The Mello Code

After seven novel-length stories, plus associated Yule specials and one-shots, it might be imagined that it is easy for me to gain access to Mello and Matt\'s home. It is not. First, I parked my car in a lay-by on the forest road out of Southampton. I waited for a few minutes before a white Fiesta pulled up behind me and a tall, blond woman stepped out of it. She confirmed that I was Matilda and explained that she was here on behalf of Mello and Matt. She did not give me her name, even for the asking, but I believe that this was Lauren. She thoroughly scanned my body with a handheld device, then patted me down. It\'s amazing the embarrassing amount of crap that you carry around with you, when you\'re not expecting to be searched.



I was then blindfolded and driven for about twenty minutes to half an hour. I suspect that there was an awful lot of going around in circles, because she took a lot of left turns. Eventually we parked and waited. I heard nothing, but then again sounds aren\'t precisely my thing. After a few minutes, she asked me to step out of the car. She walked behind me and guided me, still blindfolded, over a rough track. I felt hardened mud and stones under my boots. I sensed the presense of someone else there, but the mind can play tricks when it\'s suffering from sensory deprivation. Despite the instinct, I still jumped out of my skin when the woman said, "There is a motorbike right in front of you. I am putting a helmet on your head, then please cock your leg."



I knew. Let\'s face it, we\'d all know, though it wasn\'t confirmed until after an exhilarating, adrenaline-junkie filled ride for an indeterminable distance. The bike stopped and my frozen fingers were prised off the small leather waist around which my arms had been wrapped. I was helped off the bike, then my helmet and finally my blindfold were removed. Mello is a lot smaller than you imagine him to be. This sounds ridiculous to say considering the number of pictures where the top of his head only reaches the shoulder of the bloke next to him, but his personality is so huge that it makes him look accordingly bigger. It\'s not just his height. His whole frame and features are petit, almost dainty, though he does have long legs. The second thing to say about Mello is that he\'s a lot more effeminate that I imagined. He hasn\'t quite the voice or the banter to be called actually \'camp\', which is a distinct artform in itself, but he has very expressive movements. He also watches you like a hawk, which can be very unnerving.



I was more nervous of coming face to face with Matt than any of them, including Mello. Mello yelled him, so I was expecting a few moments to compose myself. I was distracted by Mello asking if I wanted tea or coffee, turned my head and Matt was right next to me. In contrast to Mello, Matt is a lot taller than I imagined. He towered over me by a good four inches and only seemed to shrink again when he continued past to stand by Mello. It was like being in Wonderland and chewing on different bits of the mushroom. You really can\'t see half of Matt\'s face. The upper part is so completely covered in dark red hair that I could barely see the goggles. I received fanservice in the form of watching them have a quick, pecking kiss as Matt took over the tea-making, while Mello sat down opposite me at the kitchen table. Within a few minutes, I felt like Mello was my oldest friend, with whom I could completely relax. He is indeed a very dangerous man.



Matti: All of my questions are for you individually. Firstly, do either of you play any musical instruments? I know that you both play piano.



Mello: Matt is very good at Rock Star and Guitar Hero.



Matt: *smirks*



Mello: I haven\'t played for years, but I used to play electric violin.



Matti: But you no longer play it?



Mello: I no longer have one. I would play it if I did. I should get one.



Matti: Thank you. Matt, have you played any other instruments?



Mello: No, he hasn\'t.



Matti: What are you both up to these days?



Mello: We are both busy with a very rich, varied portfolio of cases.



Matti: Any that you can tell us about?



Mello: Unfortunately not. Client confidentiality dictates discretion.



Matti: Ok. Mello, what colour are your eyes?



Matt: *snort*



Mello: *opens his eyes a little wider* *smiles* They are blue, but they can be any colour I want them to be. *winks* Even in their natural state, they do tend to change colour depending upon my mood and the light. They can appear green or black in certain circumstances.



Matti: Thank you. Matt, did you keep the shiny, pretty tinsel that Mello came you at the restaurant, during your first Christmas meal after being reunited?



Matt: *looks puzzled*



Mello: Sorry, what?



Matti: Think back to the Christmas meal that you had in...



Matt: No, I didn\'t. I threw it on the table in the pub on the way out.



Matti: Melissa has asked me to tell you, Matt, that she loves you.



Mello: Awww, Matty, you\'re so loveable. You have fangirls.



Matt: ...



Matti: Melissa also asked me to tell you, Mello, that she loves you. She also said that you are \'gorgeous and amazing\'.



Mello: She sounds like a woman with exquisite taste.



Matti: Melissa has also asked that Matt feel free to be the seme more often.



Matt: *grins*



Mello: Seme?



A short conversation took place in Spanish, which I unfortunately do not speak. I will, therefore, pause in this transcript to describe their voices. The stamp of Roger\'s Estuary accent is apparent in Matt\'s voice. He speaks extremely softly, but with a received pronunciation that makes him sound very English. It does sound incongruous on his lips though, as his clothing and manner all lead you to expect an East London dialect. Conversely, Mello\'s accent appears to have been forged somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic. Imagine a much deeper voiced Brian Molko and you\'re nearly there. I listened in vain for something more South-Eastern European, but it seems that all of the Slavic influence has gone from his diction.



Mello: Right, so Melissa wants me to take it up the arse, while she watches.



Matti: I think that Melissa would like that very much.



Mello: Ok.



Matti: ...



Mello: *smirk*



Matti: I\'ll let her know. On a related note, I\'ve been asked to ask Matt if he thinks that your own and Mello\'s sexuality is changing?



Matt: Nope. We\'re probably both gay for the long term.



