S.O.S

Title: S.O.S

Pairing: Matt X Mello

Rating: NC- 17

Warnings: Severe Violence, Rape, but most important Unrequited Love

Summary: Now that Matt has rescued Mello, his patients are pushed to the limit when trying to deal with Mello’s new over reactive personality.

Chapter Number: #4

Author Note: It’s all about the eyes.

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Three days had passed since the emotional encounter at the gazebo, and Mello had since refused to even step foot out of the apartment door. Only now, it seemed worse. The day after Mello was looking out the apartment window down at the street where he saw a man that he swore on his mother’s grave was the man who had captured him over two and a half months previous. After that he refused to go near the door and the windows. It was depressing, even the very thought of it.

“Mello,” Matt said lighting up a cigarette and staring at the blonde who lay curled up in his ‘spot’ on the couch. He really had nothing to say to the blonde. It was just the unbearable silence that had fallen over them for at least two full hours.

“Yes?” Mello hesitated before answering, almost as if reassuring himself that it was Matt who was speaking to him and not someone else, someone who meant to cause him harm.

Now that he’d gotten Mello’s attention, he didn’t know what to say. And for some reason he couldn’t find his voice to speak. He opened his mouth but no words came out, just emotions. Emotions escaped rather than words. He felt tears at his eyes and didn’t know why.

Perhaps it was the constant image of Mello on the ground in that sick fuck’s garage burning in the back of his mind, or maybe it was the fact that Mello no longer sat on the couch normally and constantly munched his chocolate and shouted obscenities about some person Matt had never heard of all the while watching the television to see what news topics could ‘soothe’ Mello’s mood when in reality he only wanted to find something to make him even angrier. That’s how Mello used to be. He liked being mad, and now, it seemed as if that simple feeling terrified the hell out of the blonde.

“What is it?” Mello rolled over to face Matt and watched him sadly. “What’s the matter?” Matt tried to hide his eyes, but somehow through both hair and goggles Mello still saw the utterly destroyed look that lived within Matt’s eyes, within his very soul.

“I-It’s nothing,” Matt said looking away. Mello sighed and sat upright.

“There’s something wrong, a-and I think….I think I know what it is.” Mello stared at the floor and Matt dared a glance at him. He was afraid to speaking knowing that the instant he opened his mouth to say anything the tears burning the backs of his eyes would fall. “Matt…” Mello lifted his head and Matt looked away, he didn’t want to see whatever emotion was residing in Mello’s eyes. He didn’t think that he could bear it. He was terrified that he knew what Mello was going to say. “Please look at me…” Matt hesitated, and then did as Mello has asked. “Matt, I-I do still love you. I know I don’t show it very well anymore, a-and I haven’t been saying it at all. But I do Matt, I do! I love you more than anything. You saved me and without you I’d be dead now, for sure. I love you now more than I ever have before.” Matt heard Mello’s voice crack. “Please, tell me that you believe me!” Mello sobbed hard and buried his head in his hands.

Never before had Matt straddled the line between pure bliss and utter despair. Mello finally said the words ‘I love you,’ but at the exact same time saying it had made the blonde cry, as if the words were forced out of him because…

/because he’s afraid that I’m going to throw him out because…right now…he’s not even my boyfriend anymore./

“I…I believe you,” Matt said, managing to hold back the tears. “But Mello, I understand what happened to you. Y-you don’t have to… you don’t have to say something that you don’t mean. I’m not going to throw you out or abandon you. You need me, but that…. That doesn’t mean that you still have to love me. I know that you don’t trust me at all.” Matt’s eyes went cold, he felt it himself.

“Wh-what do you mean?” Mello looked terrified. He felt as if Matt had snapped back, denied his love, literally taken his words and thrown them in his face. Never before had he ever imagined that something Matt could ever say would gash him so badly. “You don’t want to be with me…” Mello’s eyes dulled to emotionless. He sat there and stared at the wall behind Matt’s head and seemed to become inanimate.

“Mello–no, that’s not it at all!” Mello let out a sob that was obviously attempted to be controlled, and looked away. “Please, let me explain… I-I thought that… I assumed that’s how you felt… I mean, I figured that…because of what happened you wouldn’t…”

“Love?” Mello said the word so icily, so cold and dull. Mello was angry. “How could you even assume such a thing? I loved you before I left that day! I went out, I called you, I told you that I loved you before I hung up! I was attacked and tortured for weeks and then you save me! You made the pain stop and you think that I don’t love you!?” Mello glared at Matt with eyes so full of rage that Matt was sure the Devil himself would’ve faltered a step backwards upon seeing them.

“W-well when you put it like that I-” Matt trembled. He’d upset Mello, he’d hurt him badly. Very badly. “Mello, I-I…” Matt held back a sob and stood up from his seat, he passed a sad glance towards the blonde and took a single step forward. Mello leaned back on the couch, a dart of fear shot through his eyes.

