Silent Acceptance

“Are you sure you do not want to come along? I know we haven’t been spending a lot of time together lately. I’m not surprised that you’re not completely jealous of Ayame.”

Yukihito fiercely shook his head. He was devoted to Sawa 100%. He would follow him to the ends of the earth. He wouldn’t, however, go clothes shopping with him. That would be asking entirely too much.

“I still have homework to do.” Yes, homework would be far more interesting than that.

Sawa shrugged. “Suit yourself. We’ll order out for dinner when I return. Hmm, maybe we’ll go out and pick up a film or two. Sound good?”

The “Rising Stars” issue of Kokakuro was selling better than expected. Shimaru-san called Sawa personally to invite him to a book signing with the other authors at a larger book store near ni-chome, and a check for 500,000 yen arrived at the apartment the very next day. With the signing in a week, Sawa needed something new to wear. Ayame volunteered to go with him into Shinjuku proper to buy some nicer clothes.

Actually, the Shinjuku part was her idea.

“Hello? I work in Shinjuku!”

“So we’ll avoid My City. There are other stores in the area, you know. And dress to impress and take your measurements, you know; chest, waist, inseam, stuff like that...”

“Why?”

“Just do it, Na-chan. It’s about time you got out of thrift store wear.”

So Sawa was preparing to go, with Ayame meeting him at the apartment and Yukihito flatly refusing, as Yukihito only could, to go.

“A movie sounds great,” he said, rolling the tape measure back up. Starting from the chest, he’d taken Sawa’s required measurements. He even managed to keep from blushing too hard will taking the inseam.

“Then it’s settled. And thank you for the help, Yukihito-kun. You’re always so helpful.” They both turned to the door as the bell rang. “And it looks like Ayame’s here. Guess I’m off then.”

He leaned down to peck Yukihito on the forehead just as Yukihito looked up to kiss his cheek. Their lips met instead for the briefest of moments before they’d realized what just happened. With a yelp of surprise, Sawa stepped back as if he’d been shocked, his surprised face meeting Yukihito’s. If it wasn’t for the makeup, his own blush would have been just as noticeable.

“S-sorry!” Yukihito stammered. The look in Sawa’s eyes was hard to read for a moment.

Then he smiled, reached forward and wiped at Yukihito’s lips. “I don’t think that my lipstick color works with you at all. I-I’ll be back real soon.”

Before Yukihito knew it, Sawa was out the door, leaving him still dazed. His lips still tingled from the touch, and a happy warmth filled his every being.

They’d kissed. Kissed. They’d kissed, and Sawa didn’t look disgusted or push him away or anything he was worried about happening. Granted he didn’t look exactly thrilled, but they could work on that next time.

And he fully intended on there being a next time.


***********


Ayame stepped in front of Sawa as they exited the train station in downtown Shinjuku, effectively stopping him in his tracks.

“Okay, what happened?”

“Huh?” Sawa asked, confused. It couldn’t be that obvious, could it? he thought.

“You look like you’ve been hit in the face with a mackerel. What happened back there?”

“Oh, nothing.” This was one secret he was going to keep to himself, oh yes.

“You know, if it wasn’t for the fact that you’d get all pissy at me again, I’d press the issue,” she pondered as they continued walking.

“Thank you.”

“Besides, I know that you’ll probably tell me later, if it’s really good.”

Shaking his head at his persistent friend, he followed her into the first store they happened upon, Clean Sweep. It was a small shop, specializing in women’s designer pieces and Ayame adored window-shopping the selections. Sawa hoped he had enough money for this trip.

After a few moments of browsing he found a beautiful cream colored blouse that he thought would look perfect on him. Ayame had to flag down a sales clerk, since it seemed that they had vanished when they walked in.

“Excuse me, miss,” she said politely. “My friend here would like to try this blouse on.”

The sales clerk looked Sawa up and down. “I am sorry, but the dressing rooms are for women only.”

