And When The Sun Goes Down
Nighttime Confessions
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Disclaimer – I do not
own or profit from Saiyuki. So if you’re
looking for money, you’re barking up the wrong tree here, buddy.
Rated
R for slash, darkness, blah, blah, blah.
And no, we still haven’t quite
earned our ‘R’ rating yet. Are you
honestly surprised? ^_~
Contains
a reference or two to Gaiden that could be considered a SPOILER.
Another
hug to everyone, for being so amazingly cool.
Also, this is
dedicated to
color:black'>Keiran
color:black'>, for leaving me such a glowing review at fanfiction.net that I
nearly cried. From the bottom of my
heart, thank you.
Chapter Summary: In which
Goku steps up to the plate, and Hakkai realizes that upsetting Goku = imminent
death...
Anyway, enjoy.
***
And When The Sun Goes Down
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Chapter Seven: Nighttime Confessions
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Arial'>***
Two days later, and it was almost time to leave; Hakkai
could feel it in the air, though no one mentioned any travel plans to him.
only one to sit with him – Sanzo never returned, and Goku had never visited at
all. He only knew how they were when he
begged information from a hesitant (increasingly so, distressingly so) Gojyo.
So Hakkai had spent yet another fitful day going in and out
of sleep (not much else to do when you couldn’t move, and had only sporadic visits
of varying length from a strangely morose kappa for company), going from
nightmare to nightmare without end. It
seemed he dreamed whenever he closed his eyes, and always of blood, of pain and
death and crimson-drenched violets...
He couldn’t tell, half the time, when he was dreaming or not
anymore; the easiest way to figure it out was to judge how ‘real’ something
felt. And he was always grateful,
absurdly, pathetically so, when the blood never turned out quite ‘real’ enough
(though it was still almost always enough to wake him up wheezing and gasping
for air)...
So he tossed and turned during the day, tossed and turned
even more at night. And it was sometime
during the night that Hakkai only knew he’d fallen back asleep when he was
brutally awoken by a heavy weight settling on his chest.
thing that unlike all the others he didn’t need to be free to fight, because he
was still bound but he needn’t be unbound to gather his chi-
Which he promptly let evaporate, when he realized it was
Goku straddling his chest.
“G-goku,” he whispered, wondering
briefly if he was dreaming, “what’re you...”
Golden eyes gleamed down at him; furious,
betrayed, hurting.
no dream, then.
“D’you know
what you did?” Goku admonished; he
probably intended to be stern, but it came out rather petulant and surly, like
a child, instead. Hakkai, though, was
too guilt-ridden and sorry to be
amused.
“Yes,” he began, “I’m so sorry
Go-”
“Shuddup.”
He shut up. Goku glared
down at him.
“You don’t know,”
he went on, eyes gleaming now from more than just the moonlight filtering in
through the windows. “You can’t.
Hakkai thought Goku’s abrupt silence meant he was done
talking, lost in his own little world.
While the latter was true, he kept up a running commentary of his
thoughts all the same, and Hakkai couldn’t help but wonder if, even distracted
by whatever pain this was (that he
had caused), Goku didn’t fully intend for him to hear every strangled word...
“He won’t even look
at me.” No need for clarification on
Gojyo’s there, and if Gojyo’s not
there he walks outta the room.
“Not of you,”
Hakkai couldn’t even try to hold the
whisper back; wasn’t even sure he wanted
to. “
“Cripes, you shut up too!”
Goku leaned down towards him, and even though he’d been bound tight for
days only then did Hakkai begin to
feel even remotely vulnerable.
“I’m not a kid!”
didn’t have the energy. And besides
which, he wanted to hear what Goku had to say...
“Sanzo thinks I am,” Goku went on darkly.
to. He got over that, I dunno
how... But then you happened, and now Sanzo’s flippin’ out, and I hate it and it’s
all your fault and God!”
the quick.
“Since when d’ya hate me, Hakkai?”
“Hate you?” Hakkai
asked, incredulity flooding over even his intense, all-consuming guilt.
“Then why ruin
this for me?” Goku’s cry was wrung right
out of his heart, and it showed. Hakkai
flinched back from the brutal honesty of Goku’s emotions; though he’d never
admitted it even to himself, that much honesty frightened him to his very
core...
