Little Angels and Devils

A/N: Hey everyone, sorry it takes so long for these chapters, but things happen. Anywho! Today we do Pip, this is loosely based off a wierd dream I had it along with my own random wackiness. If you notice the onshots sort of tie together sometimes but not quite, I don't know how but I am not going to do anything about it so there. I appeciate all the reviews and nice comments I have been getting so I hope to do as many as I possibly can.

Disclaimer: I don't own Trinity Blood, Hellsing, the song: "House of the Rising Sun" or anything here of commerical value that is not endorsed by me.

Warning: Extreme adult language, some sexual violence, and all around destructive scenes.

It had been a few weeks, and alot of media mayham since the ghouls destroyed the bed and breakfast that Pip took Seras too. He was quite angry with her about eating his dessert but somehow (probably realizing that he would never find another hot attractive vampire babe that didn't want to just suck his blood) found it in his heart to forgive her. But yet she seemed to be avoiding him, as if she was worried that he was still mad at her.

All this over a piece of dessert? Thought the author, weird, but hey, its my fic so whatever!

Anyway, as he walked around thinking of ways to make Seras happy at him again, he found himself outside watching the Hellsing's butler Walter hose down Integra's car. It was a sleek, shiney, beautiful white car. The kind he wished he could own and drive around happily. As Pip ventured nearer to get a better look at it, Walter stopped the water from the hose and turned around in a almost protective glare, yet giving the mercanery a gentle warning in his tone.

"I know what you are thinking Pip," he said rolling up the hose,"but that is what every soldier has thought upon setting eyes on her vechicle, its not meant to be driven except for her or myself, and that is the rule. I trust you will abide by it."

"Uh, yeah, sure." he nodded.

Suddenly, the shrill voice of Sir Integra called Walter inside and Pip was left alone in front of the car.

He admired it as if he was admire a hot naked woman; every sleek, smooth curve and big round tires of the car made him excited-okay maybe not in that way-but it left him as excited as man could get standing face-to-face with a awesome car (A/N: Since I am not a big expert of what men find desirable in a certain vechicle I will just leave it up to your imaginations and pretend its like one of those classic "kick ass" cars) He started to daydream being in that car, with Seras in the passenger seat with a slutty black tank top and short skirt that showed off her incredible legs. Ah, to only talk to her again and make her know how much he cared and that he was sorry for being angry with her.

To make her be around him again-

"PIP!"

He turned around half thinking in terror that Integra caught him staring at her car but it turned out to be Seras dragging a paler than pale vampire with dark hair towards him. He was leaning against her, falling to his knees twice before they reached him. It was Alucard. And he looked as sick as a dog.

"Something is wrong with Master!" Screamed Seras,"Walter and Integra just left for a meeting in the helicoptor and all of a sudden Master started to throw up his blood! I think one of the kittens that bit him had rabies or distemper!"

"Don't be silly," he retorted groggily,"I am a vampire. I do not subcome to the mere human conditions of being bitten by a sick animal...how do you think I surivived the Black Plague all these-BLARG!"

He finished his sentence with a upchucking of blood the color of his hair.

Black.

"Oh my god!" panicked Seras, her large breasts heaving with worry,"that can't be good-Oh Pip what do I do?"

-and that was when he had a idea.

Pip opened the backseat door and gestured with his hand to enter inside,"Do not fret, madammosille, I shall take your vampire sire to the hospital where Dr. Tervalian works and everything will be alright."

"TO HELL WITH THAT!" screamed Alucard,"I am not going in the car with you Frenchman! I would no sooner accept a ride with Iscariot to the middle of nowhere than drive with yo-BLARG!"

"Now is your chance," spoke a devlish looking chibi Pip on his right shoulder,"show the vampire his place that taking him in his master's car and then your pretty Seras will be swooning all over you like the stud you are-"

"No!" said the angelic chibi version of Pip,"do the right thing, just put Alucard in his coffin and call Dr. Tervalian, you know the rules no one but Integra and Walter drives her car."

"-but a emergency will be a exception," badded the other one,"and besides, look at poor Alucard-he is suffering..."

More black tarry-like blood came out of Alucard's mouth. It would have been a pitiful sight to see if not for the fact that it was running down his chin and onto his coat. Seras averted her eyes by looking up pleadingly at Pip. Oh yes, she was in the palm of her hands now. What better way to impress a beautiful vampire maiden than to help out her vampire sire in his hour of need. Whether he liked it or not. No sooner than Alucard said his peace that he passed out on the cobble walkway insighting Seras to scream like a whiny girl.

