The Killer in You

Version B was proofread by Lady Karai. Many thanks!


Chapter 58: The Last Name


He wasn’t sure how he knew it, but he did. Some vague feeling when he entered his room made him stop in mid-step and look around. Someone was here, she was here, it had to be it. Another feeling, or maybe it was a subconscious deduction, too quick to even realize it, made him sit at his desk and reach into the pocket of his jacket hanging over the chair. Bingo! Under his fingers he felt a piece of paper that certainly wasn’t there before. He took the folded sheet out. He knew this texture, it was undoubtedly a piece of the Death Note. He felt a shiver of anxiety. Considering today’s events it wouldn’t be too good if she simply… Slowly, feeling his heart’s accelerating beat, he opened the paper. He read it slowly, then nearly burst out laughing. He sat on the bed and read again, chuckling under his breath.

‘Ryuzaki: L   L a 2u l i e t, 2uatari: Q u i l l s h   2u a m m y’

What an irony. The Death Note didn’t affect people whose names were misspelled. Which meant a misspelled name wasn’t considered a name. Rem could always say to whomever supervised obeying the rules in the shinigami world, that by revealing the misspelled names she didn’t really do anything forbidden… and the fact that he could easily read the real ones from it was a whole other story. She probably didn’t have any other piece of paper at hand, so she used the error in two ways – not to kill Ryuzaki and Watari herself and to be able to use it as an excuse. Clever, Rem, really clever. He didn’t even need this key-change in the name Watari to guess the right spelling. Plus, she was giving him a tool – a piece of the Death Note. That was exactly what he needed.

He couldn’t stop chuckling. He read the name again, correcting it in his mind. L Lawliet. L – amazing, it was actually Ryuzaki’s real first name. What a strange name for a person. Somehow… demeaning. Still, it could only be the true one. L Lawliet, L Lawliet – he repeated it almost frenzily. Nice to meet you, L, I am Kira.

I could write it down even now, even at this moment. But no, now he could do it right, he could do it the way to prove his innocence. His and Misa’s, that is. And he wasn’t in a hurry, he had time, two weeks. He could wait.

And in the meantime he could have some fun. He smiled at the thought, immediately making a decision. He already knew where he was going to spend the night.

* * *
He was glad to find Ryuzaki in his room when at ten o’clock he knocked at his door. The black haired youth poked his head through the crack.

“Light…”

Light smiled inwardly, hearing that the ‘-kun’ was still out. Since the moment he regained his memory a week ago, they didn’t sleep together anymore. The cuffs had been taken off. Light was given his own room and didn’t visit Ryuzaki in the night. Nor did Ryuzaki visit him. He knew that L hadn’t ceased to suspect him, that his suspicion was now even stronger. Seeing each other in such a situation simply didn’t seem right.

But now it no longer mattered. Or perhaps it was a goodbye?

“You asked me before why I wasn’t spending time with Misa,” he offered. “Well, here is your answer. I tried to feel for her, I felt that I should reciprocate her love, that that would be right. More right than with you. After all, you are male. Lately, I even thought that I had managed to fall in love with her, but the truth is, when I meet her, I keep thinking of you. I can’t get you out of my mind, Ryuzaki. I just can’t stop feeling.”

He felt a little disturbing twinge while saying that, that it wasn’t all a lie, that actually most of it was true. Well, probably it was, but it didn’t change a thing.

Ryuzaki stared at him with his huge, unblinking eyes, saying nothing.

“Sorry for telling you about my love for Misa so harshly,” Light added. “For everyone else there’s nothing between you and me. I had to pretend…”

“Yes, I know that.”

“In spite of your suspicion about me… will you let me in, Ryuzaki?”

There was hesitation in L’s eyes. And doubt. But then his chest moved in a deep sigh.

“In spite of my suspicion about you, Light, I could be your friend.”

He pushed the door open and stepped aside. Light came in and closed it. For a moment they stood, facing each other. Light couldn’t stop a wave of heat that ran through his body when he looked at the detective. Dammit, he wanted him. He wanted him so much.

He grabbed him in his arms, maybe even too violently, and locked their lips together. It was only a short moment before L recovered from the initial shock and returned the kiss fervently, wrapping his arms around Light’s neck and tightening them almost painfully.

L’s name, his real name, replayed in Light’s mind again and again.

