The Scars Remind Us

\"I feel better now.\"

Keiko looked up into Ken\'s soft eyes, detecting nothing unusual in his words. She smiled gently. \"Good, I\'m glad.\"

\"You helped me more than I thought anyone could, Keiko.\" Keiko blushed.

\"Just doing my job!\" Her eyes wandered to Ken\'s face and met his sparkling eyes. He looked so calm and serene. She blushed again.

Ken reached over and grabbed her head, placing a hard kiss on her lips; his tongue forcing it\'s way in between her teeth. She was caught by surprise, but though he was being a little rough, she welcomed it. He unhooked the back of her bra and tore it away like a piece of notebook paper. He followed with her shirt, pulling it off over her head and discarding it on the floor. She moaned and began to slide off her skirt.

That part of the game was over. Ken peeled off his nightclothes and tossed them on the floor. His right hand came up and took hold of her breast, massaging it with muscled hands, running his thumb over her hard nipple. She moaned and giggled, wrapping her legs around his midsection and begging for more. He pulled away suddenly, pressing her shoulders down steadily. She knew what to do. Her hands ran down the sides of Ken\'s body and rested on his hips, his hard erection brushing against her pink lips. Pleasured grunts escaped Ken\'s lips as she moved her head back and forth, her wet lips making their way to the base and back. He positioned his hands on her head and urged her harder. She choked a little and released his swollen member.

She looked up at Ken, breathing hard. His face was so beautiful, his cheeks pink, his hair stringy and his eyes tinged seeming a lighter shade of brown. \"What are you doing?\"

He grabbed her and pressed her down to the bed, \"this is what you wanted, isn\'t it? I know you want this.\" He let his weight fall down on top of her, his erection rubbing against her thigh. He planted a few kisses on her neck, then bit, gently at first, then harder. Keiko yelped and arched her back. It was hurting her, but her body wouldn\'t let her stop. He did the same lower on her neck, then on the other side, his hips rocking, rubbing himself hard on her legs. \"Do you want this, Keiko?\"

Keiko\'s body felt so hot, her hand was rubbing against her own genitalia. \"Ken, I want you... inside me.\"

Ken\'s got up onto his knees and took hold of her, easily flipping her onto her stomach. He kissed her back end gently, then nipped at it a little. She moaned deeply. Ken positioned himself behind her, firmly massaging her rear. She moaned and urged him on with gentle \'yes\'\'s and her hands gripping the sheets in anticipation. He ran his nails down her back and thrust himself inside her, not bothering to stretch or lubricate. She screamed loudly.

He felt himself thrusting inside her, maybe tearing her, he didn\'t know. He furrowed his brow and grabbed hold of the sides of the bed, thrusting harder and faster into her. It didn\'t matter if she tore, she would heal. The tear in his heart was eternal. He couldn\'t hear her screaming anymore, he couldn\'t hear anything. All there was was the frightening silence that came before the end of everything.

Hands gripped his back and ripped him from the white nothingness. He felt his sweaty back against the fabric of someone\'s shirt and the tears running down his face. He choked. He didn\'t feel like he could open his eyes. He suddenly felt exposed and dirty, even before remembering he was completely undressed. He turned in toward whoever had pulled him back and cried into their chest.

Yohji looked back at Ken whimpering in Omi\'s arms and frowned sadly. It didn\'t have to end up this way. Ken\'s voice was minuscule, repeating over and over \"I\'m so weak...\"

Yohji brushed Keiko\'s hair from her face. \"Hey, are you all right?\" She was still crying.

\"I\'ll be all right, it just hurts.\" She wiped her eyes dry. \"But Ken\'s worse, he hurts worse, Yohji... I can\'t help him by myself anymore.\"

******

Omi sat on the couch, cradling Ken, who was still wrapped in a sheet, in his arms. Yohji sat down beside him, smoking his third cigarette of the night. \"Yotan...\" Omi whispered, \"hey, he\'s fallen asleep.\"

\"Finally.\" The taller boy took a long drag off his cigarette and blew out some half-assed smoke rings. There seemed to be a deep thought stirring in his mind. He sighed. \"It\'s all just going in circles, isn\'t it?\"

