Starvation

Thanks to all that reviewed, especially to Car Jack and SmilingSinner who are enjoying Hakkai's instability. It is in your spirit that I am going to continue to draw the torment out before the Ikkou fall into bed (which happened much earlier in my original draft) and in that spirit that I have already added to Hakkai's internal dialogue here. Lots of him fighting his inner demon here while trying to keep up a conversation with Gojyo. I've also decided to dispense with putting foreign words (chi, etc) in my asterisk italics **. Just thoughts and emphasized words there, now. Keeping up with that was a pain in the ass, even if it was technically correct. Chin Yisou still speaks between number signs ## (because I hate numbers! ;) ). Now, without further blah-blah, I present Ch. 5 of "Starvation" with extra angst. Please enjoy. - JulieDoc

5. Not Enough of a Taste

Sanzo fixed him with a hard glare when the meal was over, an annoyed look which eventually forced Hakkai to drop his gaze. Hakkai felt almost as ashamed as he’d felt the previous evening, and sadder. “Goku’s rooming with me tonight,” the priest growled, “and I’m going to bed. You three do what you want.”

“Fine, you stupid monk,” Gojyo yelled after him.

“But, Sanzo . . .” Goku trotted off behind his keeper, the last meat bun from dinner still in hand.

“Well, that just went from suck to blow,” crimson eyes tracked the retreating pair. “Wanna play some cards, Hakkai?”

Hakuryu squeaked and nipped at Hakkai’s uncuffed ear. The little dragon was clearly pushing his master into trying to enjoy himself. Hakkai absentmindedly rubbed his fingertips between his pet’s wings. Hakuryu clearly didn’t understand that Hakkai simply couldn’t force himself to be good company right now.

“I’m sorry Gojyo, but I’m tired tonight. I’m afraid it wouldn’t be fair to make you put up with me.” He gave his friend a thin smile and what he hoped looked like a respectful nod. Then, he turned and briskly climbed up the stairs, wishing he could run.

Hakkai shut the bathroom door behind him, shutting Gojyo out in case the hanyou had decided to follow him. He’d even shut Hakuryu out. He hoped Gojyo would just become exasperated with him, and leave the inn in order to try to pick up a girl. He changed into his nightclothes, knowing that fate was not going to play him out on this. Gojyo would be coming up soon, he’d almost count on it.

*I can’t pity myself. This is what it’s come to. Something in me has told me that it always would. What am I going to do when I see the disgust on his face? He’s always trusted me implicitly. What will he do when I tell him he never should have?*

His conviction to keep himself from self-pity did nothing to stop the tears that escaped, the clenched fist that he finally released with a sigh. Hakkai lightly guided the tears from his eyelids with his fingertips; rubbing would show visible evidence. He opened the door to find his roommate lounging on one of the beds, already dressed for sleep. “Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.” Gojyo got up and followed Hakkai as the demon went to look out the window. “No you don’t. You’re not going to pull a Sanzo on me and sit in the sill staring out at the night.”

The dark-haired youkai turned. “I wasn’t going to.” *Though falling out a window and breaking my neck would be easier than looking you in the eye right now.*

The taller man grabbed his shoulders, not roughly, and pinned him to the wall. Gojyo didn’t raise his voice, but his tone read that he would not be evaded. “Okay, what the Hell’s wrong with you, Hakkai?”

Hakkai smiled, calm, unruffled, but inside he was scraping the last of his skill to appear innocent. “What do you mean?”

“Did you put a hickey on the monkey’s neck? The thing’s massive, and at least fifteen different shades of ugly.”

He hadn’t expected Gojyo to call him on that bit of evidence. Admitting he’d done nothing would do him no good. Gojyo must of seen it in one of his frequent tussles with Goku. Damn, he should have remembered to heal the stupid thing. “I couldn’t help myself.”

“Aw, man, are you in heat? It isn’t regular, but it sometimes happens to youkai every few years or so. Met a demon girl in that state once. It was scary, actually. Fun, though. I was laid up for a few days just to recover . . .”

