The Cactus Fic

Guess what time it is!
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It seemed he’d formed a pattern. Aya was to be his next target. Hit the victim of his last victim. It was like spreading the flu. It hadn’t been intentional, though. It was on the last mission that he’d decided, after a few in a row with Aya’s annoying whining; shine, waa, Takatori, waaa. Sure, he could just tweak a few things and keep the man quiet for a while or he could just gag him but where was the sport in that? And by sport, he meant humiliation.

It wasn’t until later that Schuldich noticed his pattern but it seemed like a good idea to stick to target. Make it more sporting. Maybe it wouldn’t take the boys as long to figure out everything was his doing. And how they hadn’t figured it out yet was beyond him, but that gave him more time to play. He just had to make it more risky so the idiots would actually catch him and he wouldn’t have to break into the Koneko to decorate it in streamers and balloons and cardboard cutouts of himself with word balloons saying, “I did it! I‘m Guilty!”

So, he now sat across the street from the Koneko, watching the boys get up and start their late, lazy Sunday workday from the best seat in the house. The window was open, not that he needed to hear better, he’d pulled a plush armchair in front of the window to sit in and had a bag of peanuts to throw at people passing by below.

All four of the boys were already awake, some more than others. Omi was already down in the shop making an arrangement, Ken was finishing up breakfast, Youji was just starting his breakfast and Aya was sneaking into Omi’s room per Schuldich’s mental prodding. Everything was playing right into his scheme this time and it made him giggle.

He searched through Omi’s closet to find the best outfit. Schuldich didn’t think he’d have a problem finding something that would fit Aya since Omi generally wore baggy clothes but he wanted to find something shocking.

He went for the shirts first, having Aya flip through them so he could appraise them. His mission gear wasn’t hung and he found it was in the locked trunk on the floor of the closet by picking through Aya’s mind. The murmurs from Aya’s thoughts as his subconscious recognized what his eyes were looking at were Schuldich’s guide. If he tried to make Aya wear something he was really against it’d take more effort to make him so he automatically passed those options by. There really weren’t many things that Aya would fight against but there weren’t many that would make him look good either. It was that sleeveless, brown shirt that laced up the front that Schuldich picked out. It was a little loose on Omi but it clung tight to Aya’s chest and looked great.

It was on to pants, then. Schuldich had already decided on shorts because Aya almost never wore shorts despite the fact that he had great legs. Most people would assume he’d look ridiculous barelegged, something that Aya himself seemed to think. With that dark, intense red hair you’d think his leg hair would make it look like his legs were on fire but the truth was that he’d been blessed with very thin leg hair. He picked out a pair of tan pants with a brown grid pattern on them that matched the shirt and clipped on a pair of Omi’s beloved, but unnecessary, suspenders.

Schuldich didn’t see a way around it, Aya would have to wear a pair of his own shoes but he put on a pair of Omi’s silly little socks. A backwards hat and a necklace that fit the cut of the shirt just right topped it all off.

He looked Aya over in the closet’s full-length mirror, gave his approval and sent him down to the shop. As soon as Aya stepped through the door he’d caught Youji’s attention. His glasses slipped down his nose and he reached out blindly trying to grab Ken’s arm to get his attention. When Ken’s eyes met Aya he almost fell out of his chair and the clatter drew Omi’s attention.

“Ken-kun, be more careful,” he said with a teasing smile. Not noticing the source of Ken’s problem he returned to watering the flowers without even a glance up.

“Morning everyone!”

“You sound awful chipper this morning, A…” Omi completely froze when he saw Aya, mind running overtime trying to figure out if he was having some kind of crazy, sedative induced dream. He didn’t remember going on a mission the night before, let alone being injured.

“Aren’t I usually,” Aya asked rhetorically, all smiles.

“Youji-kun, wanna go shopping with me this weekend?” Aya had walked over to the counter where Youji and Ken were, while he spoke, to lean against it in the cute way Omi always did.

The smooth and suave playboy could only squeak in reply.

