Towers of Silence

Towers of Silence
- Phoenix ||
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While I was waiting for the coldness of death, I heard another faint noise. The gun had hit the floor.

My brain was a mess, my feelings were more than confusing and my eyes refused to see what they saw. Sanzo’s hand was still hanging in the air; he had made me drop the gun. The bullet that was meant for my head had hit the mirror on the opposite end of the bed. Shimmering glass… the floor was covered in it.

Shyly, fearfully, I turned again to face Sanzo. I saw his façade breaking as his feelings increased, making his body tremble. His gaze hadn’t changed, but he was trying really hard not to let it slip. He was breathing heavily, trying to keep from bursting out in tears, but trying to keep from doing that just makes it worse. It had hit him hard that I was ready to kill myself for him without hesitation. It meant giving up your life on command, without a thought. I was able to do that if it was Sanzo who forced me to do it.

His hand fell down on the sheets, and he looked worse than I did. Like it was him who would have shot me. Finally he managed to speak again, and he almost gagged.

“Gojyo…”

I would have died a hundred times for my sun. I reached out to cup his chin and he leaned in, his hot tears dabbling my fingers. He looked so helpless and lost. We were both ruined and tired...just minutes…just a few minutes had made us feel like dying now.

“I love you.”

Sanzo stared at me - lost, spineless and dazed.

“I…”

I smiled and pulled him closer, and he leaned against my shoulder. He still hadn’t given up on trying to speak again.

“Whatever you told me, I’d do it.”

“Even if it’s so senseless?”

“It’s not senseless anymore.”

Sanzo had closed his eyes. I had shown him that I deeply loved him, and that I would do anything for him just to make him happy. I hoped that he had forgiven me for what I had done. He should have punished me for that, no matter how. He should have also raped me to take vengeance. The constant sound of the rain calmed my nerves and I was so happy that I cried, because Sanzo hadn’t given me up.

Whatever I did, and whatever he did, we would never part. The worst that could happen was that we live side by side, ignoring each other, but still together. I felt his forehead; he wasn’t that hot anymore, but still too hot to be cured already.

“How are you now?”

“Well,” came the answer.

Maybe it was true; I had showed him his light again, and how to shine. He sounded content.

“You just love that goddamn stuff as much as I do, don’t you?”

“What??”

“The lard; smelling so good, feeling so good.”

He made a sound of disgust.

“I would have gagged if I were able to.”

“I thought I shouldn’t wipe it off because Hakkai said that it would help you get better…”

“I’m gonna shoot you the next time, if you don’t wipe it away when I’m not able to,” he hissed.

I smiled and got up to tell Hakkai that Sanzo had woken up.

“Where’re you going ?”

“I thought I’d just tell Hakkai that you woke up.”

His eye twitched and he tensed.

“Something wrong?” I asked him anxiously. “It’s because of Hakkai, isn’t it.”

I sighed. “He will be glad that you have woken up.”

I left him there, heading for Hakkai to tell him. I met him in the living room, watching TV and petting his dragon - which normally spent the whole day in his room, lying near the central heating and purring when Hakkai was around. He didn’t even ask me about the shot; he was convinced that nothing bad had happened, because he totally trusted us. Both lifted their heads and watched me sitting down on the couch. Hakkai loved to sit in the armchair.

“Sanzo’s awake.”

His smile got brighter immediately, and he was obviously glad about the good news - just as I had expected him to be. He attempted to stand up, but I quickly stood up and went to him, kneeling down near the chair. He was a bit surprised, and put the dragon, which sat down on his thigh, aside.

“Hakkai…Sanzo’s still ashamed about... you know. It seems like he’s afraid of you… because of that night. I just thought I’d tell you that.”

His eyes were filled with remorse and he seemed sad.

“I’m sorry anyway for all the trouble I have caused. I’m also sorry for disturbing you all the time and…and I think it’s better to le-”

I hauled him up; the dragon fell on the floor with a shriek and Hakkai was stunned. Wordlessly, I shoved him into our room and pushed him forward to stand in front of the bed. Sanzo had turned his back on him and didn’t turn around to face him.

Hakkai looked at me; he was confused and didn’t know what he should say now.

“Now tell him what you wanted to tell me. Go ahead. NOW.”

“What did you tell him?” Sanzo asked him sourly.

Hakkai cast down his eyes and remained silent for another minute. It seemed like an inquisition.

“I told him that I am sorry for all the trouble I have caused, and especially for that night, and anyway…I’m sorry…”

For the first time in his life Hakkai didn’t know what to say, how to give voice to his thoughts.

“I had no right to...interfere in your games, and I deeply regret what I said that night. I hope you forgive me at least. I don’t want to make you like me again, but I just hope you will forgive me in your heart and then...ignore me...or tell me to leave you two, or… I don’t know. But...” he smiled carefully,”...I’m very happy that you woke up, Sanzo. Tell me if you need anything, or if I can do something for you…if you want me to.”

Then he turned around, wanting to leave the room, but Sanzo turned around as well and, barely audible, he hissed.

“Next time it will be you who will have to beg us to stop.”

Sanzo couldn’t say “I forgive you”. Instead of that he hid the meaning of his words by talking about completely different things. You always had to be careful to get the right meaning out of his sentences, and Hakkai was able to do that. He smiled and left the room.

I carefully looked at Sanzo. He was staring at the door. I had to smile.

“You want us two to violate him, Sanzo?”

His head slowly turned, and violet circles stabbed me like swords.

“He deserves it.” He showed me his worst deadpan.

“Well…it’s quite fine if you don’t feel ashamed anymore, but if you...feel such hate towards him…”

I had to stop. I thought that his look couldn’t have gotten worse, but he looked like he wanted to kill me with sheer imagination.

He pushed the blanket aside and attempted to stand up. I was pretty surprised that he was able to do that, because some moments ago he wasn’t even able to keep his eyes open. He could go really mad when his pride was hurt. While trying to stand up, he fixed me with his eyes and hissed.

“What did you say?”

I smiled again - but not as brightly as I had planned.

“Erm…I said that it is not good to feel so hateful…towards…Hakkai?”

He still sounded ill, which made his voice sound even more dramatic. With the help of the wall, he had finally gotten up, which meant the first step towards my present doom. In a slow way he stumbled towards me; every time one of his feet touched the ground, his footing gave way a bit, but he was always able to take the next step. I didn’t want to provoke him by stepping back, so I kept standing there in silence, waiting for him. I would have hurt him even more if I had tried to stop him. Sometimes it was better to let him have it his way than to prevent him from doing something.

“You shitty half-breed, I can’t remember asking you about my feelings. Neither towards Hakkai nor whether I feel good or bad when thinking about the night you raped me.”

I knew that he couldn’t be taken seriously, but his words also contained some truth - some very uncomfortable truth. I HAD NOT asked him about his feelings. At least I should have come to his door and asked him how he was feeling after that night. And I bet he had desperately wanted me to come to him and ask him about his feelings. I still watched him sneaking towards me, but now he had stopped. It was obvious that he was still too weak to bear such a distance. He was panting heavily and coughing, and I could see the sweat shimmering on his forehead. I was curious now.

“If you don’t come to me now, I will have to call on the scripture, and I’ll tell you that it will tear you apart when I lose control because of my inability to concentrate when I’m ill.”

He had always been good at insulting people and giving sarcastic comments about things. I loved him. And I started to move towards him. When just centimetres separated us I stopped to let him stare at me. I still couldn’t bear his gaze so I had to cast my eyes down.

And again, I didn’t regret anything.

His chest was moving in a steady rhythm. Beads of sweat trailed their way down his even paler skin, and he had gotten so thin that the bones of his ribcage were slightly visible. It was hypnotizing how the skin slid over the bones and stretched. My eyes kept searching their way down his body, and they didn’t stop at his navel. I blamed the part of my brain that was responsible for primitive needs for reacting like someone who had never seen a naked man in his life. I loved to let myself be controlled by that part.

His blond forest was tempting, and I would have reached out to touch him there if he hadn’t been standing in front of me and being about 100% homicidal. At the moment I was also happy just to look at him; and it was the first time I had ever seen him with a limp cock. As long as I can remember Sanzo had always been hard when I had looked at him; it was sure as hell that he would be hard when my gaze touched his lower regions. I had to admit in silence that he was as beautiful limp as he was when he was hard. Just once feeling the softness of his skin when it wasn’t tense... I felt the urge to touch him to make his cock hard, to make it rise.

