Honour, Duty, or Love?

Title: Honour, Duty or Love?
Author: JadeHeart
Located/Archived: If anyone would like it, please ask me first
Fandom: Saiyuki

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this, they belong to the creators of ‘Saiyuki’, nor am I making any profits

Chapter 5

“Damn it!” Kougaiji’s fist lashed out towards the wall but before it could connect with the cold hard stone it was captured in a warm palm, so although his momentum could not be completely halted it was not his hand that suffered hurt as he felt the shock of the impact run up his arm.

“Idiot!” he snapped, snatching his arm away and grasping Dokugakuji’s wrist, drawing the wounded hand closer to examine it. He gazed at the split and jagged skin, blood welling from the damage to slowly drip over the sides to the floor, the gleam of white bone under the redness.

“Don’t worry. It’s fine.” Dokugakuji said with a smile, trying to withdraw his hand from Kougaiji’s grip.

Kougaiji ignored his attempt to escape, retaining his firm grip as he continued to assess the damage. It didn’t look like anything had broken but it was going to take some time to heal fully.

“You’re not,” he stated bluntly, removing his sash and binding the hand swiftly. He heard Dokugakuji hiss, knowing it was hurting him and only becoming angrier at his friend’s pain. Dokugakuji was always getting hurt because of him. It was always his fault his friend kept suffering.

Just like Ni Jianyi had said.

Kougaiji glared up at Dokugakuji as he tied the makeshift bandage tightly to reduce the blood flow, his own anger building at the remembered confrontation he had just left moments before.

“Stop interfering!” he snapped, more harshly than he would normally before turning his back on his friend.

“Can’t help it,” The soft response came from behind as Dokugakuji continued, “Even if you ask me to, I couldn’t.”

Kougaiji looked over his shoulder, a scowl still on his face, his anger in no way abated.

Dokugakuji grinned at him sheepishly, his uninjured hand rising to scratch the back of his head a little self-consciously. “So you can rant and rave all you like but I really can’t help it. I can’t just stand back and watch you get hurt. No matter what you say I’ll always be there.”

“Then you’re a fool,”

Dokugakuji laughed, that deep warm chuckle that Kougaiji had become accustomed to hearing so often.

“Yeah, well, that’s me!” He smiled at his lord. “I’ll follow any order you give me, Kou. If you say die for you, I would, gladly. If you say kill for you, I would do so because I trust your decision. But if you tell me to leave you, that I’ll never do.”

Kougaiji turned away again so Dokugakuji wouldn’t see the raw emotion in his eyes at these words.

“I guess there’s no cure for a fool.” he finally muttered.

Dokugakuji’s loud laugh made him turn again to see his friend leaning against the open window ledge. “Nope. I guess there’s not.”

There was silence for a moment then Kougaiji walked over to stand beside Dokugakuji, gazing outside.

“So what got you all bent out of shape?” Dokugakuji asked finally, seeking the answer to his Lord’s obvious irritation.

Kougaiji didn’t say anything in response, maintaining a stony silence.

“Gyokumen?” Dokugakuji hazarded a guess. It wasn’t too hard to figure out really. She was probably the only one to be able to rile Kougaiji so much, she and Ni Jianyi, her pet.

He heard Kougaiji give a sigh, before he answered, “Yeah.”

“So what does that witch want you to do now?”

Kougaiji glanced over at him, his face expressionless. “Find a renegade.”

Dokugakuji’s eyebrows rose in surprise. “Huh? You mean one of us? She doesn’t want you going after Sanzo and the others?”

“That’s right.”

Dokugakuji chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, frowning. “That’s weird,” he finally said. “Since when has she sent you off to do cleanup duty? That’s usually allocated to one of her loyal crews. So why you?”

“I don’t know.” Kougaiji admitted. “She didn’t give me much to work on. He’s supposed to be fairly powerful, able to animate the dead plus some illusionary abilities.”

Dokugakuji shrugged. “That doesn’t sound like a real big deal. There are others that could handle that.” He eyed Kougaiji. “If she’s sending you there’s got to be a catch.”

