The Killer in You

Chapter 61: Decision


For a long moment the only sound in the room was the barely audible tapping of L’s toes against the leather cushions of his armchair. Soichiro Yagami stared at his son, occasionally casting a glance at the detective. Matsuda ruffled his hair and Mogi and Aizawa were perfectly still. Ryuk could feel the tension squeezing the room even here, in the tight hole of his hideout.

“I also can’t be a reliable judge here,” the chief finally said. “Light is my son, I would save him at all costs.”

“Yes, I agree, Yagami-san’s voice shouldn’t be considered in this discussion either.”

“But I don’t understand,” Matsuda put in. “Why didn’t you simply consult that with us instead of making this show in front of all those people?”

For a short moment L regarded the young officer almost condescendingly. “That would be because you didn’t believe Light-kun and Misa Amane were Kira in the first place. I needed to prove it to you first.”

“Oh, yes, I’m sorry, stupid question.” Matsuda scratched his head, embarrassed, then he suddenly leapt up. “Oh dear, Misa-Misa! She is still in her cell. She lost her memories. She might have waked up already… or maybe she didn’t pass out at all. She must be confused. Someone should go check her out!”

“Calm down, Matsuda-san. Watari keeps an eye on her. She will be all right. Please, sit down and let’s discuss it.”

So Matsuda slumped onto the couch again and after a moment came back to ruffling his hair.

“To be honest,” L took on, “With this other Death Note we retrieved there were some ways I could prove Light and Misa’s guilt to you beforehand. But since the test has been started thirteen days ago, we would still have to put up this performance and – if you decided to clear Light and Misa – Tomagoshi would have to die anyway. I was afraid you’d start your moral rant again and more than that, I wanted your reactions to be sincere. Would you be able to give such a show of joy like you did if you knew that Light actually was Kira?”

They hummed in reluctant agreement.

“There is one more thing I don’t get,” Aizawa mused. “Why would Light spare you? It seems extremely illogical. For him you were the worst person to be spared. If he wanted to fight Kira in himself, he could…”

“That’s not it, Aizawa-san,” Ryuzaki interrupted. As many times as Ryuk saw the detective, he’d never suspected that the man can blush. He could. And on his pale skin it was glaringly visible. “The reasons why he didn’t kill me are more personal. I think Light spared me, because… well, he likes me.”

A few loud gasps again.

“He likes you? You don’t mean, em—” Soichiro’s voice stuck in his throat.

L’s cheeks were positively burning now. “What I mean is that when two people live together for three months, it’s natural that they become… close. And me and Light were always on the same wavelenght in the first place. That is another reason why I said I might not be objective judging him.”

For a long moment the chief stared at his son with a frown, but if there was anything he wanted to ask or say, he left it for himself. L apparently didn’t feel like explaining himself further either. He sat, silently sipping his tea, waiting for their decision. Finally Mogi spoke:

“If we decide that Light-kun is guilty and you confirm everything, you might be in trouble. They may charge you for concealing the truth.”

“Yes. And for killing the convict.” L’s gaze was fixed firmly on his tea. “Actually, I could be called an accomplice at the moment. But I don’t think it will be that bad, most likely the consequences will be mild, if any.”

Mogi grumbled his acknowledgment, lowered his head and for a few moments scratched it thoughtfully. Finally, he looked up and spoke decisively. “I think Ryuzaki is right. It’s unfair to punish Light. Light is a good person, it was Kira who was evil, and Kira was destroyed. Light may have some traits Ryuzaki mentioned, but you don’t punish people for superiority complex or even psychopathy, all the more, sentence them to death for that. And of course, same goes for Misa-Misa.”

Soichiro raised his eyes on the big man, as if he wanted to praise him to the skies.

“That’s right!” Matsuda exclaimed, clearly relieved. “Light, real Light is good, we all know him. Plus, he is a great hope of NPA, isn’t that what the boss said? We can’t waste such a talent!”

Ryuzaki’s eyes went to the last policeman. “Aizawa-san?”

Aizawa looked somewhat skeptically.

“Actually, we can’t be sure that Rem really told you what you told us. Considering that you two… like each other you could have lied.”