My head turned around and I immediately felt the hot, stinging mark his hand had left on my cheek. I wasn’t sure whether I should try to look up or just to keep staring at his beautiful bare feet. Shit, everything about him was beautiful.

Breathlessly he whispered, and I felt his breath hit my cheek.

“Fucking erogappa”

I had to look at him, just to tell what he was feeling right now. It wasn’t clear whether he was horny or feeling insulted by my action; it was always hard to tell by is words how he was feeling. And he was such a pervert that maybe he could have been turned on by my looks as well. This time he wasn’t. He was pissed off. Dangerously pissed off.

Apologizing was useless; he wouldn’t have accepted that right now. Instead of killing me he pushed his hand down my pants and got hold of my own hard cock with a painful grip. I uncontrollably bent down and gasped.

“Just…as I had expected it to be.”

He formed an even tighter fist around my swollen dick and made me tremble in bliss.

“You poor creature…I should kill you for that.”

Sanzo twisted his hand and touched the tip of my cock with his thumb. I knew if I started moaning now I would have hurt him even more than I already had by just thinking about sex and pleasure. But that was unfair; he forced me to think about these things by being so damn sexy… There was no disfigurement, he was as beautiful as someone could have been and even the scars on his body were marvellous to look at.

“Sanzo…I can’t do shit about it, I can’t tell my cock to ignore you…when you’re standing stark naked in front of me…” he gripped my hair, maybe to keep himself on his feet or maybe to punish me. Finally his feet gave way under him and he was about to fall down.
Quickly I took his hands and held him up in the air to prevent him from sinking on the floor.

This must have been the worst humiliation he had ever had to bear; it wasn’t easy for him to admit that he was weak when he wasn’t entirely healthy. He was looking at me with big, tired eyes, his mouth slightly open and his gaze showing me his surprise.

“Sanzo,” I told him in a caring voice, “You have to stay in bed. You have just woken up, you aren’t healthy enough to stand up yet. And don’t protest against me, you know that I’m right.”

He tilted his head and looked at the floor to kill it instead of me.

“I wasn’t ashamed, I just had…I had a bad feeling about it.”

“I know.” I gently pushed him towards his bed until his feet met the edge and he sat down. He seemed pretty confused now that I gained a closer look at his face. I caressed his cheek.

“Lie down, Sanzo. I’ll do anything you want me to. Do you feel hungry? Or thirsty? Do you want to smoke? Or are you longing for alcohol ?” I had to smile, no chance of hiding that.

He was looking at me; it seemed like I had smashed his concepts with those questions. He swallowed loudly.

“Some water, please.”

I was glad that he had accepted me again.

“No problem. I’ll be back in a minute.”

I left the room and headed for the kitchen to bring him his glass of water. I caught a glimpse of Hakkai, again sitting in the armchair and petting his dragon. He turned around and looked at me in a questionable way.

“He’s thirsty.”

“Bring him some tap water, don’t bring him mineral water.”

“ ’kay.”

So I filled the glass with water and returned to Sanzo. He was staring out of the window, watching the raindrops hitting the glass; he hadn’t heard me entering the room.

“Sanzo…here’s your water.”

He jerked and looked at me. It took him a few moments to realize that he had asked me for the water some minutes ago.

“Yes.”

He took it, and I sat down on the bed. Sanzo didn’t move.

“Come on, give it to me.”

I took the glass again and pushed it against his lips. Once the liquid had touched his lips he greedily sucked on the glass, swallowing the water.

WHAT THE FUCK was up with me; I felt my cock twitch at the sight of his lips sucking in the liquid, his throat moving and his closed eyes…

“Do you want more ?”

“No. It’s alright.”

I put the glass on the bedside table and moved backwards to lean against the headboard of the bed. Suddenly Sanzo put his head on my chest and his heavy blond hair tickled me. I started to hum the melody of a song he really liked; I even started to sing the lyrics and it made me indescribably happy to see him smile. Everything around me was radiating a certain scent…everything smelt so familiar, I really loved his scent and it hadn’t changed in the faintest way.

“What have you been doing while I’ve been ill? I hope you weren’t lurking at my bed, trying to make me wake up.”

Had he just showed some interest in me? Even in what I had been doing? Worried about what I had been doing?

“I’m sorry, but I’ve been sitting on the bed, desperately hoping to see you open your eyes. Don’t you remember about what I said? That I will royally kick your ass when you wake up? You’re lucky that I don’t feel the urge to do that any more.”

“Yes.”


Everything goes on. The world keeps existing, and the rivers keep flowing, no matter what you are doing, whether you yourself keep living or whether your soul decides to die. You can’t trust the world to end too when you die, because it won’t. Why should it? The world is not interested in you, it doesn’t give a damn about you, it wants to live on. There is just one person who gives a damn about you, just one who wants you to live on. Because for the world you are just a somebody. But for somebody you are the world.

That somebody, and at the same time that world, was lying on my chest, wet with sweat and looking hot as ever. And he was so fucking aware of it that I was annoyed. He just wanted me to grope him so that he could tell me what a perv I am.

“Stop grinding your ass on my thighs!”

He opened his eyes, and with the most innocent voice he purred, “I didn’t do anything.”

“You stupid priest, you’re just waiting to be touched so that you can tell me that I’m lust personified!”

He rammed his elbow into my ribcage to rest on it.

“You are, anyway. Whether you grope my hard cock now, or whether you don’t, your are a pervert.”

“But I’m just longing for you because I had to live without you for almost…two? Or three days. And that is long enough to call it a lack of Sanzo, honey.”

He seemed too tired to carry on teasing me so I put my arm round his chest and pushed him down against me. He was even too weak to protest or to push me away, he just let it happen and again I felt his hair on my skin. I really had a kind of fetish with his hair… he managed to turn me on just by brushing his blond strands against my skin. What a pity that he liked his hair short; I’d love to see him with a mane that would cover his back. Sanzo with a mane…my cock ached.

“What the hell are you thinking that your wimpy dick is as hard as an iron bar?! I bet you’re imagining nasty things involving me - stop that!”

Actually he had the strength to protest.

“Sanzo…what do you think about letting your hair grow…until it reaches...at least your hips?”

“Why?” He absolutely had no clue what I wanted from him.

“Because I think…well, I could imagine that you’d look even more marvellous with longer hair.”

“Fine, I’ll let it grow, now let me rest.”

He was really easy to convince today. I decided to let myself be carried away by visions of Sanzo with long blond waves of pleasure until I realized the weirdness of the pictures shortly before falling asleep.

_____________________


I woke up, feeling a gentle touch on my shoulder. It was Sanzo, carefully trying to wake me up. From time to time he was whispering my name to pull me away from the demons of sleep, and I didn’t dare open my eyes, I wanted to hear my name from him.

“Gojyo…wake up….hey, Gojyo……damn.” He had to pause to gain new strength.

Now he rubbed his head against my neck and stroked my chest.

“Gojyo….come on…wake up…”

I kissed him on his head and grabbed his hand.

“What is it ?”

He kept lying on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry to wake you up but…I’m so thirsty that it even woke me up. Would you…bring me a glass of water, Gojyo? I’m really sorry and I’d fetch it by myself, but I think I wouldn’t even make it to the middle of the room.”

“Sure.”

I shoved him aside and got up. I wasn’t angry with him - I appreciated it that he woke me up to beg me for a glass of water. I had told him that he could wake me whenever he felt lonely or needed something. I passed the living room where Hakkai had fallen asleep in his favorite chair again, with his dragon sleeping in his lap. Carefully I shuffled to the kitchen, but the dragon woke up. It lifted its head to know who was walking around in the kitchen at three o’clock.

I went to the little, white shining dragon and petted his head. He made a cute, low sound and lay down again. Now I wondered why that dragon had decided to stay with Hakkai. Of course Hakkai was a good-hearted man and cared for it, but that dragon could have been free, flying to wherever he may had wanted to, sleeping wherever he may had wanted and eaten and drunk whatever he may have wanted, but instead he stayed with Hakkai, gave up his wild nature and accepted being tamed. But it seemed like he had no problem with being tame; he enjoyed it. He enjoyed the warmth of a body on a cold night. He enjoyed the security of always having the same place for sleeping, and he had given up the wide sky for a life in the hands - or on the shoulder - of a good man.

I should tame Sanzo as well.

