Broken English

Duo composed himself and figured once he got past the first step he would be alright. Three times he typed in Heero’s number. Three times he couldn’t go through with it. In a moment of strength he typed it in again and winced when he hit send. The first ring he trembled, the second ring his stomach churned, the third he pulled the phone back to disconnect and heard “OhgodbabewherehaveyoubeenareyouokcanIcallyouback?”

Relief drenched Duo knowing Heero still cared, and hearing his voice. “Yea, yea, um…call back, please.”

“Will you really pick up?”

“Yes, I will. I – I need to talk to you.”

Heero fumbled to disconnect and then took a few breaths to settle his own anxiousness. Hands quivering he hit call back

“Duo?” There was ragged breathing on the other end. Finally a gasp.

“Yes. I’m here. How are you?”

“ How am I? How am I? I haven’t heard hide nor hair of you for six fucking months and you ask how I am? I was thinking you were dead or hurt or I dunno … I’ve been drinking myself unconscious, smoking my fool head off, crying every night, begging, pleading to every god there is, was or will be to know something; have some clue as to why you disappeared… how am I? That’s not important, you are! What about you? Talk to me…” Heero’s anger and worry having boiled over left him shaking and hyperventilating and he concluded his rant with a whispered, “… God, talk to me. I love you. Please let me back in.”

“I dunno where to start. It’s all very confusing. I just don’ want you ta hate meh.” The heavier accent clued Heero in on the fact that Duo must be in Ireland as he adopted a more English sound while living in Durshire. His natural tone was audible now.

“Nothing in this world could ever make me hate you, got it? Nothing. I love you. I love you unconditionally. That means No Matter What. First off are you safe?”

“Yes, I am.”

“What town are you in?”

“Rork.”

“Do you want me to come get you?”

“No that isn’t necessary.” Duo sighed exasperatedly. This wasn’t going how he wanted it to. He would have to tell it all in detail to hopefully get Heero to back off. To make him let go. Duo wanted to have one thing go right in his life. He wanted to express to Heero just how great his love was for the man. He learned that act from Heero himself and that would be letting go. If you truly loved something then do what is best, don’t be selfish even if it means giving them up. “This is gunna take a while, do you have the time?”

“I have all the time in the world for you. For you, I would make it stand still if I could. Just start at the beginning, Doll. The last e-mail I got from you was you losing your phone and the computer dying. That was the middle of October. What happened then?”

Through a shakily rambled recount Heero heard the details of Duo’s disappearance. After he had e-mailed Heero the internet had gone out in the quad yet again. The good news was that the phone had been found, all be it smashed up, so Duo was able to get a hold of what was left of it. He had the SIM card so his phone number was viable but all his stored numbers were saved to the phone and therefore not retrievable. The following weekend would be his undoing though. It started out simple enough. He and his friends got dressed up and went out to a club. While there, a guy came up to Duo and bought him a drink. All the while being a perfect gentleman. They talked and danced for over an hour. After that the guy asked Duo to come home with him, and Duo had declined, explaining he didn’t feel that way toward him and he did have a wonderful time but was not interested in pursuing it further. The gentleman then became enraged and started yelling and making a scene. Duo regressed toward his group of friends and the man, noticing the stares, stormed off out of the bar. Dismissing the eruption the gang continued partaking beverages and dancing. Hour by hour they paired off and departed to enjoy each others personal company. It was near closing time and Duo was fairly drunk sitting beside two of his companions waiting for them to give the word to go when the ‘gentleman’ reappeared. He had his docile demeanor again and sauntered up to Duo for one last proposition. This time though, Duo said yes and wandered out behind the man to follow him to his car.

Near blind drunk Duo made his way to sit down beside the unnamed person. As the car started and they drove off, he thought about what he was getting himself into. He knew he was drunk. He knew there had to be a reason he turned the guy down before. He realized that it was all a bad idea.

“I want to go home.” Duo broke the silence. The man seemed unaffected by the statement. “I said I want to go home. I don’t feel well. Just take me home, please.” He looked over to the silent driver and saw his eyes ignite in anger. “Just let me out, I’ll walk.” The man pulled to the left shoulder and as Duo reached for the leaver his wrist was clamped tight by the fuming man beside him. He struggled, kicked and slapped but he was unable to deter the man enough to escape. He felt his trousers get yanked down and became paralyzed with terror. He opened his mouth to scream but nothing came out. His wrists clasped together in one of the man’s hands, it was as if he was forced to pray. Duo felt the burning thrust force inside of him. All he could do was close his eyes, and pray he did. He prayed he would die right then, he prayed he would wake up and find himself safe in his room, he prayed that he would forget.

The rest of the event was blocked from his mind. The next thing he recalled was walking up to his flat and being unable to decide if he should sleep, shower or find Dorothy and talk to her. He sat in his indecision for the remainder of the morning into the after noon and past sun set, sitting silent on his bed idly running his finger tips over this cat and that cat as they curled beside him in comfort. At some point he fell asleep.