“Aya… why are you dressed like Omi,” Ken asked slowly.

Aya looked behind himself to Omi and then back at Ken. “What do you mean? Aya-kun isn’t dressed like me.”

Youji choked a little and started coughing.

“Are you alright, Youji-kun,” Aya said and rushed around the counter to help Ken pat him on the back.

Omi finally pulled himself together enough to speak again. “Ken, Youji, could we talk in the basement for a minute?”

Ken nodded vigorously and grabbed Youji to drag him along, Omi close behind.

“We’ll be right back,” he said to Aya.

~~~~~

“What the hell is going on, Omi?!”

“Calm down, Ken-kun, we’ll figure this out.”

“Youji’s still catatonic…”

“What the hell is going on, Omi?!?!”

“You’re a little late to the conversation, Youji.” Ken rolled his eyes.

“I think we shouldn’t stay up all night having sex so often, Ken. The lack of sleep is making me see things.”

“It’s not my fault you have a permanent boner!”

“You never complained before!”

“You’re the one that jumps me while I’m trying to sleep!!”

“Like you don’t want it!!”

“Guys! I really don‘t need to know so much about your sex life!”

“He likes it,” Youji mumbled.

“Youji-kun! We have more important things to deal with.”

“Oh yeah… What the hell is going on, Omi?!”

“… Anyway, is it possible Aya hit his head,” Ken asked.

Omi sighed and dropped into his computer chair. “No, amnesia or confusion from that wouldn’t cause him to think he’s someone else.”

“Maybe he was exposed to a chemical or something on the last mission,” Youji suggested.

“I doubt it. Nothing about chemical use or experimentation came up on any of the targets or company information.”

“A psychotic break,” Ken suggested.

Omi sighed again and spun himself around. “I’ll see what kinds of answers I can dig up. You two just go back to the shop and act as normal as you can. Until we know what‘s going on we probably shouldn‘t upset him.”

~~~~~

When Youji and Ken walked through the door Aya was picking at the shirt he wore and looked up.

“You’re back! Ne, does it seem like I’ve grown? My clothes feel smaller.”

The two looked at each other for a moment and then burst into laughter.

“Yeah, I think you grew a lot, Chibi,” Youji laughed out.

~~~~~

“But did you have to ask him if he was looking at porn,” Ken threw his hands up, exasperated.

“I’ve always wanted to do that but I was kind of afraid he‘d cut me in half. It did help us tell if he‘s faking or not.”

“I guess that’s true. You’d at least have a bruise or two if there was any of him in there.”

“Shit, Ken, what’s wrong with him. Hilarious as it is. What if whatever it is gets us, too?”

“I don’t think we have anything to worry about there, Youji-kun,” Omi joined as he came in the room. “But I can’t rule out enough possibilities yet. I need to watch him some more. In the meantime, let‘s try to play along until we can determine the best course of action.”

~~~~~

“AYA-SAN!!!” A group of girls came running into the shop squealing.

“Sorry, he’s in the back right now,” Aya said while moving a pot.

The girls were looking at each other, as were Youji and Ken. Youji was the first to jump up, heading to the girls to try to smooth things. Neither of them wanted to see Aya blow up. Or worse, cry.

“Girls,” Youji put on all his playboy charm and dropped his voice to a whisper. “Aya lost a bet and has to pretend to be Omi for a few days. We’d appreciate it if you didn’t say anything to him about it.” He looked to Ken to confirm the story and the brunette waved back nervously.

The girls giggled and had their fun treating the redhead as though he were Omi for an hour or so while his partners enjoyed the show. Omi’s fangirls, however, were less pleased with the situation and left to try again another day. A substitute Omi just wasn’t the same.

It wasn’t too long until there was a lull in business. No one had come in for a while so Omi and Ken sat working on arrangements at the counter while Youji and Aya straightened up and watered the stock.

/It’s playtime gentlemen! Put your hands together for my lovely assistant!/

Aya, thanks to Schuldich, wasn’t so much straightening as primping and prancing.