Sawa’s eyes widened. How could she look at him that way and then come to that conclusion? It had to be the first time that he had to deal with someone’s prejudice up close and so very personal. Unlike the looks and comments on the trains, this would be difficult to ignore.

Ayame, for her part, didn’t look the least bit perturbed. “Oh really? Na-chan, hold that blouse up for a second.” Whipping out her own tape measure from her purse, she asked for his chest measurement and held out the tape from shoulder to shoulder on the blouse. “Hmm, this looks a bit too small for you. Miss, could you be a dear and fetch us a Large, please?”

As the salesclerk departed with the blouse, Ayame urged Sawa to continue browsing, not even mentioning the slight.

“So did you really like that top?” she asked, flipping through a rack of skirts. Sawa insisted that they were not looking at skirts or dresses, so her search was not serious.

Granted, it was beautiful and would look so good on him, but the price was prohibitive, and that clerk’s attitude left a bad taste in his mouth.

“I could live without it,” he replied.

Ayame smiled as the clerk returned. “Good, now pay attention.” To the clerk, she beamed. “Oh, thank you. Unfortunately, we’ve decided to spend our money elsewhere. Have a nice day.” Without missing a beat, Ayame turned and walked out of the store with Sawa at her heels.

“This is an important lesson. Never, and I mean never, waste your money at a store that will not let you try on the merchandise. ‘Miss’ in there just missed out on a decent commission. Now let’s go to my most favorite shop.”

Mission V simply felt different when Sawa walked in behind Ayame. The colors were colder, sharper. They carried both men and women’s clothing. The sales clerk greeted Ayame with a kiss on each cheek.

“Nagisa, this is Tomo. He usually works here whenever I drop by and he’s got a great eye for color.”

As he and Tomo bowed to each other, Sawa couldn’t help but catalogue the man’s features. A little shorter than he was, with russet hair and a very sharp and handsome face. He felt himself relax a great deal in Tomo’s presence.

Tomo proved to be a far more help than the previous clerk, giving suggestions and praise whenever Sawa walked out of the unisex dressing rooms in something new.

As he saw himself in the mirror trying on various things, he felt that same excitement and playfulness he had when trying on makeup for the first time months ago. The joy of discovery, as he described it then. All it took was some nice new clothes.

After about an hour of browsing, he decided on a few pieces. A cream blouse similar to the one he gave up before, black slacks and an off-white and green stripped sweater filled Ayame’s arms as they made their way to the counter. Tomo not so subtly slipped Sawa his telephone number on the receipt, which made Ayame laugh.

“Are you kidding, Tomo? Na-chan is practically married!”

Tomo looked a bit sheepish. “That’s a shame, then. Lucky guy.”

Instead of sputtering a denial, Sawa smiled back, thinking about the kiss from earlier. Then, looking at the bags in his hand, he had an idea.

“Tomo-san, could we have a couple more bags, please?”


***********

The salesclerks at Clean Sweep gathered at the register when one looked at the window and pointed at the two “weirdoes” that were waving at them. Both were sporting smiles and about 4 stuffed Mission V bags each. After a few moments of waving and pointing at the bags (one even pulled out a sweater and showed it off), they turned abruptly and walked off.

“That was just mean, Na-chan,” Ayame snickered.

“No, ‘mean’ would be showing all the things we bought,” replied Sawa. He was on top of the world and while what they just did could be considered petty, he did not care.

“But we only had two bags not stuffed with tissue paper. Tomo was so nice to let us have the extra ones.”

“And that’s why it’s not mean.”

Ayame looked up at the darkening sky. Clouds were starting to get darker and heavier. “We’ll have to be quick to wrap this day up before we get soaked.”

Sawa nodded. Next on the list of “improvements” was a haircut. Time to get a move on.


************


“Ooooh, yes! Harder!”

Yukihito's eyes widened as the action on screen begin to intensify. His hands clutched the throw pillow even closer to his body in response to the increasing pressure in his groin. This video was a lot better than the previous one he found in Sawa’s newest hiding place.