I had to try really hard not to burst out into laughter and wake everybody up in that wicked house. I really liked the idea of keeping a pet; it was loyal and also gave you back your love when you succeeded in building up a relationship. A picture of a Sanzo cat popped up in my mind, and I cursed myself for thinking such things when I had just gotten up a few minutes ago.

In the end it took me fifteen minutes to bring Sanzo his glass of water, and he didn’t miss the chance to me.

“What have you been doing there in the kitchen? Painting the ceiling, or what ?”

I didn’t even realize that Sanzo had already tamed me.

I sat down, and gave him the glass.

“Have you ever heard about Pet Play ?”

Although it was dark I thought I could see his eyes on me, suspicious and forcing me to explain to him.

“Doesn’t matter, I’m gonna show you when you’re healthy again.”

I was shocked when the cold water hit me; I hadn’t seen him moving and splashing the rest of the water on my face.

“Get down, I can almost feel your thoughts. Go and take a cold shower.”

“You are so mean to me…I don’t deserve that, honey.”

“Of course you do.” And he turned around and closed his eyes.

I made a final offended sound, and also lay down.

“Thanks for getting up, Gojyo.”

I was all happy to hear him thanking me because I hadn’t really expected that from him.

“Never mind.”

I turned around to embrace him, and I stuck my nose into the mess of his hair.

“I just did it to make you talk to me. You sound even better at night.”

He snorted.

“You idiot, how’s that possible.”

“It is.”


Three minutes later I heard him snoring. He looked so sweet, half covered with the blanket, his hand lying in front of his head and the other down somewhere under the fabric. While I was leaning over him he turned around and touched my hand – the one I was bracing my weight on to myself upright. His arm shot up from nowhere and caught my wrist. I tried to pull away but he held me tight; he wasn’t in the mood to let go of me at all. I sank back on the pillow and tried to sleep; I wasn’t able to do anything else because Sanzo had decided to use my hand as a pillow.

I did everything to make myself fall asleep, but it didn’t work. Sanzo was still snoring the hell out of himself, and I was lying there and couldn’t sleep. I reached out and pinched his nipple in the hope of silencing him, but he just jerked away and kept making noise. Once more I pinched his chest, and he let go of my hand. Then I pinched his nose to make him breathe through the mouth. He blinked and tried to twist his head, but after some seconds he gave in and I had won. It was silent now.


__________________________


Light. No, not at all. Rather dark. The scent of Sanzo’s hair caressed my nose and I rocked forward a bit until I touched his neck.
Good, I was lying behind Sanzo. I hated it when I woke up in places where I couldn’t even remember having gotten into them before falling asleep.

“Don’t get too close. I don’t want you to fall ill as well,” he croaked.
“If you’re telling me this now, it‘s already too late, Sanzo. Besides I can take more - I’m not human.”

He coughed and didn’t say anything.

“How are you? Did something get better?”

“What’s ‘something’?

“Well…the fever for example…or the headache, or the thing with your lungs…there’s a lot to choose from, Sanzo…” I laughed.

“It’s not that funny at all,” he commented with an offended voice.

“No offense intended. Honestly, how are you ?”

“Breathing hurts. Thinking hurts. Moving hurts. Ahm……..cock hurts.”

“What?!”

He chuckled.

“Well then…we’ll have to help it. Won’t we?”

“What, the head or the brain?”

…


“I missed you, Sanzo. Missed everything.”

We kept lying there until Hakkai slammed the door open, calling us for breakfast before disappearing again. His daily ritual.

“Are you hungry?”

“I’d like to have some coffee.”

“Coffee? You know that it’s absolutely not good for you now ?”

“Yes, thank you mother. Get your ass up and carry me to the kitchen.”

“Anything else I can do for you, Sanzo-sama?”

I got up and took him together with the blanket.

“How much do you weigh? You feel so light, like nothing in my hands…”

“How should I know, do you think I secretly got up during the night and went to the scale to look how much I weigh? Idiot.”

I carried him to the kitchen where Hakkai was already sitting. He was a bit surprised to receive two of us, but he was happy that Sanzo had gotten better. At least better enough to be hungry again.

“What does he want for breakfast?”

I smiled.

“Coffee. Hot, steaming black coffee to get high on.”

After I had received a rather painful kick to my shin, I sat down as well.

“But he really should eat something more…something with more substance to it. Some bread - how about some buttered bread?”

Hakkai made an objection: “Butter is too fatty for him. But bread is just fine.”

“Well, then just some bread. You should take advantage of the situation when you’re hungry.”

“I. Want. Coffee.”

“I think I’ll have to force you to eat that stupid bread. And you know that-”

“-that that will fucking turn you on to force me to eat that bloody bread. YES.”

“That’s not exactly what I wanted to say.”

“But you thought it. Kappa.”

He was right. He was always right. I got up, picked up the bread and knelt down in front of him.

“If you don’t eat this by yourself I WILL have to feed you. No matter what. You’ve been warned.”

He didn’t take it. Of course he didn’t take it, he was much too stubborn. I couldn’t hide the smirk, and the moment he saw it his gaze slipped. Quicker than he expected, I grabbed his neck and squeezed. He gasped and tried to pull away from my hands. He was ill and I had my full power; I wouldn’t even have to squeeze that hard to hurt him.

“Hakkai?”

He looked up and then joined me there. While pressing his fingers on each cheek, forcing his jaw to drop, I concentrated on not finding that arousing. When the pressure got too painful for Sanzo, he opened his mouth a bit with a little gasp. I couldn’t resist leaning in and putting my tongue into his mouth. He twisted and jerked, but he wasn’t able to get free. When I had tasted enough of Sanzo I took a little piece of the bread and shoved it into his mouth.

“Either you are intelligent enough to swallow that, or we will have to force you to do that as well. And I think that will be even more painful.”

I let go of his neck. Hakkai took his fingers away and Sanzo bent down and coughed. After he had swallowed, I heard him talk from down there.

“That‘s not fair….”

I knelt down again and took his head into my hands. Droopy violet eyes stared at me, framed by a seriously pouting face.

“It’s good for you, I think you can believe Hakkai in such things.”

Some moments of silence passed.

“I will eat the rest of what you have in your hand.”

I sighed.

“If…?”

He wouldn’t do something like that voluntarily.

“If you do something for me, then.”

“Anything you want me to do. Just eat up that bread.”

He took the rest of it and shoved it into his mouth, the whole piece. Just so Sanzo-like.

“Good.” I smiled and petted his head like he was a dog.

“So, what’s that Pet Play thing?” he asked me seriously.

“What…I should explain… now… right here?”

He glared at me. Not good for my health.

“Well…” I sat down on my chair and drank some coffee to gain some time to search for the right words to explain it with. He wanted me to blush in front of Hakkai, and he wanted me to feel embarrassed but man, that would backfire.

“Take a horse for example. First, I will give you the pleasure of an enema, then I will shove a butt plug with a ponytail up your ass.
I will put some headgear on you, gag you with that comfortable thing that horses have in their mouths, and I will tie you up to prevent you from fleeing. And then I will ride you.”

Hakkai had choked on his tea while I was talking about the butt plug, and Sanzo had shifted in his seat while mentioning the gag.
I hadn’t flushed at all but Sanzo looked so cute…a light touch of red had spread on his cheeks, and he tried to hold my gaze with his.
He needed some time to assimilate that. He just kept staring at me.

“I want my coffee,” he hissed finally.

What could you do about such a man? Nothing really, just accept and enjoy him.

“You won’t get any coffee since you are ill.”

Now Sanzo was made to have the experience of not getting what he wanted - maybe for the first time. And he was unable to cope with the situation. His eye twitched, his lips pressed together and you could almost feel the heat of his anger.

“You sound like a fucking mother, telling her goddamn child not to do this and that. If you haven’t realized...I’m 23 years old, I’ve become a priest and a queer because of an idiot and it is MY life and not anybody else’s, and I will fucking do what I want. SO GODDAMN GIVE ME THE COFFEE NOW.”

His voice cracked and it wasn’t very good how the anger was influencing his condition… I got up and positioned myself behind him. He ignored me. Softly I put two fingers on his neck to feel his pulse. With a calm voice I tried to convince him.

“Can you feel the vein pulsing? Your heartbeat is much too fast, and when you drink that coffee it will just be twice as fast as it is now. And as you know, people just have a limited amount of heartbeats in their lives and when it comes down to your last one you will die because your time on earth is over. And I don’t want you to die sooner because of such silly things.”

