Tear You Apart

Chapter Title : Relax

Disclaimer: Death Note isn't mine. If it were... this is pretty much what would have happened, actually.

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Kira/L

Comments: Since everyone's been requesting it, L's thoughts! A lot of this chapter really surprised me while writing it. Also, I'm so sorry! This chapter is short, and I'm trying to get another one done but I keep heavily debating on the ending for that chapter and I've had a bad cold and morning shifts, so noooo time. I always write the best late at night or when I'm alone in the early afternoon before a nightshift, but with morning shifts I feel mentally exhausted all day, unable to do anything while at home but maybe make food and drool online before sleeping...

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It was three in the morning, but L had yet to notice the chill.

Curled in an armchair beside the bed, he watched Kira sleep. Moonlight filtering through the blinds cast a gentle light on the murderer as Kira rested with one hand on the pillow beside his face. Lately, L had become used to the younger man passing his nights restlessly, brow furrowing as he would occasionally murmur too quietly for L to hear. Two nights ago, L had pressed his ear almost to Kira's lips and had caught his name. He had nearly fallen on Kira in his surprise, but had remained in place, catching enough from the bits and pieces to understand that Kira was arguing with himself and that the argument centered around L.

This interesting information had been stored away to think on often, and L hadn't mentioned to Kira that the other man spoke in his sleep when under pressure.

Kira's undisturbed slumber now worried L more than anything that had occurred since Rem had attempted to kill him.

Shifting slightly, L pressed his lips to his newly re-bandaged thumb. His eyes were drawn briefly to the dark shape of the door, where a flickering light from the space beneath and distant sounds indicated Ryuk entertaining himself with the television while Kira slept.

Another shinigami... Though he had finally recovered from his shock, the detective hadn't quite been able to pull himself from the depression that had ensued following the arrival of Ryuk. Even now his thoughts felt sluggish and stunned, with only three lines of thought active rather than the seven or more he could normally focus on at a time. He had known that Kira had a ninety-percent chance of refusing to abandon his memories, but had hoped against logic that during their time together he could coerce the well-intentioned killer to revert to Light again. It would have been somewhat difficult to explain to Light their need for secrecy and constant moving, but he felt that Light would have been able to handle the experience.

Kira's own attitude had begun to make L think that the possibility was slightly higher than ten percent after all. Unable to sleep and bored, Kira had come to pass the time with L when they weren't in flight doing the mental exercises the Wammy House had raised L with in place of normal games. The detective had even begun to present cases he had solved in the past under various aliases to Kira in the form of logic puzzles, describing scenes, suspects and information upon Kira's requests and watching in fascination as Kira worked through them one by one. Though it offered too much information about himself, L was even toying with the idea of mentioning the Los Angeles BB Murder Cases...

Sighing inaudibly, L dragged his distant gaze back to Kira, his sharp mind that never rested analyzing and memorizing the effects of the indirect glow of the moon on Kira's features.

These effects were no different on Kira than they had been on Light. Somehow, this seemed incongruous to L... It felt wrong that Light and Kira should look identical when they slept when almost everything else had changed. Kira was still controlled as Light had been, but where Light had purity and a strong sense of morality, Kira's mind was twisted into believing that his path of murder and fear was somehow justified... righteous.

Still, it couldn't be denied that Kira had Light's charm and skills at manipulating others to do his will. His temper remained as well, and L was looking forward to the time when they would fight as he and Light had always done. Without the chain and with Kira's more volatile personality, he suspected that their fight wouldn't end only due to exhaustion. Testing the perfectionistic young man's real abilities at combat was also enticing. Then again...

...Maybe fighting should be avoided... L mused regretfully. I suspect that Kira-kun or myself would need medical attention afterward. His large eyes blinked. On second thought, purchasing a medical kit would be preferable.

