To the Moon and Back

Chapter 5



When Hiroki woke up, the sun was high up in the sky. Thank goodness it was a Saturday. He blinked blearily and instinctively reached to his left, groping and searching for his lover. All he got were rumpled sheets that were cool to the touch. An unexplainable weight settled into his chest, accompanied by this hollow empty ache. Nowaki must have had to go to the hospital for the morning shift again, Hiroki told himself, attempting to soothe the irrational feelings welling up in him.



Rationally he understood that Nowaki was busy with his houseman-ship and all, but since when was the heart a rational thing? How Hiroki wished sometimes that he could wake up in Nowaki’s arms... that had not happened in what seemed like forever. Despite the yearning, Hiroki’s pride would never allow him to say all that to Nowaki. Furthermore, Nowaki was well worn out from work alone, he didn’t need a needy lover pestering him.



‘Needy lover.’



He growled mentally at the thought of him being one.



Hiroki knew he should be getting up, instead of lazing in bed like a useless fool. But after receiving the news of his illness yesterday, he felt that he had lost all the fighting spirit in him. There seemed to be no point in doing anything anymore. He gazed at the empty space beside him, and his heart clenched tightly in his chest.



What was he to do about Nowaki? Nowaki was working so hard, toiling tirelessly and endlessly just to become a paediatrician. He often said it was so that he could catch up to Hiroki one day, or that he wished to become a man worthy of Hiroki, but Hiroki knew that other than those two factors pushing him to succeed, Nowaki’s dream in life was to become a paediatrician so that he could help others in need, and especially sick orphans. Nowaki had experienced it himself, and he knew the loneliness and despair they went through, and while he kept that side of himself hidden most of the times, there were moments where the hurt, loneliness and despair he suffered as a child shone through brilliantly through his eyes. It was times like those that make Hiroki’s heart ache with the knowledge of the pain Nowaki went through, and all he wanted to do was to wrap his arms around Nowaki and hold him tight.



If he were to tell Nowaki of his condition, he knew that Nowaki would put everything aside, to care for Hiroki. He wasn’t being conceited here, but he knew his lover too well. Nowaki was too self-sacrificing sometimes.



Suddenly, something Professor Miyagi said awhile back rang through his head. He was talking about his own relationship...



‘If one day I become an obstruction in his life, I will walk away. I will not impede his future just because I want to stay by his side. He is so much younger, and he still has so much ahead of him that he has yet to achieve or experience. I will not deprive him of that chance just to stay with him. I’ll walk away, If it is better for him.’



The parallels of the Professor Miyagi’s situation and his were obvious. The treatment and the subsequent recovery period required of his illness would force Nowaki to take time off his work, or stop work completely to care for him. Hiroki hated relying on others, he was brought up to be a self-sufficient person, and the idea of being so helpless that he had to have Nowaki to look after his daily needs disgusted him. But the main thing was that Nowaki would definitely have to career on hold, to care for him and nurse him back to health. Hiroki had effectively become the largest obstruction in Nowaki’s future.



Tears slide unwillingly down Hiroki’s face as these unbidden thoughts flooded his head. He flipped over and shoved his face angrily into his pillow, hoping that would stop the crying.



Perhaps he could hire a maid to look after him? No. That option was definitely out. Though Nowaki was a doctor-in-training, and he an assistant professor, the chemotherapy and radiotherapy was going to be extremely costly, and seeing as how he would not be able to work during his treatment, he would have to dip into his savings, and finances would be tight. He would not be able to afford a maid. Maybe he could go live with his family in Kyoto during the treatment, and they could care for him. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea. But what about Nowaki? He definitely would not let Hiroki move to another city without him, and Nowaki was currently working at a hospital in Tokyo with Japan’s top paediatrics ward. His department only took in three people per year, and he was one of the special three. He could not make Nowaki throw away such a good opportunity like that.



Racking his brains for what seemed like eternity, coming up with ideas only to toss them away a few moments later, he was left with only one solution. He had to leave Nowaki, at least for the period of his treatment. Hiroki did not know what else he could do, that would ensure that his illness would not obstruct Nowaki’s future, while seeking treatment at the same time. Only by leaving Nowaki, and heading to Kyoto to stay with his parents while undergoing treatment, could he protect the dreams and aspirations of the man who was the most dearest and important to him.



A new wave of tears burst forth as Hiroki sobbed brokenly into his pillow, curling up in a foetal position. It hurt so much. The thought of having to leave Nowaki tore through him like a knife cutting through a piece of cloth, shredding it up. Nowaki had done so much for him, and even though Hiroki seldom showed his love or affection, he did love Nowaki, more than anyone else ever in his life. So now, for his lover’s sake, he had to let go. He had to gather up his courage and his broken heart and walk away.



But for now, all Hiroki could do was lie there, crying and breathing in Nowaki’s scent, letting everything wash over him.