Insensitive

"Breaking
the Habit" is the property of the awesome Linkin Park.

******

It
was going to be one of those nights.

Memories
consume,

Like
opening the wound.

Kudou
just lay there, as he had the night before, and the day before that.
He was going to be fine, Omi had said. Repeatedly.

Kudou
was awake during the day, he had heard. Now, though, drugged stupid
because it was a hospital and that was what hospitals did...

I'm
picking me apart again.

Soon
he would come home. And be there, all the time. There would be no
escaping him.

You
all assume,

I'm
safe here in my room,

Unless
I try to start again.

If
escape was what he wanted, why was he here?

I
don't want to be the one,

The
battles always choose.

The
chair was too confining, he slid down the wall and put his head on
his knees.

'Cause
inside I realize,

That
I'm the one confused.

He
didn’t care. He’d told Kudou that, over and over.

I
don't know what's worth fighting for.

It
was just sex. And it was over. He’d fucked it up, Kudou had—

Or
why I have to scream.

If
it was just sex, why did that matter?

I
don't know why I instigate,

And
say what I don't mean.

It
didn’t. Didn’t matter. It was just sex. He’d
only changed the plan because Kritiker was wrong. The orders had
been to kill only because they thought he couldn’t get Balinese
out alone, and that was why he had changed the plan. To preserve the
team. That was all. Weiss was whole.

I
don't know how I got this way,

I
know it's not alright.

On
the bed, Kudou breathed.

So
I'm breaking the habit.

I'm
breaking the habit.

Tonight.

Nothing
had changed.

His
inner voice laughed at him.

Clutching
my cure,

I
tightly lock the door.

I
try to catch my breath again.

Nothing
had changed. Ignore him, stay away from him—

“Stop
kissing him in his sleep...” the voice sneered.

Right.
Never touch him. Don’t touch him, don’t look, don’t
listen to his laugh...

I
hurt much more,

Than
anytime before.

I
had no options left again.

Stop
coming to stare at him, even safely asleep. He lives. Let that be
enough. It should be enough. It was all he could expect.

I
don’t want to be the one,

The
battles always choose.

“Coward.”

'Cause
inside I realize,

That
I'm the one confused.

It
was best for Kudou, too.

“Coward,”
the voice said again.

I
don't know what's worth fighting for.

“Come
at night, kiss him when he’s drugged—why don’t you
just fuck him too?”

Or
why I have to scream.

No.
That was just sick.

“You’re
just sick.”

No.

I
don't know why I instigate,

“Omi
knows where you are. He thinks you’re sorry.”

And
say what I don't mean.

“He
thinks when Yohji comes home, everything will be all right again.”

I
don't know how I got this way.

He’d
never meant—

I'll
never be alright.

“You’re
so fucked up.”

So,
I'm breaking the habit.

I'm
breaking the habit.

Tonight.

Couldn't
breathe. Had to get out, he couldn’t breathe—he pushed
himself up the wall, staggered out the door. Straightened where
people could see.

“Liar.”

Somehow
he got home, got his katana and went up to the exercise room.

“Clumsy!
Focus. You call yourself a swordsman?”

Gave
up and went to his room.

I'll
paint it on the walls.

“Isn’t
this lovely. Empty. Meaningless. It expresses you so well.”

'Cause
I'm the one at fault.

“You
wanted it, you got it. Nothing here but a murder.”

I'll
never fight again.

And
this is how it ends.

He
lifted his katana, admired how the light slid down the blade. The
voice laughed.

I
don't know what's worth fighting for.

“Coward.
Go ahead. Take the easy way. Leave her, leave him, to what fate
brings.”

Or
why I have to scream.

He
dropped the sword, left it where it fell.

“Is
that any way to treat your weapon?”

But
now I have some clarity,

to
show you what I mean.

Shut
up. Shut up, make it shut up...

I
don't know how I got this way.

I'll
never be alright.

“Oh
yes, run away some more.” The voice laughed again. “How
will you run away from yourself?”

So,
I'm breaking the habit.

He
pulled out his cell phone.

“Do
you know what time it is? She—“

Ringing,
ringing, answer—

I'm
breaking the habit.

“Nii-san?
Are you there?”

“hang
up, it’s the middle of the night, let her sleep—“

“Nii-san?”

“hang
up—“

“Nii-san,
answer me. Now.”

“Hai.”

“Are
you hurt?”

“Hurts...”

“Do
you need a doctor?”

“no.”

“Can
you talk?”

“no.”

“Okay.
I love you, Ran-niisan. It’s all right. I’m here.”
Shifting noises as she turned, she slept on her stomach but she
wouldn’t be able to talk like that, “I had a good day
today, nii-san, I...”

I’m
breaking the habit.

Tonight.