Giving in to an impulse, L stretched himself from the armchair to crawl carefully to the covers, using his arm to keep himself lifted above Kira. How many differences were there, really? In the end, Light and Kira were the same person, inhabiting one body and sharing a mind. Kira showed the dark extremes that Light's idealism had been turned to when the boy had been exposed to more power than a mortal should wield. Like many other intelligent, ambitious minds given the tools to change the world in their image, Light had taken his good intentions and paved a road to hell for thousands. That the majority of those killed by Kira had been the scum of the world did not justify his actions.

Light's own innocence and purity becoming this was the most tragic thing about the Kira case; if he had never been given the Death Note, the chances were high that Light would have become perhaps the greatest policeman the world had seen, a match to L but with a strong sense of justice and a detestation for allowing corruption to thrive. He would have enjoyed working with Light in that situation. A small, wistful part of L that he had analyzed and dismissed as useless regretted that this future would never come to be.

Instead, L was... here. Sitting in the dark with only his thoughts for company because the murderer was irritated by his typing and the shinigami was worthless for conversation.

His eyes traced Light's features musingly. Simple hormonal reactions couldn't explain his choices; though it was true that Light Yagami was a singularly attractive young man and the only real intelligence to match L's own, he felt that these facts were only a few facets of his decision to leave with Kira.

He hadn't abandoned everything of his former life; when he wasn't occupied speaking with Kira, L had been using the identities of several minor detectives he also played to assist police forces around the world in simple cases. These were ultimately unsatisfying, however, and he had been weighing the risks for days of resuming his work under another of his major aliases. Danuve and Erald Coil had become compromised, but L had taken on the identity of many detectives across the world at different points in his career.

The only thing stopping him would be Watari; as his liaison with the public, the older man knew everything about L. If he noticed activity from one of L's names, he might alert Near and Mello... or, on reflection, Near, as the likelihood of Mello working willingly with Near was only slightly above one percent.

L relaxed as he thought, one arm resting on his knee now as he studied his roommate. He had been going over the situation for the last week, examining it from every angle. No matter how illogical it was to remain with Kira, he couldn't bring himself to leave. The younger man's company was still something he desired, even if they often pushed each other to their limits.

At least, it always had been... Now, the Death Note was in the equation once more, and L found himself reconsidering. Hiding with an ex-murderer who might agree to revert to his innocent self was one thing; remaining there when that murderer regained his weapon and returned to his rampant killings was another. Especially as he would still be working to protect them both... Watari's last words kept returning to him. Was Kira really worth it? Was it just the memory of Light and wishful thinking that caused him to stay? Or was he really risking everything and remaining against his better judgment on the chance that whatever attraction Kira might feel would eventually be enough to change him?

L didn't actually believe in reformation. Jails were a place to keep criminals from society, not for rehabilitation. Likewise, if Kira were to begin acting as if he had changed due to L, L would attribute it to Kira's known skills at acting and manipulation being used to coerce L into remaining by his side if Kira came to the decision that L would be a decent ally in his imagined kingdom. He strongly suspected that to Kira as he was now, no one else could be considered an equal. L continuing to disagree with Kira irritated the prideful young man, but L knew without doubt that if he were to agree with Kira he would be instantly removed from any position of respect and considered an underling. 'Potential rival', 'uneasy ally'... both of these descriptions suited L much better than 'tool'.

Even now, assisting Kira had lowered the other man's estimation of L. If Kira's sense of superiority were even slightly less, L suspected that Kira would have resorted already to using L's emotions in an attempt to bring him more firmly to Kira's side. For the time being, Kira most likely assumed that if L had already risked so much to help Kira and remain with him, L was being foolish or besotted and would continue to assist him.

L wasn't certain how long it would take to earn the respect of someone like Kira. In the end, it might even come down to destroying Kira's pride. If the other man's sense of worth could be truly shattered... it might be possible to affect him.

Kira's smooth brow furrowed slightly. Without opening his eyes, he sighed. "...You're watching me again..." he murmured.

Hiding his surprise in spite of the fact that Kira wasn't looking, L tilted his head slightly. "...Kira-kun is very perceptive for a sleeping person."