* * *
“Ryuzaki,” Watari spoke over the comm. “I’ve just received confirmation from the prison. Execution with the Death Note has run successfully. The convict who was chosen for this test died exactly 40 seconds after his name was written in the notebook.”

“Well,” Soichiro Yagami commented over L’s shoulder. “Looks like the power of the Death Note is real. This isn’t very surprising after all.”

“Yes.” The detective nodded somewhat stiffly, gaze fixed on the monitor.

In the tension that suddenly fell over the room no one seemed eager to comment on that any further, so the subject was closed.

* * *
‘Sends an e-mail to Light with all the data he has of the convict who has been chosen to write in the Death Note.

Destroys all the evidence that such an e-mail has been sent. Doesn’t say a word about it to anyone.

Dies…’ Light stopped writing and stared at the paper, then raised his gaze on an early-evening sky. The building of the headquarters loomed dark and high over the other skyscrapers. He sat on a bench in a nearby park. Somehow he hadn’t felt like writing conditions of L’s death in that building, so he had used a pretext of going shopping and gone out.

So. What date should he choose? He could make Ryuzaki die after the 13-day rule demonstration, but with everyone knowing that Kira could postpone the date of the victim’s death, there was no point in doing that. He could not overcome limitations imposed by the Death Note so if people were to think that L was killed by Kira, they would, this way or another. Moreover, having L under the effect of the Death Note for so long was risky. Something uncontrollable could happen – Light wasn’t sure how L would act in such circumstances, he could say or show something, someone could notice. No, he should make Ryuzaki die just after sending those e-mails.

‘…half an hour later,’ he finished writing.

He smiled. Now it was child’s play. Having received the convict’s name he would kill him or her in due time, confirming everyone of his innocence. If the true scenario occurred to someone by some means, he would say that there was no way for him to kill Ryuzaki since he didn’t know his name. Of course he didn’t know it, the only creature among them that did, could not reveal it. And with L dead, everyone would promptly accept it.

He was not going to put Kira’s signature on L’s death, either. The more natural it looked like, the greater chance that the others would think it was a mere accident. That of course meant he would have to leave Watari alive, but he hadn’t considered killing the old man in the first place. Although he was quite sharp, without his charge-employer he seemed harmless. In any case, no one would listen to him. Light twirled the pen between his fingers, considering possible ways of L’s demise. It took him just a moment before the right idea presented itself in his head. He chuckled under his breath. Who said Kira couldn’t have a sense of humor? He wrote the cause of death over the conditions: ‘Suffocation. Chokes on a candy.’

Now, the only thing that was left to add was the name and the exact time. He looked at the blank space at the top of the sheet and put his pen there. His hand stayed still for a moment… and then for another. An image of Ryuzaki in his arms suddenly surfaced in his mind.

What are you doing? What have you been doing for all those months? How can it be right? It’s outright evil! A thought like a sting in his heart. He silenced it immediately. What the hell was that? Some sudden flood of his old weak self? The self that had felt sick after killing the first people? The self that had replaced him for the time being when he’d forfeited the note? Why did it come out all of a sudden? Because of Ryuzaki?

He shook his head, recovering completely, and looked at the white paper again. Maybe he could wait after all. He didn’t have to do it this evening. Not yet. He could do it tomorrow. Or the day after. There still was time. No need to hurry.

He took a deep breath. All right, he’d allow Ryuzaki to live for two or three more days. Just that much and no more. However, with all those details already written, he had to be careful. He tore the sheet into a few smaller pieces and opened the compartment in his watch. He stuffed inside as much paper as he could, putting the note about Ryuzaki on top, and pushed the plate in place.

He rose from the bench, took the shopping bag, and strolled towards headquarters. Passing the trash can, he threw the rest of the sheet away.

Am I postponing killing him because I like him? He sighed. That wasn’t impossible. He had to admit that he did enjoy spending time with Ryuzaki. Talking with him. Making love to him. They’d been lovers for almost three months and it was good. With no one else before had he felt so good. With no one else had he understood so well.

Killing you will be a pain, L. I admit that I don’t want to do it. If only you weren’t after me we could have so much fun. Well, my killing was never selfish. It’s not about having fun, it’s about creating a better world. And with that, I can’t let you live. But I will truly miss you. I will.

* * *
A pair of black-rimmed eyes watched her curiously, while the owner of these eyes stuffed a forkful of cake into his mouth. He took his time to chew, then swallowed.

