Little Angels and Devils

A/N: Welcome to another chapter of "Little Angel and Devils" we have here a scene with Sir Integra. Now I admit, she was the hardest to do, because she is the head of Hellsing and pretty much its in her character to do whatever she wants. But thanks to someone on here who gave me a idea (pulling a prank on Alucard) I will finally be able to get a story up for her! YAY! Thanks to monkeygodlace for this idea, or for suggesting something. Either way I couldn't do it without them. Which goes to show keep those suggestions coming people-don't be shy ;)

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing or its characters. Though if I did I would totally own Alucard the "vampire sex god" LMAO! Also please forgive me if I messed up The Major's accent, foreign accents are hard for me to write just so you know.

Warning: Violence, language, images of gross fish guts and some brief nudity (hee hee)

That bastard! How dare he, how dare he humilate her like that in front of her own men! RIGHT in front of the men that she was training for!

It all began when she was giving the new rookies a pep talk. It was all the basics: "Hi welcome to 'blah blah blah blah' my name is Integra something something Hellsing and this is Hellsin of course-damn that sounded lame-we are here to train you to fight vampires and stuff so if you keep your heads out of your asses during battle you will have the less likely chance of being a ghoul and 'yadda yadda yadda'-"

Yeah, it all went off to a hitch.

And that was when she had to leave the room for a minute to powder her nose. She excused herself elegantly and strode to the ladies restroom in the training hall. As she was about to make herself comfortable on her toilet the intercom crackled to life. Thinking it was just Walter about to give out his weekly reports she paid it no mind. But then when HIS voice came on. She was shocked to find out what came out of her disobedient servant's mouth next.

"Hi, I am Integra," Said the voice in a high-tone nasually voice,"and I think of myself so high and mighty that my shit smells like roses and daisies and other gay-ass flowers! Also Major Montana Max is the hottest nazi in Millenium. I dream of marrying him and having fifty sons and sixty daughters. Too bad I don't have that great hot well-toned butt like the uber-awesome Alucard the great! Because I have a saggy butt that sits on its romp all day playing 'AdventureQuest' on the computer instead of giving her totally cool 'if it wasn't for him I would be totally pwned by my loser uncle Richard' pet Lord Alucard the Vampire Sex God a raise in blood packet rations-I waste my money on..."

"ALUUUUUUUCAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!"

She dashed out of the bathroom over the roaring laughter of the men nearly toppling out of their chairs the more Alucard talked: "Now I am going to serenade my lovey-dovey boyfriend Majar Max with my beautiful armpit music..." Followed by wet farting noises of Alucard putting tucking his hand underneath his suit coat and flapping his bent arm to the tune of "Unchained Melody". Holding in his own dark forboding snickering. Integra burst into the room in front of the men giving them a cold icy glare that halted thier laughter for about five minutes.

And then started another chain of uproarious laughter much to thier discretion, directly at Sir Integra.

She ran out of that bathroom so fast that she tripped and fell flat on her face. Her pants were around her ankles as were her boxers, so her bare ass was exposed to half of London's finest in the police, military, SAS, Scotland Yard, and FBI whose faces were beaming as red as a tomatoe. She was angry. Furious at her vampire for his childish pranks. Quickly, Integra pulled her pants up and leaving Walter in charge to ease the men down she sprinted to the office where the microphone to the intercoms were located; when she got there the desk was empty and there was no Alucard the so-called "Vampire Sex God" in sight.

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That afternoon Integra paced around her desk rueing spitefully at Alucard. That was one joke too many. He had gone too far. Now it was her turn. When her organization was under attacked, she showed her teeth and proved that they were just as sharp and deadly as any other vampire. Now, the only thing under attack was her pride. She had to find a way to get Alucard back.

But how was the main question?

Other than her own life what else did he hold dear?

Then it hit her. His coffin.

