Silent Acceptance

The new routine took a while to get used to. Both Sawa and Yukihito would leave the apartment at the same time in the morning, and Yukihito would return first. He wasn't interested in any of the school clubs, and it didn't take long for some of the other boys in his class to single out the quiet young man who preferred his own company. Getting school over with quickly made it possible to deal with the teasing. Suzuki-sensei's ever cheerful presence also helped a lot, much to his annoyance. The teacher's interest in Sawa didn't make her one of Yukihito's favorite people.

Meanwhile, Sawa was finding it harder to keep his cross dressing a secret. Or perhaps, he was finding it harder to want to keep it a secret. Sometimes a little lipstick would find its way on his collar, causing his coworkers to jeer about his woman getting a little too close with a goodbye kiss. It took a great deal of self-restraint to keep him from telling them that he was the woman in question. It was getting to the point that he had to remind himself to answer to Tsuneo and not correct anyone who called him that.

Spending a few evenings in Ayame s company in the evenings helped. Two or three times a week he would dress his prettiest and follow whatever whim she had. Nearly every whim involved getting to know ni-chome a lot better. Karaoke one night, a drag show the next, some random club on yet another. He met her friends; some became his friends also, forming a nice supporting group. With his collection of merchandise growing with more visits to Tomodachi, Ayame took it upon herself to tutor him on more carnal subjects.

"If you want to keep your bits, you need to know how to use them, silly", she once told him before ordering him another dangerously sweet and flammable drink. And there are chances all over this place.

She ended up shoving him in the arms of a tall rugged-looking model who called himself “Arashi” who had been flirting with him all night. By last call, he was tipping his way into a cab, gingerly resting his rear on the seat. It wasn't the most ideal way to lose his virginity, but with half a dozen drinks in his system, Ayame's urging, and the little foil packet she slipped into his hand before they headed off to a back room, he needed no other persuasion.

The guilt hit him just as he got to the door of the apartment. Yukihito was just behind that, waiting up as usual to make sure Sawa got home safe. What on earth would he think if he knew what had happened?

"Nagisa-san, did you have a good time?" Yukihito asked as he quickly made his way to the bathroom. Perhaps washing some of the night off would help.

Under the warm spray, Sawa rested his spinning head on the titles and tried to justify why he shouldn't be feeling the way he was.

He was an adult and could do whatever he pleased with his body. That sounded childish and made him cringe in spite of himself.

If he wanted to really be able to write about the mechanics of anal sex, it was necessary to experience it himself. That one made him laugh. The majority of his author peers were female, and he wrote for a mostly female audience. Why should they care about that much detail?

He needed the release. Masturbation just wasn't enough anymore. He was a virile youth. It would have been the perfect justification if his own conscience didn't rail at him in response. He could have waited just a little longer.

But what was he waiting for?

Clean and sobered up a bit, Sawa walked into the bedroom quietly. Yukihito was fast asleep on his regular side. On the bed stand was a glass of water, two aspirin, and a piece of crystallized ginger. The sight made Sawa's heart ache and the guilt return. Yukihito was always looking out for him. The least he could do was not stay out so late. He wasn't being a good influence at all.

Yes, maybe that was the source of his guilt.

Sawa swallowed the pills and drained the glass of water before going into the living room and picking up the phone, dialing Ayame's number.

"'lo?" a sleepy voice slurred into his ear after the third ring.

"Hey, Ayame-chan?"

"Oh, it's you, Na-chan. Did you have fun with Arashi?" He heard the leer in her sleepy voice.

"It was okay, I suppose. Not exactly what I was expecting, to be honest.

"I'm not surprised, you romantic. I guess I don't have to worry about setting the two of you up again, huh? Such a pity, too. Ah well, I wouldn't want you to have any more regrets."

"Regrets? I don't have any regrets." Sawa said hurriedly, hoping his lie didn't sound that empty over the phone line. "I just..."

"You just feel guilty. You wouldn't have dared call me at this time of the night otherwise."

"Ayame, there's nothing to feel guilty about." He dropped his voice to a whisper even though Yukihito was soundly sleeping, even mentioning that he'd had sex felt blasphemous within the walls of their home.

"Oh brother, have you got it bad. Does any of this have have to do with that cutie you're sharing an apartment with?"

"What!" Sawa yelped before clamping his mouth closed with his other hand. He paused for a minute, listening for any hint that the aforementioned "cutie" had heard him. "Sure, I feel bad about him waiting up for me so late, but..."

