There and Back Again

October 20, 2003

He sat in the visiting room, idly wondering who else on earth would be visiting and picking at the set of hospital scrubs everyone was made to wear. He hated them. They were stiff and ill-fitting and made him feel lazy. Beyond very rarely received visits, he’d only had two, and both had been Alta and his, well . . . his son. It felt strange to think he was a father. He didn’t really consider himself to be one. He knew that as far as Ever was concerned, he might as well not exist. Yet, when he had seen him, the child had smiled. Smiled and said “Da”. That had been three days ago and while it had been nice, Beyond didn’t want to think about it too much. He didn’t want to get to the point where he missed them, or wondered, if things had been different, would they have been happy. He didn’t want to think about what it felt like to have the child clutching at his neck, not wanting to leave him.

“Da, I stay. I stay.”

Yes, Beyond didn’t want to think about that. Instead, he waited for who ever else had decided to bother him today.
He heard the sound of the door opening and closing and then a shuffling across the floor. He paused from his task and glanced up, eyes widening in horror at who stood before him.

“I have nothing to say to you,” he said, knocking his chair to the floor and backing away. “Just turn around and leave me be.”

The man simply continued to the other chair, crouched in the seat, and stared at Beyond.

“Are you deaf?” Beyond shouted. “I told you to leave. I didn’t ask you to make yourself at home.”

“I am not deaf,” he said.

Beyond had never heard him speak before. Hell, he’d never even seen him before. He’d always thought Alta had lied about what he looked like. But, there could be no mistake. There, in that chair, was him. His face. Well, his old face. His old face on someone else. He wanted to scream, to cry, to run, to kick the living shit out of L. Instead, he merely stood there by the wall, hoping L would leave.

“You may have nothing to say, but I have much that I need to discuss with you,” L said calmly.

“I can’t imagine what. I lost, I’m locked up, I’m disfigured. What the hell else do we possibly have to talk about?”

L looked at him silently for a moment before uttering one word, “Ever.”


“Oh.”

Beyond sighed. He should have known. He knew Alta and Ever were still residing at Wammy House; of course it would be an issue with L. Can’t have the spawn of the criminally insane residing with the gifted pure-minded children of tomorrow, can we? Beyond picked up his chair and crouched in it as well, staring pointedly at his hands. He refused to look L in the eyes; he refused to look at his face.

“As I’m sure you are aware, Miss Alta has opted to stay at Wammy’s to live and teach.”

“Yes,” Beyond mumbled.

“My reason for this visit, which I’m sure you are curious about, is simply this . . . I’m here to assure you that your son will be taken care of. It is out of the ordinary for any child to be living at the school with a parent, but Watari has made an exception. I believe he is quite fond of Miss Alta and the child.”

“You . . . you’re letting him stay?”

“Yes.”

“Even knowing that he’s . . . that he’s mine?”

“He isn’t yours, not really. For him to be yours, you would have to be there. That is something you will never be.”

“No, I won’t, will I?” Beyond finally looked into the face of his enemy. “But, you will.”

“Yes, I will.”

“You understand then?”

“I believe we both do.”

“She’s not going to be happy about this.”

“She doesn’t have to know, if you don’t wish it.”

Beyond nodded slowly and watched L rise from his chair and leave the room. The guard came shortly after to take him back to his cell. He curled upon the bed and let silent tears fall. Alta would be angry if she ever found out, but he didn’t really care. What he cared about was knowing Ever would eventually forget him. Ever would only know of L, and Beyond Birthday would no longer exist for him. As far as everyone involved was concerned, Ever belonged very much to L.

********

November 23, 2004

L was quite enjoying the scene before him. Light struggling to disentangle himself from a toddler while getting an occasional chocolate cereal puff flicked at the back of his head, courtesy of Mello. L thought he really ought to help, but he figured now was as good a time as any to get Light used to Mello and his antics. After many failed attempts, Light had managed to pry Ever off of his neck and strapped him into a high chair. He then managed to deflect several cereal pieces away from his face and smack them back at Mello.

“Mel, you know if you keep throwing those, you won’t have any left to eat,” said a red-headed teen.