He had turned his head to hide his expression from me and Hakkai. I hesitated for a second to remove my fingers. His hand shot up and forcefully pushed my hand away. His former character had gained control over him again.

He laid all his hate and anger into his gaze so that you were either forced to stare at him, had to look away, or you were forced to run away and cleverly hide somewhere. Of course he hypnotized me. And he venomously hissed in a way that his voice almost materialized.

“What do you think you are anyway? First you rape me, tear me apart, kill me and then you care about me in that false way like a whore can care about her bastardized child?”

That hit me hard. Truth always hit hard. Even Hakkai was gasping near me. He also knew that it was truth that caused him to clench his thighs.

And Sanzo didn’t need to know that he had just used the right words to make us feel like we deserved it. He was too conceited to believe in the contrary anyway, which made it even worse.

“That’s just sick, you twisted sadist, you can’t claim my life like I was a doll, you can’t decide for me!”

I couldn’t decide for him, while I was overjoyed when Sanzo decided for me and ordered me around. We were so similar and so different. Maybe his feelings concerning that rape, which he had just swallowed down for my sake, broke through the surface. But he was right. He absolutely had the right to accuse me of being sick, of …playing with his mind.

“I’m not someone whom you can easily turn on or off at will, you can’t just pretend like nothing happened because it HAPPENED!
You screwed things up, and you can’t continue living like that; you aren’t even aware of your guilt.”

He stopped because he had to suck in some air, and then he blinked and looked quite irritated, as if shiny white stars where sailing in front of his eyes.

He hadn’t overcome it yet. Maybe it had seemed like that, but he was still suffering from it. He was also still suffering from Komyou’s death, so why should he forget that easily about my betrayal of confidence? I couldn’t think. Just stutter.

“But…I have….already apologized…Sanzo…”

If you thought his voice couldn’t have gone more hateful you would had been pretty wrong. He nearly spit venom at me.

“And you think it’s over just because of your apology? ‘Oh, Sanzo...you must have gotten sick of my apologies…they are not just half-hearted, it is very hard for me to apologize,’ blahblah… like I should be so thankful as to kiss your toes for apologizing or something… I shall tell you what you can do with your apology: Take it. And. Shove. It. Up. Your. Ass. Maybe it will turn you on, you sick bastard.”

I was stunned. And I wet my lips, concentrating on not starting to cry or opening my mouth, because everything I would have said now would have been misplaced. It wasn’t so much the fact that he was probably right, or that he had used such obscene words. It was him who had said that, and that made me feel worse than I had felt when I had realized what I had done to him.

Hakkai was just sitting in his chair; nobody knew what to do now, what to say or what to look at. We needed something to distract us from the spell of that awful situation; it held us tight, as I could still feel those entirely hostile waves from Sanzo. And he was still looking at me, his eyes even more deadly as they were when he had been talking because now he could fully concentrate on maltreating me with them. He wouldn’t give us the satisfaction of getting up and leaving the room, certainly not. He knew too well that he would save us by doing that.

From time to time, I restlessly moved, and I couldn’t even beg him with my eyes to stop staring at me because I had to hold back the tears. Shove it up my ass… and I had really cared about him; I would have shot myself if he hadn’t woken up the next day. This was a real dilemma. Maybe it was false to show so much love and to care so much about him when I had just done the opposite a short time ago. But I had sworn to myself that I would never touch him again without his permission, and I should have talked to him right now except that I couldn’t talk.

I was still upset from the last few hours of doubting whether he would ever wake up again or not; I was emotionally spent and I couldn’t stand that special penetration from him anymore. Just looks, but worse than words.

So I gave up control; I fell on my knees, hit the floor and started to cry. Now it was harder to talk. I knelt there, my head pressed against the dirty floor and my arms crossed, my nails buried in my back. I desperately tried to prevent myself from sighing and moaning and crying but it was useless, I nearly wanted to suffer for him.

Men shouldn’t cry. But I wasn’t a man anymore. So there was no problem with that. Anyway, my brother had told me to cry whenever I felt the urge to do so. I had often cried when I had been young, but those situations had become rare when I had grown up. Nobody would see my tears that easily, I would hide them with my behaviour, fucking somebody into the mattress, as they say, or allowing myself to be fucked by someone else just to forget and suppress.

I only cried for Sanzo; no one had ever seen me crying since I had reached the age of 13. My tears were special; Sanzo owed them and no one else. Not even Hakkai, who had fixed a spot on the table, happened to see them. I cried shamelessly, regardless of anything. Just like he must have cried after he had fled to his room - his sanctuary.

Why couldn’t I be his sanctuary, why didn’t he come to me… Everything, just everything bad came to my mind and shoved me deeper into darkness.

Until I felt it; light was shimmering in front of me in warm waves. I knew that it was Sanzo, because nobody else was able to afflict my mind like that. I wasn’t sure whether he had gotten up to kick me in the guts or to offer me a helping hand. More likely the first, considering his current mood. I couldn’t stop crying anyway, so it wouldn’t make a difference if I were to feel some more pain.

And I really couldn’t have imagined how hurtful it was to feel his warm hand on my back. Surely a hundred times worse than a disgusted kick to my belly. I didn’t dare to look up. Never. At least I tried to quit crying and whining, but once you have started that you can’t stop it that easily. Again his kindness struck me hard, and I had to get rid of his touch. With a trembling hand I softly took his wrist and pushed it away; I so hoped that he wouldn’t mistake that action, because I wouldn’t be able to explain it right now.

Sanzo pulled away and freed his hand from my grip. He was annoyed, I was sure about that. So I was even more surprised when his hand gently covered my eyes. I felt his other hand round my back, and with gentle force he pulled me up into a kneeling position.
I didn’t know what to do with my hands, and at first I wanted to push his hands away, but that wasn’t such a good idea. I let my hands drop on the floor and waited for Sanzo to do something.

I hated it, but I was still jerking from crying too much and my head ached from the lack of air. And Sanzo didn’t do anything; he was just holding me. It was good that he had covered my eyes; I didn’t want to see anything now. Feeling his familiar smooth skin, breathing the air he had exhaled and used, and feeling the heat he was still radiating…I decided to do everything he told me to do. To kill myself. To torture myself. To let myself be raped. To do whatever may cause him pleasure. Everything.

My heartbeat was still too fast to calm down entirely, but I had calmed quite a bit so that at least I wasn’t shaking anymore. He was a god. And more than that - he was my god. Whatever anyone did, he would never be failing, never lose his pureness, and he was so all merciful.

I had to wait for him to do something; it would have been wrong if I had moved now. In my thoughts I shot Hakkai a quick glance, but then I let myself drown in the pleasures of feeling his hands on my skin. Now he removed his hand from my back and put it on my mouth. I lifted my arm by reflex to catch his, but I tensed and just gripped him lightly to feel him.

He must have enjoyed the hot breath on his fingers because he pushed them a bit higher until he nearly prevented me from breathing.
Losing control, being at his mercy, and hoping that he wouldn’t cover my nose as well made me feel so indescribably good that I couldn’t fight another series of tears. They wetted his hand, made his skin slippery and forced him to press tighter against my face.

His other hand was already moist from my breath, and I could feel it just covering one of my nostrils. The harder I tried to calm down, the more I got upset, and so did my breathing rhythm. It got faster until it was damn hard to get enough air through one tight hole. I had to swallow, and fought with the urge to shake my head to loosen his grip, but I wasn’t allowed to.

He seemed again like a rapacious beast playing with his victim before he would twist its neck to break its spine. But there was love. Quiet affection, which made me feel so blissful. He lowered his hand again and let me breath. I wasn’t really surprised when I heard him talking near my ear. Whispering so that I had to be attentive not to lose a word or some of the air he sent against my ear when talking.

“Are you okay again?”

I tried to breath in a constant low rhythm to show him that everything was fine again. At least pretty fine, I was still worrying about Sanzo. But he didn’t like being worried about, and he had told me that he disliked it, so I put away those thoughts and just enjoyed the moment of an ideal world. No matter how much shit and nonsense we caused, we always found a way through.

Now he pulled his hand away from my mouth, but I kept holding it so he couldn’t escape my touch. His other hand still covered my eyes. Finally I found the courage to open my mouth.

“Take your hand away…I want to see the light.”