At first he was annoyed when he “stumbled” upon the small collection of videos and magazines. He couldn’t believe that Sawa would still be hiding things from him. He was glad that he trusted his instincts.

Then he flipped through the first magazine. And then the second. Before long, he’d popped in “Victor’s Spoils” and truly believed that he would pass out from the sudden blood loss to his brain.

No wonder Sawa didn't share this stuff. It was dangerous.

The actors in front of him enthusiastically proved to him that yes, they could go harder. Yukihito would have liked to fully appreciate the view from a more observational standpoint, but it was difficult to think at the moment.

He found some relief in rubbing against the trapped pillow. Though he knew full well how to get himself off (and the actors on the screen were doing an excellent job of instructing him otherwise), just the thought of actually masturbating made his head spin.

Then he thought about Sawa watching this movie and wondered if that was what he would do. The mental image made him muffle a groan in the throw pillow’s softness while his rubbing increased. He had to stop that train of thought before he actually exploded. It was too much.

“I’m home, Yuki-”

Yukihito froze at the startled gasp, not turning around. He did not even heard the key turn in the lock, nor the door open. He did not want to see the look on Sawa’s face. He didn’t want to know what he was thinking right now. Suddenly cold fingers groped the remote, stopping the video then dropping it as Sawa sat silently next to him.

“I guess we should have talked about this sooner,” Sawa began. Yukihito flinched, still gripping the cushion against his now quite flagged arousal. I must be in so much trouble now, he thought.

“A handsome boy your age, I knew that once you got around other kids that you would start to really mature.”

Yukihito head popped up in confusion. This wasn’t the lecture he was expecting at all.

“I’m not surprised that we don’t have girls knocking down the door when you return from school...” Sawa continued absently.

“EH?” Didn’t Sawa notice what he was watching a minute ago? Girls, indeed.

“...or boys,” Sawa replied in an attempt to placate him. “Of course you know that’s also okay with me. Actually either way is all right, you know. You can always feel free to talk to me about these things. So, is there anyone specific you have eyes for?”

Face burning, Yukihito buried it back into the pillow. Either he was the only one who felt anything with that accidental kiss, or Sawa was being quite dense.

He heard Sawa chuckle. “Oh, there is, isn’t there? Tell me who they are, I promise I won’t tell a soul,” he slung an arm around the boy. “This is so cute...”

“...cute...”

“...kids...”

“...boy your age...”

Yukihito was getting fed up with this conversation. It was the first time in a while that his age was even an issue and he felt that he was being mocked because of it. And by the one he trusted and loved more than anything in this world to boot.

Well, he’d show Sawa just how much of a “kid” he was.

“It’s you!” he shouted, wrenching the cushion away and standing up, looking Sawa in the eyes. “It’s always been you!”

Now it was Sawa’s turn to be shocked. Granted, he had enough of a shock watching Yukihito watching his videos. He thought that using the moment to start the awkward “birds and bees” talk would be a good idea. Anything to get rid of the awkwardness he felt inside. This was the last thing he was expecting to hear.

“You’ve...you’ve got to be kidding me...”

Those words, spoken so softly, tore at Yukihito. “Kidding”, like the kid he would always be to Sawa. Nothing more. It was a rejection he couldn’t fate.

Before he knew it, he’d run out of the apartment. He had to get away and not show Sawa the shame that he felt. It didn’t matter that he was still in his house slippers with the rain beginning to drip on him, or that Sawa was following him, calling out his name, begging him to stop. He ran into the night until he heard nothing else.

**********

Yukihito sat in the witness room of the Shinjuku prescient, huddling under a blanket to keep his wet body warm. It didn’t take long for him to get stopped by a uniformed officer. He almost ran into downtown before stopping under store awning to keep out of the sudden deluge. Dripping in just a thin T-shirt, jeans and slippers, he looked like a wayward urchin. The officer, Kamiya by name, found him there and once he told him who his guardian was, he found himself in the cruiser before he knew it.