The older blond was the first to notice this via reflection. He struggled but he managed to slink to the counter without bursting into laughter. Neither of the other two bothered to look up at first, used to him hovering around to waste time. He reached out slowly and tapped his lover’s hand to get his attention. Their eyes met and then Youji led Ken’s to Aya with his own.

“What is he doing,” Ken whispered to which Youji replied with a finger to his grinning lips.

Omi’s attention had been drawn and he followed the same path Ken had to one of the craziest things he’d ever seen. His head tilted, eyebrows furrowing. Was Aya dancing?!

“I think we’ve found your long lost twin, Omichi,” Youji snickered out as quietly as he could.

“He might even be a little better at being you than you are,” Ken added.

“I don’t act like that,” Omi protested.

“Yes you do. Look,” Ken accused.

Omi pouted and it was then that Aya bent straight over to retrieve a small plant from a low rack. He shifted his weight back and forth, ass swaying, humming a recent pop tune and then they weren’t able to contain themselves. Ken almost fell off his stool he was laughing so hard and Youji was wiping at the tears in his eyes.

“It seems… like he has… a different view of you… than we do…” Youji choked out around wheezing gasps.

“I don’t do that!!!” Omi yelled.

Aya straightened up at the commotion. “Are you guys picking on Aya-kun?” He bounced over to the counter to scold them.

The pure Omi-innocence in Aya’s expression had Youji and Ken grabbing onto each other across the counter and renewing their laughter. Omi was not amused.

“Hey, hey,” Youji snorted, “I dropped some change earlier, shh shh shhh,” he clutched at Ken, trying to settle him down, “and some rolled under the racks over there but my arms are too thick to reach them.”

Aya went to the area the blond had pointed out. “Over here?”

“About.”

“Oh no…” Omi groaned.

Aya got down on all fours with his ass in the air, trying to find the coins.

“You can keep whatever you find,” Youji promised

“I don’t see anything, Youji-kun.”

“Try a little further away.”

“Did you really drop any change,” Ken whispered.

Youji pretended to be scandalized for a moment, “Yes… but it was months ago.”

“I still don’t see anything!”

“It’s gotta be around there somewhere.”

Omi was mortified. He looked like a fish, mouth gaping. He didn’t wave his ass around to everyone like that! At least he didn’t think so…

Aya popped up, triumphant. “I found them! It’s 3 500 yen coins!”