“I don’t know. I hope not.” *God, no. Not along with everything else.* “My demon side’s become more powerful since I took my limiters off.”

“Shit, I knew that was a mistake. Why haven’t you said anything, you dumbass?”

“I didn’t want Sanzo to find out about it. If I’m on less than my best behavior, he’ll start taking potshots at me. I didn’t want *you* to start worrying. The three of you needed me to be sane, so I tried to ignore it. I hoped if I calmed down enough, it would go away.”

“What you *are* doesn’t go away, Hakkai. Believe me, I know.” Gojyo released him, in order to light a cigarette, and snapped his lighter shut. “No amount of wanting it to just disappear is gonna do anything about it. So, your instincts are stronger, and I bet you feel the negative aura around us more strongly, too.”

Hakkai nodded. “That’s one bet you’d win with me.”

“So, it’s something like that. You’ve got that youkai hunger bothering you. I was wondering why you wolfed the hell out of your food yesterday. Is it raw meat you’re starved for?”

“Blood,” Hakkai’s voice was quiet. He knew his friend’s issues with blood and hardly wanted to aggravate them.

“Ah, I see,” the crimson-haired man simply gave him a sage nod. “Blood. I’m not really surprised. You’re always seeing blood on your hands, blood in my hair and eyes. You’re a little obsessed with it, frankly.” He blew out a smoke ring. “Not that I have any room to talk.” He sounded more amused than insulted. “So your instincts were pushed up to the limit, am I right? You wanted blood, so you made out with the monkey as an excuse to get your mouth close to a vein. But you held back.”

“I didn’t ‘make out’ with Goku. I was closer to killing him.”

“Join the club.”

“I’m serious, Gojyo. I wanted to . . .”

The hanyou cut into his violent thought abruptly. “The negative aura usually makes demons want to attack humans. Why wasn’t it Sanzo you jumped?”

“Probably because I was born human and splashed in demon blood. I want not only the blood of humans, but of other demons, as well. I’ve craved the blood of demons forever, but the first time I tasted it again was at the tower.”

“And all this while, you’ve been living with me. You’ve never raised a hand against me, when you knew damn well you’ve had every opportunity. In this past year, you could have had a jones for human blood, my human half, and you’ve always wanted demon blood. You couldn’t have picked a better victim if you’d gone searching.”

“I doubt you’d let yourself be victimized.”

Gojyo laughed. “Remember Tongpou’s commander, who killed a thousand demons on purpose? If you turned into something like that, I seriously doubt I’d be able to stop you from drinking my blood.”

“I don’t know that much about that side of myself, Gojyo. Being transformed like I was was only a legend to me, to most people, and I can’t find any information on it that’s reliable.”

“So, you pretend it isn’t happening. How like you,” Gojyo shook his head. “C’mere, Hakkai. I’ve got something you might wanna see.”

The demon’s shoulders slumped. Maybe what Gojyo wanted him to see was some kind of momento from his past. Then, he would start in with some story about being close to where Hakkai had been once. Though he appreciated the support his friend was showing, he didn’t feel like hearing some kind of anecdote from the half-breed right now.

He drew back in shock when Gojyo summoned his shakoujou. He’d expected a violent reaction from Sanzo, but it had sounded that Gojyo had understood, up till now.

The keen edge of the crescent-shaped blade tapped against the tanned skin on the inside of Goyjo’s elbow. “So, it’s like that, is it? Look at that and say no, Hakkai.”

The demonic voice of his hunger never had a chance to get a word in as he watched the red sluice down toward Gojyo’s fingers. Hakkai was transfixed watching the flow of blood, the shine on the dark fluid. He had knelt and held his mouth open beneath his friend’s hand before he realized it, like a baby bird wanting to be fed.