“Yes, that is correct,” L admitted. “All you can do is trust my words. But I am not lying.”

“Oh, come on, Aizawa!” Matsuda protested. “Ryuzaki was so set to catch Kira that he would never lie in this matter.”

Ryuzaki gave them a wry smile. “Exactly.”

Aizawa sighed. “Nah, I don’t believe he is lying either. The truth is, I think that if there was some preferential punishment possible, it would be the best option. Completely absolving them doesn’t seem fair. But since people from the Interpol and FBI will probably put Rem’s existence among fairy-tales, if they sentence Light and Misa, it can be only one sentence.”

“Yes,” Ryuzaki nodded, “most likely.”

“And in that case we can’t allow it.”

L closed his eyes and breathed deeply, relief for the first time visible on his face.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

“But will it be completely safe to just let Light out of sight? Perhaps it will be with Misa. She admires Kira, but it’s because Kira killed the killer of her parents. But with Light… can we be so sure that there is no threat?”

L nodded and took a long sip, then raised his eyes on them again. “Yes, that’s exactly what I have been thinking. And actually I have an idea. But I need to know your opinion in one more matter. When Light-kun wakes up, he won’t have his memories again and since he won’t be punished after all, perhaps it would be easier to leave things like that. However, I’d like to tell him that he was Kira.”

Ryuk watched all this and wanted to assume his usual mocking tone. Wanted to chuckle at them and say with his usual sardonic distance that people were interesting, but somehow he couldn’t. People were interesting. That was interesting, but all his irony vanished without a trace all of a sudden and he couldn’t find it anywhere. He was suddenly suffocating, crumpled in the tight ventilation shaft. It was just an illusion. A shinigami couldn’t suffocate, a shinigami couldn’t be limited by any physical barrier. He could stretch his legs and hands anytime. But the feeling was most real. Suddenly he felt an urge to be outside, to feel the space around him. Without thinking, he turned, unfolded his wings and launched through the walls of the building, leaving the humans alone.

* * *
“Watari, is Amane still unconscious?”

“Yes Ryuzaki,” answered the old man over the comm. “Should I move her to her old quarters as we discussed?”

“Yes, please. We don’t want her to wake up in the cell and start wondering what she is doing there.”

“Very well, sir, I will do it right now.”

Just as Watari disconnected, L felt a hand being rested on his shoulder. He glanced up to see Soichiro Yagami looking at him with a strange expression.

“Ryuzaki, I wanted to thank you. What you did for my son is… more than I could ever imagine. And to think that I claimed that you had it in for Light.”

L gave him a reassuring smile. “What Light did for me, Yagami-san, is much more.”

“Perhaps. But Light was wrong, you can’t compare it. He in fact only resisted the evil that corrupted him. You, on the other hand…” The chief took a breath. “I was unfair accusing you, Ryuzaki. I am sorry.”

“That’s all right. Light is your son after all, it’s natural that you tried to protect him.”

Soichiro’s hand clenched on his shoulder. The policeman tightened his lips. “Yes. I… thank you again.”

L nodded, accepting it.

“Yagami-san… about Light liking me…”

“You don’t have to tell me,” the chief interrupted. “If there’s anything more than friendship between you two… perhaps I’m not very happy about it, but I don’t really mind it either. After all,” he smiled crookedly, “I never saw such a good match.” He looked as if he wanted to say something more, but couldn’t. Or didn’t find words. He blinked a few times and motioned to go, but then stopped and he looked at L again. “Ryuzaki, haven’t you ever… I mean, maybe you’d drop in on my place for a dinner sometimes. Now, that everyone will go back to their houses, this place will be very empty. My wife is a great cook. She makes wonderful cakes, you know.”

L stared at Soichiro, dumbfounded. Considering his lifestyle, he was hardly ever invited to people’s houses on an informal occasion. No, actually it was never. Because there were simply no people who could invite him.

“You mean, like a dinner with your family?” he asked to make sure.

“Well yes. You know, me, Sachiko, you kids…”

You kids? L felt his eyes grow even wider. Did the chief even realize what he had just said? But at the same time a warm feeling poured into him and spread over his body with a comforting wave.

