Oh my Saber Urusei Onegai Azumanga Saga Z 1/2!

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime/manga mentioned here, nor the characters from them. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. Because, come on, if I had a penny for each stupid thing I write, I'd be richer than Bill Gates.


All characters featured here are the sole property of their respective creators, not mine, and I swear I'm not making any money or any other profit out of this fan work of fiction. Also, never eat yellow snow.

Any similarity with any real events, and living or dead persons, events and institutions, out of maybe harmless parody purposes, is nothing but a spectacularyficly coincidence.

No one under the age of 18 should be reading this, or your tender, underage innocent eyes will melt in your face upon reading these horrible lines. Is that understood? Okay? Fine.


Episode Five and Three Quarters: The Transfered Hedgehog.

"Six times in a night?" a bewildered Ritsuko Akagi, again clad only in a blue swimsuit with an open white lab coat over it, asked from her cahir behind her desk, staring at Misato, who was sitting on the desk itself sipping coffee, her legs crossed.

"A-yep!" Misato nodded happily. "I left him dry by the morning, but it was worth it! His cock isn't too thick, but it's long and limber enough, so...".

"Longer than Aoba's?".

"Yep".

"Longer than Hyuga's?".

"Most definitely. And he has a ton of repressed sex drive" Misato chuckled. "Ah, youth, to be a teenager again!".

"And speaking about teenagers, you sent him to his first school day today, right?" Ritsuko questioned.

"That's right" Misato narrowed her eyes, her voice taking a more serious turn. "I just hope he doesn't get too bullied today".

"What makes you think they'll bully him?".

"C'mon, Ritsu, the poor fucker has 'Kick Me' written all over him! He's thin, shy, introverted, and Emo! I'd be expecting to see him arriving home rolling down the street stuck into a trashcan if he had glasses to boot" Misato ranted.

"Yet, you fucked him...".

"Well, yeah, a mercy fuck...".

"Misato...".

"What?! Can't I give a poor boy who had just saved us all a good, sweet mercy fuck?".

"Just make sure you don't get too emotionally involved. It's extremely bad to get in romantic relationships with younger co-workers" Dr. Akagi cautioned, and puffed on a cigarette. Then she opened her legs and said, while Misato threw her now empty cup of coffee to the trashcan and headed for the door, "By the way, since you're on your way out, call Maya and tell her to come and give me my morning deep-muffing, okay?".

"Uh, sure, Ritsu".


Tomobiki School (hey, before Furinkan, before Fuuka Gakuen, before Ohtori Academy, before all those, even before Inunabe, there was Tomobiki! And I like the name, okay?):


"Ne, ne, Yomi!" a peppy young girl with short dark brown hair wearing the school's female uniform jumped on another, taller and bustier girl, with glasses and long light brown hair, who was just entering the classroom. "Boy, I do have news for you!!!".

Yomi sighed. "Now what, Tomo?". She tried to shake the annoying, rapid-talking, hyperactive girl off herself. "Don't just tell me you got another angry letter from the Teachers Council, okay?".

"It's nothing like that, BAKA!!!" Tomo protested loudly. Then she assumed a confidencial, whispering tone of voice, and pointed to the back part of the still mostly empty classroom, where a thin young man with short black hair sat alone. Brooding. "We have a newcomer!".

"Looks kinda scrawny. And nerdy" Yomi simply whispered, shrugging her shoulders. "So what?".

"I think that's just some sort of cover..." Tomo lowered her voice even more, in a conspirative manner. "You remember the incident with the giant robot and the Kaiju, right?".

"That was an earthquake" Yomi shot back.

"Yeah, right. Anyway... I think that guy's the pilot of the giant robot... Why else would he be transfered here right after that incident??".

"Tomo, don't be a fatherfuckin' idiot" Yomi clonked her on the head with a fist. "A giant mecha pilot must be a seasoned military expert with tons of training, not a poor scarecrow like that!".

"That's what they want us to think!" Tomo complained, rubbing her head with both hands, and crying a single huge cartoon tear. "But THIS IS ANIME (TM), and in anime, pilots are always teens with emotional baggage and stuff!!".

"Baka" Yomi muttered.

Then a few more students walked in, as the starting bell for the classes rang. The class delegate/representative, a thin and cute brunette with freckles, walked to the front of the classroom and yelled, "Okay, everyone, to your seats! Class' about to begin, and I want you all quiet when Sensei arrives!".