One receptionist gently scolded him as she wrapped the blanket around him.

“Tsuneo-san called here just a few minutes ago, worried sick. We’ve got Kamiya going to bring him over. What on earth were you doing in that storm?”

Yukihito didn’t answer. The truth would just make things worse, and his mind was too exhausted to form a good lie. He knew he completely overreacted, and hoped Sawa wasn’t very upset.

That was 15 minutes ago, and Yukihito was feeling worse about the whole mess with each passing minute. Maybe his uncle would send him away after all. It would be difficult to live with a troublesome teenager, especially once who just admitted a crush on you.

The door opened and the receptionist came in.

“He’s here, Yukihito-kun. Go on home.”

Much to his surprise, Sawa looked just as a wet and ragged as he did. He’d exchanged the nice outfit he was wearing with a gray sweater and jeans, and every trace of makeup and jewelry was gone. His silver hair lay plastered to his face. Officer Kamiya was talking to him as Yukihito came out.

“You know, you could have just waited into your apartment, Tsuneo-san. There was no need to stand out there and wait.”

“It was nothing, really. I just wanted to...” He turned his red-rimmed eyes to Yukihito and his face briefly crumbled before composing himself again. Yukihito wanted to throw himself into his arms and beg for forgiveness, but he settled for simply standing at his side, allowing Sawa to wrap an arm around him.

“Still silent, huh?” Kamiya said. Besides explaining where he lived, Yukihito didn’t utter a single word. “Come on, you two. I’ll give you a ride home. Between you both, you’d catch pneumonia.”

Sawa refused to let go of Yukihito when they entered the back of the cruiser. He fielded Kamiya’s questions about what he was up to since he quit all the while thinking of how he was going to make it up to the quiet boy next to him.

He kicked himself the moment those hazel eyes clouded over at his remark. That wasn’t what he meant to say at all. He was an idiot for not seeing it sooner. They’d kissed that afternoon, for crying out loud. He would make this right.

The apartment door barely closed behind them before Sawa yanked an unresisting Yukihito to him, raining kisses and tears of relief on the top of his dark head.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he wept, holding Yukihito as if he would vanish into thin air. “I didn’t mean to hurt you with what I said. I was...I was just so surprised that you felt this way...”

Yukihito was taken aback at the tearful apology. It was he who had to apologize, not Sawa! “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t hear you out. I shouldn’t have left and made you worry so much.”

“Oh, this is so silly.” Sawa pulled back a bit. “Look at us, just throwing apologies at each other when this was just simple moment of misunderstanding, that’s all.” Yukihito glared at him, reminding him of the gravity of that ‘misunderstanding’ and Sawa tightened his grip to keep him from bolting again. “Just like right now, apparently. I guess what I should be saying is...”

Taking a deep breath, the deepest breath he could ever remember taking in his life, Sawa leaned forward and kissed Yukihito full and square on the lips. For a moment, time and his heart stood still, and he prayed that he hadn’t “misunderstood” again. Everything was going to change from this point on. There was no looking back, no taking it back.

To his absolute relief, the lips he pressed against relaxed and began to move against his. Two hands clutched at this sweater as Yukihito moved in closer, intensifying the kiss with a happy little moan. His taste was pure and sweet and was exactly what Sawa had been waiting for all this time.

“I...” Yukihito gasped as Sawa rained tiny kisses all over his face. “Understand.” He desperately wanted to say those three little words, but they wouldn’t have begun to describe how he was feeling. They were just too little.

Sawa smiled against his forehead. “Yes, you do. You’ve always understood me. I wondered what was missing to make me feel complete, and here was the answer right literally under my nose. You are sure about this, right?”

Instead of a verbal answer, Yukihito rolled his eyes and claimed his lips once more. This was exactly what he wanted. As a matter of fact, he wanted much more. The videos he was watching earlier gave him a host of pretty good ideas.

