Ficlet Series (ES21)

The Difference Between Love and Sex

(ooc, but hopefully in a way that's not too bad)

When Shin got back to Japan, he wasn't surprised to find Hiruma in his apartment. Doors never stayed locked when Hiruma was concerned, and the other boy came and went as he pleased, regardless if Shin had locked the door or not. There were beer cans all over his once immaculate floors, and take-out boxes littering his counters. Hiruma himself was sitting on the couch smoking a cigarette in Shin's favorite grey sweatshirt, the too large sleeves rolled up at his elbows.

"How long have you been here?" Shin asked as he walked over to open the window. He hated the smell of cigarette smoke, and his apartment now reeked of it.

"A week." Hiruma kicked his legs up, dirty feet landing on Shin's coffee table. "I bought some groceries, so, you know..."

Hiruma trailed off, looked away, but Shin was never good at guessing what other people have to say.

"... are you going to fucking cook something for me or not?"

Shin walked back to the kitchen, clearing the counter space of all the containers. That's right, Hiruma didn't know how to cook.

"Can't you find some one else to cook for you?"

But when he looked towards the couch Hiruma was slouched down and staring off into the distance, and he thought maybe he shouldn't ask. Shin made some omelet rice, because in truth he couldn't cook much either, and Hiruma shoveled it down as though he was starved. Maybe he was, Shin didn't know. Shin sat next to him and watched him eat, and when he was finished they fucked on the couch and fell asleep.

They next morning Shin woke up cramped and tired, half his body hanging off the couch. Hiruma was still asleep next to him, but Shin left him to go jog for a bit. Jogging was usually his favorite part of the day. There was nothing like the early morning, when everything still felt new and crisp and clean, and all he had to think about were the melodies his mp3 player whispered in his ears.

The last few weeks had been bad. America had been bad. He had gone, with his heavily accented English, and had seen colleges that told him how excited they would be to have him. On a full football scholarship, of course, and he'd get all the experience he needed to make it professionally in the states and become the football player he always wanted to be. The best. He had met the other football players, and their expressions had ranged from shocked to incredulous.

"A Chinese football player? I didn't even know those kids played football." he had heard one of say to another, and then a reply of, "Well, look at Yao. They play basketball, why not football too?"

He was pretty sure he was faster than most of them, stronger, and could outclass them in skills as well. But he was smaller than them, he looked different, and he felt more out of place than he ever had before.

Shin hadn't thought it would matter, if he was out of place. It was the game that mattered. But once he was faced with the reality of it, once he was in America, with its big open skies and brash people, he couldn't imagine playing football there. Except, that was all he had ever wanted, and with graduation running towards him he couldn't even stop to think about making the decision.

When he got back he put his mp3 player on the kitchen counter and went to his room to change. He would have taken a shower, but he could hear Hiruma in there, and he didn't feel like joining the other boy. After he finished dressing he stood at the bathroom door, watching Hiruma washing his hair.

"Hey, how long are you going to be here?"

Hiruma had his eyes closed, face up towards the shower faucet. "Dunno."

"Don't you have anywhere else to go?"

Hiruma shook his head no, sending drops of water onto the glass door.

Shin watched him for a little, through the light fog of the room. Hiruma had always been so skinny, maybe overly so, and Shin had always wondered how he managed to be such a good football player with that kind of build. "So you're here for free room and board."

Hiruma turned to him then, his eyes set in that angry, feral glare he got sometimes. "I'll pull my own weight."

Shin turned and left. He needed to get to school; whether or not Hiruma was going to his own class was none of his concern.

Shin didn't really care if Hiruma didn't pay him for rent. That had always been their arrangement, hadn't it? Hiruma got a place to stay, and they both got to get off. Now, though, it seemed to be more than just a one-night arrangement, and Shin wondered where Hiruma would go if he went to America in a few months. He didn't doubt that the boy could extort some one into providing him shelter. Why then, was he even here?

Sakuraba was waiting for him at the school's gate, and they fell in step together as they walked to join their other friends.

After school Shin came home to find half a month's worth of rent on his counter. He cooked pork miso soup for Hiruma, and made a special vitamin drink for himself. He was asleep when Hiruma stumbled in later, but the door slamming woke him up, and the clock read after ten.

"Do you know where you're going?" Sakuraba asked him, a few days later at school.

Shin still hadn't decided. Every one was pressuring him for an answer... the colleges, his parents, his counselor. "No."

"It must be nice, to be scouted like that." Sakuraba looked sad for a moment, and Shin wondered if Sakuraba had ever been mad at him for being a better football player. "America, huh?"

"America." Even the word sounded strange on his tongue.

"Hey." Sakuraba punched him in the shoulder and grinned at him. "But you'll come back and visit me, right?"

Sakuraba was going to study journalism at a liberal arts school, but really, school was just a backdrop while he continued his own football career. He was good enough by now to play on the collegiate level, and in a few years professionally, in Japan at least, and playing for his country was really all that Sakuraba ever wanted.

"Of course," Shin replied. "I'll have to watch you in the Koshien Bowl."

"Oh, yeah." Sakuraba looked as though he had just remembered something. "Takami says he tried to call your place late last night, and that Hiruma guy picked up."

"He's staying with me," Shin admitted.

"Oh. Isn't that... weird?"

"I think his parents kicked him out."