He immediately did it, and I just had to turn my head to the right to look straight into the sun and risk being blinded for the rest of my life. Fortunately, all I saw was comfortable, warm light, but the moment I caught his eyes I got frightened. He was panting heavily, and although he was intent on not making any noise I could see how straining it was for him. His forehead shimmered with sweat, and now I also noticed that his hand felt really hot.

I bit my lip and slightly shook my head while looking at him…

“I meant it…Sanzo…honey…I really meant it, and I will do whatever you want me to do to make good for it.”

I raised my hand and stroked his cheek, and he kept looking at me with that weird gaze. He looked so ill, so tired and spent and I could see how much he was struggling and concentrating on not collapsing on the floor. Another wave of feelings hit me and gave me the courage to talk to him again.

“Don’t be angry with me, but you…really have to go to bed, Sanzo. You don’t look very good…”

I let go of him, carefully got up to bend down to take him in my arms and bring him back to our room. While I got up he already had to keep himself up by lying back and leaning on his elbows, now audibly panting. I hauled him up and put his arm round my shoulders to lead him to the bed. I didn’t really think that I would have been able to carry him in my arms now. His steps were weak, and every time he tried to put his foot on the floor and stand on it, it gave way, and his weight would hit my shoulders. So this was more dragging than leading him, but I didn’t care. I was happy that I was able to do something for him, to help him.

In the middle of our little walk he totally collapsed and toppled over.

“Hnn….Gojyo…”

He whined and reached out to catch my arm to keep himself from falling on the floor.

“I wouldn’t let you fall.”

Together we shuffled along to the door, and when we finally reached the bed I took him in my arms and carefully laid him on the blanket. I was eager to leave the room to get another bucket of cold water and a cloth for his forehead, but when I headed for the kitchen Sanzo wasn’t entirely agreeable.

“Gojyo, where…”

I turned around, and I had to smile. He thought that I might leave him there, all alone in the room.

“Back in a minute.”

I hurried to get the things, and when I came back, Sanzo was lying down with his eyes closed, so I didn’t really know whether he had fallen asleep, or was just resting while I was away. I was careful not to make any noise, and I hoped that I wouldn’t wake him by putting the cold cloth on his head. But maybe that damn priest was just playing with me; it would be so typical of him. However, I wet it and put it on his hot forehead. He didn’t move.

I sat down on the other side of the bed and took my time to examine his body once again; there was nothing else for me to do. Well, maybe I should have covered him with the blanket, because it was hard for me not to look at his cock when I knew that he was completely naked. I didn’t want to feel guilty again so I pulled the blanket up to his navel, and I was happy with the compromise because then I still had half of Sanzo to drool on.

As I was looking at his chest and belly, I had the vulgar thought that he should put on some weight. Suddenly I found it damn sexy to imagine him a bit fatter…what the hell was I thinking?! Sha Gojyo - queer and fat-loving lover of bitchy blonds. It couldn’t get any worse. Well…his belly should have been just a little bit more…corpulently…yummy. The more I thought about it, the more ashamed of my thoughts I became. I didn’t know where they were coming from or what was causing them, but somehow I found them really pleasing. At the next opportunity I would secretly try to make him put on some weight. Let’s see...

Anyway, he was much too thin for a man of 23. He smoked, drank and drank coffee for breakfast as well as throughout the day; it was obvious that he would never get fat with that kind of an attitude towards his body.

While I was thinking all this, Sanzo deeply inhaled, and then he turned his head to look at me innocenctly.

Mh…hypocritical prick.

I couldn’t talk to him about that now, because he wasn’t ready to have a decent discussion in his current state of mind and health.

“Is there a certain reason for pulling the blanket up only mere centimetres above my dick ?”

Well…maybe he was able, though.

“Of course.”

He stared at me for some moments, and then lifted his hand to rub his thumb against his ribs. While doing that he arched up and groaned seductively. His hand slid over his chest and down over his belly. Oh, how I tried to ignore the screaming thoughts and just enjoy it, but I couldn’t look at him anymore. I wanted him fatter. Now.

“Sanzo…listen…”

He stopped. Because he knew that I wanted to say something important or dodgy when I began my sentence like this. I paused as well. I had to collect all the courage that I had left from before. It wasn’t as easy to talk about this as I had believed it was going to be, because it was so abnormally grotesque and strange.

“How about…you know…eating a bit more at breakfast…or at lunch...or at dinner?”

“What?” He absolutely didn’t understand.

“I think that you’re much too skinny for your age; you should put on some weight.”

He looked at me with a disgusted gaze. This was what I was afraid of, that he wouldn’t understand.

“You want me to put on some weight? What the hell gave you this idea?”

“I just noticed that…you look pretty unhealthy, in fact. You’re much too slim, that’s not good for your health.”

“I…” his voice broke, ”look unhealthy? You serious?”

“Well, yes.”

He violently grabbed some skin over his ribs, and with a furious gaze he yelled at me, “I’m not thin, I’m goddamn fat!”

Now I was surprised, really surprised. He was as slim as a young sapling, and I was really worried. I turned my head, swallowed hard and leaned back on the headboard. That was something Sanzo hadn’t expected. He was quite irritated and confused by my sudden deliberate end of the discussion. He moved closer to me.

“Is something wrong?”

I solicitously looked at him, and I was really sad that I hadn’t noticed before. Maybe he hadn’t fully understood me.

“Sanzo, don’t you think that you’re thin enough? You looked really beautiful before you fell ill…if you just…”

He looked at me like I had told him that I loved a toad.

“What? You call me thin? You don’t really believe this, do you?”

“But Sanzo...” I laughed nervously,”I could take two of your upper arms in my hand, maybe even three…”

“So?”

“That’s not normal!! You…you don’t understand me, do you? “

“Of course, you want me to grow fat.”

I still couldn’t believe it.

“Sanzo, just a simple question: do you consider yourself fat?”

“Yes?”

I didn’t know how to handle the situation; it had gotten out of control… I quickly sat up and then fled from the room. Hakkai was sitting in the living room, watching TV as always. I sat down on the couch, and he immediately knew that something was wrong with me. It was just embarrassing.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

I looked at him. Hakkai surely knew what to do, he knew just about everything.

“It’s about Sanzo.”

He smiled. “Well, I was almost sure that it was about him.”

“What I think is… I think he’s ill.”

“Erm… well… he IS ill, Gojyo.”

I frowned at him, and then I realized how nonsensical my statement must have sounded.

“Yes, I mean I think he’s too thin. And he told me that he thinks that he’s much too fat.”

“What? Really? So you think he’s been throwing up after eating?”

I eyed him suspiciously.

“He doesn’t eat at all, does he?”

“Now that you mention it…I was wondering as well about his figure.”

I cast my eyes down. I really didn’t know what to do if it was serious. I accused myself of being careless and inattentive, and maybe it was even me who had caused this madness. Maybe he wanted me to like him, and therefore lost weight… It was so difficult, I couldn’t go back to our room and see him again. I was just shocked. I looked up again.

“If he’s really ill, Hakkai, we’ll have to force him to eat.”

“Do you really think that this will be the solution for his problem?”

“At least it would help him to get healthy again! And that would be a solution, at least just for a little while, until we found something more effective.”

“I will help you, of course. But I don’t think this is right. We HAVE to help him, that’s out of the question, but I think not in this way.”

“You know something better?”

“Honestly, no.”

“Come on, take some of the food and join me. You did cook something at midday, didn’t you?”

“Yes, I hoped you’d come and join me…”

So Hakkai took some of the rice and beef with him, and together we entered the room. Sanzo was sitting on the bed, staring at the crinkles of the blanket. When he heard us entering the room, he looked up.

I sat down at his side and looked at the floor, the mixture of those new feelings was completely new to me, and so unfamiliar.

“What…do you want to do with the food there? Are you hungry, Gojyo?”

I turned my head a bit more so as not to look at him. Hakkai helped me - more or less.

“Don’t you feel hungry, Sanzo? I think you haven’t eaten for days and…you have to eat something to get healthy again. It’s good for you.”

I felt Sanzo’s gaze on me.

“Did you just talk about what we just talked about, with Hakkai ?”

I cleared my throat, I couldn’t think of anything better.

“Come on, Sanzo, just the rice and a bit of the beef, it’s not much.”

“The hell, no”

Now Hakkai turned to me.

“I think you are right…what shall we do now?”

I waited some seconds and then quickly got up, caught his arms and held them against the headboard. Sanzo was too weak and tired to foresee it, and therefore defend himself against me.

“What the fuck!! Let go of me, you asshole!”