When he awoke it took a bit for him to realize what day it was and that the events had in fact happened. Looking at the clock he figured there was still time to make it to class so he got into the shower. It was then he noticed the bruises and scratches. He felt the pain of the rough entry and the sting of the cuts as the soap trickled down his skin. Shaking to the point he could barely stand he slowly and gently sat in the tub as he cried silently. He cried until the water turned ice cold, he cried until he could no longer feel his toes or finger tips. Duo turned off the tap and reached for his towel. He sat on the toilet and wanted to continue crying but there was nothing left. He felt – nothing.

Finally he got himself together enough to function and get food. Later he went to Dorothy’s and sat with her to explain his ordeal. Instead of the support he had expected she dismissed the entire event as being made up in his head or at the very least not what he interpreted in his drunken state. After all, it’s happened plenty of others where someone gets too intoxicated and makes a bad sexual decision. Then it dawns on you that they are way below your standard and you high tail it out of there. Duo would just have to suck it up and get over it.

Duo, not wanting to force his cause decided it was best to agree to forget the whole incident and get on with life. He went to his classes, hung out with his friends, and even went to get his nipple pierced the following weekend. He figured if he just pretended it never happened it would all go away. Then the nightmares started.

Those damn nightmares that he had been haunted with for years came back with a fresh script to play out. Heero had dispelled the demons and now Heero was no where around to exorcize them. It wasn’t just the unnamed gentleman; it was all the angry hateful men who had ever touched him. Duo feared sleep. It was sleep that opened him up to the faces of his past, the creatures that would tear into him night after night. He made the decision to never close his eyes again. It was the deprivation that next took hold of his mind and caused the dreams to appear while he was awake. He became fearful and unsure of every person on the street, even the friends he had. They were now evil as well. If Dorothy could be without understanding then they would be as well. He could not disclose anything. He feared being laughed at. It was happening all over again. No one believed him, no one sympathized. It was like the moment he stepped out of his flat half of the entire world turned to look at him a laugh. The other half had the objective to rape him. He had to get the hell out of Nottles that day. The only place he could think to run to was his mother’s. He packed a large duffel bag and gathered his cats and turtles.

Duo recounted what had happened and was relieved that his mother showed him compassion. She knew his history, had lived some of it with him, and understood how this was obviously an emotional blow to his already damaged self image. Duo felt safe and knew he would, in time, be able to piece himself together. He hoped. After a few weeks the ‘other’ mother made an appearance. She had a different way of ‘helping’ her son recover.

The bi-polar harpy nagged at Duo to go back to school or get a job. He had spent enough time wallowing in self-pity and being lazy. He once again was just mooching off of her savings. Worthless. She called him worthless. She even said he probably deserved what had happened and that it would not have happened if he didn’t drink so much and try to pursue this whole gay-thing. Duo closed himself off to still the voices. Now his mother had turned cruel and evil. It became obvious that everyone and everything was against him. The next day he awoke to her shoving his items into his duffel and dragging it out of his room. He rushed after her and was informed he needed to get dressed and leave. When Duo walked out of the door the last thing he heard before the slam was “You are nothing but trouble and have always been trouble. I would have been better off if you’d never been born.”

Hotels, hostels, park benches; over the winter months they had become his home. Further and further his world collapsed into a cold fear. He couldn’t even look anyone in the eye let alone speak to them. One evening while staying at a boarding house he took a chance. He had no matches to ignite his cigarette so he tip toed to the next door down the hall and quietly tapped. A voice behind it replied “Yea? What?”

“Do… do you have any matches?” Duo was so quiet he could barely hear himself speak.

The door opened up, “What?” Duo started to tremble.

“M-m-matches? I’ve a fag and no light.”

“Lemme look about and get ‘em ta ya” The door closed. Duo slouched and went back to his room. It felt like hours had gone by, but then there was a rap on his door moments later. Duo’s heart raced furiously and he nearly passed out getting up to answer it.

Still chained he cracked open the door and saw the neighbor holding out a book of matches. Carefully threading his fingers out he grasp them with a “thank you” and the neighbor continued to talk. The exact conversation, if you could call the one-sided banter that, was lost to Duo’s swirling intimidation. He did hear one thing at the end. “I found a place and I’m leaving to go there tomorrow. You are welcome to come along. No charge. It’s free.” He walked away and left Duo with an opportunity. Considering all he had been through, what did he have to lose?

The next morning a knock on Duo’s door alerted him. Peeking out he was informed that the neighbor was on his way and was asked if he was interested in following. Bags always packed, Duo opened the door, grabbed his duffel and allowed the stranger to lead him to his new residence.