Omi bit his lip. \"Yeah, I think you\'re right. For once I think you\'re right.\"

\"Where was Ran? He had to of heard all the screaming...\" Yohji narrowed his eyes. \"I\'m beginning to wonder if he took off.\"

\"I thought he was in his room.\"

\"Yeah, well, something must have happened. I\'m not sure what, but I just know I\'m missing something, here.\"

\"I bet it has something to do with what Keiko heard when I was talking to Ran earlier, about Ran not loving Ken.\"

\"You think Ken is in love with Ran?\"

Omi\'s head dropped, his chin brushing against messy and displaced locks of brunette hair. \"Yeah, I do...\"

Yohji grunted. He was sure there was more to it than that. Ken wasn\'t a stupid guy; a little naïve and hotheaded, but not stupid. It wasn\'t like him to do such stupid things. Wasn\'t he thinking about his actions? Didn\'t he have any sense of consequence or reason? Yohji crushed the cigarette butt into the glass ashtray. Ken was purposely doing these things, not actually to hurt anyone else, but himself. Why, though? It still eluded him. Why would someone like Ken be so self-destructive? Yohji\'s heart knotted up. He wished he could burrow into that scraggly brown head and find just what he was trying to accomplish.

\"It\'s not fair...\"

\"Huh?\" Yohji, losing his train of thought, looked over at the younger boy.

Omi was gently stroking Ken\'s hair, his eyes sad and locked deeply onto the boy he held in his arms. \"Why couldn\'t Ken fall in love with me?... or you, or Keiko even? I can\'t stand to see him mistreated like this, I just can\'t.\"

\"Just because Ran doesn\'t return the feelings doesn\'t mean he\'s mistreating him. Ken\'s heartbroken. I\'ve been there.\" He lit another cigarette. \"And besides, I\'m glad he didn\'t fall in love with Keiko. I feel bad for what happened to her and all-\" He puffed twice. \"-but I can\'t stand the fact that she\'s taking all this abuse with a smile. I know it\'s her job, but everyone has to have limits. And what happened earlier... I\'m sorry, but if something like that can\'t do it, nothing will. There\'s something wrong with that. It\'s not human. I mean, it\'s worse than Ran. There\'s bottling up your feelings, then there\'s this. Someday she\'s gonna crack, and there\'s no coming back from something like that.\"

Omi frowned. \"I can\'t believe you. How can you say things like that?\"

\"She\'s really helpful to Ken, as someone to spill his guts to, but he needs more than that. We need to be there for Kenken, and... well, we really haven\'t. He needs mine and your support now more than ever.\"

Though unhappy, the look on Omi\'s face was one of understanding. \"It hurts... but yeah. I\'d still do anything for Ken, I\'d still die for him... nothing\'s changed, \'cept that... he... he doesn\'t love me back.\"

Yohji mussed Omi\'s strawberry hair. \"Sure he does. He loves you like a brother, I\'m sure of it. And me too. He\'s got a really deep heart with a lot of love in it, Omi-chan. There\'s still room for us.\"

Ran, who, unbeknownst to the other two boys, had been standing in the doorway for quite some time, finally spoke up. \"Do either of you have a permanent marker?\"

The two looked over in surprise. \"Uh... Ran... What\'re you doing here?\"

\"I told you, I\'m looking for a marker. Do you have one or not?\" A silvery flash nearly blinded Omi. He looked down at Ran\'s left hand and noticed an unmarked CD-R neatly tucked into Ran\'s thin fingers.

\"Oh, there\'s one in the kitchen.\" Ran nodded and headed in the specified direction.

******

Ken\'s eyes opened slowly, everything beyond them an uncomfortable blur. He was kind of cold. He curled his bare knees to his chest and shivered. He gripped the sheet and pulled it up over his head. No wonder he was so cold, he was still naked and didn\'t have any blankets. He sat up on the couch sleepily, the sheet still wrapped around his shoulders. Even the carpet was cold as his feet touched it. The heater must have been turned off. He knew Ran always turned the heater off at night, but couldn\'t he have forgotten, even just this once? He stopped. Ran. Why did he even have to think about him? He swallowed hard. He still had to live with the guy. He still had to see his beautiful face every morning, with his hair mussed from sleeping and half the buttons on his pajamas undone... his heart hurt.

