monotone voice told us of the letter. But we could tell that he was broken.

Seeing Yuki like this nearly broke Tohma. Nuriko and your family were crying. Hiro was crying too, almost more than your family. Me? I was stunned. I never thought you’d do something like this.

When I first heard the news, I was scared. Then I was angry. I gave Bad Luck a challenge to see if you had what it took to take my place. And then I heard you’d tried to kill yourself, and I thought that it had been too much. You couldn’t take it, so you tried to kill yourself.

But hearing Yuki say that, that you did this partly because you thought I hated you, I couldn’t be angry. Instead, I was sick. I wanted to throw up. My little challenge didn’t fire you up, as it should have. It had you believing in the lie that I had created. A lie I didn’t exactly want to create, but it was unavoidable. Lying is all I can do.

When I was little, I never lied. I was so innocently honest, and that honesty lost me everyone I held dear. My parents were both having affairs, and innocent little Ryu-chan, not knowing any better, told each of them what was going on.

“Mommy, why was Daddy kissing that lady last night?”

“Daddy, how come that man bought Mommy a new necklace?”

The doctors who operated on you just told us that they’re classifying this as a breakdown brought on by stress associated with celebrity. Funny, that’s what I thought it was. But anyone who looks at the silent track of tears on Yuki’s face would know better; the tear tracks on Hiro’s face, Tohma’s face…my face…celebrity didn’t do this to you. We did. We all did. We hurt an innocent young man. We almost killed you.

After what happened with my parents, you’d think I’d have learned my lesson. But I didn’t. I was still unyieldingly honest. So as I grew, went through the different years of school, I won and lost friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, all because of my honesty. I began to realize that the more honest I was with people, the more people I’d lose in the end.

So I hardened myself. I began to lie. I created a mask of childlike innocence to wear, never letting people see the real me below the surface. But within the lies I told were the truths. I guess you could say it was telling the truth while omitting important details, almost all the details in fact. The only time I ever let my true self out, even if just a little bit, was on the stage. I gave more of myself to my audience, because with showbiz, what is seen on the stage is often thought of as an act, a lie. Thanks to my fans, I became an enigma; my true self was a lie, and my mask was my true self.

What you got was both. You got under my skin. I introduced my mask to you, but somehow, you always brought out my true self, my showbiz personality, me. And both personalities liked you. It’s just that one of them, my hardened true self, couldn’t express that.

And now I can see that this is all my fault. I used my true self to extend that challenge. And so you got the idea that your idol hated you. The man who was the inspiration for your career hated you. The man who said he was your friend, that he liked you, who encouraged you…he hated you.

But that wasn’t true, Shuichi! I like you; I love you; I admire you! It wasn’t true! But my true self extended the challenge. My true self can’t show true emotion. My true self is my lie, so of course you’d think that.

I have no one. All my lying to protect myself has prevented me from having what I wanted all along. God, Shuichi, I’m so sorry! Why didn’t I see this coming? I started lying so that I wouldn’t lose anyone. But by lying, I have no one to lose.

And here I stand, crying like a child, a torrent of tears that has come from nowhere. Everyone is looking at me. Everyone but Yuki. I don’t think he sees anything anymore. I’m losing you, Shuichi. The doctors said you’ll be fine, but regardless, I’m going to lose you. And I should have seen this coming. I should have known. Maybe I did. But…

I was lying too much to care.