"Bitch..." Tomo mumbled under her breath, as she sat down behind Yomi. "If *I* had won those elections...".

"You only got one vote" Yomi was quick to remind her... again. Only two times more that day, and she'd have fulfilled her daily quote of it.

"I've told you millions of times, I'd have gotten two if I had remembered to vote too" Tomo whispered back.

Right then, the door opened from outside, and in walked a tall, frowning young man followed by a shorter, blond boy with glasses. "Well, Touji Suzuhara, you finally show up again!" the class delegate got in the first boy's way. "And where have you been for the last week's span?".

"Shaddap, Horaki!" the boy with the Osaka accent snapped angrily. He looked all around. "Huh. Why so few people today?".

"It's because people is getting the funk outta here after the giant monster battle" the boy with the glasses replied, taking his seat.

"It was an earthquake" Horaki corrected him.

"Nah, it *was* a monster" Suzuhara grumbled, sitting next to his friend. "I saw it close, when it and dat damn robot fought over our neigborhood destroyin' it all". He looked into Shinji's direction. "By the way, who's the new guy?".

"Beats me" the boy with the glasses shrugged. "Never had seen him before".

Horaki checked her class list. "He's Ikari Shinji, and will start studying with us today".

"Ikari, huh?" Suzuhara lost interest. "Whatever".


Then the door was opened again, and a tiny child with long chocolate hair walked in, sucking on a lollipop, carrying a few stacks of paper and documents tucked under an arm, and wearing a loose yellow dress too long for her, and shoes a few sizes too comically big for her small feet. She waddled her way to her desk, slammed the documents there, and cheerfully, loudly, said, "GOOD MORNING, EVERYONE!!".

"GOOD MORNING, HINAKO-SENSEI!" most of the students chorused. On his seat, Shinji blinked in surprise. Now WTF was that? Giant robots fighting Angels and mind trips with sex with his mother, he could buy that, but a child giving classes to teenagers? Unheard of!

Hours later:

The school's bell rang again, signaling for everyone to go pack up and go back home. While most of the students left, Shinji was left behind thanks to his slow pace. Not that he wasn't in the mood to arrive soon back to the apartment and get another wild night of sex from Misato, but he didn't need to waste any energies before that. God knew he would need them for later...

However, interrupting his broodings, and before he could reach the school's gates, a girl jumped on him from behind and gave him a chokeslam to the ground. "IKARI!" an annoying female voice assaulted him. "ADMIT IT!!".

"GA-AAAKK!!" Shinji gasped hard, waving his arms desperately around. "Okay, okay! Just don't kill me! I tried to resist, but she forced me! And Mom, too! I'm the victim here, honestly!!".

"What the hell are you talking about?!" Tomo applied more pressure on his neck, while behind her, Yomi just shook her head and sighed. "Don't play the dumb here, Mr. Big Shot! Spill the soup about the mecha! I don't care if The Slip of a Lip Sinks Ships, just tell me about the good stuff!!".

"Huh?" Shinji blinked. "H-How do you know about... the EVA??".

"EVA?" Yomi arched her eyebrows.

"A-HA!!" Tomo's eyes shone, thrilled to be right for once at something. "I KNEW IT! SHERLOCK HOUND, CONAN EDOGAWA, EAT YOUR HEART OFF, SUCKERS!".

Yomi slapped her on the head as she crouched down next to them. "Excuse me, hum, Ikari-kun, wasn't it? I'm Mizuhara Yomi, and this numbskull is Takino Tomo...".

"Miss Numbskull Takino Tomo to you!" Tomo snapped angrily. "And Sempai to you!" she spat the words for Shinji.

"Anyway, Ikari-kun" Yomi ignored her. "Is that true? Do you have something to do with that... thing that happened a few days back?".

"Uhhh... I can't say... I mean, I have no idea what are you talking about...".

Tomo applied more pressure to her hold, and Yomi pinched him in the nose.

"YOW! Okay, I'll talk!" Shinji whined. "It's called an Evangelion Prototype, made to fight giant mysterious entities known as Angels, and I cast the moves that makes the things go boom! (1) And I screwed my commanding official! Other than that, I don't know anything! I swear!".

Tomo finally let him go, grinning hugely. "Wow...!!! That's so fantabulous! I knew you couldn't be so pathetic and sad without having something else to you, or you'd have sliced your veins long ago!".