He looked over at the clock. It was just past six thirty. Why did he wake up now of all times... it was Saturday, that\'s why. He had to go in his room and get some clothes before he started breakfast. Keiko was probably still asleep in his bed. He choked. Last night he had-oh God! He crumpled onto the floor. What was wrong with him? Why did he have to destroy everything he touched? Why did he always drag everyone else down with him? He couldn\'t go in there, not now. He had to go ask Yohji for some pajamas or something.

He stopped. There was music coming from the kitchen, a song playing in an English voice. \'What I really meant to say, is I\'m sorry for the way that I am... never meant to be so cold, never meant to be so cold.\' He only wished he were a little sharper on his English so he could understand what the lyrics were saying. It sounded good, though.

Ken flicked on the kitchen light, his eyes finally focusing properly. No one was there. \'...you are the antidote that got me by, something strong like a drug that got me... high-\' He walked over to the counter and hit the stop button. Apparently it had been on repeat all night. He sighed. Next to the CD player was a printed sheet with what appeared to be lyrics on it and an open jewel case.

\"Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right, I never stopped to think of you. I\'m always wrapped up in things I cannot win. You are the antidote that gets me by, something strong like a drug that gets me high...\" He stopped. These were the translated lyrics to that song, no doubt about it. He popped open the player and removed the disc, placing it in its jewel case and setting it on top. The shining surface only read one word in black sharpie \'Ran\'. He laughed bitterly. Looks like Ran was losing his mind too.

He pulled a pot from the cabinet under the sink and set it up on the front burner. A sigh poured sadly from his lips and he met it with hesitation. He should probably put on some pajamas at least. Ken started walking, repositioning the sheet over his shoulders as he went.

A sound from behind stopped him. He turned, his ears catching a faint melody. What the hell? It sounded like it was coming from the kitchen again...

******

No one was surprised when Keiko didn\'t show up for breakfast. The table was eerily quiet. Every once in a while Ken could feel eyes on him, but he ignored them as best as he could. There was an awkward silence drifting in the air, and it seemed as if no one would dare disturb it. He kept his eyes on the table. He\'d made the mistake of looking Ran in the eyes when he came in for his coffee, and he didn\'t want to make that mistake again. He\'d felt a little bit of him die when he saw how beautiful those strange purple eyes still were. Even thinking about it he felt himself die.

Ken wanted something to break the silence. Anything. He could barely force his food down his throat as it was, but the silence made it nearly impossible. He felt as though he were gagging on every bite. But he had to eat, whether he wanted to or not. The others would look at him badly if he didn\'t eat. If he didn\'t eat that would mean he wasn\'t okay. And...well, he wasn\'t... but he had to pretend.

Omi\'s eyes shot back and forth across the table, scanning each of his sullen companions with delicate flicks of his lashes. He wanted to say something, anything to lighten the mood or make everyone okay, but the words just wouldn\'t come. Yohji was idly playing with his breakfast, lost in daydreams, occasionally snapping back to reality only to pick at his food. Ran was as somber as ever, hiding behind that same mask he always hid behind. Then there was Ken, obviously force feeding himself and looking as though he wanted to choke. A thin sigh escaped the youngest boy\'s lips.

Every second seemed like a life age.

Yohji\'s head shot up hopefully as the doorbell\'s metallic scream pierced the ears of each and everyone in the room. He stood, silent but for the tell all scraping of the wooden chair as it slid back over the linoleum floor. He paused only momentarily, then headed for the door.

\"Uh...Hello, officer?\"

Ran and Omi looked at one another in surprise. \"Yes, uh, we received an emergency call from this residence. Is there any trouble? A woman called us, but she didn\'t seem capable of forming a complete sentence. Is she here?\"

Everyone stood up from the table, almost simultaneously. Ken had forgotten all about his misery. An obvious air of shock and fear overwhelmed them. The three boys met up with Yohji and the policeman halfway down the hall. \"She should be down here in this last room.\"

The policeman pulled ahead of the group, jiggling the doorknob back and forth repeatedly before finally forcing it open. The air from the room held a strange sourish inkling, a coppery smell Ken had smelt a thousand times before. He gagged. He half expected to look down at his hands and see bloody bugnuks unsheathed and sparkling in the iridescent moonlight. But his hands were bare and clean, looking far too soft and smooth to be as ugly as he knew they were.