Suddenly the gentle little body against Sawa began to rub against him as a soft tongue requested entrance into his mouth. He stepped back and Yukihito followed until his back was against the door and a most tale telling hardness was press flush against him. Yukihito’s hands moved from his chest to clutch his shoulders. What little resolve Sawa has left vanished as he opened his mouth to admit that fleshy morsel. He had to feel that skin that had been taunting him for far too long, so he slipped both hands down and under the still damp T-shirt, groaning as he touched the pale surface of Yukihito’s back.

The answering gasp of surprise awakened Sawa’s common sense. What was he planning to do with 120 pounds of horny 15 year old? Was he actually going to take him right here and now? And was he sure that he wanted to be the one doing the taking? He had zero experience with being a top, and actually liked it as the bottom. Is now be the time?

Of course not. It would be far too soon. He had to be very, very sure that Yukihito was doing this because he wanted to, and not out of any sense of obligation to him. He was so young and eager to please. It would kill Sawa to take advantage of that.

“Yukihito-hmmm, that feels so good-wait, just a minute.”

Yukihito stopped his oral exploration of Sawa’s neck and rested his head in the crook of it. He took that moment to try and order his thoughts. Like Sawa, he had no idea how far he actually wanted to take this. The thought of getting any more physical both aroused and scared him. He wondered if Sawa was having any second thoughts. Thankfully, one of Sawa’s arms remained around him while the other hand stroked his face gently. He was not being rejected.

“We’re treading on some very thin ice here. Given what we both seem to want, I still want to do the right thing by you. Well, ‘a’ right thing anyway. We can’t go any farther than this for right now.”

“When?” Yukihito asked, already starting his maddening rubbing once more. He was going back and forth between wanting more and wanting to wait. Damned hormones.

Sawa shuddered. “Cut that out, you tease. I’m trying to think.” Once the boy stopped he continued. “Isn’t it more than obvious enough that I want you? This is not going to easy for me either. I mean, a year is a very long time...”

“A year?”

Sawa smirked at the horrified look in Yukihito eyes. It was perfect. A year would be long enough for Yukihito to decide whether he was feeling true love or simple infatuation. That was plenty of time to explore the terms of their evolving relationship. And most importantly, he would be 16 then, and Sawa wouldn’t feel like such a pedophile. “Yes, we’ll wait until you turn 16. Not an entire year, but if we still feel the same way, we’ll go as far as we want. How does that sound to you?”

He waited, giving Yukihito a chance to think it over and enjoying the feel of him in his arms. He hoped that he could control himself for that long.

“Can we still kiss?”

Such an innocent question reminded Sawa that he was still quite young and even though Yukihito was well versed in reading about acts of love, he had yet to experience it for himself.

“Of course we can. Don’t you think for a moment that I will be able to go without for that now that I know how it feels. But no more or we would just be teasing each other, okay?”

Boundaries established, they kissed once more before Sawa shoved Yukihito into the bathroom to get into the shower before he caught his death. While he ws busy, Sawa thought about dinner. After all that had happened, he wasn’t really all that hungry, just tired. They’d have to do take out and a movie some other night. Yukihito agreed once he emerged from the shower.

Once they were both clean, they snuggled up together under the covers in bed. Sawa was quite happy to finally be able to return the embrace. When Yukihito started kissing him again, he placed a finger over his pouting lips, stilling him.

“Go to sleep,” he said softly. “You can kiss me all you want in the morning.”

He could feel the responding smile against his finger. The last thought he had before falling asleep was a praise of his good fortune. This was what he was looking for.


Author's Notes


Wow, I emerge from the bowels of NaNoWriMo victorious with a 50,532 word count! Go me and then some! I'm frankly tired, but I could not forget to get this chapter out as soon as possible for everyone who's been waiting for it. I sure hope you enjoy it!