“Is Watari invited too?” he asked.

Soichiro smiled. “Yes, why not?”

Ryuzaki couldn’t help but smile in return. “I’ll be pleased to come, Yagami-san.”

* * *
He opened his eyes into the vague feeling of confusion, at first thinking that he was awakening from a dream… but that moment was very short. He came round too abruptly, without the typical sleepy feeling that made you want to come back to the wonderland. He was at once fully awake and aware of many things that suggested something else that waking up in the morning. The room was not his room, he’d never been here before. It was brightly lit and looked somewhat like a consulting room. He was lying on was a couch, not in bed, fully dressed and there was a face hovering over him. The face with huge, black-rimmed eyes without a gleam.

L sat on the edge of the couch. Over his shoulder Light saw yet another person – his father, standing behind the detective and looking down at him with a concerned face.

“How are you feeling, Light?” Ryuzaki asked.

Strange words to say ‘hello’. Answering ‘okay’ somehow didn’t fit either. It was not what he was feeling. Something was wrong.

“I don’t know,” his voice came out as a murmur. “What’s this place?”

“A medical bay.”

“A medical bay?” He didn’t even know that the headquarters had one. “What happened?”

“You fainted,” his dad said.

Light raised his brows. “Fainted? How?”

“What do you remember?”

Light frowned, trying to find in his mind the last moment he’d memorized. What he found was some blurry mess he couldn’t place or grasp. Some trial… They were trying to prove something. What? Kira’s identity. There were those guys from the FBI and ICPO, and that guy in the prison, who died. He was also there, and he was… wait…

“I was suspected again,” he blurted out, although his voice was still just a murmur. “There was this trial and I was there as a suspect. And then… I don’t know.” His hand grabbed the sleeve of L’s shirt. “Why was I suspected again?”

Ryuzaki sighed and for a moment stared at him silently, then he turned around to glance at his father. Soichiro nodded and Ryuzaki’s gaze came back to Light.

“I guess there’s no other way to tell you, but straight. It has been proved that you were Kira, Light. There is no longer any doubt about it.”

“What?!” He twitched abruptly at these words. What was this? Another of Ryuzaki’s tricks? Why did this guy kept nudging him like that? This guy of all the people… Light’s gaze found his father. “Dad?”

But Soichiro’s eyes were sad. The chief lowered his head. “I am sorry, son, but that’s true.”

It couldn’t be, no, it couldn’t! Something clenched inside him and made it hard to breathe. His father wouldn’t deceive him about something like this, would he? If there was anyone he could trust in this matter it was his father. But then, his father had deceived him about it once before. Were they plotting something again? What were they trying to prove?

“Impossible,” he gasped. “It can’t be. I’m sure I am not…”

“Light,” Soichiro interrupted. “Do you remember Ryuzaki’s theory about losing memories?”

Light felt his eyes going wide. He blinked a few times as he recalled L’s assumptions about passing the Death Note ownership. Indeed. He did have holes in his memory. Why did he have holes in his memory? His confusion slowly turned into terror as realization hit him.

Soichiro’s hand rested on L’s shoulder. “Ryuzaki, I will leave you two alone now.”

The detective nodded minutely. “Yes.”

“Light,” the chief turned to him, “it may sound strange at this moment, but don’t worry. Listen carefully to what Ryuzaki has to tell you. It will be alright.”

With that, he moved to leave. Light wanted to stop him, wanted to call after him, but he suddenly didn’t dare, suddenly the shame was too strong to speak. The door swooshed closed, cutting the chief off from view. Light’s gaze went back to Ryuzaki and he realized that he was still clenching the sleeve of the detective’s shirt. He unclenched his hand, but didn’t feel like sitting up. The air over him was too heavy.

He slumped his head back on the thin mattress and closed his eyes. Ryuzaki remained silent, apparently sensing that he needed a moment. Now, that the confusion faded, his mind started to work again. And with that more details surfaced. Memories of him being detained, moments before the detention, strange feeling of despair, the shinigami, a name, Ryuzaki’s real name. L Lawliet. Wait… a name? How the hell did he know it? How could he know it? And then came more, and it was the worst. Efforts to write this name, complete inability to do it, sudden disgust at himself… It opened connections to something else, as if there was more, hidden deep in his memory… but they faded halfway, leaving him with the feeling of loss and frustration.