“There is. She wants him alive.”

“Eh?” Dokugakuji was completely stunned into silence. “Wow! That’s not like her at all.”

“No, it’s not, which means he must have something that the she wants very much.”

“And you don’t know what it is, or you would make certain she didn’t get it, right?”

“Exactly.”

“Hmm, so that’s what got you all pissed off.”

“Yeah.”

Dokugakuji looked hard at him as something his voice alerted him that there was more. “That’s not all, is it? Come on, Kou, spill it.”

Kougaiji didn’t look at him and the silence stretched so long that Dokugakuji was just about to question his Lord again suddenly he spoke.

“How’s Yaone been?” Kougaiji asked instead of answering Dokugakuji’s question.

“Yaone?” Dokugakuji blinked a couple of times, thrown by the abrupt change of subject. “Ah, fine I guess. Why do you ask?”

“You don’t think she’s been acting a little…different?”

“From what?”

“From usual. Since that time.”

“What time?” Dokugakuji was feeling more and more confused. He couldn’t figure out where Kougaiji was going with this. What did this have to do with his mission?

“From when she and that Hakkai….” Kougaiji’s voice trailed off.

Ah, Dokugakuji thought, so that was it. He hid his smile. He had always found Kougaiji and Cho Hakkai quite similar in many ways. They both had this intensity, a feeling of depth to them that was far beyond what you saw on the surface. He was sure Yaone thought the same. So did Kougaiji think that something went on between Yaone and Hakkai that night? Was Kougaiji jealous? Dokugakuji mulled the thought over for a moment. Yaone and Hakkai. He didn’t know how he felt about it either. Perhaps Kougaiji wasn’t the only one that was jealous.

He blocked those thoughts and returned to the current conversation, looking to allay his Lord’s concerns. “Well, she seems okay. I mean, she’s not acting worried about anything.”

“No, she’s not..”

“In fact,” Dokugakuji couldn’t help but tease his lord a little now, ignoring his own uncertainties. “She’s been looking pretty happy lately.”

He saw Kougaiji’s hand clench into a fist at his side. Looks like he touched a chord there.

“Yeah, she has.” was the curt response.

The silence stretched on as Dokugakuji continued to watch his friend and Lord. Finally he heard Kougaiji give a soft sigh before turning to sit on the ledge beside him.

“So what are you goanna do?” Dokugakuji asked.

Kougaiji eyed him. “About what?”

“Gyokumen.”

“I’ll go.”

“But you don’t want to.”

“I don’t have any choice.” Kougaiji stood. “She holds all the cards. She always has.”

“I’ll come with you.” Dokugakuji said standing also, ready to follow.

“No,” Kougaiji said, pulling Dokugakuji up short. “Not this time.”

“Why not?” Dokugakuji’s chin stuck out belligerently.

“Because I don’t know what I’m going in to.”

“So what else is new?” Dokugakuji shrugged.

“I mean it,” Kougaiji said fiercely, placing a hand flat on Dokugakuji’s chest.

Although Kougaiji stood shorter than he, he could feel the strength behind that touch, a strength that exceeded his own by far.

“I intend to scout the place first. I have no intention of just going in there blind despite what that witch might wish for. So I don’t need you there.”

“Kou,” Dokugakuji began but shut up as he saw the challenge in Kougaiji’s eyes. He heaved a deep sigh, letting it out in a loud whoosh, his brow creasing in a frown. “Okay. But you’d better stay out of trouble, you hear?”

He saw the corner of Kougaiji’s mouth twitch as though a smile was beginning but it disappeared quickly as he removed his hand.

“So what do you want me to do in the mean time?” Dokugakuji asked a little sullenly, still not happy about being left behind whilst his Master went off.

“Stay here and keep an eye on things for me. I don’t know if Gyokumen or Ni Jianyi is looking to make a move on either Yaone or Lirin. I want you to look after them.”