Matti: I believe that Silvia meant the ways in which you enjoy sex. Are you becoming more inventive?



Mello: We\'ve always been inventive, bitch. We try new things all of the time.



Matti: Is it becoming less based on violence?



Mello: Who can say? We pretty much do whatever comes to mind at the time.



Matti: So you haven\'t made a conscious effort to move away from sado-masochism?



Mello: Erm, no.



Matti: Mello, what on earth possessed you to buy Alligator nipple clamps? Did the person selling those to you give you a weird look?



Mello: *roars with laughter*



Matt: *grins*



Mello: I bought them on-line, so no. No-one came me funny looks. Well, except Matt. What possessed me to buy them? They seemed useful things to have around the house.



Matt: *laughs*



Mello: *reaches across to wrap an arm around Matt and drag towards him* I do like to keep my little masochist happy.



Matti: So the imperative for violent sex comes from Matt?



Mello: That\'s a new one. I\'m half tempted to say yes and ask you to write that down to send to Hal. But no. The imperative is firmly with us both. What can I say? I like inflicting pain.



Matti: Thank you. Mello, I\'ve been asked to tell you to buy some pink, fuzzy handcuffs and to remind you that it\'s never too late to actually cave in and get that leather wedding dress. Apparently, you can wear it on your honeymoon.



Mello: ...



Matt: *chuckles*



Mello: I will bear that in mind.



Matti: Do you think you will actually buy them?



Mello: No.



Matti: Matt, don\'t you want a cat or a doggy?



Mello: He doesn\'t want one.



Matti: Mello, don\'t you want a cat or a doggy?



Mello: I\'d like a cat.



Matti: So why don\'t you get a cat?



Mello: Because we are often away from home for extended periods and it would be unfair to the cat. Plus Matt already has an extensive repetoire of \'baby substitute\' jokes and I don\'t want to give him an excuse for more. If we ever reach the point where we are at home all the time, then I will get one.



Matti: Ok, Matt, be frank, do you think you\'re more intelligent than Mello?



Mello: Yeah, Matty, be frank now.



Matt: Erm, no. I came third and he came second. We were extensively tested.



Matti: Isn\'t that the official party line?



Matt: No, it\'s a decade and a half of essays, projects, exams and tests.



Mello: May I answer that question?



Matti: Yes.



Mello: I don\'t believe that our minds or abilities are comparable. You ask me who is more intelligent, myself or Matt, and I\'d answer, in which capacity?



Matti: Fair enough. Thank you.



Matt: Your IQ is higher than mine.



Mello: For a start, I don\'t trust the test and secondly, I don\'t trust you.



Matt: \'kay.



Matti: Mello, you were a member of the Mafia. How did you get involved with them in the first place?



Mello: I needed their resources in order to catch Kira.



Matti: But how does someone join the Mafia?



Mello: I\'m sorry, I can\'t answer that. If I was at liberty to say, then I would, but I took an oath. I\'m not a rat.



Matti: Omerta.



Mello: ...



Matti: Are you able to tell us what people\'s first impressions of you were?



Mello: By \'people\', do you mean the soldiers or higher up? Or our business partners?



Matti: Erm...



Mello: It\'s all the same anyway. I think I was outside of their realm of experience. They hadn\'t developed the automatic strategy to deal with someone like me. It was a great advantage.



Matti: Were you universally liked?



Mello: *laughs coldly* No. Much better than that. I was universally feared.



Matti: Mello, what would you like to change from everything you\'ve done in your life?



Mello: Regrets aren\'t useful. You do what you can, with what you knew and what you had to hand at the time. I\'ve grown past the stage of regretting anything. That is only hindsight casting a spotlight that didn\'t exist at the time. It eats you up inside and it\'s a vicious circle, because it stresses you out so much, you do more things that you come to regret. I\'ve learned to take a leaf out of Piaf\'s book, so non, je ne regrette rien.



Matti: Yet Matt is looking at you like he isn\'t convinced.



Mello: Matt can fuck off.



Matti: Is there anything in the history of your relationship with Matt that you wish you could go back and change?



Mello: Of course. I wouldn\'t have left him at Wammy\'s House. I\'d have probably got us both killed, but I should have taken him with me.



Matt: *flicker of a smile*



Matti: Is there anything you\'d change in your current relationship with Matt?



Mello: I\'d make him want a cat. *laughs*



Matt: Have a fucking cat.



Mello: No, it\'ll starve when we\'re away from home.



Matti: Mello, do you regret that you didn\'t kill Neuron?



Mello: Yes.



Matti: Ok.



Mello: Which I understand makes it sound like I was lying about having no regrets, but that\'s a different case.



Matti: Ok. Easier questions to finish. Matt, choose a song, just one, that you think talks about you and Mello.



Matt: Shit, that\'s hard. *ponders it for ages*



Mello: You know you\'re going to say \'Mario Kart Love Song\', so get it over with.



Matt: \'Mario Kart Love Song\' by Sam Hart.



Matti: Same question to Mello. Choose a song, just one, that you think talks about you and Matt.



Mello: I don\'t know. \'Planet Hell\'?



Matt: Think carefully.



Mello: Would you like me to say \'Furious Angels\', guapo? Ok, \'Furious Angels\' by Rob Dougan.



Matti: Is that your final answer?



Mello: Yes.



Matti: Ok, thank you both for talking to me today and, on behalf of everyone reading the stories, thank you for everything that you did and do.



Mello: You\'re welcome.



Matt: *smiles*



Thus ends my interviews, with questions submitted by those who have been reading my story. Thank you all for 1000 hits! Woot!