Oh God. All those things would suggest that he really was… that mass murderer – him? He couldn’t believe it. Yet, it had to be it. He suddenly felt sick.

His despair must have been visible on his face because a hand touched his wrist.

“Light, are you alright?”

“No, I am not,” he snapped. “How can I be alright?”

“Yes, quite right.” Wryly. “Have you remembered something more?”

He slowly opened his eyes. He hesitated. Should he reveal it? Revealing it would be in fact admitting his guilt, admitting that he really was Kira. His instinct of self-preservation protested at that. He didn’t want to die, he had a deep inside feeling that he didn’t deserve it, that it, by no means, could be him. But the rest of him was repulsed by the discovery and demanded… justice. If he indeed was Kira, he should admit it and face consequences.

“Not much,” he forced his voice through his throat. “Scraps. But I remember… your name. The real one. And that I tried to write it. But I couldn’t.”

L frowned. “You remember my name?”

He nodded. The black depths of L’s eyes regarded him curiously for a while, as the detective’s thumb rose to his mouth.

“That’s strange. According to my theory you shouldn’t remember any of these.”

“Maybe… maybe it’s because I started to have doubts. What I remember are doubts, the moments when I thought like I do now. This other thinking… I don’t remember anything of that.”

Ryuzaki’s head tilted. “Yes, that’s possible. But actually I am glad that you retained some memories. I wouldn’t want to lead you to believe in things. This way it’s much better.”

Light bit his lip, gearing up for another question.

“So, what now? I know what awaits me. When will they… take me away.”

The detective gave him a sad smile. “Nobody will take you away, Light. Don’t worry. Nothing like that will happen to you.”

He frowned, not understanding. “What do you mean?”

“I managed to convince the guys from the FBI and ICPO that you are innocent. Only the people who worked in this building know the truth.”

Light stared at him incredulously. “How come?”

“Oh well, I guess I’ll have to retell this once again.”

L’s words gave him more flashbacks and thus caused even more revulsion. But then there was more, some bits of the history of the Death Note and this brought relief. The sickening feeling eased a little. If he really had been subjected to some outward power, if the notebook really corrupted, then maybe it wasn’t all that bad. Maybe he wasn’t such a monster after all. Still, the load hadn’t been taken off, it was only lighter.

“So why are you telling me all this?” he asked, when Ryuzaki finished. “Since you decided not to give me away, wouldn’t you rather leave me unaware?”

“You are too intelligent to leave you unaware. You were a part of this team, and having heard that the case was solved, you would try to know what happened. We wouldn’t be able to lie to you too much with all the things you already know. You would start analyzing and sooner or later discover the truth. Most likely it would be sooner. I deem it more dangerous than simply telling you everything. But more than that, I have a plan concerning you and with that, I don’t want any ambiguity between us. We agreed that we don’t want to simply let you out of sight. And with your amazing investigative skills you could work with me from now on. We think alike. A partner like you would increase L’s efficiency by some 80%. We would also have support from some people of the NPA, starting with your father. We would all keep an eye on you and if anything happens, we would notice.”

“I see,” Light breathed. “And I would have a chance to make up for what I did, at least partially.”

“You could say so. In fact, I shouldn’t use conjecture here, as this is not an offer you can reject. For you this is a must, Light.”

“Alright,” Light agreed easily. He wouldn’t reject it even if he could. He simply liked the prospect. The detective work was something he always dreamt of and working with L seemed much more interesting than working for the NPA. Who would have thought… His only punishment for being Kira was something like that. Something that actually presented a nice vision of the future. He was one lucky guy.

“What about my life? You know, university, home… will you cuff yourself to me again, keep me locked in here?” He was surprised, hearing a hint of a joke in his voice.

L smirked quietly. “Don’t tempt me.” And when Light dared a smile, he continued. “No, you can live a normal life from now on. Move back to your home, continue studies. I don’t think cuffs will be necessary anymore.”

