Walking Wounded

CHAPTER 5

Shishido sat awkwardly on the corner of Choutarou's bed, fiddling with the corner of the damp towel. Now that he was here, he wasn't sure if he had the courage to talk to Choutarou. He knew he had to, but knowing, and being able to, are two completely different things.

Shouldering the door open, Choutarou balanced a tray as he slipped into the room, closing it behind him with his foot.

"Tea, it'll help warm you up." He sat it on his desk, and began pouring the hot liquid into a small cup.

Shishido took the cup offerend to him with both hands, holding it under his nose.

"Why were you out in the rain?" Choutarou asked.

Shishido glanced at him past the rim of the cup, "I'm not really sure."

Disbelief, "what?"

"Well, I was kind of going crazy in my apartment and ended up outside, and before I really realized it, I was here ..." Shishido once again wished for his long hair, wishing he could tilt his head forward and hide behind his bangs. "I can leave now if I'm bothering you ..." He started to stand.

Choutarou jumped when Shishido started to stand, not wanting the other to leave, "NO! I mean ...well, I'm happy to see you, and I think we probably should talk ..."

Shishido slowly sat himself back down, tucking his feet underneath himself. He always felt safer and more in control when his arms and legs were tucked closer to his body. Almost like he was protecting himself from harm, like no one could attack his tender limbs if they were close to his stronger solid body.

"Yeah ...umm ..."

"I can't lie, I have missed you Ryou ..." Choutarou started, knowing full well that Shishido would mumble himself into silence and possibly not talk if he was left to open the floor.

"I slept with someone else," he said it, the thing he wanted to get off his chest.

"W-what?" Choutarou leaned heavily against his desk, his own tea cup rattling against the wood.

"Everytime we fought I would go to this one bar, and I would meet him there, and I'd go back to his place and we'd have sex," he couldn't look Choutarou in the eye, this was one thing he swore to himself to never tell him; but here he was, blurting out his most deadly secret.

Choutarou was silent. He didn't know how to take it. It almost seemed like he was a third person in the room, watching himself from outside his body as he stared down at the bowed Shishido. His body was frozen, too much shock to cry or scream.

"I know you probably hate me for all that I've done to you, but everyone tells me to just talk to you, so I decided to tell you everything. I'm an asshole, I shouldn't have slept with that guy-"

"Who was it?" Choutarou's voice was quiet, voice on the edge of being bitter.

"Akutsu Jin," he wasn't going to lie, if Choutarou asked, he would tell. "He was having problems in his relationship and I was having problems in mine, and we kind of ...I dunno ..." his fingertips burned from the hot tea cup, "I don't love him, it was sex. That's all it was to him too, I don't know why we did it, I think it was just to get rid of the frustration of fighting with someone. I wanted to do that with you, but, I know your thing with your parents. I'm not going to lie and say I get it, cause I don't, I really don't. You know my parents don't give a shit which way I swing, I have an older brother, but in your case, you're the only male." Stopping in the middle of his ramble he looked up to Choutarou, the other male quietly watching him.

Choutarou didn't want to say anything, it seemed for once, the less he spoke, the more Shishido spoke. Without prompting the smaller male blurted out everything he was thinking, instead of disguising it with his usual clipped words and sharp attitude. He couldn't think of anything to say anyway, his boyfriend cheated on him and was now sitting on his bed telling him everything.

"I don't know why I did it, I can't justify something like that, and I don't want to. I think it was just, I wanted you so badly, but you wouldn't let me, so I somehow ended up letting someone else do that to me. I'm so obsessed with sex because I don't know how to show my affection for you any other way, sure, I can hug you and kiss you and what-not, but when it comes down to it, I don't know what else to do. I'm a purely physical being, that's all I know. So, to me, giving myself to you is a way to show you that I'm completely yours. Sure, I've banged a lot of people in my life, but it was only meaningless sex, with you, I don't want meaningless sex, but I want sex, because I want to be in that position with you ..." Shishido sighed heavily, "this is all coming out wrong, I suck at this talking thing, I'm all action, I can't talk myself out of a wet paper bag!"

"I think I kind of get what you're trying to say, but that doesn't make me any less upset," Choutarou said gently, still keeping his distance from Shishido.

"I know, I know, I don't expect you to be happy, I fucked up, big time! But, I can't explain anything, and I seem to be just digging myself into a deeper hole. I think what I'm trying to say is ...well, I love you, there's no denying that, and because of that, I want everything from you. Sometimes I think I'm asking too much, and that gets me frustrated because I don't know what to do, and I can't explain it because I suck with words."

Choutarou nodded, folding his arms over his chest; tea going cold in the white cup behind him.

"I always push for sex because I want you, I don't just want to get off, I want to be with you, to give myself over to you in trust. Sure, I'm a horn-ball, but it's only you that does it to me. With Akutsu, I thought about you, and I know he thought about Dan. It's not like I want to have sex with everything with a hole, I only want you."

Choutarou couldn't help but grin, he loved the way Shishido talked when he became flustered. He always tended to be more truthful when he didn't know what to say.

"Everyone always gives me hell cause I don't talk properly, my japanese is shitty and my vocabulary is mainly composed for four-letter words. Normally I don't care, but right now, I don't know HOW to explain what's going on in my head, it's like there's a wall there stopping me from explaining things. I can identify well enough that I love you and it makes me happy to be around you, my stomach gets all," Shishido danced his fingers over his stomach, trying to think up the right term, "butterflies?" Tilting his head he scratched his head, "I dunno, but when we fight, everything hurts, inside and outside. I get sick to my stomach and my chest hurts, even my skin hurts when you're mad at me. And I can't stop it because I don't know how to talk without being a dick."

Choutarou hid his smirk behind a strategically placed hand, as if contemtplating all Shishido had told him. Sure, his words were crude, and usually wrong, but it came from the heart, even if it had a round-about way of getting there. It was obvious his emotions were a jumbled mess, coming out as multiple comments - repeated to extent. It was almost like he was trying to talk himself through it, more than explain it.

"Arg!" Shishido ruffled his hair, tugging on the ends, "I don't want this relationship to end, but I don't blame you for not wanting to try again. I said a lot of nasty shit, and I did the worst thing possible. But, I want to try again, I'll try to be more understanding and not be as pushy ..."

"No you won't."

The shaggy brown head snapped up in shock, "Choutarou?"

"You'll continue to push, even though you say you won't. But, I understand why a little better now. And that doesn't change the fact you cheated on me."

Shishido threw his hands up in defeat, "I know, I know, I know! I can't believe how badly I fucked up!" He threw himself backwards onto the bed, arms over his face.

The bed dipped as Choutarou sat next to him. Gently lifting Shishido's arm he leaned over and kissed him.

"But, I think you coming over here and telling me everything is enough proof that we should try again. It'll be rocky, and I don't trust you, but I can't and won't move on."

Shishido leaned forward as Choutarou pulled back, trying to continue the kiss, "I talk a lot of shit, but I'm trying not to this time. Hell, if you want to put me on a leash, then go ahead! Anything to show that I'm trying to change!"

"Ryou, that's kinky."

The comment caught him off guard and he had to pause and rethink what he had just said. Most of his comments had slipped out past his natural barriers and almost went unnoticed by his mind, dimly being registered because his mouth moved to form the words.

"I-what? Leash ...right ...CHOUTAROU!"