"Hey Cleopatra, how's the view from De-Nile? Look, I'd love to rehash this conversation once more, but I need my beauty sleep. We can do this at the Tomodachi later today, all right? Now go get some sleep."

She hung up, leaving Sawa just as confused and conflicted as before. Ayame spoke some truth, but he didn't want to think about the implications of just how much Yukihito really meant to him. It would be best to keep that to himself.

For now, sleep beckoned him.


end of April


Humming a frantic tune, Sawa quickly set about washing a strainer full of freshly cooked soba under a stream of cold water. Suzuki-sensei was due to arrive in about 15 minutes and he was nervous, to say the least.

"Are we clear, Yukihito-kun?" He asked the boy who was checking the bookshelves for the third time.

"Yeah, I've moved them all."

That afternoon was spent clearing out any hint of impropriety that his teacher could stumble upon. Makeup got stowed under the sink, any feminine garb got placed in the back of the closet, and all of the BL novels were moved behind the more "normal" romance novels. That collection had more than doubled since Sawa discovered Tomodachi so it took a lot more room than would fit in a drawer.

"Are you sure?" The now cold and drained soba was dumped into a serving bowl en route to the dinner table. Dinner was a simple affair, rice, tonkatsu with shredded cabbage, and cold soba with a sweet dipping sauce for an appetizer. Yukihito found the dipping sauce recipe in a cookbook and wanted to give it a try.

"Yes, yes, yes." A "yes" for every time they went through this exchange in the past two hours. Yukihito understood Sawa' sense of urgency, but this paranoia was starting to get on his nerves.

The doorbell rang, interrupting whatever Sawa wanted to say to the exasperated teen. Yukihito rushed to the door.

"Good evening, Suzuki-sensei," he said politely as he opened it. "You're just in time for dinner."

Suzuki-sensei walked in, returning his bow before removing her shoes. "Thank you, Yukihito-san. I'm glad I wasn't late. The train I was on was delayed."

"Come on in the living room and have a seat then, Suzuki-san," Sawa called from the kitchen. "We'll get started soon."

Instead, Suzuki entered the kitchen proper. "Are you sure you don't need any help in here? And please, call me Ume..."

Yukihito attacked the poor dirty plate with a wet sponge and a scowl. Dinner was a test of his patience. From the point when Suzuki insisted on being called by her first name, she was far too familiar to Sawa for his tastes. Yukihito was surprised that she remembered that he was also at the table.

"This is delicious, Tsuneo-san," she trilled as they ate.

"Thank you. Yukihito-kun was a great help as well. I think he did a great job."

With a quick smile in Yukihito's direction, she replied. "I'm sure you've taught him well."

The boy in question frowned around his mouthful. All he did was turn on the rice cooker and mix ingredients together. He learned how to do that when he was six.

Sawa kept directing the conversation back to Yukihito's progress at school, but Suzuki would direct it back to him and how she was doing and their old high school and so on.

After post dinner tea, she had "something of importance" to speak with Sawa about that Yukihito couldn't hear. They moved to the balcony to talk, though with the thin walls and the doors left cracked open, he could hear some of it.

"Tsuneo-san, I have a few concerned about Yukihito's behavior."

"His behavior? He's always been a well behaved young man. Is there something wrong?"

"Yes, he's very well behaved in during class, and very quiet to the point of being withdrawn. He doesn't speak unless spoken to, and I don't see him interact with his classmates at all."

"Sounds like the perfect student to me. Not mouthing off to his teachers, or goofing off with his peers. I don't see what's the problem here."

Thank you, Nagisa-san, Yukihito said to himself triumphantly. You understand me so well.

"I remember being that shy when I was in school. I was socially stunted, and I'd rather not see that happen to Yukihito-san."

"I don't think it's shyness that keeps him quiet. He's very mature for 15. Perhaps the antics of kids his age don't interest him."

Yukihito turned on the faucet to rinse a sinkload of dishes, drowning out whatever was being said outside. He didn't worry too much, though. Sawa would take up for him no matter what Suzuki's concerns were.

"...female?" Sawa said, confused, once the water was turned off.

"Think about it. Don't you think he needs a female presence at home? It would do him a world of good."

A snort of laughter nearly made him drop a dish. Pity she didn't know that she was talking to the female presence in his life. What was she trying to do?

"I've discussed this with his grandparents and they seem to agree. They want to see you married, you know," she continued. "Your father wants to even arrange an omai meeting."