“So,” he said, “shinigami know the name of a person just by looking at their face.”

“Yes.”

“So you know the names of all of us here.”

She hesitated for a split second. “Yes.”

“Could you kill us?”

“That’s what shinigami do. Of course I could.”

The detective was silent for a few moments, taking another bite and chewing thoughtfully, while his head tilted and his eyes wandered from Rem to the ceiling and back.

“Do shinigami also need to see a human’s face to kill him or her?”

She didn’t like the direction this questioning was taking. He clearly aimed to know how shinigami killed. And with that he could find out about… But to this she couldn’t reply ‘I don’t know’.

“Yes, they do.”

“So, it seems that shinigami’s way of killing resembles the one of a human with a notebook. If there are plenty of such notebooks in the shinigami realm, that means you use them to kill. Isn’t that so? Isn’t it the shinigami’s way of killing?”

Just as she feared. Straight to the point. She really didn’t like how this inquiry unfolded. L’s questions dug deeper and deeper and she knew she wouldn’t be able to evade the truth much longer. Any minute she expected a slip. She could of course avoid the answer, she could say ‘I don’t know’, she could even lie, only that with L it didn’t work. He drew conclusions from the lack of answer, he drew conclusions from a lie. She felt that he already knew everything and the only thing he needed was to confirm his theories and prove them in front of the others. Which might happen any minute now. She really hoped Light would take care of it fast.

“Rem, I asked you a question.” L’s voice brought her back from her musings. “Do shinigami need a notebook to kill?”

“…Yes, they do.”

“Then you have to have such a notebook with you.”

This evoked a reaction in Light, who looked at Ryuzaki sharply. Others also glanced in their direction. Someone gasped, all murmurs and clicking on the keyboards stopped in one moment, and the whole room’s attention was instantly focused on her. Rem clenched her fist angrily.

“Yes, I do have it.” She heard anger in her voice as well.

Someone murmured something. Then someone else spoke. “Then you should give it to us.”

“I cannot do it. I am confined to this notebook as it is to me. I cannot give it to anyone.”

“Rem.” It was Light. Finally. She really hoped for some help now. “Can a shinigami give a human a name of another human? Could you reveal our names to anyone?”

“That’s against shinigami’s rules.”

Ryuzaki’s eyes shifted smoothly to the youth. “Good question, Light-kun. I wonder how it occurred to you that shinigami could not reveal a human’s name.”

Rem stifled a growl in her throat. Again. A conclusion drawn from something most people wouldn’t even notice. But Light wasn’t confounded.

“Well, we all heard there are many rules shinigami have,” he answered smoothly. “Most of them seem to concern shinigami remaining neutral towards what happens among humans. I thought this could be another restriction.”

“Yes, you are correct.” Ryuzaki looked back at Rem. He regarded her, head again tilted, one toe scratching against another for a few seconds. “Then can a shinigami kill a human on request of another human?”

“That’s against the rules as well. Shinigami generally don’t help humans. They only hang with them if they are connected to the notebook a human owns.”

There was an overall sigh of relief that ran through the room, and the team turned their attention away, coming back to their tasks.

But L didn’t give up. “However,” he said, putting a thumb to his lip. “Every rule can be contrived. Like… shinigami can kill any human they want, right? So they can always say that regardless of the request, they wanted to kill this human anyway.”

With growing frustration, Rem resolved for her evading phrase once again. “I don’t know. I never thought about it this way.” And in the meantime her mind replayed a desperate thought. You better get rid of him fast, Light Yagami, because I don’t think I can take it much longer.

* * *
Three days later, November 10, 2004

Light slid to the floor next to his bed, resting his back against it. He looked helplessly at the creased piece of paper. ‘Sends an e-mail… Destroys all the evidence… Dies…’ The sheet was worn-out from being taken out of the watch every evening, unfolded, crumpled in hands then folded again. And there was still no name on it. Every night… he’d been unable to write it. Instead, he stuffed the deadly piece of paper back into his watch and went to his enemy’s room to make love to him.

He put the pen in place yet another time… and yet another time his hand didn’t move. When he struggled to move it, images emerged in his head. Images of Ryuzaki dying, sliding down from his chair, thumping against the floor, shaken with death tremors… lifeless. He saw it every night. Those visions filled him with dread, made him sick, and tonight he finally realized the terrible truth. Oh damn, he simply couldn’t kill L.