“Hakkai, now, feed him!”

Sanzo was squirming and shaking his head.

“You want him to do WHAT?!”

Hakkai seemed intimidated; Sanzo still represented the authority he had been when he wasn’t ill.

“What are you waiting for? Move your ass!”

I litterally woke him up, and he gripped Sanzo’s head to hold him still. Sanzo was trying to bite him, and screamed in fury.

“I promise you… aah… you are already dead… hnn… I’ll shoot you… in the head…”

Hakkai took the chance, and put a spoon with rice into his mouth. Sanzo kept protesting and thrashing, but he couldn’t get rid of the food, because Hakkai was covering his mouth and somehow forcing him to swallow.

The whole process must have taken over an hour; it was difficult to feed a bloody pissed off Sanzo, but by the time Hakkai had shoved the last piece of beef into his mouth, Sanzo had been hanging weakly from my grip, whining and not protesting anymore. It was a real torture for him to be forced to eat because it disgusted him so much. If we didn’t watch him, he’d just put a finger into his mouth and puke on the blanket. Or maybe he was disgusted enough that he wouldn’t need to do anything to make himself gag. I felt real pity, and I was so sad about this development of things.

A worried glance hit me, and I couldn’t answer him with a smile, because I couldn’t smile right now. I let go of Sanzo’s hands, and he slackly fell down on the pillows, coughing and holding his belly. I sat down again, but I turned my back on him because I couldn’t look at him anymore. He didn’t say anything, so I decided to leave him alone before he could start to tear apart my soul with his voice. I hurried out of the room, leaving him curled up on the sheets.

Maybe I should have talked to him about this, and maybe he wanted to talk to me, but at the moment I simply couldn’t stand his appearance.

---------------------

In the evening, when I was sure that he must already be asleep, I returned to our room to go to bed. I was careful not to wake him, so I sneaked to the bed and slowly sat down. I couldn’t tell whether he was asleep or not, because lately he didn’t make any sound at all whether he was awake or sleeping. It was 2 a.m in the morning, and I hoped that he had fallen asleep by now. Sanzo needed some sleep to gain new strength and get healthy. I turned my back on him and stared into the darkness.

My back ached, and I finally turned around to lie on the other side. I couldn’t help opening my eyes and looking at him. He wasn’t asleep; he was much too quiet to be asleep. The fact that he still couldn’t sleep at 2 a.m. and that he should have been tired as hell because of the disease let me conclude that he must have been thinking about something really hard up to now. That was my fault.

I reached out over his chest and pulled him closer to me. He was surprised that I had touched him because after my escape after midday he hadn’t really expected me to care about him. I made him lie on my chest, his head between my jaw and my chest.

I wanted to show him that I felt sorry, and sorry for him. I needed someone to console, and he was the only one who was able to console me. Agreeable silence filled the room, and I enjoyed the feeling of his warm body. He was still sick.

“So you think I’m too skinny…” he said dryly.

I didn’t know what to answer him.

“Although I just did it for you.”

What had he done for me? I was too curious to remain silent, so I didn’t think about the right words and just asked him.

“What?”

“I just thought you’d love me more if I lost some weight. Because I know that you’ve always been lurking after thin women…”

Thin blonde women, he was right.

“And I was so fucking afraid that you’d leave me and take the next beautiful…woman. I thought you’d find me more attractive if I got thinner.”

I wasn’t used to such honest words from him. Months ago he wouldn’t even have admitted that I was right. While my brain was putting his words together and analyzing them, Sanzo’s hand clenched my hand and held it tight. I wasn’t disappointed in him after his confession, I was just sadder. And I had to convince him. I bent my head to whisper into his ear.

“It’s not your body that I love, Sanzo. You have such a wonderful…interesting character. I wouldn’t have cared if you had been a child or a swan or an old man with lots of wrinkles, I’m sure that I would have fallen in love anyway if you had that same character. I also love your body, it would be false if I denied that, but I love your body because I love your character. I’m not so superficial that I’d love your temper because I first loved your body…do you understand me? I’d accept it if you liked to be thin, or if you wanted to be rather corpulent, that’s none of my business. But I don’t want you to do without food just for me. To be honest I feel quite honoured and happy that you would do something like that for me but…I don’t want you to suffer for me.”

Leaving him for a woman. He was still anxious about being left, and he was jealous of everyone who shot me an inviting glance. He’d like to lock me up in his room and never let me go or see any other people, because maybe I would find someone sexier than him and therefore drop him.

Like hell.

Who’d give me new hope when I was too sad to even get up from bed? Who’d whip me when I was longing for pain, and who’d give me the love I have been craving for so long? Certainly no blonde, thin woman. I only had eyes for him; every other human being looked the same to me: grey, boring and with a lot of failures.

Sanzo also had a lot of failures himself, but I loved each one of them. When he smacked me if we were seriously quarrelling, or when he turned the cold shoulder on me when I had insulted him - that made me just want him even more. And I wasn’t really aware of the fact that I loved a man, because he wasn’t a man to me, he was… Sanzo.

Sanzo.

I cuddled him, and stuck my nose into his hair to smell some Sanzo-scent. Well…he didn’t smell as good as usual because he was ill, but he still had his typical scent. I pulled on the blanket and slurred into his blond mane.

“I’ll feed you every day from now on, honey. And there is no chance of getting rid of me.”

“Who says that I want to get rid of you…I’d chain you to the wall if you didn’t need a run from time to time.”

“Why are you so afraid that I would leave you…”

I heard him swallow, and he moved a bit away from my head.

“’Cause I’m ugly.”

Now I was shocked. Just…I didn’t understand that man…how could he think that he seemed ugly?! How could he dare to think that he didn’t look marvellous? Maybe this was the main problem, the main reason for his behaviour.

“What…what makes you think that??”

“Honestly, what do you love about me…my short, dry hair?”

He pushed himself away from my embrace.

“Or maybe my face, with these dark rings under eyes that look like those of a dog ? My lips, which are much too thin, or my chest which is so fucking short?”

He was talking in a voice that made me shiver; he felt so sure about this.

“Or is it my belly, which is not THERE AT ALL,” he screamed. He couldn’t suppress the rage anymore, his voice was shaky and he seemed so mad. I could see his features in the dark because of my good senses, but at this moment I wished I couldn’t see them.
He grabbed some flesh on his thighs.

“Or do you love these fat thighs, huh? This goddamn back which aches every time I just bend down, or my hands and toes WHICH LOOK LIKE THOSE OF A WOMAN?! WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES YOU SAY ‘I LOVE YOU’?!!”

Give me some time… Just some time, some seconds to rally. The world became blurred.

“No…Sanzo….no…” I was shaking my head, biting on my lip. How much did I have to cope with to finally end up just loving him, just loving Sanzo and not talking about such unnecessary things? But they seemed important to him, too important. He began kicking the sheets.

“I…fucking..hnh…hate this…body!!”

He wildly looked around, and when the glass on his bedside table had caught his eyes, he took it and hit the wood with it. It burst, and the pieces of glass landed on the floor with a shrill sound. With the rest of the glass, which had remained in his hand, he started slashing his skin, drawing blood from it.

I should have done something. My brain told me to do something, but my body didn’t move. Maybe I would wake up the next second with a sweaty face and be damn glad that it had just been a nightmare. But nothing happened.

Suddenly I felt anger pulsing through my body, annoyance and desperation. I lifted my arm, and with a quick movement I made him drop the glass and firmly gripped his hands, embracing him again. He kept twisting - he wouldn’t have been Sanzo if he hadn’t - but I pressed his arms against his chest so that he soon got short of air. He coughed and shifted a bit.

I turned my head to talk to him, but he moved his away to show me that he wasn’t really curious about what I might have wanted to tell him. I let go of his hand, caught his jaw, and violently turned his head around. I bit his ear until it started to bleed, and he whined.

“If you want to be hurt, then tell me.”

Again I bit down hard, and he made a gurgling sound. It was comfortable to feel numb because of some strong pain. Then you couldn’t concentrate on something else because the pain distracted you and penetrated your brain. And Sanzo needed this now; he had to be reminded of something.

Slowly I drew back from him, but he complained with a tearful moan.