The blond terror opened his mouth to make a clever retort. He quickly closed his mouth, flashed the other boy a dirty look and resumed eating. Light sat down next to the stripe and goggle clad teen, thankful that there seemed to be at least one normal person here.

“I’m Matt,” he said, not looking up from his handheld game. “The quiet one is Near, and you already know Mello and Ever. And of course, L.”

“I’m Light,” Light said, watching the one called Near with interest. Near was slowly twirling his hair, occasionally pausing to eat and placing cheerios on the tray of Ever’s highchair. First one O, then two, then three, then five. After he placed a small pile of eight cereal bits in front of Ever, Light realized he was giving the toddler breakfast in a Fibonacci sequence. He looked at L leaning in the doorway. This is where he lived? Surrounded by quirky, possibly insane kids? Light stood up and began searching for coffee, he knew he needed it. He took two steps toward the counter when he felt a sharp pinch on his hand.

“OW!” Light looked down at a mischievously smiling Ever.

“He wants you near him. He’s a very demanding little boy,” Light heard a female voice say behind him.

“Uk if ooo,” Mello exclaimed through a mouthful.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, Mello. Now, swallow and say it again,” she said.

Mello swallowed his chocolaty cereal.

“I said, ‘Fuck, it’s you’. Got a problem with that?”

“Mello, what have I said about swearing around little ears?”

“You’d cut my tongue out if I did it again,” Mello droned.

“Yes, so I’ll see you later.” Mello’s eyes became saucers as the young woman turned her attention once more to the new comer in the room. “And who might you be?”

Light began to speak but was interrupted by L.

“He is a friend. He’ll also be assisting me in the future.”

“I didn’t ask you, L,” Alta said. “And what do you mean, ‘he’ll be assisting you’? I thought that was already being done by these three. Surely you shouldn’t require more help.”

“L?” Mello asked. “You aren’t . . . getting rid of me, I mean, us . . .are you?”

L looked at Mello, worry etched across the teen’s face.

“No, Mello, I am not.” He turned to Alta. “I don’t appreciate that you are already attempting to cause trouble. Isn’t it a bit early?”

“It’s never too early to cause trouble for you L.”

To say that Light was confused would be an understatement. He’d never seen anyone talk to L that way. But, there L was, almost enjoying the complete lack of respect that girl had. Who the hell did she think she was? Didn’t she know who she was talking to? Oh wait, she did, and suddenly Light had another question.

“L, why do they get to call you ‘L’ but I have to call you ‘Ryuzaki’?” Light asked.

Mello’s eyes widened in recognition. He knew that name. He also knew who else knew that name. L simply muttered a curse softly under his breath.

“Ryuzaki?” the girl whispered. She glanced at L. “You didn’t.”

“Alta, you need to remain calm.”

“CALM! Remain calm? His name L? You took his name?”

“I’ve been using it for some time now actually.”

The loud cracking sound that came next seemed to reverberate throughout the room and four occupants flinched involuntarily. L didn’t react to the slap, but he could feel the heat and the sting from Alta’s hand.

“Why are you here! Why aren’t you dead! You’re supposed to be dead! Why didn’t Kira kill you!?”

The air surrounding them suddenly became even more tense and silent. Light felt himself beginning to tremble slightly. He hadn’t been expecting to hear that. He hadn’t been expecting someone to wish L dead . . . killed by Kira.

“Kira,” Light whispered, his whole body tense.

Matt glanced at him, noticing the older teen had begun to shake. He looked to Mello to see if he had noticed, but Mello was still staring at L. Near noticed though. Suddenly, this Light boy was very interesting to Near. Matt felt his stomach flip flop at the sudden spark in Near’s eyes. That spark was never good. It spelled trouble of the worst kind, more horrible than Mello in a bad mood with no chocolate.

“Excuse me,” Light said leaving the table and walking calmly from the room. He didn’t notice the small child reaching for him expectantly or the disappointed look on Ever’s face when he was ignored.

“Was that really necessary Alta? You’ve upset my friend.”

“I don’t care who I upset! Do you want me to apologize for making your little boy toy sad? Tough. It’s not going to happen.”

“You should apologize for calling him a boy toy. You should apologize for mentioning Kira as well.”

“And why is that, L?”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, Light is of Asian descent, specifically Japanese. Don’t you think the idea of Kira would be very upsetting?”