“Why?” Goku was
trembling; Hakkai knew, then, without a doubt, that the added glisten in those
golden eyes was unquestionably from withheld tears.
you did, ‘cause he was fine, he was finally accepting
me until that night and now everything’s changed-”
“All I said,” Hakkai said slowly, because his memory of his
own words was hazy at best, “all I did, was tell him what I... what I thought
he needed to hear.” (
I called Sanzo a whore.)
I can’t imagine he finally started to listen...” (‘Priests
“Well, he did,”
Goku ground out, temper obviously flaring.
“And now I’ve gotta fix it,
only I don’t know how.
“Maybe...” Hakkai
paused thoughtfully, but he had to
say it; his conscience would not let him do otherwise.
Those golden eyes glimmered with rage, renewed pain – no,
not renewed. Hakkai knew it had never
really gone away at all.
“You wanna know what the sad part is?” Goku asked, still
staring straight into his eyes (he was
never one to flinch away from anything, even a murderer’s gaze; besides which,
the habit of murder was a habit they shared – nothing to be frightened of).
“If I wanted advice on Sanzo, I was gonna come to you.”
Hakkai winced with sudden pain, but Goku just kept talking,
the flow of his words a poison he was releasing from his system-
And it was entering Hakkai’s.
knew needed no more poison, as it had more than enough of its own.
“I trusted you. I
thought, if anyone’d understand what I was gonna try and have, it’d be
You’re not like the stupid cockroach – you’ve been happy before. And you
ya did. So I thought, ‘
“Goku,” Hakkai whispered, nearly blinded by the grief, the
added guilt, “I really think... I
“S’not like he’s a
lip pushed out, and the deliberately childlike expression was strangely comforting
in its normalcy – and only strengthened Hakkai’s resolve.
But before he could speak, Goku went on, his voice drowning
Hakkai in images, feelings...
“And anyway, that ain’t how it happened.
kissed him.
***
It was a very cold
night. Not that Sanzo minded
he was probably used to it. Or so Goku
thought.
Goku
thought a lot of things, mostly involving food or his ‘master’ – or some
combination thereof.
explicit dream involving Sanzo, a bed (because he loved to sleep, too,
especially on an actual
had been denied him repeatedly on this journey, when he first came to live with
Sanzo at the temple, and for five hundred years besides), and a bowl of cool
whipped cream that had perfectly complimented the flavor, texture, and heat
But right then, what
he was thinking was that it was freezing outside, with the rain pouring down
and the wind practically howling and the occasional crack of thunder to help
make things just a tad more creepy, and Sanzo had been just so focused
long. Goku wanted to make him feel
funk Sanzo always sank into when the rain was falling...
Though he’d never say
it to Sanzo, who he feared might take it as a personal offense, Goku rather
liked the rain. Okay, not this
and forced him to stay (trapped)
inside - but he sometimes daydreamed about a time in the future when he’d
somehow (finally) gotten Sanzo to
relax, to walk with him in the softly falling rain...
It would never happen,
but it was a nice dream all the same.
The only bad thing
about the rain, of course, was that it blocked out the sun.
He’d tried, in these
two days they had been waiting for the weather to finally get
space, to let him sort through his problems on his own, like he always
did. But he found he couldn’t do that
any longer.
Not if he and Sanzo
were going to attempt this drastic change in their relationship (which he’d
decided they would; he was still trying to think of the best way to break that
news to Sanzo). Not if he wanted to be
worthy of his sun’s trust.
Because sometimes, you
had to do what you knew was right, even if someone else didn’t want you
to. Even if they resented you for it, or
hit you with a paper fan. Or shot at you.
And besides, Sanzo was
smart. He’d realize Goku was right, in
the end, to not leave him to his moping.
He’d see. He’d never admit it
All the same, Goku
stepped forward hesitantly – the last time he had tried to help Sanzo during
the rain, it had gone badly.
“Sanzo,” he whispered,
coming ever closer even though Sanzo didn’t even have to move
very aura cried out fuck off and
leave me alone! louder
But Goku couldn’t help
the intrusion. He was too involved in
this, now, to continue to let Sanzo suffer all on his own.