This time a dish did plate did drop as he and Sawa both spun to look at the woman.

"You can't be serious," Sawa snapped. "Why would they say that to you?"

She didn't seem perturbed. “I don't think they were serious about the omai, though. They share the same concerns as I do about him."

"I'm sure they do if you make Yukihito sound like some antisocial misfit. And just what gives you the right to talk to my parents in the first place? If you have any concerns about Yukihito, I should have been the first person to call."

"It was my understanding that your parents would want to know about their grandchild's progress."

"Then that would be my job to talk with them about that, not yours. I would appreciate it if you remember that." Sawa stalked to the glass balcony doors, opening them fully for Suzuki. "It is getting very late, and I'd rather not keep Yukihito up on a school night. I hope you understand."

The tightness in his voice and the tension in his body made Yukihito worry. It was a good thing that he was keeping his anger in check.

"I understand, Tsuneo-san. If you'd like to continue this conversation, I saw a little tea shop on my way here," Suzuki replied as she was being led back to the door.

"That won't be necessary. As you can see, I provide Yukihito with a good stable home. He doesn't want for anything. His grades are excellent, as you've told me, and causes you no trouble. Given what he has gone through, I'd like to think that he'd adjusting well."

Suzuki nodded as she reached for her shoes. "I can understand how frustrating it can be when you are trying your best. I'd still like to catch up with you later and-oh! These aren't my shoes at all."

She picked up a pair of black patent leather pumps. A large pair of patent leather pumps. Her smiling face turned into one of confusion as Yukihito cringed inwardly. He thought he'd hidden those away before she arrived.

Sawa froze, at a loss for words. That was an unexpected little twist to his indignant little fit.

"Looks like Obassan forgot those the last time she stayed over," Yukihito said quickly, relaxing as the smile returned to Suzuki's face. Looks like she bought it.

"Of course," she said, slipping on her shoes. "I hope the two of you have a nice evening, and I'll see you in the morning, Yukihito-san."

As the door closed behind her, Sawa leaned his back against it. It wasn't until she accepted Yukihito's lie did his brain resume functioning correctly.

Yukihito was at his side at once. "I'm sorry about the shoes. They were the only ones I forgot."

"It's all right. Thanks for the save." Sawa took a deep breath before finally releasing his anger. "The nerve of that woman! Who does she think she is? And Mom and Dad-I can't believe they would even entertain such thoughts!"

He continued ranting as she strode to the kitchen. "An omai? Are they so displeased with how I care for you that they want to arrange a marriage for me? What more do I have to do? I've just spent two hours pretending to be someone I barely recognize anymore. I don't know what's worse, living an entire lie or juggling two separate lives at once." Sawa slumped forward on the counter, head in his hands as if the entire weight of his situation suddenly landed on his shoulders. "I'm not sure if I can take much more of this." The despair in his voice was as thick as the tears that threatened to choke his throat.

"I-I'll go." Yukihito joined him at the counter, his voice regressing to the soft whisper that used to be his constant voice. "You're only doing this for me anyway." That would fix things. He would got back to Chiba and leave Sawa to truly be free. He'd do anything in his power to make Sawa happy again.

Both trembling hands dropped from Sawa's face as he met Yukihito's hazel eyes. "Do you think that would helps matters at all? Come here..."

The boy was pulled into a fierce hug. "I do this for you, because I want you here with me. Maybe I'm being selfish, but I need you. You ask for nothing from me. You expect nothing from me. Of course I don't want you to go, and I'll do whatever it takes to keep you here."

Yukihito felt his heart grow warm. He was so glad he was needed. For all that Sawa did for him, it was good that he had something to contribute. Gently, he kissed Sawa's cheek and wiped the pair of tears that ran down his face.

"Red Chair is proud to present, our hometown favorite, Hana-hime!"

The crowd exploded in cheers as a white and pink swing lowered from above the stage. Sitting on the seat cross-legged was the performer in question clad in pink sequins and fishnets, shoulders bumping to the beat of the fast paced music. Once her feet touched the stage, she rose from the swing and made it to the edge of the stage in two quick steps, stretching her arms out to the adoring audience.

"Hello everyone, did you miss me?" Her glitter dusted face widened at the affirmative roar. "Wow, I've missed you, too. You're always so amazing to me. Are you ready to hear a song or two?"

As she launched into her first song of the night, Ayame leaned over and nudged Sawa in the ribs. "She's fantastic, isn't she?"