“What are you going to do to me?” Mello crossed his legs as if sending the silent signal that he didn’t want to even consider being intimate, by will or force.

Matt lifted Mello’s chin nearly roughly with his hand. He stared into the fear stricken eyes for less than a second before their lips met. Mello moved first, standing up to be level with the red head. He didn’t want to feel so small. Sitting down he was more than just the few inches shorter. Matt made the move to kiss, it was Mello’s own decision to kiss back.

It wasn’t as if they’d never kissed since the incident, but at that precise moment, it was as if he was bringing the old Mello back to life. With each passing second the kiss got deeper and more passionate. Taking small two second breaks to breath. Mello wrapping his arms around Matt’s neck, bringing their bodies as close as possible.

His Mello.

His Matt.

That’s what they were thinking. At least for those few moments.

/I must be dreaming…/ Matt thought as he felt Mello press his body as close to Matt’s as possible. Mello used to be that way all of the time. Always wanting to touch, to be as close as possible. Touch and be touched, but it hadn’t been that way for a long time.

“M-Mello…are you sure about-”

“I-I… I am sure…” Mello tugged at the sleeve of matt’s shirt, pulling towards the bedroom, the remarkably last place that they ever considered to make love. Most often it was the floor of the living room where Mello somehow always ended up laying deciding on the drop of a hat that he was in the mood. “B-But you have to p-promise that… if I say to stop…you will?” Mello looked straight into Matt’s eyes, pure fear and seriousness showed in them. The last thing he wanted was for them to play as rough as they usually did on this first time in over two and a half months, but have it somehow end up in rape if Matt decided to not listen to Mello’s complaints of pain, the way that Matt usually did when he was over the edge.

“I promise,” Matt said with a soft smile. “And if I don’t you can hit me with lamp or something…” he laughed slightly and Mello grinned his microscopic smile.

“A-And…b-be…gentle?” Mello looked at Matt uneasily, as if questioning the gamers ability to play nice.

“I intend to,” Matt said, placing a feather soft kiss on Mello’s lips as if giving a sample of how softly he could play, even when he was so aroused that he was sure he could have Mello stripped to null in less than fifteen seconds given the chance.

“I’m serious…Matt…please…don’t hurt me.” Mello sighed and Matt held his hands gently.

“If it even hurts a little itty bity bit tell me and I’ll stop right away. I won’t get mad or anything, I promise.” Mello smiled, he felt flattered. Matt was worrying about him, even though he was pretty sure that if Mello did say it hurt, once Matt was in, he would beg Mello to let him continue, that he’d be more gentle. That was how Matt was, and in a way, he didn’t want that to change. Enough was different already.

. . . . . . . . . .

Mello gasped slightly as his backs collided softly with the mattress. The sheets cooled his warm flesh making Goosebumps rise from his flesh. In a matter of seconds Matt was over top of him, kissing and caressing gently. Both of their clothes were clumped in a pile on the floor rather than strewn across the room like they usually were. But this time was different. Everything was to be done gently to make sure that Mello would not be even the slightest bit uncomfortable. Matt had even brought a bottle of lotion from the bathroom that Mello used to use on his hands to keep them from getting dry and less soft.

Matt kissed his way down Mello chest, starting from the collar bone down to the stomach, trying hard to keep the fact that his eyes were closed a secret. Every time he opened his eyes and saw that pale flesh, he’d spot a scar and then images of Mello tortured and bleeding would surface and his stomach would begin doing flips.

Beautiful Mello… /His/ beautiful Mello.

Matt ran his fingers through Mello’s hair and kissed him gently. /Gorgeous/ Mello. With every piece of flesh that Matt caressed as he got lower and lower down the blonde’s thigh he could remotely hear Mello’s breath hitch and feel the tremble that ran through his body that was caused by nothing other than fear.

Mello was scared, he knew Matt wouldn’t hurt him, but painful memories clung to his thoughts just as they did to Matt’s.

But that was alright because with time the memories would pass. They’d dissipate and vanish leaving nothing but good memories in their wake. The bad can only last for so long, but the good can stick forever. Mello would never be quite the same again, but he could get close. Close enough to taste it, but never enough to consume. Perhaps it was best that way. Mello more calm, Matt more understanding, both of them registering how the other felt before speaking. Both of them reaching for each other in the dark, calling out to make sure that the other was still there, not lost or lonely.

For the time being, they had no enemies nor rivals. All they had, needed, and wanted was in front of them.

Love for one another.

~Alice von Wonderland

Closing Note: I apologize. No ‘lemons’ from me. The last thing I want is my emotionally gripping story to end like a smut fic. (No offense to the ones that exist I am a fan of lemonish mXm) But this ending, I believe, a lemon would ruin it. Sorry, but I have to say, it’s better this way.

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Alice Von Wonderland