So I twisted my head, and my teeth sank into the soft, delicate flesh of much too thin lips. He moaned, and cried and clenched the sheets because of the intense pain I caused him. To send him over the edge, I gripped his naked cock and rubbed my thumb over the tip of it. He was oversensitive because he hadn’t had sex for days, and we used to have sex at least once a day. He jerked uncontrollably, and he couldn’t hold back the little cries. I rubbed harder while still tormenting his lip, until Sanzo seemed ready to pass out any minute. I put my hand on his chest, and gave him a few moments to recover. While he was trying to catch his breath, I softly whispered.

“I love everything about you. EVERYthing. You are perfect, what else do you want? Just look at me…do I complain about my body? About my eyes and hair that seem to consist of blood? Pure Blood? Or about my scars, reminding me forever of my mother? You know, some people may call that facial disfigurement… Do I complain…about my hands? They are so big, so rough…”

“Not at all.”

“You see, I have learnt to accept all this, I have even learnt to love some parts of these oddities, and it’s okay. Sanzo, you are perfect, there’s nothing wrong with your body. Every inch of you makes me think of hot sex…”

I pinched his chest - softly.

“Every……inch…”

And then harder.

He was enjoying it; he was drowning in it.

“Shall I…ow…give your scars…a new meaning?”

I was curious what he meant, but he didn’t let me think about it. Sanzo pushed me down and sat on my chest, my arms pinned down on the pillow by his feet. One of those rare, desperate smiles escaped him, like he would go mad and commit genocide, and then suicide the next second… He put his fingers on the scars, traced the shiny violet skin, and without any warning dug his nails into my cheek so that a scream tore the black night apart.

While tearing at the skin, he started panting and didn’t stop until I couldn’t feel my cheek any more. When he seemed content with it he drew back and licked his nails clean. The gaze he showed me was a picture for the gods: tired, but absolutely happy, he smiled.

“Now they’re mine…only mine.”

He bent down, and that image made me hard – even harder than I had already been. Sanzo licked over my cheek, stuck his tongue into the wound, which caused me to yelp in pain, and made little sounds of pleasure himself.

“No one will have you, no one will take you, no one will dare to take you because I own you…”

He seemed breathless, and now the disease was calling on him again. His body fell forward, but before he could hit my face I caught him and gently lay him down on my chest. His hard cock was pressing against my length, but he didn’t realize that anymore. Too bad for me that I did, because if he collapsed now I wouldn’t have anyone to… well…help me. I was counting on him after that violent action, but now he simply lay there heavily panting, wetting my nipple with his hot breath.

“Shall I help you?” he panted.

I kept staring into the darkness.

“Go to the windowsill and sit down. Until I tell you to get up again, you will sit there.”

I was happy about the order from him, and carefully got up. I left him lying on the sheets, his limbs sprawled and slack, and went to the mentioned place. I sat down.

“Your hands on your thighs. And don’t talk unless you’re asked.”

I did what he had told me.

Minutes passed. I tried to think of nothing. And gave it up very quickly because that made me even harder. How was that possible?
I couldn’t resist the urge to talk to him; I was longing for him now, and he had doomed me to sit on that stupid windowsill instead of allowing me to lick him clean of sweat. Sanzo was still lying on the bed, maybe collecting his strength.

It was so dark in the room that I couldn’t even see the door on the other side of the room. Now I noticed the cool air, flowing through some cracks in the window. It constantly hit my back, and I hoped that Sanzo’s mood wouldn’t last longer than this night because I would suffer from that coolness if he decided to let me sit there for another 12 hours.

I was thinking so hard that I hadn’t noticed Sanzo getting up and stumbling towards me. When I realized that he was standing in front of me, I gasped. Gods, how I wanted to reach out and touch him, to feel his skin, to taste him…he was teasing me by standing there, and I think he knew that. He knew everything that you were proud to know, but he never showed you.

The cold draught was a pain in the ass.

“Sanzo, there’s cold air c-”

He slapped my face pretty roughly.

He stuck to what he promised. The next second I felt heat pooling in my lower regions, a stinging heat that made my stomach twist, and I knew that this was it. Days without any pain, any punishment - I thought I had gone mad.

Because once you’ve been lacking it, your body and mind tell you what you need. You can’t sleep, you just restlessly move from one side to the other, dreaming of whips and chains, and you get more and more desperate because you know that you won’t get it.
You aren’t able to talk, just moan and complain about your needs, and it attacks your sanity. You don’t know what to do, how to lie there, how to breathe and how to think, because that need just poisons your thoughts.

A long time had passed since the last time I felt like that, but now because of his illness I had to forgo that special satisfaction. It was hard for me, but I couldn’t rape him when he was ill. Firstly, I would never, ever rape him again, and secondly, it was inhuman to do such things when he was suffering from a disease.

So it felt like paradise when he smacked me. I enjoyed every sensation caused by this - the burning cheek, the humiliation and the discomfort of the following silence.

I saw him put a hand on the sill to keep himself up, and with the other he caught my chin. Panting from exertion, he bent his head and reprimanded me

“I told you…not to…talk,” he swallowed,” when you are not…asked…”

I closed my eyes to concentrate on the hot breath hitting my face. He was different - he had regained his old temper, and he wanted to see me suffer for him. This meant that he was on the road to recovery. Abruptly he let go of me, turned on his heels, and went back to the bed. It must have been 3 or 4 o’clock now, and my body was screaming for some sleep. It was hard to sit up straight there, and not close my eyes and give in. Now I understood the sense of the game.

After another hour I was in a trance; my thoughts were flying around the room, and my back had gone numb.

I just looked up as I saw the faint light of the sun. It would have been wonderful to watch it. Because the rays were so bright and strong, there must have been no clouds in the sky anymore. Sanzo was asleep, and I was glad that he was able to get some sleep.

The light pierced the room, and new hope and happiness rose in me. Breathing already hurt, and I had tensed up so I would be able to bear the rest of the night. I didn’t want to miss the chance of seeing the sun hitting Sanzo’s face after so many days, so I turned my stiff neck to get him into proper view. As the rays caressed his face, every shadow was gone, every darkness had disappeared, and he looked so adorable.
Sanzo jerked when a door was shut too loudly. It was Hakkai’s - maybe the wind had shut it that loudly, because Hakkai was always very careful not to wake anybody up that early in the morning.

Sanzo lazily opened his eyes, and the first thing he did was look in my direction. When he saw me still sitting there, he smiled and closed his eyes again.

I didn’t dare stand up or move, because he had told me to sit there. My back was killing me, but there would have to be something a lot worse than that to make me stand up and get under the cosy blanket next to Sanzo. I didn’t give up that easily; I had a lot of self-discipline concerning such things. But only concerning such things; when it came to a naked Sanzo, and having to stand in front of him and not grope him, I’d fail.

A sudden sting of pain forced me to close my eyes. My back felt like it was being shattered. I wanted him to get up and punish me for kicking up a fuss over of the pain. I wanted him to get up and kiss me in the morning, and to let me feel his smooth skin when he’d pet my head.

After a few more minutes, he really did get up and went towards me, but he totally ignored me and just looked out of the window behind me. Sanzo was standing in front of me, and he still hadn’t put on his pants because he still felt hot from the fever.

Just centimeters away. I could have stuck out my tongue and touched his hard cock. I could smell his delicate scent, and I whined. He drove me mad; I needed him now or I would suffer from another mental attack of insanity. He fucking kept staring out the window, probably aware that he made me go nuts. The longer he stood there, the more desperate I got, because he was so near and yet so far away at the same time. Untouchable.

I moaned and opened my mouth to engulf his length. So much for self-discipline. He really hadn’t expected me to be so nasty and cheeky as to dare to rebel against him and ignore his order. Even before I could put my tongue under his dick, he drew back and forcefully lifted a knee. He hit me hard on my nose, which pulled me back into reality.

I gasped and tried to breathe through my mouth as I felt blood trickling down from my shattered nose. Wordlessly, Sanzo turned around and headed for the door. He wanted to…have breakfast without me… He left me there all alone, sitting in the quiet room and hoping that it would soon stop bleeding. I felt my heartbeat in every part of my body, and I felt sick because of hunger and lack of sleep.

I was surprised when the door opened, and Sanzo came in with two cups of coffee in his hands. Hakkai, that damn idiot, had given him coffee. He shuffled along to me and sat down by my side. Without looking into my eyes, he held the cup in front of my lips and invited me to drink. I greedily drank the hot coffee, and in half a minute I had emptied the cup.

He put the cup down and took the other.

“You can have mine, as well. I’ll go and get myself some more, then.”