"Once you get Alucard to the hospital," continued the bad shoulder angel,"Seras will be impressed and Alucard will finally give you the respect you derserve."

"Alucard is a vampire of pride," said the good angel,"you know very well he won't accept help from any other human other than his master and from you might I add-"

"-which is why its better to do it when he nearly concious," finished the bad angel taking Pip's braid and swinging it at the good angel knocking him off the other shoulder,"now, you know what to do Pip old pal."

Heroically, or trying to act heroically that is, he dragged Alucard's lifeless (er, motionless) body across the back seat of the car like he was stuffing a pile of clothes into a hamper. Then he turned to Seras and held the door open for her. She jumped in hugging her master protectively.

"Oh thank you Pip," she sighed,"you don't know how much this means to me-I am so sorry for eating your dessert at-"

The rest of the conversation was cut off when he slammed the door shut and plopped himself down at the driver's seat. Behind him he could hear Alucard moaning as he shifted himself in a sitting position leaning against the back of the passenger side chair. He wanted to intimidate Pip into not driving his own master's car but his paleness and nausea didn't seem to want to cooperate with his standard emotional intentions.

"What do you think you are doing Pip," he growled,"not only do I want to ride with you but not ride with you in Master's car-uggg-" he put his hand over his stomach "-get me out of the car now, I can phone Dr. Tervalian to come over here there is no need for this. You don't even know where the hospital is where he works."

Meanwhile, the good Pip angel landed after his fall off of his host's shoulder found himself on the driveway behind the car just as it was starting up. He leaped up on to the fender and grabbed a hold of it just as it was driving out of the gate.

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It wasn't as if Pip wasn't a bad driver, he was just used to stealing the enemie's convoys and riding around in jeeps. Not pristine cars that had to be civil on the road. On thier way into London, he was swurving back and forth over the broken yellow lines trying to get his seatbelt on which he forgot to do before starting the car. Alucard dug his nails into the cushions of the seat as Seras was converting into the frantic yet misunderstood belief of the "backseat driver" religion.

"OH MY GOD! PIP LOOK OUT! HANDS ON TEN AND TWO!"

"OH SHIT! YOU ARE TOO OVER! THAT IS TOO FAR TOO FAR!"

"PIP WATCH THE ROAD!"

"Relax, Ma Cherie, everything is fine," he said smugly,"I know what I am doing..."

"Where have I heard that before," whimpered Alucard,"oh yeah-" he shouted at the top of his lungs "those are the-FINAL WORDS OF EVERY ARMY COMMANDER THAT HAS BEEN KILLED IN BATTLE!"

He couldn't help himself,"So that means you said it too Big Red-HAHAHAHHAHA-HEY! NO HITTING THE DRIVER! NO HITTING THE DRIVER!"

Alucard pissed off that he was being insulted like that started smacking Pip at the back of his head. Seras grabbed her master by his wrists and tried to seperate him from Pip. If there had been nothing to seperate them Pip would have been ripped, mutilated, and impaled upside down on the nearest telephone pole. While Alucard was letting his agression out and Pip was trying to defend himself; with Seras unsuccessfully keeping the peace they didn't see a mother doe and her two adorable fawns skipping out on the middle of the road right in front of them.

The devil Pip was relaxing on the passenger seat ignoring the chaos next to him, he was about to take a nap when he heard the sound of someone tapping on the window near him, he looked over and saw angel Pip with suction cups clinging to the window demanding to be taken in before he got knocked off of the flying bugs. He pointed down to the electric window button that lowered and raised it. Even though he understood what Angel Pip was saying he just pretended that he didn't because he was devil Pip.

"Come you moron," screamed Angel Pip on the outside of the car,"I know you can hear me! Open the damn window!"

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Inside...

Seras looked up and saw that they were getting closer to the doe and fawns. One thing you should know is that deer have bad depth perception and can't see things coming towards them. That is why they end up as ground meat on the interstate. Seras didn't want to see that happen to those sweet little tiny fawns. With her vampiric strength she shoved Alucard to the side and screamed "Deer!" "Deer!" "Deer!"

"Calling me 'dear' deary?" teased the oversexed Frenchman not even seeing them on the road.

"Holy crap!" screamed Alucard pointing his long arm over Pip's shoulder and pointing at the fawns,"don't hit the babies!"

"Huh, 'babies'?" Pip looked to see what the vampire was talking about

The little fawns squeaked in fear and pulled out thier big, soft, adorably adorable chibi eyes that said to his mind softly: "Pwrease don't kwill us...we just little...we too young to go to deer heaven!"