Pity, Light thought wryly, but didn’t dare to say it.

“Ryuzaki, why are you doing all this for me?” he asked. “You wanted to catch Kira at all costs and now you’re giving it all up.”

“I am not giving it up. I did catch Kira. And I killed Kira. Killing you would be a wrong solution. That was the trap in this puzzle. Actually, you helped me a great deal. If it wasn’t for you…” he shook his head. “If I were to be cynical, I’d say you are an extreme case of how a criminal can convert.”

Light snorted bitterly. “Oh yes. And you chose an extreme way to prove me that Kira was wrong.”

L shrugged and left it without a comment. “But the more important question is, why did you do it for me?”

Light frowned, considering it. Pictures of himself and L – pictures that made him blush – appeared in his mind. Those he remembered with crystal clarity. Those he would never forget.

“I think you know why,” he whispered.

“Are you saying that you care for me? That much? Light, you practically sentenced yourself to death.”

Light gave a slight shrug, for some reason feeling stupid. “I can’t tell you details now, my memory is like a sieve, but… I remember my frustration. I remember how my hand simply wouldn’t move when I tried to write your name. I wanted to… and I just couldn’t.”

He cared for Ryuzaki? No, he loved Ryuzaki. With no girl ever, even if he was intimate with them, had he felt like this. He loved and desired this sloppy guy and that didn’t change no matter if he was Kira or not.

A small smile rose on L’s shapely lips. “I am glad to hear that.”

“So, Ryuzaki… L, how do you feel about me?”

“How do I feel?” A deep sigh. Then L bent down to him and kissed him with a long, gentle kiss.

* * *
Ryuk watched from his place on the top of the cupboard how Light’s hands wrapped around the detective and heard an amazed growl escaping his own throat. So, the talk about liking wasn’t just a babble, it really meant what it seemed to mean. Well, well, who would have thought! Mr. Popular female-heart-breaker, getting together with a guy. Poor ladies. Poor Misa…

After a few minutes of flying over the city Ryuk felt refreshed and back in his good mood, so he chuckled happily looking at the couple. Fascinating, truly fascinating. He savored the sight, dangling his legs over the ground, enjoying sitting here, instead of hiding in the wall. The Death Note was destroyed, they couldn’t see him anymore. He hadn’t been completely sure they wouldn’t, after all there was this last piece L wrote the name on, he didn’t know which Note it came from and whether it was eventually destroyed as well. But even if they saw him, what could they do? He would just wiggle his hand at them and say: ‘Hey there, I’m Ryuk, in case you don’t know. Just dropped in to say goodbye.’

Yes, Ryuk knew it was time to finish his adventure in the human world. Things found their conclusion. As much as he could spoil it, drop another Death Note at Light’s feet, he didn’t feel like doing it. At least not now. It was… nice what came out, everything falling neatly into place. Ryuk liked nice endings, they were so fulfilling. Messing with it would ruin it. He could as well leave and relish it for a while, and when boredom gets to his guts again… well, he’d think about it later.

But I’ll be watching you, Light. And maybe, just maybe, one day we’ll meet again.

Beneath, Light stirred suddenly under L’s kiss and gently pushed on the detective’s shoulders, parting them. Ryuzaki lifted himself a little.

“What is it?”

“I just remembered one thing. My watch. There’s a compartment inside it. I guess… I might have hidden a piece of the Death Note there. It should be gotten rid of. You do it, I don’t want to touch that thing anymore.”

Ryuk winced with distaste. Sooo correct.

“So, that’s where you kept it.” Ryuzaki sat up and gnawing thoughtfully at his thumb watched as Light fiddled with his watch. A little plate sprang out from under the dial, revealing a piece of paper hidden inside.

Oops!… it was time to take off. Ryuk had no idea whether they would see him after touching this particular piece, but he’d rather avoid it after all. Just as L reached for the paper, the shinigami spread his wings and floated up from his seat. In the last moment he heard Ryuzaki’s shocked words:

“‘Chokes on a candy?’ That’s cruel!”

Amused with that punch line, Ryuk shot through the ceiling, chuckling to himself.