Understanding and sympathy dawned on Sakuraba's face. "Poor guy. It's just, you know, be careful, cause people talk, you know? You wouldn't believe some of the weird rumors people say about you." Sakuraba laughed a little, as if the rumors were spectacularly silly. "You should get a girlfriend or something to shut them up."

"Yeah."

That night Shin fall asleep before Hiruma came home again, and he woke up to Hiruma crawling on top of him and caressing his cock and balls. Hiruma kissed him, hard and wet and sloppy, and they made out while Hiruma stroked him to hardness. Then Hiruma broke off the kiss and sat up, and Shin felt himself being enveloped as Hiruma slid down on his cock. Hiruma rode him, moving up and down, and he put his hands on the blond's waist to help him along. It was never fast or hard enough though, and soon Shin tossed Hiruma on the bed and started pounding him into the mattress. Hiruma's legs were a vice grip around his waist, and Hiruma's fingernails trailed claw marks down his back.

Afterwards, Shin stared up at the ceiling. Hiruma was on his side, back towards him, smoking another one of his cigarettes.

"Don't pick up my phone," Shin told him, remembering.

Hiruma was silent a moment, taking a drag, and then Shin saw three perfectly concentric circles blow into the air. "Why? Are you afraid people will find out you're a fag?"

"Just don't pick it up."

Hiruma got out of bed and walked towards the bathroom. "I've got to take a shit."

Hiruma paused at the bathroom door, stretched a little bit.

"You know," Hiruma said, "it won't work out, being in love with a straight boy."

"Shut the fuck up," Shin replied, surprised he was mad enough to curse, "you don't know anything about me."

Hiruma disappeared into the bathroom, and Shin fell asleep. He dreamt about cowboys and samurai, and eating ramen with Sakuraba on the fourth of July.

In the morning Shin inspected the damage Hiruma had done to his back. The scratch marks stung a little bit now, and looked a bright, angry red. He did his best to cover all the scratches with ointment, and wore a dark t-shirt to hide them.

That day Hiruma left, and didn't come back for four days. In class Sakuraba noticed that Shin kept checking his cell phone, and when he asked him why, Shin mumbled some excuse about admissions officers. Hiruma finally came back with little ceremony, and Shin handed him a glass of milk as a hello.

"I'm not in love with Sakuraba," Shin said, surprising both of them with the statement. It was none of Hiruma's business, after all.

Hiruma sipped his milk, indifferent. "It's none of my business."

Two weeks before graduation, Shin went into his counselor's office. He had decided. He was going to America, to USC. Big, open skies, palm trees, and sushi that was more expensive and nowhere near as good as the sushi in Japan. He told Sakuraba, who looked genuinely happy for him, and he called his parents to tell them the news. They talked about missing him and maybe buying a house in California, but really, it's not as though he saw them that often even living in Japan.

After his last class he changed into his gym clothes, plugged in his mp3 player, and went for a jog. He would be leaving all this soon, leaving the land of the rising sun for a career in American football. It was what he had always wanted, and still, he felt a sadness tugging at him that he hadn't expected. He would miss this, he realized. He would miss good soba, and Sakuraba, and speaking Japanese. He would even miss his parents, and...

Shin stopped to take a drink of water and looked into a shop window. A book stared out at him, 'The Art of Cooking', and he remembered that Hiruma couldn't cook. Hiruma ate store-bought bento and other cheap conveniences, and maybe didn't even eat at all sometimes if he got tired of it.

Shin started jogging again, all of a sudden confused, and when he stopped jogging he realized he was in front of Deimon High. He stopped his jog and walked onto the campus, knowing exactly where the football field was. The school was almost empty, and he passed by only a few students on his way. Of course, clubs had ended a long time ago.

Hiruma was sitting against a short wall near the football club house, tossing a bone for his mutt to catch. Shin walked up and leaned forward against the wall, watching as the two continued their game.

"I'm going to America."

Hiruma didn't say anything, just continued tossing the bone to his dog. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

Shin looked away. What was he doing he? What exactly was he thinking, or expecting? Out of bed, he barely even knew Hiruma. Between them, it had always just been about sex, and now he had somehow messed up his head and couldn't tell the difference between sex and love. Maybe it was complacency, and he had just gotten used to Hiruma's presence, but for some reason he couldn't even think about buying a new apartment in America if Hiruma wasn't there to break into it. "I want you to come with me."

Hiruma leaned back further against the wall, dug his hands into his pocket. "What the hell am I going to do in America?"

"What are you going to do here?"

Hiruma's eyes glazed over as he looked at the ground, and for a moment Shin thought maybe Hiruma was just as confused as he was.

"My dad kicked me out when he found out I was gay," Hiruma confessed, that untamed anger back in his eyes. "After all the shit I've done, he kicked me out because of that, the fucking bastard."

Hiruma looked right at him then, eyes blazing, and Shin didn't know what Hiruma wanted out of him. What he was supposed to say.

"Come with me," he repeated, "to America. We'll figure things out there."

"Yeah." Hiruma closed his eyes and swallowed. "Yeah, I'll go with you."

"Let's go home."

Hiruma got up and jumped over the fence, surprisingly docile for the moment. Shin wasn't really sure what he was doing. He wasn't sure that he wasn't making a really stupid mistake. But, as Hiruma fell into step beside him, he was sure for one fleeting moment that they could figure everything out.

.end.