Dokugakuji looked no happier from being given this task so Kougaiji continued. “I won’t be here. I need you to do this for me.” He had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach about all of this. Although neither Gyokumen nor Ni Jianyi had openly threatened any of them, there had been an undercurrent in their voices when they had mentioned his friends’ and sister’s names that made him very uneasy. He needed to know that they would be kept safe whilst he was gone. There was nothing else he could do.

“Only if you promise me you’ll be careful and do nothing stupid. Case the place out and then if you need more muscle come and get me. That’s what I’m here for.” Dokugakuji stated firmly, trying to bargain with him.

“I’ll do as I please! Don’t think you can order me around!” Kougaiji snapped angrily, his worry over everything getting the better of him.

Dokugakuji glared down at him. “Don’t think you can just go off and get yourself killed! I’m supposed to watch your back. That’s my job!”

Kougaiji’s fist lashed out and struck him across the face, knocking him to his knees. He looked up to see him glaring down at him fiercely, both hands clenched in fists, anger radiating from him like a blood-red aura.

“Remember your place!” Kougaiji growled, eyes narrowed.

Dokugakuji slowly returned to his feet, not bothering to wipe the trickle of blood coming from his split lip as he stood before his Lord with bowed head. “As you command.” he answered in a completely monotone voice, not even looking at the man before him.

The silence stretched on then he saw two gloved hands reach out and grip his shirt front.

“You don’t know how damn hard it is for me!” Kougaiji hissed.

Dokugakuji raised his eyes to look down at his Lord. The anger was still there but there was always something else in those red eyes.

“You and the others, you’re a liability to me. You are my weakness, my only weakness that that bitch and her perverted scientist can use to manipulate and twist me to doing what they want.”

Dokugakuji felt the material begin to tear within that fierce grip as it tightened further.

“Every time we go somewhere I worry about you all. I worry if you are going to be hurt, I worry about if you are going to die. You are all so damn stupid as to always be trying to protect me. Me! When I’m the strongest out of all of you! Why the hell do you think that I need protecting?!”

“Because you are our Lord. It is what we swore.” Dokugakuji answered.

“Then unswear it!” Kougaiji shouted. “Get a life and stop trying to throw it away for me!”

“To do that, you are asking me to cut out my heart.” Dokugakuji replied evenly.

They maintained eye contact for a moment longer and for a split second Dokugakuji thought he would be struck again for his insolence. Instead, Kougaiji dropped his head so his forehead rested on Dokugakuji’s broad chest.

He caught his breath at the sudden contact, feeling the warmth of Kougaiji’s brow on his bare skin, could feel the silkiness of his hair brush against his flesh sending miniscule electrical jolts through every nerve ending. He suppressed the shiver that wanted to course through his body with difficulty although his fingers tightened reflexively on the shoulders they had come up to grip.

“Why do you stay?” the muffled question rose to him.

“Where else would I go?” Dokugakuji answered honestly.

“You have a family, a brother. You should be with him. Family’s important.”

“I am with family, the only family that means anything to me.”

“If you stay with me you will probably end up dead.”

Dokugakuji shrugged. “Maybe. But I don’t die that easily as you know, and I don’t plan on doing so any time in the near future. I can look after myself.”

He tried to awkwardly stroke the shoulders he held. “I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you.”

He felt Kougaiji’s sigh in the way his shoulders lifted under his hands. “Forget it. It’s not your problem, it’s mine. If I had been smarter I would never have taken you and Yaone into my service. I didn’t do either of you any favours by doing so.”

“You saved us both.” Dokugakuji reminded him. “That’s means a hell of a lot to us.”

“Saved you, just to make you a target in Gyokumen’s manipulative games. Hardly a good deal.”

“That’s not your doing”

“You think not?” Kougaiji continued. “All this time I’ve been fighting to try and save my mother, the queen of demons. If she returns I would rule by her side as a demon prince but it’s a title I don’t deserve. A demon prince has to be able to maintain a calm, clear perspective in all matters, and that sometimes means making the hard decisions and even making sacrifices for the greater good. That is how one rules.