He caught the first drop before the vital fluid could hit the floor. Without thinking, he thirstily sucked Gojyo’s fingers clean of the red that stained them, thoroughly lapping up every drop. He followed the lines of his friend’s blood-dampened palm eagerly. He ran his tongue up Gojyo’s arm to the broken skin, licking away the trail before fastening his mouth to the cut to tongue and suck at it. Hakkai murmured in pleasure.

The taste, God, the taste, he was drowning in coppery warmth, riding threads of blood sugar and a hint of alcohol. Best of all there was the burning demon wildness and the human passion pulling Hakkai with it. It was amazing that Gojyo would give such an precious thing so freely.

“God, this is the first time I ever felt good about the blood running in my veins.”

“It’s beautiful, perfect.” Hakkai pulled his lips from feasting for just a moment. His gums itched and he felt his canines sharpen as much as they could with all his limiters still on. He felt the urge to take off just one . . .

Gojyo teetered toward the bed. “You’ve got a fantastic mouth, ‘Kai. It’s been a long time since I had my fingers sucked. Truth be told, I’m kinda jealous that the monkey got this treatment first.” Long fingers pushed themselves through thick, dark hair, almost holding Hakkai there.

Hakkai instantly pulled his lips off the welling cut. “I can’t. This is what happened with Goku.” He pulled his fingers to the wound instead, began summoning chi to heal it. He let out a relieved sigh when the flesh mended under his hand. “Somehow, when I take blood, I feed my own chi into the wound to dull the pain, at least I tried when I almost
bit Goku. I’m *making* you enjoy this, Gojyo. I’m making you want it.”

“Hakkai, it’s been an even longer time since I decided I wouldn’t kick you out of my bed if you admitted you were attracted to me.”

“What?” The statement was blunt, awkward, and entirely ‘Gojyo’, but the kappa’s face was reddening in what almost looked like a blush. What did this mean? When did his thirst for blood translate into a need for sex?

Gojyo growled, irritated, and smacked a hand to his forehead. “Dammit, that came out wrong. I tried to come over all casual and smooth about it, but just ended up sounding like an asshole. I’m sorry. The truth is, I’ve really come to love you, ‘Kai. I would have never admitted it, but I felt it was important that you hear it from me now. If you ever asked, if you ever needed it, I’d sleep with you. What ever you need me to be, I’ll be it.”

#Look at him. The smooth-talking half-breed, stumbling over his own mouth and waiting to have his heart broken. Will you do it? Are you ready to do it, Gonou? I know I certainly would be,# the Chin Yisou voice purred inside Hakkai’s head. #Surely, you don’t really love him. There is no room in your heart for it, isn’t that right? He’s nothing but a roof over your wretched head. He’s a store of food in the pantry.#

#He’s the half-demon child, the very idea of which caused your beloved to kill herself.#

#If you cannot dirty your hands with his death, and I certainly can’t say I blame you, do one better. Destroy his heart.#

*I will not. I won’t listen to you on this. Not ever.*

“Wait . . . love, I can accept, and I return it gladly. You’re my closest friend. I’m not sure what kind of love I can give you, but I can’t dismiss that you are essential to me.”

*Yes, that should cool him down. It almost sounds clinical. What the Hell is Gojyo thinking?*

“But, sex?” Hakkai continued, out loud. “I thought you were only attracted to women.”

“Women, and you . . . and hell, maybe the dumb monk if he wasn’t covered in thorns. Okay, he’s definitely attractive, I admit it, maybe not lovable, but . . .”

“Compelling, intriguing,” the healer supplied. He was in agreement, but now was the worst possible time for the redhead to make a confession.

“Yeah, that, and I actually do care, even though baldy won’t acknowledge it. There isn’t one of you three morons I don’t care about. Though it’s hard to say ‘love’ in regards to Sanzo. If I said it to Goku, he’d start in with the pervert jokes.”

“Maybe not, if you made sure he knew you were serious. He can be a lot more mature than he lets on, ” Hakkai knew it would be better to nudge Gojyo in a different direction.