“I’m sure it would be, but other people being upset over Kira doesn’t actually matter to me. It’s obvious Kira couldn’t accomplish anything. You’re still here.”

L turned to leave the room and glanced over his shoulder to see something unexpected. His three heirs suddenly hitting the deck, cowering under the table and Ever wrapping a chubby hand around what appeared to be a butter knife. Ever then flung the knife with all his might, clapping his hands when the knife stuck tight into the wall. One by one, a red, a blond and white head popped slowly up and the boys once more sat in their seats.

“Well . . . that was . . . odd,” L said. He looked to the boys. “How long has he been doing that?”

“A month,” Mello said.

“Actually,” Near said, “It has been twenty-seven days.”

Mello threw his spoon at Near, wildly missing his mark.

“I hate you.”

“I know,” Near said. “I don’t care.”

L looked at Alta next.

“Why aren’t you doing something about this? Why aren’t you tending to your child?”

“He doesn’t want me to. He prefers the company of others. Like father like son I suppose.” And with that, she turned and left the room.

L sighed. Maybe bringing Light here hadn’t been the best idea he’d ever had.

“Matt . . .”

“Don’t worry about it L,” Matt said. “I’ve got the little squirt covered. I’ve got lots of time today. No classes. So, go do what you got to do.”

“I shouldn’t require your assistance for very long.”

L crouched down lower to speak to the knife throwing child.

“I must ask you to not do that again. I will be back for you. Can you remain with Matt for a short amount of time?”

Ever appeared to be contemplating the situation. He placed a thumb in his mouth and thoughtfully sucked upon it twice before solemnly nodding.

“Good. I shall see you soon.” L patted his head and began the long trek to his room. He wasn’t sure if that was where Light would be, but it made sense. It was the only other place he had been to. L sighed once more. It was going to be a long, long day if this morning was any indication.
**

L found him exactly where he thought he would be, curled up on his side on the bed staring out the window. He closed the door softly behind him and moved slowly toward Light.

“Go away L. Just, leave me alone for a while.”

“I don’t think that would be a very good idea.”

“I don’t really care what you think right now. I know I want to be alone.”

L sat down on the bed, his back facing Light. He knew there would be problems with the transition. Light had left everything he’d ever known, which was difficult enough. Now, with Alta, L was sure Light would be reminded of Kira everyday. He wouldn’t be able to move on and try to put his life back together. He would have no escape from what he had done, who he had been. L had known this all along, he just thought there would have been more time. Seeing Alta the first day, first thing in the morning, had not been the plan. L had been confident they could have avoided seeing that spiteful young woman for at least a week.

“I won’t leave you to cry alone, Light.”

“I’m not crying. I don’t cry.”

“Is that a fact?”

“Yes.”

L turned around and placed his hand on Light’s cheek. Light flinched and pulled away.

“Very interesting,” L said as he inspected the teardrops clinging to his fingers. “If you never cry, I would be very interested in finding out what exactly is leaking from your eyes.”

Light rolled over to look at L. Tragic, L thought, just tragic what this boy has done to himself.

“L, please, just go.”

“No. We need to discuss this. You can’t go running off by yourself every time you hear ‘Kira’.”

Light flinched at the name.

“See?” L said. “You can’t do that. It has to become just another word to you. Kira, Kira, Kira. It has to appear to mean nothing.”

“I can’t help it, L. I wasn’t . . . prepared. I wasn’t prepared to hear some strange woman say that she’d wanted you dead. She wished I had killed you!”

“She wished that Kira had killed me.”

“Don’t you dare say that that’s not me or that it’s something I would never do. We both know that’s not true. We both know I almost did kill you. We both know what I did.”

“Yes, we do,” L said, stroking Light’s hair. “We are also two of the three people in this house that know. No one else does. No one you will meet here knows you were Kira. No one else has to.”

“That doesn’t make a difference.”

“Doesn’t it?”

“No. It doesn’t matter who knows I’m Kira . . .”

“Was.”

“Fine, was Kira. It doesn’t change the fact that I was. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m evil.”

L sighed. It seems Light wanted to have this conversation again. L was so tired of this conversation.

