Blood & Chocolate

Chapter 4: The Love You Hate To Fear

I could be the drug you can't resist
I could be the antidote you missed
I could be the love you hate to fear
You're filling the hole inside your heart with feeling near to me
Beautiful – Flickerstick


“Oi, bouzu!” Gojyo called as he pulled the key out of the lock and toed the door closed behind him. “I got curry!” He placed two brown bags on the table and began to extract takeout containers, opening one and smelling it. He looked up at the sound of an opening door to see Sanzo emerge from his room. The monk went into the kitchenette to retrieve plates and chopsticks. Gojyo smiled to himself.

It wasn't as if Gojyo hadn't noticed the change, subtle as it may have been. The way Sanzo began to carry himself, once ridged and tense, had become almost graceful and lithe. He still posessed an amount of arrogance to his movement, but it felt as though the pissy priest was willing himself to become more comfortable in his surroundings. The monk's words still cut a silence like a knife, but he noticed that the meanings were growing more sincere.

He also noted that Sanzo had taken a little of their conversation a month ago to heart. Slowly but surely, Sanzo was forcing himself to live. His eating habits had picked up perceptibly. He wasn't as thin and frail as he had been when he had come to live with the redhead, and his skin had warmed considerably to a light peach tone that almost glowed under the right light. It was unmistakable that Gojyo had seen an underlying beauty there, it just had to be brought to the surface.

There were also slight changes in their routine, the never-ending dance. Gojyo never claimed to be an expert on cooking by any means. He knew that he was a general terror in the kitchen, so much that Hakkai practically kept them alive when they had roomed together all those years ago. He could manage simple things, rice, ramen, tea, and the occasional idiot-proof breakfast (just don't ask him to make pancakes, whatever you do). Anything really beyond that would have to be tested for radiation. However, at least once or twice a week, he come home to tantalizing scents wafting from the small kitchenette and a flash of gold as Sanzo prepared some of the most delicious meals he had ever tasted.

Gojyo found that Sanzo left the small house more and more as well. Some evenings, he escaped Gojyo's presence by visiting Hakkai. Some evenings he joined him at the parlor for a round or two of mah jong. It wasn't clockwork, but it was a make-shift consistency. It was the closest thing the hanyou could pin down as friendship that he knew Sanzo capable of, and he didn't complain. Whatever it was, above everything else, Sanzo was healthy, and it scared the shit out of him because it made him, in turn, happy.

Sanzo handed Gojyo a pair of chopsticks as he lowered himself onto his chair, reaching for a container of moist rice. Gojyo watched as he held the box above his plate and pulled white clumps of grain out to fall on his plate. How had he not noticed the reverence in those hands, hands he had seen cleaning a gun with ease, hands that imperiously held cigarettes or covered an exasperated face? He shook his head slightly and went back to filling his plate.

The dance continued. It had been a month since Gojyo had first brought his friend Hitomi back to the house. That evening went unspoken of. Gojyo still brought partners home on Saturday evenings, but when he stumbled into the house, either Sanzo was out himself, or he acted like it was no surprise to him that the redhead was getting laid, didn't matter who by. It ate away at the insides of Gojyo's chest at that thought, yet he refused to acknowledge exactly why. Instead, he drowned in a body beneath him, forcing himself to feel.


------


On the one-year mark of Goku's death, Hakkai invited the two over for Sukiyaki, cards, and lots of alcohol.

“Ah, good times,” Hakkai said after a fit of laughter between him and Gojyo. “Call.”

“Two pair,” Gojyo smiled merrily. He quirked an eyebrow at the blond. Sanzo hadn't really laughed with them, but his face was peaceful in his remembrance.

“Hn. Straight flush,” Sanzo announced softly as he dropped his hand on the table.

“Shit. Keep it up, bouzu, and you're buying food this week,” he snorted as he gathered up the cards to shuffle again, pausing to take a swig from his beer. He glanced up to see Sanzo lift from his chair.

“Sumimasen,” he said softly, steadying himself by placing a hand softly on Gojyo's shoulder before padding down to the bathroom. Gojyo shook his head with a small smile as he continued to shuffle the cards. He was brought out of his reverie when Hakkai spoke.

“Gojyo,” he said with a hint of warning in his voice.

“What?”

“Be careful, there. It will only lead to trouble.” Gojyo quirked an eyebrow at his best friend.

“I don't know what you're talking about,” he said evenly, indicating the subject should be dropped.

“Yare yare,” Hakkai sighed as Sanzo returned from the bathroom and Gojyo dealt the next hand.


------


The blond and redhead thanked Hakkai for the evening, Gojyo giving Hakkai a brotherly hug as they left. They made their way down the road leisurely, the hanyou humming a song he heard earlier from a distant radio in the marketplace, their stomachs filled with home-cooking and enough alcohol to not feel a delivery truck hitting them at full speed. Gojyo lifted his arms and rested his hands behind his head as his song started forming words.

“Yooou could be the devil in my bed, yoooou could be the angel in my head,” he sang softly, chancing a glance at the monk walking alongside him. Sanzo's cheeks were flushed from the alcohol, but his expression was stoic and calm. Gojyo smirked, then threw a heavy arm around the priest's shoulders.

“What the fuck?!” Sanzo growled.

“And I knoooow, And I feeeel,” Gojyo belted as loud as he could, a hint of laughter in his voice.

“Baka erogappa!” Sanzo cried, trying to wrestle the taller man off of him to no avail.

“That I coooooooould learn to hate,” Gojyo winked at the blond, “just like yoooou.”

“You're heavy, dammit,” Sanzo playfully grabbed at Gojyo's side, a small smile threatening to creep across his lips.

“There it is,” Gojyo smirked proudly. “I just knew there was a smile in you somewhere,” he added, whispering in Sanzo's ear. There was a brief moment, a glimpse where the world stopped. Smiles faded, understanding passed through two pairs of intense eyes, and everything fell away until there were only two broken souls standing on an empty street.

When the earth shattered around them, Gojyo had Sanzo pinned against the wall of a building, slanting his mouth eagerly over the blond's. He felt those heavenly deft fingers tracing paths down his sides as he clasped the sides of a blushing face and he moaned. Tongues tangled, teeth collided, their dance becoming a twisted tango for dominance, the need to come out on top as Alpha-male. Those teasing hands worked their way around to the small of Gojyo's back, guiding the hanyou to grind against the beautiful body beneath him, and suddenly everything became clear.

Gojyo gently broke the kiss, fighting to catch his breath. He heard the almost inaudible whine from the back of Sanzo's throat and rested his forehead against the blond's shoulder.

“Gotta stop,” he panted. He brought his eyes back up to meet fierce violet. “Gomen nasai,” he said softly before extracting himself away from the priest. The redhead shoved his hands in his pockets and, abruptly feeling completely sober, started walking down the road towards the house. He paused and glanced back for only a second. “You comin'?”

He watched Sanzo kick off from the wall, straightening himself and started down the road, falling easily in step with the other, side by side. They entered the small house, muttering a polite “good night” before retreating to their separate rooms. Gojyo left his bedroom door cracked.


I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming
And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this
Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
I'm Lost Without You – Blink 182