Everyone in the car, with the exception of bad shoulder angel Pip screamed like they had never screamed before and held on tight as Pip made a sharp turn to avoid hitting the fawns and plowed into the ditch driving all the way through it. Devil Pip was laughing as Angel Pip was being hit by wave after wave of stray wheat, nettles, milkweed, and other assortment of plants that can be found in your rural ditches. Yet thankfully, he was still attached to the glass of the car by his heavy-duty suction cups. They drove out of the ditch and cut off a few angry motorist out on a busy highway. Angel Pip was sighing in relief that the worst was over and attempted to get Devil Pip's attention once again.

"DEVIL PIP! THERE IS A BUTTON ON THE DOOR BELOW ME! PRESS IT DOWN TO MAKE THE WINDOW GO DOWN!" He commanded.

"What?" shouted Devil Pip mockingly pretending to just hear him now,"what button, you mean-this button-?

He turned on the radio to some heavy rock music.

"DEVIL PIP! YOU FUCKING OPEN THIS DOOR THIS INSTANT! OR I WILL RIP OUT YOUR SCROTUM AND FEED IT TO THE RAVENS AND THEN YOU WON'T HAVE ANY WHORES TO WHACK OFF TO YOU PIECE OF LAME SHIT-!"

"Sorry can't hear you buddy," taunted Devil Pip turning up the volume,"I think the car is soundproof!"

"I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME YOU BAG OF RANCID HORSE DUNG!"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk," sighed Devil Pip to himself shaking his head,"and I thought you were suppose to be a angel."

Pip was still not doing a good job driving the car, in fact, he pretty much sucked at it wholeheartedly. Alucard was doubling over from the nausea and fear of driving with Pip the daredevil while Seras was curled up in the fetal position saying to herself: "Go to my happy place..." over and over again. In front of them on the road was a large semi-truck with only a inch of space between himself and the blacktop. It was a slow-moving truck and Pip thought of passing it.

"First let me check and see if its clear to pass him," he told them, he pulled to the left of the passing lane where another car was hurling straight towards them closing in about sixty inches or so, "nope, not yet." he concluded over the scared cries of Seras and Alucard.

He pulled back into his lane behind the truck scraping the side of the car against the passing vechicle driving opposite from him. Sparks from the metal squeezing together erupted from Seras's side of the window and she freaked out pulling her hair in a loud scream. Angel Pip was in tears feeling the suctions would not hold very long and shouted up again,"Devil Pip, for the love of all that is pure and holy-Please, please, please open the window!"

"Sorry," Devil Pip said again snickering,"but I can't hear you over this song...!"

He turns the volume up louder drowining out Angel Pip's cries over the song "House of the Rising Sun".

"Hey, I love this song!" Said Pip,"don't you guys?"

However, Alucard and Seras weren't interested in listening to old seventies rock at the moment, they were too busy freaking out. In front of them the truck made a wide-turn and they managed to drive underneath the truck's cargo in a tight squeeze that ripped off the hood of the car. Pip was singing along hardly paying any mind that he nearly got beheaded and so would his passengers. Angel Pip flew into the hole created from the removal of the roof and landed behind Devil Pip with a disheveled pissed-off look.

"Ahem..."

"Oh, hi Angel Pip, you look a fright-ACK!"

Devil Pip's words were cut off by a choking strangle sound as Angel Pip throttled him like crazy...

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"Pip, that is enough," screamed Alucard,"I really think we should just turn back and call Dr. Tervalian-" he threw up some more black blood "-besides, all this jossling is really making me even more sick than previously before-Pip-Pip are you paying attention to me dammit-what are you doing?!"

"Oh sorry," Pip said staring at something in front of him,"I was just wondering how a tornado got onto the middle of the road..."

"TORNADO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The two vampires screamed in unison.

Pip drove straight into the tornado, their hair flying everywhere whipping at thier faces. Alucard wrapped his arm around his fledgling and dug his nails into the cushions holding on for dear life as Pip just kept driving like nothing was bothering him. He was just singing along hardly paying attention to anything even when his braids fell over his eyes and he couldn't see a thing. Which didn't make that much a difference at the moment to his driving skills. His psychotic driving skills to say the least. Debris were falling everywhere around them. One, a rather sharp metal pole from a metal gate somewhere came landing down right in front of Alucard, impaling the seat rather than him. Fortunely, it didn't hit him directly, but just landed one inch to his crotch in between his legs.

"Oh thank god 'Alucard Junior' is safe." he sighed in relief.

Seras just stared at him with a "what the fuck-?" look on her face.