Gojyo shook his head. “The point is, I can say it to you. You’ll take me seriously. I love you the most, even if that doesn’t sound fair. Even if you don’t want me.”

*God, don’t guilt me into this, Gojyo. There isn’t any need.*

“It isn’t like that. It isn’t my lack of experience in that area, either. I’m a little confused, yes. I can feel my more demonic nature slowly taking me over, Gojyo. I don’t want to take advantage of your loyalty to me as a friend, or your love, or your hope. The truth is, I don’t feel like I deserve affection from anyone. I haven’t for a long time, but I feel even less worthy of it now. I don’t want you to mistake bloodlust for passion, only to fall victim to it. I don’t want to be holding you sometime with no intention of doing anything else, then suddenly become overwhelmed with a desire to hurt you because I can’t control myself.”

“It isn’t that I don’t want you.” Hakkai clarified before Gojyo could cut in. ”I can’t hurt someone I love. Not this way, not in a mad desire for blood.”

#That’s right, Gonou, you can’t let it happen again. You remember Kanan’s face. Though you came to her rescue, there was fear settled into her eyes, and it wasn’t directed at the demons. Fear of you, drenched in blood, was what finally killed her, and you know it. She was terrified of what you’d become, more than of the child inside her, more than of the torture she went through. She couldn’t live with the bloodthirsty monster hiding behind the mask of the man she once loved. When she said it was too late for her, she really meant it was too late for you.#

#Be reasonable. You ‘return his love gladly’? Laughable. It’s too late for you. You aren’t capable of love. We both know this.#

“I can’t let it happen again.”

“Damn,” Gojyo pulled Hakkai up from where he’d been crumpled on the floor. “You don’t get it, do you, man?”

“Don’t be angry with me.” Gojyo couldn’t understand the truth that Hakkai was too afraid to make known. That he wanted Gojyo only too much, and his body was signifying that he wanted him in every way. The bloodlust mixed with actual lust would prove too much to handle.

#Lust, yes, that's all you feel. It’s even more dangerous than an outright attack. You never fed your lust into Homura’s demon army. They died in fear. Your so-called instinct never brought them pleasure. You make your friends desire your thirsty, tearing kiss. What does that tell you?#

#You want to kill them more than any demon you ever destroyed, the half-breed most of all.#

“You don’t get the fact that you proved this argument of yours wrong just a few minutes ago.” Gojyo guided the confused healer to the side of the bed and sat beside him there. “You’re not going to hurt me. You just proved that you can pull away. Feeding you was no big. It was a little nick. I’m not even dizzy, and how do you feel now?”

“Better,” Hakkai admitted. It was easier to speak now that his lips weren’t so dry. Then, he remembered what they were wet with, and he wiped his face.

“I’m not afraid of you, Hakkai. I know all about your past and it’s never bothered me. This doesn’t bother me, either. I wouldn’t have cut myself in front of you if I didn’t trust you. I’ve never seen someone with the kind of power you have and such will to keep it on a leash. I wouldn’t have tried it if I didn’t think it was exactly what you needed. Believe me, I didn’t just enjoy that because of your chi. Knowing I was helping, that I was wanted, that was what felt the best.” Then, the kappa grinned appreciatively. “Well, that and you licking me. With the way you drink blood, anyone would find it sexy.”

“If the thirst gets any worse, though, I could get violent. Then you would be weak from anemia, and with lust on top of that, I don’t know what could happen.”

“You don’t get thirsty if somebody is shoving drinks at you. I intend to play bartender. Now, what’ll it be?”

That was an open-ended question if there ever was one. Hakkai thought making a request that might shock Gojyo would get his point across. “I want to draw the blood myself..”

“Coming right up,” he tilted the handle of the shakoujou at Hakkai. “Go ahead.”