This was Sawa's second time seeing the okama performer and he continued to be impressed. Hana-hime was a petite little thing that towered in four inch heels and a tall pink feathered headdress with a pair of breasts that nearly swamped her frame. Her act was energetic and quite athletic, with turns and splits that made him wow and cringe at the same time. If she still had male genitalia, as Ayame assured him, how did she keep from injuring herself?

Ayame insisted that he join her and some of her friends at the lounge to see the show. According to her, he was too wound up and needed to relax. Sawa couldn't agree more. Between work and the wait for news from Taboo, he was a nervous wreck. Yukihito practically pushed up out the door tonight, wishing him a good time.

It was a shame that Yukihito was too young to come with them. Sawa was sure that he would have a decent time. Toisho, who Ayame regularly described as a wet blanket, was at the table and enjoying himself just fine, holding up a couple of crisp yen bills for Hana-hime to grab as she sashayed past their table. Instead of simply taking the money, she grabbed his hand and used it to swing herself onto his lap. The patrons whistled and hooted as she held Toisho's head to her ample chest while she continued singing. He looked only mildly embarrassed, his smile never wavering. Hana then leaned her head back and blew Ayame a kiss before rising and moving to the next table.

Sawa found the display terribly amusing, but he was more glad that he wasn't the center of attention this time. Hana greeted him similarly the first time he saw her show. Even with all that was going on, just wishing for Yukihito's presence brought some of the more uncomfortable feelings he'd been trying to suppress lately back to the forefront of his mind.

Since that moment in the kitchen after Suzuki's visit, Yukihito had become far more affectionate than before. He initiated hugs and kisses and went from simply sharing a pillow to outright snuggling against Sawa's side. The actions seemed innocent enough, but they caused the most uninnocent thoughts to pop into Sawa's mind. He would find himself absently wondering how those lips that brushed against his cheek in the morning would taste or how good it would feel to hold him back. He knew this was a problem. A big one. The intensity of his attraction was overwhelming and he knew he had to do something about it before it got worse.

But what? Sending Yukihito away would devastate them both. He'd made so much progress since last November that he would regress in the face of Sawa's rejection. Simply asking him to cease the affections would be just as cruel.

"Earth to Nagisa," Jian, the slender Chinese man sitting next to him chanted, poking his side. "Are you all right?"

"I'm all right, Jian-san. I just got distracted," he replied, returning his attention back on stage, where Hana was on her second song. Ayame's drunken giggle made him jump.

"Someone's got her head in the clouds," she taunted. "I wonder who's got you so spacey tonight?"

"Not now, Ayame." Not while he was trying to relax. He couldn't take any teasing right now.

Ayame sighed. "You know, you really should just take that boy and..."

Sawa rose before she could finish the sentence. "I said not now!" To his other companions at the table he said quickly, "Please excuse me. It's getting late."

He got out of the club and onto the sidewalk before he heard Ayame's voice following him. "Will you stop, damn it!"

"Ayame, please, I'm tired and I just want to go home." Sawa continued down the sidewalk, stepping as if the sound of his heels could drown out Ayame's protests. It was a lost cause; he couldn't ignore his friend, no matter how annoyed he was at her. He stopped and waited for her to catch up.

"Look, I'm sorry. I took it way too far," Ayame stopped short, still at his back. "It's just that...dammit, Na-chan, I'm jealous!"

Sawa turned around. "What do you have to be jealous about? At least you can be who you are freely and love who you want freely."

"At least the one you love loves you back. And don't give me that look. You'd have to be blind not to know that boy adores you. And he doesn't seem to care however you're connected to each other. You see, 'guys' like us don't get a whole lot of options in the love department, so if you get the chance, grab it." For just a moment, Ayame's voice reverted to her normal speaking tone, and her eyes looked far older.

"You're speaking from experience?"

She smiled sadly. "Yeah, you could say that. In my profession, the options are even less." She turned and threw a hand out to hail a taxi. "You should be getting home then, and i should be getting back to the party. Hana-hime will be looking for her biggest fan." As the taxi stopped, she dug in her purse for the fare.

Thanking Ayame and wishing her a good evening, Sawa entered the car, even deeper in thought. Maybe Ayame was right. Maybe his feelings weren't completely wrong. He would have to think about it some more. Yes, it was the cowardly thing to do, but he couldn't risk alienating Yukihito on the chance that he'd been misunderstanding the boy's actions.

Yes, he'd wait until the time was right, whenever that was.