The next hour she had gone into a fishing store near the piers and bought a bucket load of fish guts. Then when she returned to the manor she snuck in around the back and entered through the secret passage ways that would lead into Alucard's chambers. He was out teaching Seras how to be a vampire so he wouldn't be back for a while yet, she figured, all she had to do was dump the rotten fish guts into the coffin and wait until he turned in for the night. As she walked through the passage way holding her breath, she came upon the secret doorway that lead into his room and came upon the coffin that he slept nice, open, and smelling of that Frebreeze stuff.

"Hehehehehe," she snickered as she raised the bucket up and tilted it over his coffin bedsheets,"payback is a bitch isn't it vampire?"

"Integra no," said a tiny chibi replica of her with white wings and a halo over her head,"don't do it!"

"No Integra do it," added a tiny chibi replica of her with horns, a tail, and a cigar in her hand,"do it, do it, do it-he is going to enjoy the smell of fish in the morning."

"Sir Integra," scolded her angel,"what you are doing is immature and wrong, what would your father think if he was alive to see you putting fish guts in Alucard's coffin?"

"Well if he hadn't said those embarrassing things and made you come out with your pants around your ankles in front of the rookies than you wouldn't have to be doing this," explained the bad shoulder angel,"he started it and now finish it!"

"But think of all the good times!" The shoulder angel begged fluttering in front of Integra pleading,"think of the times when he protected you and this organization are you going to let one little prank ruin your friendship?"

"We are not friends." Integra stated.

"Okay then lovers..."

"Ewwwwww!"

"OKAY THEN!" cried the good shoulder angel desperately,"shame on you, just because you are his master dosen't give you the right to destroy his personal property and abuse him like this, he has thoughts and feelings just like everyone else around here! You are a bad master Sir Integra, a bad master that should learn the error of your ways because these pranks back and forth will led to your downfall and pretty soon Alucard will get tired of these-"

While Integra angel was lecturing, devil Integra was busy filing her nails whistling

"-practical jokes soon enough. He has done alot over the years for you and Hellsing, plus, have you seen him when he gets angry! You have, haven't you!?! Just imagine how upset he is going to be when he finds rotten fish guts in his coffin that is his pride and joy; the only souvenior of his freedom as a nobleman of monsters before being forced to work here. How would you like it if Alucard was to draw a cariture doodle on the portrait of Lord Arthur Hellsing, you would hate that, sometimes you need to think about the needs of others before yourself..."

"Sorry," piped up Sir Integra putting down the bucket,"I wasn't listening what did you say?"

"Whew!" squealed Devil Integra,"that sure does stink!"

Angel Integra looked down and saw that the inside of Alucard's coffin was briming with smelly rotten globs of purplish red sinewery organs and bio-organic instestines that began to stick to the silky fabric of the coffin's lining. In no time at all the flies were swarming over the vampire's bed in a hazy cloud of blacken flies and gnats. Angel Integra's eyes dropped and her eyes popped out very anime-like. All this time she was trying to explain why not to, Integra already did it.

"SIR INTEGRA!" screamed the Angel,"haven't you been listening to a word I say?!"

"No." She said very straight foreward.

"But, but, I am your SHOULDER ANGEL!" She screamed,"devil angel why didn't you say anything!?"

"Because I didn't feel like it." lights up another cigar and offers it to the large human Integra who takes it greatfully,"anyway lighten up, that vein is popping on your forehead again."

"Dammit you never listen to me Integra!" shrieked the good shoulder angel getting very upset,"this is like when you were ten and you threw Walter's underwear up that tree, I said no, but you did it anyway and then you got grounded for twelve months! YOU WANNA BE GROUNDED FOR TWELVE MONTHS! DO YA!?!?!?"

The angel takes out a pair of metal balls and rolls them around in the palm of her hands getting very stressed out.

"Well," sighed the devil shoulder angel,"I think my work is done, who wants to get wasted?"

"But you didn't do anything," said Integra Angel,"what do you mean your work is done?"