Now, I can’t do that any more. I find it difficult to keep that clear perspective when it comes to not just Yaone but also you. I’ve become weak because of that attachment and yet,” Kougaiji paused for a moment. “I can’t help it. It is how I feel and I know deep in my heart that I wouldn’t want to give it up. Not even if it meant throwing away the chance to rule at the side of my mother.”

Dokugakuji didn’t know what to say. He knew how deeply Kougaiji loved his mother. Everything he had been fighting for had been to bring his mother back, to save her. To hear him say that he was prepared to give up something like this for someone like him was incredible.

Kougaiji continued in that soft even voice. “I should have been so much stronger to achieve this goal. I should have been ruthless, uncaring, brushed everything aside to gain what I wanted, regardless of what harm I did. That is what Gyokumen and Ni Jianyi do, that is how they have achieved the power they have and how they hold that power even now. That is the way a demon prince should be.”

Kougaiji paused for a moment and Dokugakuji wondered if he was going to continue when he spoke again. “But when I have done that, when I have tried to be like that, it has been you who has stopped me. You who have called me back from the precipice that I would be standing on, between being a true ruler and a tyrant. You are my rock, the steadying presence at my side, which can be a weapon if I throw it, or a place to sit and rest when I am weary. You are my conscious, and even though I may curse you at times, without you I would be no better than Gyokumen and all of you would suffer for it. I cannot lose that. I cannot leave my conscious for it is like asking me to stop breathing.”

Dokugakuji felt the blood pounding through his veins like a thundering roar, his body on fire and his thoughts reeling. Never had Kougaiji spoken like this to him, never had they seemed to touch upon such raw emotions and he didn’t know whether he should be glad or terrified of what it meant. But whatever the reason for this sudden baring of souls, whatever the reason for this confession it made his heart sing and brought a lump to his throat and a tear to his eye.

“You,” He tried to keep his voice steady but the slight waver in it betrayed him. “You know I’m here for you.” he managed to say. “I’ll always be by your side, no matter what happens. My only place in this world is by your side.”

Kougaiji remained silent, staying where he was, not moving, his head rising and falling with every breath Dokugakuji took.

Dokugakuji held himself very still, feeling Kougaiji’s warm breath gust over his skin, warming his flesh and creating other delightful if disturbing sensations in other portions of his anatomy. He meant it though. It didn’t matter about his past life or what happened in the future. The only thing that was important was this man who he had sworn his oath to and nothing would ever break that.

Suddenly he heard Kougaiji draw in a deep breath. His hand clutched in Dokugakuji’s shirt, tightening slightly more, material bunching up and tugging against his shoulders, knuckles brushing onto his chest.

“You really are a fool.” he said quietly, pushing away abruptly and turning his back on Dokugakuji.

Dokugakuji tried to calm his still fast beating heart as he replied. “Depends on your view,” he said.

“Humph!” was Kougaiji’s only response which made him smile.

“So you are going now?” Dokugakuji asked, taking a step back and giving his Lord some further space.

“Yeah.”

“Right then, I’ll keep an eye on things here. You just watch yourself, remember.”

“Yeah.” Kougaiji agreed reluctantly.

Dokugakuji smiled at this. “Then it’s a deal.”

Kougaiji began to walk away. “Don’t forget,” he called back to Dokugakuji , without looking.

“Don’t you,” Dokugakuji warned.

This did make Kougaiji glance over his shoulder although he didn’t stop walking. Even though he said nothing Dokugakuji gave a sharp nod of his head in acknowledgement to the silent agreement between them.

He remained where he stood, watching that straight back, long flaming red hair swinging down the length, cutting across the customary white clothing like a splash of blood. Each step was firm, no hesitation in it, always moving forward with purpose. That was Kougaiji all over. Nothing would stop him when he made up his mind. Any decision he made, be they right or wrong, he accepted it was by his own choice and went on, seeing it through to the end.

He continued to watch his Lord until the figure turned a corner and was lost to view.

No, Dokugakuji would never leave this man. There was nothing in any realm, be it heaven or earth that would induce him to do so