The next thing the two vampires realized was that they were being jossled around the car left and right as Pip began surving across a long bridge over the interstate highway. The car doors slammed into the cement railings of the bridge skinning the metal off the back doors.

"Hey, it got dark all of a sudden!" Pip said stupidly.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

Pip made a wrong turn-A VERY VERY WRONG TURN-and drove them off a overpass bridge straight into the middle of a four-way intersection nose first and turned over upside down in a wave of smoke and mirrors. When the smoke cleared, Alucard had black vomit all over him with his hands clasped together saying the Lord's Prayer while Seras was writing out her secret last will and testament. Pip pulled his braides out away from his eyes and looked around.

"Well the hell did that bridge come from!" he shouted,"someone aught to do something about that!"

He looked over his shoulder at the two vampires,"Hey, you guys are shaking...you two okay?"

Alucard/Seras: XP (about to black out)

The two other Pips emerged from the wrecked car.

"That was fun!" screamed Angel Pip,"lets do it again! Lets do it again! Pleeeeeeeeaaassssssssseeeeeeee!?"

Devil Pip just looked at him like he was on crack.

Inside the upside down car Pip tried to undo his seatbelt thinking well, things can't get any worse, he thought checking to make sure he didn't have any broken bones or bruises.

Alucard vomitted up more black blood behind him into his hair.

Pip sweatdrops in a anime way,"Okay, at least nothing further can get any worse."

Alucard did what could be describe as a cross between cackling and vomitting as he dragged his lifeless (and I use the term loosely) corpse out through the broken window and leaned up against the side of the car. He wiped the blackened blood from his mouth with his sleeve then wiped the contents onto his pants.

Pip, meanwhile pulled himself out of the car and dragged Seras out as well, he then picked up Seras in his arms.

"Its okay baby," he said in a manly tone,"I got ya-EW!!!!"

Pip's heroic moment was cut short when Alucard nearby wiped some more of the blood vomit off his mouth and wiped it on Pip's military pants. Seras didn't notice, she was too busy trying to overcome her dizziness and wrapped her arms around his neck to try and keep from slipping in his grip. This was it. He was going to finally live happily ever after with her and have a litter of vampiric mercenary babies playing and learning to fight outside the lawn of a fancy two-story French countryhouse surrounded by white picket fencing. And he would watch them on the porch while cleaning his gun. Then Seras would come out in a sexy yellow sun-dress that would accenuate her lovely round bosoms as she bent forwards to pour him a glass of lemonade-

WHAM!

-Back in reality a ambulance parked right up behind Pip and slammed the front of the truck into his backside.

"AAAAAAAAH MY ASS!" He screamed dropping Seras in shock.

The ambulance backed up in reverse and rounded to the damaged vechicle where Alucard was sitting up against it covered in his own black blood vomit and breaking out in a cold sweat purfusely. Out of the back of the ambulance emerged three sexy woman in sexy nurses outfits. They were all around the same height and build as super models. One had dark curly hair; the second one had long straight brown hair and the third had yellow hair pulled back in a ponytail. Dressed in low cut nurse dressses that came down to thier lower thighs barely, the three woman closed in around him with the glare of the white lights from the sky surrounding them from the back like a heavengly image of angels. Well, at least heaveningly looking to a certain red-clad vampire that was disorientated from his ailment and being tossed around in a crazy car.

"You are beautiful!" He smiled warmly like a aweing four year old.

The three nurses smirked at each other and pulled him up to his feet and lured him into the back of the ambulance.

"Don't worry," said the brunette nurse gently,"everything is going to be all right..."

Seras got to her feet and watched the three nurses put Alucard into the ambulance. Well, at least they would get him to hospital. Hopefully the same one where Dr. Tervalian worked at, she thought. Oh well, now she could go to her Pip and tell her what was on her mind right now. She walked solemnly over to him as he rubbed his sore ass painfully on his knees, judging by how hard he was hit it would probably leave a bruise for about a month. He felt a shadow on him and he looked up to see Seras staring down at him.

"Look, uh," he stammered,"I know you are upset at me and I-"

"Pip!" She snapped shutting him up.

"Yes..." he whimpered.

She knelt down and wrapped her arms around him,"That was the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my whole life! The way you drove recklessly without breaking a sweat, you are the most bravest man I have ever known! And hang around a insane bloodthirsty vampire every day! I bet if Master was here he would be proud!"

"S-S-Seras...?"