Aya was doing a much less cute and much creepier version of the little dance of win Omi was prone to do and that snapped the other three’s control. Youji and Ken fell to the floor in a tangle, cackling away. Omi stormed off to his room.

~~~~~

Things progressed much the same for the rest of the day until the boys decided to turn in for the night. Omi took his post at the computer to see if he could find any more information that might help with Aya and bade goodnight to the others. Youji and Ken cackled their way to the former’s room. Aya, well, he went to Omi’s room.

Now, Youji and Ken saw this but just snickered another goodnight to Aya and ran inside to wait for the explosion.

Omi gave up a few hours later. The more he searched the more confused he became. He just couldn’t find anything that could explain Aya’s condition. He even tried one of those sites where you can talk to a doctor live and ask them questions and the doctor’s only explanation was that Aya must have been faking. But that couldn’t be right.

The little blond stretched his stiff muscles as he trudged to his room, letting out a groan of exhaustion while he fumbled with his door. His shoes were kicked off, clothes thrown absently and he didn’t even bother with pajamas or brushing his teeth before tumbling himself into bed. When he landed on something hard he was shocked out of his tired haze to realize there was a person in his bed. With his assassin-speed reflexes he meant to jump up to assess the situation from a distance but limbs and blankets tangled and he would’ve ended up on the floor if Aya hadn’t grabbed him.

“AYA-KUN!? What are you doing in my bed?!?!” Omi squealed.

“That’s my line, Aya-kun!”

Howls of laughter could be heard coming through the wall.

“I’M GONNA KILL YOU TWO!” Omi roared.

“Calm down Aya-kun,” Aya chided.

Omi grunted and scrubbed at his face, trying to gather his scattered composure and think of how to deal with the situation. He didn’t want to have to sleep on the couch and taking Aya’s bed for the night probably wasn’t the greatest idea. Ken’s bed was definitely out; who knew when the last time he changed his sheets was and unless they were fresh from the dryer he wasn’t going to risk lying in what might be on them.

“This is his fault! I’ve indulged the lot of them more than enough already today,” he grumbled to himself under his breath. “This is MY bed, dammit!” Once he’d decided he’d had all he could take for the day he resolved not to leave his bed.

Only it wasn’t that simple. Because of the way Aya was acting, Omi couldn’t just claim the bed was his and expect that to be the end of it. The redhead would just try to explain that “Aya-kun” had gone into the wrong apartment and he couldn‘t ask to “switch“ beds for the night without a logical reason. It wasn’t a task he was looking forward to. But somehow, sleeping in Aya’s bed, risking his teenage hormones staining Aya’s sheets during the night, or waking up to an Aya that knew himself again were even less thrilling options. At least this way it would be Aya’s fault for being in his bed and not the other way around.

“Aa…” Think dammit, think! “Aaa… the guys… put water… in… my bed! Yeah… so my bed is wet and I didn’t think you’d mind… if I slept in here.” He blinked, dumbfounded at his own lame improve but prayed it would work.

“Of course, Aya-kun! You know I wouldn’t make you sleep on the couch if I didn’t have to.” Aya held the blankets up in invitation.

Omi hesitantly climbed in and settled on his back at the edge. With a little bit of manipulation, Aya sidled up against the blonde’s side after just a few minutes. He stiffened but Aya didn’t make any indication he’d noticed so he just let it go. He didn’t figure Aya would be the cuddling type, even if he thought he was someone else. But surely the older man would roll over in his sleep and, if he did come to his senses, he would never know that they’d… cuddled.

~~~~~

Rays of early morning sunshine broke in though the window, birds were chirping happily and cars hummed by. But what drew Omi from his dream seemed unfamiliar and he couldn‘t place it in the fog of unconsciousness. He groped around with his eyes squinted shut for the blanket to cover his face with. Only instead of a blanket he found something warm and soft.

Instantly, he was alert but his body remained as limp as it had been in case there was trouble. As he listened, taking stock of his situation, he recognized what had woken him. It was a soft mumbling coming from behind him. This led him to notice the intermittent breeze on the back of his neck. And this led him to notice something warmer than his blanket was draped over his body. Something person shaped, something poking something hard at his butt, something that sounded suspiciously like… oh SHIT, it was Aya!

Omi tried to come up with a plan. Maybe he could sneak out of those arms wrapped around him and get on the floor. Or he could jump up and run across the room, make a lot of noise and when Aya woke up, pretend it was just noise that woke him.

But it was too late. Shuldich had recalled the illusion hours before and was giving him some mental prodding to wake him.

Behind him, Aya’s breath froze, his muscles tightened and he bolted upright. From his vantage point, he could see that Omi’s eyes were squeezed shut, awaiting the impending hurricane he was sure was coming. This told him the younger boy was awake and implied guilt.

Aya was more shocked than angered. He was sure Omi wouldn’t have done anything strange to him, though his experience taught him that you never really knew someone. Had he woken next to Youji he would’ve been suspicious, and rightfully so, but with Omi he was more confused than suspicious.

Omi looked guilty, but he was very concerned about doing anything to upset his friends. And to his chagrin, he couldn’t seem to remember how he’d gotten into Omi’s bed or why Omi was in it with him.

His body confused him, his memory confused him, the whole situation confused him.

“Omi… What the hell?”

Omi relaxed at the calm of the question and the use of his name. He rolled over and pulled his sheet under his chin, as if to hide. “Well… what do you remember, Aya-kun?”

“I remember going to sleep in my own bed that’s for damn sure!”