Gojyo was refusing to see how perilous this could get. “No, like this,” he pushed the weapon aside so it leaned against the wall once more. He removed his top limiter clip and let out a breath. This time, he allowed himself to relish the transformation. He ran his tongue over his teeth as they sharpened further and lengthened. He arched his back as his own youkai aura bathed him. He ran his fingertips back through his hair, feeling his ears actually shape small points now that he wasn’t fighting so hard. Hakkai rested his hand on Gojyo’s shoulder as the talons curved from his fingers, letting his friend feel the sharp edges through his shirt.

“Damn,” all Gojyo did was shrug. “That was hot.”

“Why don’t you understand?!” Hakkai leaped for Gojyo angrily and sunk his teeth into the hanyou’s neck, fangs straddling his jugular, but not piercing it. He pulled his teeth from the holes they’d punctured and began sucking.

Gojyo moaned and fell back onto the bed his hands resting on Hakkai’s waist. He pushed the demon’s shirt up a little to get at the smooth, pale skin, let one hand chart up Hakkai’s back. He grabbed the back of the dark head again with the other and clenched his fingers in the fine, soft hair.

Blood flooded Hakkai’s mouth and he swallowed, the rush of fluid so much better than the drizzle that had come from Gojyo’s arm. He could feel the warmth running down his body, much like his chi channeled itself up into his hands. He shivered. He slit the fabric of Gojyo’s tank top with one claw, from the middle of his friend’s chest down. Hakkai’s hand traced Gojyo’s belly the same way it had done Goku’s the previous night. This time, however, his ministrations were more intricate. Gojyo’s stomach was more rippled and defined than even Goku’s was, despite the monkey’s superior strength. The skin felt so silky, so wonderful, and the pulse of blood beneath it drew delicate circles from his fingers.

The youkai felt almost drowsy, being filled by the warm, mixed-breed blood. At times, it almost felt as if he would be drawn down into Gojyo’s flow of chi through his blood. Blood and chi being the two vital forces of the body, that shouldn’t have surprised him, if he had been able to rationalize that far. From where he was smothering in that scarlet rush, Hakkai could almost see into Gojyo’s mind, make out desires and memories.

Underneath that wave, there was an animal side of him that was urging him on, not the voice of Chin Yisou that made all his pains and fears and insecurities known, but something else entirely. *My mate. A piece of my soul that had been missing. Part of my family, my clan. Mine. Mine.*

Hakkai purred, and Gojyo answered him with a groan, pushing his hips up. Hakkai kissed the two holes, channeling chi into them with each stroke of his lips to slow the bleeding but not stop it. The demon nuzzled the unbitten side of Gojyo’s neck.

“See, I told you that you could control yourself,” Gojyo’s hand let go of his head only to pull Hakkai’s red-stained mouth to his.

Hakkai flicked his tongue into Gojyo’s mouth, slicked it deep. He shared the coppery flavor of Gojyo’s blood with him before pulling away. “It’s not control. I don’t want to sleep with a corpse.” Clawed fingers fumbled with Gojyo’s belt buckle, yanked the belt from its loops as soon as it came undone. The button and zipper were dispensed with just as awkwardly, and Hakkai reached his hand down. His hand closed around Gojyo’s considerable thickness, and began stroking.

It was so smooth, this skin, even more delicate than the flesh of Gojyo’s neck. Hakkai had done this, he had brought his friend to this pounding heart and rushing blood. The thrill of the knowledge was like flying, the few times he’d had his wings. He licked his way up the strong throat again, to pair the pleasure in his hand with more of the sweet nourishment he craved. This time, Gojyo clasped his head in both hands and moaned low in his throat.

The noise of sandals stomping down the hall interrupted them. “Hakkai!” Sanzo was shouting rather than his usual growl.

“Damn. Busted,” Gojyo snarled, sat up and disengaged the youkai’s lips from his pulse point. He was reluctant to remove the accidentally skillful hand from his cock, but he managed that, as well. He righted himself and zipped up mechanically.

Hastily, the green-eyed demon slapped a hand over the bite and began healing it. “I hope you enjoyed that, Gojyo, because I don’t think I’ll live to do it again.”

End Pt. 5