Duo had the whole second floor of the abandoned house to himself. ‘Neighbor’ had the downstairs. No heat and sporadic electric were just a few down falls of home sweet home. The water was brown and at times there was no pressure at all. A left over sofa with no cushions was Duo’s new bed. In a way it had become his paradise. This ‘Neighbor’ was rarely around and barely spoke to him. He didn’t have to pay rent and he had enough in his savings account to purchase what he did need for food. ‘Neighbor’ provided the other necessities and never mentioned that Duo was not allowed to use them. In turn Duo would offer to share his food.

Day after day the deterioration of Duo’s mental and physical health increased. His phobia of people had him not only closed up in the sofa room but he was often too afraid to leave the house to get anything to eat. Since the electric was iffy the refrigerator was not used, and most cans needed a can opener which Duo continually forgot to purchase, corn flakes and fruit were his staple. There was no way to use the stove as it was gas. Daydreaming and creating his own world was his only task.

That’s when he got the call. The one person he needed the most. The one person who he feared would turn away. When he had heard the message left by Heero, he was compelled to call him back.



“Damn it Duo. You goof-ball! Why would I turn my back on you? You know me. I would never do that. Seriously let me come get you and we can start over, start a new life here in the states. I’ll take care of you. All you would have to do is work on getting better. I’ll help in any way possible.” Heero was blown away by the tale. He was devastated. Why and how could anyone hurt his Duo like that? Not just one… but every one? Even his mother?

“No. Don’t.” Duo sobbed.

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t come here. I don’t want you to see me like this. I can’t see you. If you came I would… I would run away from you.” Duo was frantic.

“I would never hurt you. Why would you run away?” Heero felt as if he was speaking to a six year old child. Duos cognizance had diminished so greatly.

In a passionate burst the young man announced “All I ever do is hurt you. I’m so greedy, I just take and take. You give me so much love and I don’t deserve it. I’m nothing but a burden to you. PLEASE JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.”

Heero responded with a calm that belied his feelings, “You are not a burden to me. You are joy. You are the most precious thing in my world. You are my ray of light in this darkness. I love you.”

“Don’t say that, please.” Duo gasped and whispered, “Please why won’t you just leave me alone.”

“Because you called me. You need me – and I need you as much if not more then that. If Kat hadn’t begged me to call you I never would have. I had given up on you. I had to. It was driving me crazy with worry and loneliness. Then I had to be honest with myself. I was never going to give up on you. It’s like everything I touch, everything I see, every breath I take is all you. I could say goodbye a million times and make everyone else believe it, but inside of me is a piece of you so … I … I can’t let go. I’ll never let go of you. If you really didn’t want me in your life why did you call?”

Wails of pain pierced through the phone while Duo remembered the conviction of his Love. Nothing would break Heero. That was what drew them together, that is what Duo relied on. Inhaling enough to answer was Duo’s admission. “I…I am… addicted to you.”

Slowly wrapping up the conversation Heero turned the focus around so that Duo could live outside of the moment he had been reliving in a loop for the past six months. There was laughter at times even. Heero filled in the gaps of his own life and by the time the conversation was over Duo felt like he had a chance. It was almost Deja Vous like.

Heero reminded Duo to get a can opener and try to find out what street he was on. “You feel any better?”

“Yes, much, much better. I fear that it is only going to last a brief while though. It was like a reprieve from this hell.”

“Don’t worry. You got me and we will get through this. We always make it through. I have faith in you. I believe in you and I love you… unconditionally.”

To that Duo chuckled. “I know, I know. I love you too.”

“Curl up and imagine me holding you safe. Nothing can harm you now that I found you again. I won’t let it.”

“I will. Good night, ‘Ro”

“Sweet dreams, Doll.”



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He wanted to answer the calls. He just couldn’t. Duo knew that Heero would never let go. He also knew that the life he wanted with Heero would never happen. It wasn’t in his fate. Heero would often say that we go through things in life that are so tragic to make us stronger. This way we could be prepared for what lies around the next bend. It dawned on Duo why this all happened. Heero was right. He was strong and he would have to be stronger then ever to do what he needed to. Let go of his addiction.

If anyone were to look at the gaunt grey countenance of what had been a beautiful young man they would never use the term ‘strong’. Even frail he would prove to himself at least that he had the fortitude to stick by his decision.

Duo readjusted himself on the sofa to get the poking spring away from his cheek. He stared at the ever present trail of light that filtered into his room. Instead of condemning it as usual he welcomed it remembering what Heero had said weeks before, ‘You are my ray of light in this darkness.’

“You’re never gunna leave me are you? Even if we never speak again…” A slight smile crept over his dry lips. Eventually the moment evaporated and the pain resumed consuming him. Again he waited for sleep and at some point the darkness made everything numb.





OSWARI



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A.N. - - - Beautiful Disaster title taken from Kelly Clarkson