* * *
“Eeek!” Misa whined. “Why do we have to go with him? Can’t he leave us alone?”

“I thought we’d agreed on that, Misa. You said you don’t mind Ryuzaki going with us.”

“Maybe I didn’t mind then, but I do now,” the girl stuck out her lip unhappily and a little too dramatically to take her seriously. “It’s really outrageous, Light, that you chose this… queer over me.”

Ryuzaki turned his head away and pretended to watch someone on the pavement across the street. Light stifled the urge to roll his eyes.

“I am meeting with you, aren’t I? You know the deal. If you want me to meet with you, you have to accept Ryuzaki. Sometimes we will go out without him, but not very often. And besides, put yourself in his position. He has to accept you too. And he isn’t complaining.”

L turned to them swiftly and flashed Misa a grin. “In fact, Misa-san, I am glad that you join us sometimes. I appreciate your company very much.”

She was positively boiling now. She stopped, stamping her wedge-heeled shoe. “It’s because you’re getting the better part of it! And I have to tolerate a man glued to my Light! You are male, Ryuzaki, that’s perverted!”

“Stereotypes, stereotypes,” L hummed.

Light did roll his eyes eventually. Why had he agreed to that? He remembered that talk he had with L a few days ago.

“I really think you shouldn’t break up with Misa. The girl loves you madly. She’ll be devastated.”

“So? I don’t love her! I don’t even have anything in common with her. Besides, I’m with you now. How do you imagine me going out with her?”

Ryuzaki shrugged. “You can meet her as a friend… you can even pretend a bit to be her boyfriend. It will put her in good mood. I am tolerant, you know. I won’t even mind if you kiss her sometimes. Come on, Light, you like her.”

“I don’t. She is stupid.” In the back of his mind Light knew that he was sulking like a kid, but he didn’t care.

Ryuzaki waved a finger in front of him. “No, she isn’t. She is not half as stupid as she seems and you know it. She showed it many times during the Kira case. And you do like her.”

Light felt that he was breaking. “Oh, well, maybe a little.”

“See?” L grinned at him. “No reason to make the girl unhappy. Besides, she might be helpful to us. She is a great actress, it can come in handy to be on good terms with her.”

Light folded his arms on his chest. “So, that’s what you are up to, you snake!”

Ryuzaki pursed his lips, while his eyes went to stare at the ceiling. “Well, partly. But I really think it’s bad to throw her away like that.”

In effect, Light had to endure Misa’s company from time to time… quite often actually. And he had to be careful not to speak about Kira with her, as the girl was kept blissfully ignorant to the part she’d once played. Strangely enough, she took his relationship with Ryuzaki quite easily. Probably because she believed he would dump the detective for her soon. Well, let her, that was not going to happen.

They got to the café and took a table for three. Ryuzaki announced that he was buying and soon a big piece of cake landed in front of each of them.

“Besides,” L took on, “Misa said she was my friend. Aren’t you enjoying meeting with a friend, Misa-Misa?”

Misa was poking her cake with a fork. “Misa can’t be a friend of someone who stole her boyfriend. I really thought it would end once you take off those stupid cuffs. But instead of being here with Light alone, as would be right, I have to put up with you.”

Light watched her silently while she argued with L. Of course, she wasn’t happy about the situation, but it was clear that she wasn’t as unhappy as she claimed to be. Actually, he decided, the pout she threw at L was somewhat coquettish. L pouted as well.

“Does that mean that Misa-Misa doesn’t like me anymore?” He batted his oversized eyes at her comically.

Misa winced and kept wincing for a long moment. Then she sighed.

“Well, yeah, maybe I do. A little.” Then she aimed a finger at him. “But don’t you even start to think that if I’m dating Light, I’m dating you too. Oh no! That should never even cross your mind.”

Ryuzaki’s face turned miserable at one moment and the next, it was wickedly thoughtful. He stuck a thumb between his lips and leaned to her a little. “It didn’t. Actually, it crossed your mind, Misa-san.”

Misa puffed offendedly and Light sighed, shifting his gaze from her to Ryuzaki and back. He just knew life wasn’t going to be easy for him in who knows how long.


This concludes the alternative story of the Death Note