"I LOVE YOU PIP!" She declared

He beamed happily and was given the most breathtaking kiss he had ever recieved in all his years as a ladies' man/French Mercenry. He kissed her in return and it was long, hot, passionate, intertwining and almost would get them in trouble for PDA if it wasn't for the fact that a certain long-haired blond woman in a green suit came up behind them with her arms crossed angerly. She had just gotten back to Hellsing a hour ago when one of the staff members told her what happened to her car. Well, lets just say, the poor staff member lost his hearing being within ear shot of the Leader's strong vocal outburst. And the anger didn't stop there-she had to take a taxi just to get to the site of the accident which was drawing a record number of onlookers, police men, fire department, and other ambulances.

Plus a few lawyers for kicks.

"AHEM!" She cleared her throat forcibly.

Seras and Pip broke off thier kiss and scrambled to thier feet saluting her.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL HAPPENED TO MY CAR!?" She screamed,"I WILL SEE YOU BOTH BURN IN THE BOWLS OF HELLS YOU FUCKING ROTTING BASTARDS!"

She grabbed them by the sides of thier heads and slammed them into each other with a resounding crack. They fell down to the ground in a daze hearing the sharp sound of her shoes walking past them yelling out for Alucard. But the ambulance containing her vampire/bitch had already left.

"Where is he?" she screamed turning to Seras and Pip, she took another step and a wave of digust washed over her face,"ugh, I step in something again!"

She walked a few more steps leaving behind a smushed Devil and Angel Pip.

"We really should stop walking on the ground like that." suggested the flatten Devil Pip.

"..."

A/N: And what happened next...WEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL-

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Alucard was laying on the stretcher a little weak from today's frantic activities. He was definitely never going to ride with Pip ever again. And he grinned happily at the thought of not being around when Integra would show up and take all her anger and frustration out on him. Even though he didn't do anything, she always treated him like a punching bag. Maybe he should turn her in for all those years of domestic abuse she gave him. Maybe...yeah but who would believe him. A vampire. Getting abused by a woman.

Well, at least I am ten miles away from that crazy-ass bitch, I bet she is really pissed off that her car was wrecked. Anything is better than being over there right now...

And to express that happiness he oggled the three hot nurses as they circled around him.

"Eeeeeeeeee!" He squealed happily.

He could feel his stomach starting to settle already

Suddenly they hissed at him and ripped his clothes off.

"WHAT THE HELL!?"

The beautiful nurses laughed evily and thier warm porcelin skin turned into a creepy light blue as thier eyes each glowed a amber red bearing thier large fangs from underneath thier red full pouty lips. They strapped him down by his arms and legs and proceeded to fondle him roughly.

"Oh my god!" he screamed,"oh my god! oh my god! oh my god! KRUSNIKESESSSSSSS!"

They leaped up on him and sank thier fangs into every vital/sexual/erotic part of his body.

"MASTER HELP!" He whined.

The three (1)krusinek vampire nurses laughed evily and continued to gang-rape him while draining his blood from his lushious body.

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Pip and Seras came to in time to see Integra venting her gun at every traffic light and car she saw. Seras took Pip to saftey underneath the wrecked Hellsing car.

"Wanna have sex?" Pip asked awaiting the envitable blow to his face by her hand.

He cringed...

"Yes!" She screamed,"sex me! And do it in the ass!"

"ALLLLLLL RIGHT!" He wooted thrusting his fists into the air

His fists hit the car floor, which was above thier heads (the car is still upside down-the police are too scared to go where Integra is to turn it right side up) and was glomped by a half-naked Seras. So they had hours of hot ass-sex while Integra was screaming and shooting things, and Alucard was being raped in the ambulance on the way to hospital. Walter decided to stay home because well...I had no idea what he could do. And after all given how pissed off his boss was, even he knew better, than to accompany her to the sight of her car being wrecked that was evidently leading her into a pissy mood. Armed with her gun. He was loyal but not stupid.

And Pip's shoulder angels?

They video-taped Pip and Seras doing it and put it up on the internet. Mwhahahahahaha!

TBC

Okay, that was random for random's sake. But at least Pip got some hot sex right? And so did Alucard (yay! he is such a beautiful man-whore) the next one up will be Walter unless anyone else has a Hellsing character that you want me to use than by all means don't be afraid to ask.

1...For Trinity Blood fans here, I apoligize if I mispelled it. And for those that have never seen the anime "Krusineks" (again sorry) are described as "vampires that eat other vampires" I just thought it would be funny if Alucard ran into a few of them. And also another excuse to see him naked (wink wink)

I hope you all enjoyed the chapter and please send in your comments and reviews via the following buttons down below. See ya!