"What I do is sit there and keep your happy little naggy ass make the situation worse by borning the host to death so that she does the bad stuff anyway just so she has something other to do than listen to you." Integra Devil laughed evily.

"I really don't care either way." Shrugged Sir Integra lazily.

"Oh you will when he gets back," screamed Integra Angel,"the sun is starting to come up-!"

"Okay police girl," They heard Alucard's voice say after the door to the basement slammed shut,"that was good, but your bleeding needs a little work, the next lesson is how to escape from your coffin in case of a vampire hunter daytime attack. We will use my coffin for the lesson, but for now we must rest..."

"Oh shit they are coming," freaked Integra Angel,"we have to clean up this mess and-HEY WHERE ARE YOU TWO GOING!?!?!'

She looked over to see Integra and Devil Integra going through the secret doorway that was used opposite of the main door which Alucard was nearing very quickly. Angel Integra was still hovering over the fishy gut-infested coffin, feeling her heart skip a beat the moment the door knob turned.

"No! Don't leave me here!" They heard behind them as the door fully opened, Angel Integra had no choice but to puff out.

As Sir Integra walked down the passageway back to her office she stiffled a giggle when she heard Alucard saying that he was going to take a quick nap before visiting Anderson.

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Four hours had passed since Integra put the fish guts in the coffin. She was sitting by her desk, approving the order for amesnia tablets that were to be given to all of the new recruits. Which she joylously made no qualms about of course. Devil Integra was doing a crossword puzzle leaning against the side of the phone. Everything right now was quiet and peaceful. Walter informed her that Alucard was fighting Father Anderson so she took the time she could to get extra work done.

Just then she heard a chorus of cats mewling and the maids in the hallway laughing, as she looked up she saw Alucard push through the door and fell face first on the carpet with his hat tilted to one side and his glasses nowhere to be found on him. Cats clung to his pants and coat meowing, licking, pawing, and sucking on the fabric of Alucard's clothes. While peering through the open door were pretty maids pointing and laughing calling him "Fishycard".

Knowing what might have transpired, but dying to hear it coming from his mouth anyway, she said: "How was your day today Alucard?"

"HORRIBLE!" He screamed prying a calico from his scalp,"It was just horrible! I was so tired, I misted into my coffin and slept, than afterwards I tracked down the Judas Priest supervising a field trip to a animal shelter and that was when THEY came at me...little green eyes and claws, and fur and whiskers...so many whiskers...kittens were the worst...they gang on you when you least expect it! Oh, they seem cute, but when you are distracted, they trip you...AND YOU ARE DOWN! YOU ARE DOWN!"

Integra and her devil counterpart watched amused as Alucard flinched everytime a cat attached to his shoulder made a hacking sound.

"Anderson was laughing," sobbed Alucard dragging himself towards the desk,"laughing and telling the kids, 'Look children Alucard likes to play with little kittens!' and they all laughed, and the boys said that I was a wuss," pants and gasps"-I just wanted to die...seriously...just die...I got out as fast as I could with over sixteen cats clammering onto me like Police Girl on her most clingest day. When I got there, the maids were flocking around me so I thought 'hey, not so bad, I can hit on them with a few kittens, snatch a bit of blood from the scratches that occur and stuff...' and then...then...THEN-!"

"Get to the point Alucard," she sighed scribbling something down on a folder,"I don't have all day."

"That was when...it got bad...they said I smelled, and they laughed at me, because they said I smelled like 'fish-heads' and some of them were even singing that song "Fish Heads" all the laughing, I don't make the maids laugh I make them swoon, it was so humilating...so embarrassing..."

His eyes stared up at Integra deeply, and glowed like two shiny rubies in the black ink well of the night,"Then I went to my coffin," he seethed in a low threatening baritone voice,"and it was filled with...FISH GUTS!"

Suddenly Angel Integra poofed beside Alucard pointing at her host,"She did it!" it said accusingly,"I tried to stop her, she wouldn't listen to me, she dumped it all in your coffin!"

"WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!?!"