"Obviously because I'm not sleeping anymore," Kira retorted dryly. His brown eyes slid open, and he took in L's position thoughtfully. "...I get the Death Note back, and now you're not afraid of me?" he commented on L's relaxed pose.

"It wasn't fear of you that made me sit like this before," L pointed out.

"Yes, it was," Kira argued matter-of-factly, giving a slight yawn and managing to sound both barely conscious and smug. "You were terrified that Kira would kill you."

"...In the last week," clarified the detective, carefully neutral.

"Mm..." Kira agreed. His eyes began to close again. The heartbeats between his words and L's measured responses appeared to be long enough for his body to insist on a return to unconsciousness. "Fear of Near...?" he managed, attempting to stay in the conversation.

"...Fear of my thoughts." L's words were softer now, though his black eyes were fixed as intently as ever on the murderer.

Half-asleep already, Kira settled himself more snugly into the mattress as he considered this. His second hand drifted up to join the first at his pillow. It bumped against L's arm, and without Kira appearing to notice his fingers curled lightly around L's wrist, thumb absently brushing over the detective's pulse. The air caught in L's throat, his focus turning to Kira's hand. The thought that breathing would alert Kira to his actions was illogical, and so L took a cautious breath. Kira's hand remained, tightening slightly as the genius gave another yawn.

"Then..." Kira trailed off almost as the word started, chest rising and falling evenly again. His head turned toward his pillow once more and his fingers slackened on L's wrist.

L wondered if the younger man had taken the sentence with him into sleep, and if it would become part of another dream or work its way into a list.

It occurred to him that perhaps destroying Kira wasn't necessary... as weak as Kira might assume L to be, it appeared that he had found a backdoor into the younger man's defenses. Through his months with L as Light, Kira had become accustomed to L's presence, though they had never gotten to a point of casual touching. Even now, it seemed there could be times when Light's influence was stronger than Kira's.

Gently pulling his wrist free, L sat back again. Somehow, Kira never ceased to surprise him.

-----

Relax, Take It Easy is by Mika. I listen to this song before almost every time I write, and most times before going to sleep. And, mm, on the way to work... sometimes coming back from work... I like Mika because he dances like I do when I'm alone.

Sorry again about this chapter's length! I was supposed to be working on a buffer after finishing this, but all of my free time went to being pwned by life... I've been trying to think of something I could write to be silly or strange or a one-shot to take my mind off of Complicated Plot Issues, but keep failing. My creativity level is zero until I recover... Oh, and the thing Kira was about to say before sleeping was probably along the lines of, "Then what were you thinking?" but he failed. Maybe I could write his dream that time as an extra...

!!!BONUS!!! I felt too guilty to post this with nothing in the end, so I stayed up past midnight and the thing is sketchy, but here you go! It's a picture of L. It has no relation at all to this story... In fact I have no idea what inspired it... (It's on my devArt account too, but I didn't want to make people go there to see it, so I put it up on neutral territory!)

http://www.alo-draga.com/duomi/CakeIsBetter.jpg

Comment Responses:

WM: *embarrassed* She's cool! Pimping is fun! I have no regrets. But! Hmm, Light getting the notebook had to be a bit easy, I think-- it was already his, Ryuk just needed incentive to find him. The fact that I got four chapters in before the Death Note came back made me feel like I was pushing things too far... Hmm, but next chapter, he has some difficulties with actually being able to use said easily-gotten notebook of death. And yesss he does need to stop. Probably won't though.

Lady Gaia: Wonderful idea! It hadn't occurred to me to have Light retaliate live yet-- more to just bait and tease Near privately, which I plan to keep as well... That concept fueled a few more ideas, too. Your enthusiasm for Kira and L winning is great! It madee me grin.

Lila: Thank you thank you! (Ninja skills? Yay!) I'd have wanted to hurt Near too, yup. Lemon is not quite yet, and Ryuk is actually my favorite shinigami too I think... He's very interesting. Sorry again this one's so short!

Sabaku_lotus: I'm glad you enjoy it! I'm trying to keep the AU entertaining. *laughs* I'm 80% sure you're the first one commenting to say 'mm mm' to Kira/L and not, 'please no'.