I happily took the offer and swallowed the steaming drink, and I didn’t care that I had burnt my tongue. Sanzo then got up and he really did go and get himself some more coffee. But then he just sat down on the bed and spread the paper in front of himself so that I couldn’t see him anymore. It was silent then, except that every now and then the papers rustled when he turned the pages.

I averted my eyes from him, and looked at the broken mirror on the floor. Nobody cared about it, or bothered to clean up the mess. I bet Hakkai would end up doing that, as always.

A louder rustling of the paper drew my attention to Sanzo again. There was a bulge in the blanket, and something under it moving back and forth… I abandoned the thought. Sanzo wouldn’t do that.

I heard him panting. Well, maybe… He clenched the papers with the other hand, and was careful not to let them drop, to block his face from my view. He couldn’t do that right now! That was unfair, absolutely unfair, that I had to suffer here while he treated himself to the luxury of playing pocket pool with himself.

He dropped the papers, and I saw his beautiful face contorted with pleasure. He shot me a brief glance, smirked, and just continued jacking off. Only to tease me, he moaned and groaned and rubbed his stiff nipple until he had to lie down because he’d overexerted himself. On his back, he kept pumping his cock until he came with a cry. He arched up and bowed his back, cum spilling over the sheets. If they had been darker you’d have seen it better from that distance, damn it.

He was screaming and crying, and didn’t stop rubbing his dick. With a final cry he gave it a last squeeze, and sank back into the pillow.

This hadn’t helped me in the least to keep myself from longing for him. Now I was craving him. I had to concentrate very hard on not standing up and fucking him into the mattress, instead I had to sit there with a stiff neck and back, and a sickness that wasn’t funny anymore.

I watched him silently cleaning himself with the sheets… how I wished to replace that white cloth with my tongue, or just be allowed to lie next to him. I was really desperate, and so hot that it became painful to sit there in that monotonous posture. And the coffee hadn’t helped either, because I felt even sicker now. I was in a rotten condition.

Maybe he had seen me twitching, because he lazily got up again and slowly came to me. His dick was limply hanging down, but there were still some beads of cum around his cock. I looked up at him. A hand so gentle and soft cupped my cheek, and I snuggled up to it. He knew that he could always appeal to my weakness. I couldn’t resist asking him a question, to make sure that it wasn’t like that.

“Sanzo…”

I stopped because he twisted my hair, forcing me to look at the floor. It was painful, but I had already gotten used to this uncomfortable pain.

“Whom did you think of…while…masturbating?”

Sanzo never hesitated.

“Of you, of course. How you’d crawl over me, your tongue sliding over my body and you pinching my nipples. What else…”

“I don’t know. I just thought…”

He let go of my hair and looked out of the window. Now I realized that I had to go to the toilet pretty urgently. Damn the coffee, such a goddamn diuretic. He seemed in a good mood now, so I risked talking again.

“Would you allow me t-”

My head hit the wall because of the force of his slap. Not to make it worse, I was immediately eager to get back into his ordered position. My head was spinning, my cheek must have been on fire, and I started to bleed from my nose again. The blood from a few minutes ago had trailed its way down to my navel and dried, and the new blood kept trailing down the dried trail.

Considering this, he wasn’t in as good a mood as I had thought. I wondered how he could be so cruel and yet caring at the same time. First he caressed my face, and the next minute he slapped me hard for ignoring his order. Maybe that made him special, that made him Sanzo-like. He combined those two things perfectly, like a god with two aspects, combining destruction and mercy. The line between love and destruction, sanity and insanity even blurred, and it was hard to tell which was which in his case. He was so fascinating.

My full bladder reminded me of the seriousness of the situation. Normally it wasn’t a problem to hold it back, but coffee made everything worse. Without looking at me for a second time, he went back to his bed and took up the paper again. I shifted uncomfortably on the cold sill. I didn’t want to imagine what would happen if I lost my concentration and pissed in my pants. And I didn’t know exactly what Sanzo would do in that case; it was hard to predict his behaviour.

An hour - this was how long I’d be able to hold it back. And I was optimistic enough to believe in this. Add to this, that my ass and cock became numb after half an hour. I didn’t want to move around because then it was harder to hold it back, and now everything had become numb because of this. Damn Sanzo. That was just to his liking. I shifted a bit anyway, and felt my cock ache. When the blood started to pulse through the veins again, I thought I’d come any second.

I wasn’t allowed to move or to speak, but this didn’t mean that I wasn’t allowed to moan. I did it half on purpose, and half because I couldn’t help but groan. That was a nice scenario, and I was so hard that it would have been possible to come… so I thought I’d have to take advantage of the situation. I concentrated on Sanzo. I closed my eyes and kept moaning.

At the same time, when I was able to send myself over the edge, I unwillingly gave up control and wet my pants. I tensed and opened my eyes in shock. But damn it, I couldn’t stop pissing until the last drop had left my cock. It was horrible and disgusting, and in my frenzy I secretly watched Sanzo. From time to time, he peered at me over the edge of the paper until finally he put them to the side to give me his full attention.

It smelled awful, and the feeling of sitting in a little lake of your own pee was the worst I have ever had. I faintly noticed him smirking; he drew so much satisfaction out of this that his cock was quite hard again.

Someone was knocking on the door. Well…someone…it was Hakkai. He always came to fetch the cups to wash the dishes. He was the last - absolutely the last one - I would have wanted to see this. But Sanzo betrayed me.

“Come in.”

I barely managed to stifle a “NO” but this wouldn’t have prevented him from coming in anyway. Hakkai frowned when he took a step into the room towards the bed. It wasn’t the fact that I was sitting on the windowsill with a contorted face, but rather something else that worried him.

“That’s an odd scent…don’t you think it smells bad here? You should really open a window…Where’s that coming from?”

Sanzo turned to face him, and casually muttered, ”Gojyo wet his pants.”

It would have been funny to watch Hakkai’s gaze change if it wasn’t that embarrassing. I felt heat creeping up my cheeks because I knew that he would look at me in an instant, and I couldn’t avert my eyes from him. Yes, indeed he searched for my eyes and stared at me with a puzzled look.

“I’ve told him to sit there until I tell him to get up again.”

“Oh…well,” Hakkai smiled in embarrassment, hurrying to get the cups and leave the room in the quickest way possible. He didn’t reprehend us for doing such stupid things; he silently accepted it because he knew that this was our business and not his.

A quick but honest ‘Sorry that I had disturbed you’ and the door shut. Sanzo burst out in laughter. I had never seen him burst out in laughter, except for that one time when we had broken the bed… but this time it was different; it was more evil. I was so out of my mind that I was just staring at him, dumbfounded, and watched him as he got up, still chuckling as he approached.

Quickly, I tilted my head so as not to be forced to look into his hypnotizing violet crystals. Every time I didn’t manage to look away in time, he caught me by looking at me. I saw a hand appearing, and looked to the other side. Sanzo had gotten hold of my chin, and pushed my head up to force me to look at his white teeth, exposed by beautiful lips.

With a force and malignancy I wouldn’t have expected from him, he shoved fingers covered with cold piss into my mouth. I twisted my head and tried to defend myself from the sudden intrusion, but kept my hands on my thighs - the gods know what would have happened if I gave up my posture. It tasted so gross that I had to gag.

“Tastes good, doesn’t it?” he said teasingly. And he pushed his whole hand into my mouth, triggering my gag reflex so much that I doubled over and tried to throw up something.

“That’s for touching my honour.”

Sanzo shoved it inside once again, up to the joint, causing me stamp the floor with my feet.

“And that’s for ignoring me. Now we‘re even.”

He pulled it out, and my stomach contracted. Tears and saliva were dripping on the floor.

“Now you can get up,” he said with a monotonous voice, and disappeared into the bathroom.

I landed on the floor, coughing and spitting to get rid of that goddamn taste. I had wished for him to punish me. That is what I had wanted. Now that I thought about it, I would have liked it to turn out a bit differently.

Every time he got serious, he ripped off another little piece of my soul, until soon there would only be scars with nothing more to be ripped off. But I was screaming for that, longing for that – to be humiliated and spit on. I knew that he loved me, and I knew it even more surely when he hurt me like that. My desperate cries were his moans of pleasure, and my pain was his bliss. I loved to make him happy.

Every kiss meant another cut with the whip. Every contact with his soft skin meant another bleeding wound. And every blissful touch on my sweet spot meant another depression.

He was my poison and my remedy; I just never happened to catch the remedy…