“Anything else?”

Aya stopped to think for a moment. “I remember getting up and dressed to open the shop.”

“When?”

Aya didn‘t like where this was going. “Today. What time is it?”

“What is today?” He sat up so as to appear more serious.

“Sunday.” He was glaring now, not at Omi but at the situation.

“Aya-kun… This is Monday.” When Aya only stared he kept going. “Aya-kun, yesterday you came down to the shop dressed in my clothes.”

“No, I didn’t.” It wasn’t so much a denial as a statement of fact. He KNEW he didn‘t do that. It was impossible.

Omi pushed on anyway. “You insisted you were me and kept calling me Aya-kun. But for some reason, Youji-kun was still Youji and Ken-kun was still Ken.”

“This isn’t funny Omi. Tell me what really happened. I hit my head, didn‘t I?” He refused to believe it but he had a sinking feeling in his gut that Omi was serious and that worried him.

“Aya-kun, I’m not joking. We didn‘t know what to do. You didn‘t act the slightest bit like yourself. I spent half the night trying to find something to explain it! And the guys kept playing tricks on you to laugh at us!! And you… wait a minute! Now I remember why I was mad at you!” Omi crossed his arms and huffed, turning away as best he could without getting up.

Aya was a little surprised. He couldn’t remember Omi ever being mad at him, let alone telling him he was. “Care to let me in on why?”

“How could you?! You acted like I’m a slut. Is that what you really think of me? It was so embarrassing,” Omi wailed, near tears.

But the redhead did his best fish impression for a moment while he tried to think of what to say… and not think of what he must’ve done.

And the waterworks started. “You do think of me that way,” he sobbed.

Aya didn’t know how he’d gotten into this mess. He really didn’t. He didn‘t know how to deal with this! “Don’t cry. Stop that.” He had to soften his tone when Omi cried harder. “I don’t think you’re a slut.”

“Yes you do! Why else would you act like that and not be able to answer when I asked,” he sniffled.

“I really don’t.”

Omi glared but he just looked like he was pouting. “I don’t believe you.”

Aya sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Honesty is the best policy. And it seemed it was either that or let Omi hate him. “I think you’re a tease,” he grumbled.

“Yes you… wait, WHAT?!” Omi looked horrified at this revelation. It wasn’t as if he hadn’t heard it before, mostly from Youji and shop fangirls, but not from stoic, single-minded Aya. Was he really getting so bad that even Aya had noticed? He burst into tears again.

“Don’t cry. It’s not a bad thing. It’s… cute,” he reluctantly admitted.

“Don’t patronize me,” the blond demanded with a pout.

“I’m not! I can’t help it if you’re small and cute and…” Aya suddenly paused, struggling with the admission that was so unlike him, “and adorable.” Well, anyone that could sit idly by while such a sweet kid cried his eyes out was a colder man than he.

Omi blushed and sniffled a little, wiping his eyes dry. “Aya-kun, you look at me that way?”

“What? No! I… well…” It was only a matter of time, Aya thought, that his head came unscrewed with how Omi kept turning it around.

Omi leaned up to put a little peck on Aya’s cheek, to save him from a conversation he knew was going to be more than Aya could handle at present. Regardless of the outcome of it. “Thanks. I feel better now. Sorry I overreacted.” He hopped up and crossed the room only to stop in the doorway and turn. “I’m going to shower now,” he told Aya, holding his eyes a few seconds longer than necessary to try to wordlessly convey an invitation. He was a little shy himself and he knew it was better to be subtle lest he scare away the reserved redhead completely.



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Well, it took a while but it's finally here. I'm not feeling motivated for the next chapter yet but it'll be up as soon as I can get it out. And I know there isn't enough sex for everyone, not that anyone's complained, but it just hasn't fit. There will be more though, I promise.

I already have an idea of who I wanna punish next but if anyone wants to vote for who they wanna see next you might just get lucky. I might change it. And yes, that means all 8 of the two teams' members will be getting punished!