Specimennumber1: Hello then, mysterious no-longer-lurker! Thanks for reviewing. Yeaah I noticed about a half-year into fixating on Death Note that I had taken to sitting curled on my chair with my thumb near my mouth, and that it was affecting my back... So not good. They will indeed make with the sex-- possibly next chapter... though after that it may be a while due to an injury on L's part. Unless I change the injury a little... I won't know until it types itself really.

Hellagoddess: Yaaay I'm glad it pleased you, then. I was a bit concerned... *grins* L finds a slightly different method for the time being, though I don't fully know what will happen in the long-run... actually I don't know at all what will happen... gah. It'll work out. And yup, Raito definitely has that effect on people, doesn't he? The evil-bastard smirk usually makes me think, "Somebody needs to be tied down and taught some manners..." Umm... but that might be for another fic, hmm? Thanks for the support!

Gloria B.: I was giggling my ass off for most of your review. Seriously, you're awesome. *still laughing* And then I reloaded the reply list-- and you had added another comment! I fell onto my desk laughing. Your replies are like wonderfully long emails. I'm sorry you were feeling crappy too! And very happy the chapter helped. I meant to hate Near and Mello too, but... Mello grew on me almost instantly. Near took longer, but his thing with the toys and his kitten-fluffy hair made all of my "he can't replace L!" animosity sort of melt into a puddle. It frustrated me. I loved your analysis of Near! I've replayed it in my mind a few times (I do this with things...) thinking at it from different angles and it's insightful and interesting. He really does have more of a feel of "I really don't care what anyone thinks" than just social awkwardness. He doesn't have an interest in visiting with others, so he simply doesn't. Thinking about what happens next is a mild headache for me, but it's fun too-- like a puzzle where I'm getting random pieces and trying to think what it'll look like when done. (White with a little L?) The bit about 'putting [Ryuk's] weird ass on a leash and taking him home' nearly killed me-- I put it in a quote file. *Just remembered to watch the L:CtW trailers* That... single-handedly made me love Lenny Kravitz and get that song... damn. I'll probably cry when I hear it though! L... I want to see that soooo badly. Also-- almost finished with Another Note, just a few pages left. B is more crazy than even I gave him credit for!!! (Who actually thinks lighting themselves on fire is a good way to win?!) ...I have to admit I love him for that... But! I'm trying to keep this reply under a whole page. I've thought about the Matt analysis too-- it's true, he is like a lot of my friends, and relatable... interesting. (As an aside, my email's shinipengin (at) gmail.com -- so we can babble more easily... *laughs* I hate trying to condense.)

oztan: L's still biding his time a bit now, trying to decide which way he wants to move when he does.

shadowform: I'm glad it impresses you rather than disappoints you! And yup-- the drama gives me great joy when planning things and writing. Planning how they'll keep moving and trip-ups that can happen due to that is what I'm working on currently. Soichirou will definitely return, especially with an event that occurs... at some vague point in the next... 2 to 4 chapters... Umm, really, the events all around it are planned, just.. the order (and details) is totally up in the air right now. The reaaallly sad thing about your review is that... I read your part saying it's obvious they'll all have to meet again for the climax, and my mind went, "Oh! Wow, that really would be a good idea!" *sheepish laughter* I think that's far enough away my brain chalked it off in the fuzzy distance with a "they'll probably almost be caught and escape, but how boring is that for a climax?" note, because I'm still thinking of ending scenarios. Everybody meeting together-- that's got a lot of potential, it rejuvenated my brain cells and clarified a few vague paths I'd had... Honestly that really should have been obvious, but I think I'm concentrating on everyone's separate plots so much I forgot about the point when they intersect for good and not with just tiny bumps in the dark. Thank you for pointing out the fact that I need to think of an ending...!!!

Mewmew2: I'm working on it! And you're very welcome, thanks for replying and reading.

Nusku: Hehe, I'm tempted to draw a picture of him dressed as a shinigami though. And you're correct, he's much prettier than a shinigami...