“Light, this is the last time I’m going to say this. You are not evil. You possessed an evil object. The Shinigami that gave you that notebook held you under the threat of death for his entertainment. You were, and still are, a bored and self-righteous teenager. That does not make you evil.”

Light sat up and stared at L.

“L, I killed people! I even killed innocent people. I killed them because they stood in my way! I tried to make myself a god! How in the world does that make me not evil! I should be punished! I should be dead!”

“Have you killed anyone since you told me about the death note?”

“No.”

“Do you plan on killing anyone?”

“No!”

“And who’s to say that you’re not being punished?”

“How? How am I being punished L?”

“You’re no longer allowed home. You’ll never see your family again. Right now, you’re stuck here, an orphanage in Winchester, surrounded by an inordinately large number of obnoxious, overly intelligent children. And, while we will be here for a while and return often, I highly doubt you will ever feel this is your home. On top of that, you have to assist me with my cases and do pretty much whatever I tell you, whenever I tell you. You have no say in the matter. You’re stuck with me until one of us dies. That sounds like a punishment to me.”

Light sat still for a moment, thinking, it appeared to L. He then reached over slightly and held L’s hand loosely in his own before letting go once more, turning away again to lay down and continue gazing out the window.

“Being with you would never be a punishment, L. Remember? I watched the tape. You know you’re why I gave it up. It wasn’t because I felt guilty about what I’d done. It was because I’d had a plan to kill you and decided I’d rather be with you than have you dead.”

L sighed again and lay down next to Light. He’d been sighing entirely too much lately.

“I’d rather we talked about something else entirely. This subject has been exhausted and is exhausting.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Who are the people I met? Specifically, those three boys.”

“Those are my potential successors.”

“Successors?”

“Yes. When I am dead or incapable of fulfilling my duties, one, possibly two, will inherit the title of L.”

“Well, I’d go with the one that wears goggles and plays video games.”

“Oh, really? Why is that?”

“He seems the most stable.”

“You’d be correct in that assumption,” L chuckled. “Matt is the most stable. He isn’t though, the most intelligent.”

“Which one of those weirdoes is?”

“That would be Near, although Mello is very close behind.”

“You’re kidding.”

L decided, since him and Light both knew he wasn’t kidding, that a reply was not needed.

“Oh my god, you’re not kidding.” Light couldn’t believe it. Once L was a crotchety old man, (he couldn’t even consider L not being L any other way), one of those strange teenagers would be the new L. Mello, an obviously unstable cannon, or Near, a silent kid, (possible mute), who counts out cheerios in a Fibonacci sequence. Light didn’t want to think about it, so he changed the subject.

“What’s the story on the girl? And what’s the story on Ever, for that matter? Why doesn’t he talk?”

“The girl is Alta and she is Ever’s mother. She used to be a successor as well, but circumstances changed and she decided she wanted no part of it. She’s very bitter, about many things, and is mourning. Her grief, as you saw, manifests as anger.”

“Who is she morning?”

“Ever’s father. He died in January.”

“And that’s when Ever stopped talking?”

“Yes.”

“How did he die?”

“He was killed.”

“Killed? Was the killer ever caught?”

“Yes, he was.”

“Who was it?”

L sat up. Too soon, he thought. This is too soon. Especially after all that had happened this morning. He knew though, that Light would find out eventually anyway. He had to learn to deal with what he’d done, even if he couldn’t remember. It would do the boy no good to find out that L had known all along and never told him. Light would feel lied to, possibly even betrayed on some level. That would not do, so L got out of the bed and went to his desk. Light turned around and sat up, watching L produce a key from his pocket to unlock a drawer and pull out a file. L held it for a moment and then turned back and returned to the bed. He knelt upon the bed and held the file toward Light.

“L?” Light asked taking the thick file, a puzzled look on his face. L said nothing.

“L?” he asked again. “What is this? Why won’t you answer me?” Please, he thought, please don’t say me.

“You did, Light. You did.”
********

A/N: Well, here it is, the next chapter. I TOLD you there'd be long bits of time in between updates. Although, this break wasn't due to any laziness on my part. It's because I moved and now share a computer with two room mates. On top of finally finding a job and the regular stress of moving...well it took a bit of finagling to find the time to write anything. I hope it was worth the wait. If anyone seems severely OOC, let me know.

Amo