The surroundings were dark, light funneling into the room in a thin line through the cracked shades over the windows. The bar of light passed over Ken\'s bed, obstructed only by the naked figure of a girl lying limp and half-covered by pale blue sheets. The officer rushed into the room suddenly, breaking the frozen image.

Everyone knew what was next, as little as they liked to admit it. The policeman picked up the walkie-talkie on his belt and muttered almost indiscernible words into it. He was calling for the paramedics waiting outside, apparently. Ken\'s heart skipped a beat and the breath in his lungs caught on itself. He felt his body shaking violently. The cop turned, looking each of the boys in the eyes in turn. \"She\'s dead...\"

Ken crumpled to the floor, his eyes welling up with tears. \"Oh... God... I... I\'ve... k-killed her! Oh, fuck... I murdered Keiko...\" His hands came up to his face in attempt to stop the teardrops from rolling down his face.

******

There was a bright flash of light, a steady clang clang clang... Ken opened his heavy eyes and looked up only to see a bland gray slab of stone above his head, to every side... except the one that led into the hallway. He shivered. It felt so cold here. He closed his eyes and held his arms tightly to himself. The cold wasn\'t the reason he shook like he did. Ken sat up, vainly trying to rub away the goosebumps that covered his skin.

\"Hello?\" His voice echoed down the hallway, but there was no reply. \"Where am I?\"

Ken stopped. What was that sound? Footsteps? He concentrated. They had to be footsteps. Rubber soles left a hollow echo down the hallway as they approached, getting louder and louder with each step until finally coming to a halt. He looked up at the figure in the doorway, blinking in disbelief.

\"Ran?\"

The redheaded figure in the doorway smiled, his amethyst eyes sparkling from some indiscernible, almost internal, light source. He flipped away one long eartail and began to fiddle with the earring on his left ear. He began to speak, but the voice that came out was not the deep sensuous voice of Ran, instead it was that of a young girl. \"You like my new body, Ken-niichan? I couldn\'t use the old one anymore. I picked out this one \'cause I knew you liked it.\" There was a pause and a giggle. \"Do you wanna play the love game, again? This time it would really be fun.\"

Ken felt himself hyperventilating as he backed into the wall, his feet still pushing even though he had gone as far as he could. \"No, no, no, no! Wake up, Ken! Wake the fuck up! This isn\'t happening, not again!\"

The redhead gave a sweet yet awkward puppy dog face, \"You don\'t like me anymore, Ken-niichan? You don\'t like my new body anymore?\"

\"This is just a dream!\" Ken covered his ears and shook his head as hard as he could.

\"I hate you, Ken-niichan! You\'re mean and you just ruin everything!\" The mirror image of Ran curled into itself, tearing at its hair and gritting its teeth. \"I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! I hope you die!\"

Ken gasped, his head frantically shooting from side to side. Wounds had opened up and down his arms again, and he was bleeding. \"Wha-\"

\"I hate you! Die! You just would\'ve killed him anyway, just like you killed Kase! Just like you killed Keiko! She loved you and you killed her! Those were her dying words, you know! She said she loved you with her last dying breath! That\'s why you deserve to die!\"

\"No! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!\" Ken pulled his arm back without second thought and struck. He stopped and his eyes went wide. The bugnuk on his right hand had cut all the way through. He was up to his shoulder in the chest cavity of the redhead before him. He looked up into Ran\'s smiling face and began to cry. Blood had slid from Ran\'s smooth lower lip down his sharp chin, his skin now crimson and ivory. \"No...\"

\"Is this what it\'s like to... I love you, Ken-kun....\" The voice had changed back to Ran\'s own. Ken was in shock. He could feel his body shaking violently, he could feel the warm blood trickling down his chest, he could feel the heat of Ran\'s body against him, the tears on his cheek and finally, Ran’s heart suddenly going cold.

\"Ran! NO! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!\"

Ken woke up with a cold sweat running the entirety of his body. He gazed down at his right hand in horror, almost disgusted that it looked so clean in the thin strips of moonlight that poured in through the barred window.