He stopped beside
Sanzo, gently reached out and grasped one slender shoulder, feeling the slim muscle
tense beneath his palm, bone jutting into his hand.
only he didn’t really think he was – Sanzo was perfect, just as he was, because
whatever he was was
It made perfect sense
to Goku, though he wasn’t completely sure anyone else would see it that way.
(Still, it was
comforting – the sun was constant, and warm, and Sanzo being Sanzo was
cold.)
Sanzo abruptly jerked away
from his hand, violet eyes finally meeting his, warning him off and condemning
him, too. Then one slender hand was
lifting, probably to shove him away because despite Sanzo’s foul temper and
utter lack of patience at times, he never struck Goku with his open hand (that
was abuse, and monkeys needed
training, not abuse), and Goku caught the lifted hand and held it to his lips.
Sanzo’s eyes were
almost comically wide.
And inside himself,
Goku beamed – this was right
Just as he’d known it would be.
I can love you, he
wanted to say. You’ve lost before,
but that was then, and I can love you.
Sanzo, after a minute
of stunned acquiesce, yanked his hand away.
If you’d just let me.
“Get out,” Sanzo
muttered, but there was no breath in his voice, no force behind the reprimand
of his words. Goku stood resolutely
still, feeling some weird something
inside himself continue to open up, to grow.
never be free of that little
inside him, that wanted Sanzo so badly he felt like whimpering
hunger was almost overwhelming.
He always was a hungry
little monkey.
“I can’t,” he said
thickly, feeling heat rise in the room though nothing in the air had
changed. And Sanzo was just looking
only in his dreams, and now that it was real he didn’t know what
Goku felt the same
way.
But deep down, he
knew, he could feel, that this had
been written for them long, long ago; this drama was theirs from centuries
before, and only now was it able to come to life.
(A god smiled down at a child, the only person to ever make
him feel, and if things were
different, if the child were older and the god more self-aware, they might have
grown to lovers – but before the child can grow up and the god grow inward, the
god will die, and the child will be cast from Heaven, cursed to wait for the
god he has forgotten to finally hear him calling.)
He drew closer, knew
Sanzo would have recoiled if he’d had anywhere to go.
good I’ve got ya trapped, so you’re not ashamed.) He reached out, carefully
tracing Sanzo’s strong jaw beneath his fingertips.
darkening of already (passion-darkened) eyes, he ever-so-gently tilted Sanzo’s
face up.
Sanzo was staring at
him. His eyes were young, younger than
Goku’s own. (Ageless golden eyes looked
back at him from mirrors, heretical eyes; he never looked in mirrors anymore.)
something innocent and innocently
that made Goku want to cry.
“I will love you,” he
whispered.
And as Sanzo’s eyes
grew ever wider, Goku leaned forward, and kissed him.
***
Goku went quiet, and Hakkai, his mind spinning and recoiling
and breaking, thought maybe he was
done – this nightmarish incident, with that innocent voice regaling him with a
tale of sin, was over.
But Goku looked at
him, saw him, and was drawn
inexorably into speech once more.
***
Then there were only
flashes – silk skin occasionally brushing against his cheek, hot hands
clenching in his shirt, desperate lips clinging to his mouth and refusing to
ever let go.
Whatever else they
were together, monkey and master, earth-child and sun-god, paled in comparison
to this.
too – maybe even more so than he.
Because Sanzo was the
one to deepen the kiss, to pull him closer with anxious, desperate fingers and
a clinging, desperate body, and if he thought, if anyone
Goku knew they must be sadly mistaken.
And this was sending
his brain down so many intense, intensely pleasing roads that he almost
couldn’t bear it.
Nor could he
breathe. And he knew Sanzo probably
couldn’t, either. But what was breath
when compared to the most beautiful thing he’d ever felt?
He was about to pull
back, just enough so that he could whisper to Sanzo just how much he was truly loved
knocked him aside. And when he realized
what was happening, just before the pain knocked him out cold, all he felt was fear
what you love most in the world is about to be taken away, and there’s nothing
you can do.
He had known that fear
and utter loss before, and vowed
never to forgive anyone who forced
him to feel it all over again...
***
“So what d’you
eyes so huge and golden it seemed impossible for them to be real.
His face felt strangely numb.
Finally Goku hopped off him, and the loss of his weight
really should have made it easier to
breathe. It really should have.
Goku left without saying another word.
His silence spoke volumes.
--