"Uh, I tried once, you know...".

Then, however, a gruffer, manlier voice (not that it was too hard to top Shinji's in that regard; even Tomo sounded like Mr. Universe compared to him) interrupted them, coming from behind them. "So, it was YOU!!".

They all looked up to see Touji Suzuhara, fuming in anger, standing there, his fists balled up. Behind him, his friend with the glasses readied a videocamera, grinning and saying, "Alright! another snuff movie for my collection!".

"Ya RAT!" Touji grabbed Shinji by the collar and pulled him up, spitting on his face, "Ya reckless driver!! Were ya drunk, drugged, or what the shit?! Ya went an' destroyed our house in yer fight, moron! Ya sent my sister an' my canary to the hospital! An' poor Tweety didn't deserve it!!".

"It wasn't me! The thing just went wild and did it all itself!" Shinji screamed in terror. "Honestly, it happens all the time!".

"Shut yer trap up!" Touji belted him a good punch across the face.

"Kensuke!" Yomi turned to the blond filming the action. "Tell him to stop! The last thing we need is another School Board inquiry!".

"Hey, remember, the last time I tried, I had this baby..." he tapped on the camera, "stuck down my throat. And I was promised the ass for the next time...".

"Ya irresponsible fool!" Touji shook Shinji like a ragdoll until the poor guy gained trademark anime spirals replacing eyes (also TM). "You sent the most important part of my life to Urgencies! And my sister too! Why, I should--".

"STOP!" A... flying yo-yo hit Touji in the face, sending him stumbling back and falling on his butt. The others all turned to see a 13-years old girl with long red hair and a red bow on her head, and reddish huge eyes, drawing the yo-yo back to her right hand. "If what we've just heard is true, this boy is... is...". Big cartoon hearts appeared on her face replacing her eyes, "... A HERO! Like the ones from Sentai!! SQUEEE!!". She rushed to Shinji's side and hugged him tightly, cracking a few ribs. "Oh, Ikari-sempai, thank you so much for saving the city and Everlasting World Peace (TM and C: Capcom)! I'm Akatsutsumi Momoko, President of Tomobiki's School Unhealthy Hero Worship Club! Pleased to meet you! Can I do something else for you? Do your chores? Make you breakfast for tomorrow? Do your homework? Be your girlfriend? More importantly, can you get me a giant robot of my own?".

"Hnnnn" Tomo frowned. "Go figure. The only girl in the school crazier than me, and she had to outdo me in our first appearance already...".

"It could be worse" Horaki Hikari peeked in from behind her. "At least you got more than a meager cameo like mine".

(Keiichi Morisato's sidenote: Hey, and what about me? I didn't even show up at all in this episode!).

Even later...

Misato Katsuragi heard the front door's bell ringing, grinned to herself, and ran for her door, opening it for Shinji. She posed there seductively for him, striking in only her black racy lingerie, as the tired boy dragged his feet inside.

"Oooooohh..." She kissed him on the black mark around his left eye. "Poor widdle baby. You got bullied today? (Misato's mental note: HAH! I won the bet, Ritsu! Those five hundred yens are MINE!). Let's make you feel better with some love...". She lowered her kisses to his mouth, and closed the door behind him without letting him go.

Shinji just sighed in his mind, and let himself go with the flow, grabbing her buttocks tightly.

At the same time...

Touji Suzuhara arrived to his wrecked home, passing through a hole in a wall, mumbling bitterly to himself. Stupid Momoko otaku, stopping him from giving Ikari some more of his just desserts. If only she didn't have such a convincing kick to the nuts, he'd have shown her a thing or two...

Then, the phone rang. He picked it up.

"Yeah?".

"Touji?". His father's voice at the end of the line was serious. Dead serious. "Touji, you must be strong. It's... it's about Tweety, Touji...".

A few moments later, a loud, desperate Pedro-esque scream of "TWEETY! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" shook the whole devastated neighborhood...



Next Episode Preview:


Hentai Strikes Back!

A trip to the public pools!

Swimsuits!

The first appearance of Belldandy's sister, Urd!

Miss Hinako's adult form!

Group sex!

A new Angel attacks!

Part 1 of a more-exciting-than-this-dud 2-part story!

Be there!

(1) You have read 8-Bit Theater, haven't you?