Integra Angel levitated herself out of reach of a playful one month old kitten as she contiued,"Yes, I am sorry Integra, but what you did was wrong-GHACK!"

Sir Integra grabbed her gun and shot Angel Integra in the right wing making it fall to the ground painfully."

"You bitch," screamed Sir Intgera,"you sold me out! You sold me out! Angel Devil, tell her that she sold you out...!"

"Oh yeah, she did," muttered Integra Devil trying to find the answer to 13 across,"she did, Integra Angel is a nasty-ass skank that should mind her own business."

The room grew darker which the cats didn't seem to notice, however when Sir Integra saw that the lamps and lightbulbs dimmed without the add of a switch then that meant only one thing: Alucard was pissed off. She stood up and walked carefully over to him with her gun drawn.

"Don't even think about killing me," she whispered,"you can't kill me over a pile of fishguts...what would Abraham and Father think, huh? Remember, you were sworn not to kill me. Remember...?"

The vampire pulled three cats from his legs and stood up, even with a bunch of cuddly kittens hanging from his shoulders he still looked frighting and murderous like a serial killer on LSD ready to paint the town red with the blood of innocents. He gritted his fangs so hard together that drops of blood spilled from the corner of his mouth scrapping against the gumline. He looked like a vicious monster that he truely was depicted as in the Stoker novel. Sir Integra stepped backwards, but kept her face as cold as stone to not show any fear in front of her monster although it was slowly fading away into nervousness.

"Murder," he growled lustfully,"oh no my master...no...no...I told you once before as a child, that the coffin to a vampire is like a part of thier soul, and anyone that wrecks it will be punished accordingly. And that is what I intend to do to you..."

There was a dark moment of silence between the Vampire and the Hellsing woman that was broken when Devil Integra spoke up and said,"What is a four letter word for human feces that can also be used as a minor cuss word?"

"Crap..." Said Sir Integra, as a cuss that she was in trouble and as a answer to Devil Integra's crossword question.

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In a secret nazi headquarters, Maxwell was sitting on his chair when he saw Schrodinger's cat ears pick up and ran from Maxwell's side.

"Ah they are hvere," he replied in his strong german accent,"good good...come ven."

Alucard and Integra stepped inside, Schrodinger smelling fish on Alucard climbed up his overcoat and perched on his shoulder licking and nuzzling him hoping he still had fish on him to give to the werecat. Alucard rolled his eyes in disgust as he pushed Integra forward dressed up in a 50s-style pink prom dress with frilly lacy straps and hemming. She had girly make-up on and her hair was curled and tied back with a large pick ribbon.

"Enjoy your 'date' master," Alucard laughed evily,"hehahahahahe...Schrodinger stop chewing my hair or I swear to god-!"

Schrodinger squeaked and jumped off Alucard's shoulder peeking his head out from around the corner of Major's chair that he hid behind still drawn to the smell of fish.

"Herr Alucard told me vhat happened," chuckled The Major,"such a naughty fraulein youv vare Integral, come, vit on my lap,"-he slapped his knee welcomly"-and lvet our 'date' nicte commence, ja?"

Well...I guess it isn't as bad as what my angel counterpart is going through. Integra sighed as she sat on the fat SS dictator's lap.

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Back in Alucard's chambers inside the rancid coffin, Angel Integra was mopping the sticky digestive juices that satuated the mattress pad. She was wearing one of those hasmat suits with a mop and bucket of disinfectant cleaning the wide landscape of disgusting fish organs that made her vomit every second.

"That's it," she sighed,"I am getting a new job."

THE END

Hehehehehe, I hope you all enjoyed it. I love torturing Integra and Alucard being attacked by cats must be a sight to imagine I bet. Anywho, look for more crazy adventures with our favorite Hellsing characters and if anyone wants to see someone other than in Hellsing (maybe more from Iscariot or Millenium) get a visit from thier shoulder angels let me know who and you might find it in future chapters. Thank you for all your great comments and reviews.