What was it? Had he fallen in love? That would be horrifying! All the more – ridiculous. Ryuzaki was male!

You idiot, he told himself, you will soon be separated from him anyway. If you don’t kill him now, you’ll meet your fate in prison in no time. If you don’t kill him, you’ll be the one dead.

And another voice: And so what? What’s the point in all that? What do I care if he can’t be in my perfect world with me? It was completely irrational. It was egoistic, driven by his personal needs and emotions and thus, it was against everything Kira believed in and fought for. And yet, this voice was louder.

He had never loved anyone. He had no idea that feelings towards another person could be so strong. So strong that they made you weak, that they positively disabled you. Hell, he could imagine killing his own family. It was unpleasant, but it wasn’t revolting. But L… L was his only equal. Without him it just wasn’t the same.

But this didn’t make sense either. He hadn’t killed all those FBI agents, doctored all this complicated, highly risky plan with losing his memories just to end up like this now. He couldn’t allow himself to ruin all Kira’s achievements and lose his life just because he couldn’t write one name! That was just as unacceptable as killing L.

He growled with frustration, clenching his fists against his forehead, clutching two handfuls of hair in them. He tugged at his strands and bumped his head against his fingers. Was there really no way out of this wedge? Did it have to be the either-or situation? No, there had to be some compromise. Any compromise. Think, Light, think!

And the thought came like a flash of insight. It was so simple that it almost made him laugh. He’d been using the Death Note to control people’s actions for so long that he’d forgotten there were more traditional means to do it. And now he had those means. Before, L could play games with him, feeling relatively safe, because he had his trump card – his name – hidden in his sleeve. Now it wasn’t hidden anymore. Now it was Light who could play games with L. He could control him. He could control L not by writing his name in the notebook, but by using the name itself. So ridiculously simple!

Of course it was risky. It would require going to L and confessing to him that he was Kira. It seemed so desperate that the very thought gave him shivers. It was unlikely that L would give in so easily. He would more likely try plotting behind Light’s back, Light would have to keep an eye on him all the time. But then, if he didn’t do it, he would soon be proven guilty anyway, and besides, would his confession be any news for L? Every single one of his plans engaged high-level risk, and so far every one had worked. And if this one could lead him to his final victory and keep L alive, he was more than eager to go for it.

This solution has also a big advantage. I feared that I wouldn’t be able to overcome the limitations of the Death Note. If L died around the day of the test, someone could think that it was Kira’s doing and miraculously figure out the truth. Now there is no such problem. The 13-day rule will prove that I am innocent and L won’t die. Meaning – he by no means could be controlled by Kira, right?

Amused by this thought, Light started to chuckle, back in the height of his mood. He felt a spark of excitement running down his spine. He had done it again! He had proved to himself that he was able to overcome every obstacle, that he could outwit L for yet another time.

Alright, there was no point in putting that off any longer. He stuffed the piece of paper back into his watch, got up, and reached for his cell phone. He quickly chose Misa’s number. If he wanted to carry out this plan, he needed a solid backup.

* * *
“What is this about?” L asked, when Light met him downstairs, in front of the building.

“I wanted to go for a walk.”

The detective stared at him with disbelief, which Light fully understood. They didn’t have a habit of going for a walk even when it wasn’t unexpected, in the cold, late November evening, and when things were much better between them. The excuse was weak, but that didn’t matter. Light had decided it would be safer not to talk in L’s room no matter how unlikely it was that the detective had any bugs planted there.

“For a walk? Light, do you know what time it is?” L’s head was tilted while those huge eyes still examined Light distrustfully. “Do you have anything particular to tell me?”

“Yes,” Light said shortly. “There’s a nice park nearby. Let’s go there.”

Not waiting for L’s reaction, he simply started walking and Ryuzaki followed him slouchily half a step behind. They didn’t talk on the way. Light didn’t feel like admitting that he was Kira in the middle of the Tokyo streets, however fairly empty now, and any other subjects seemed inappropriate at the moment.

When they got to the park, they wandered for a while down the dark alleys, until they came across the fountain. Light was glad to see that the area was deserted and decided to stop here. It was the same fountain he had once stumbled upon with Naomi Misora. Funny how this place became the spot of the most stressful conversations of his life. Seeing him halt, Ryuzaki sat down on the fountain’s ledge, pulled his knees up, and gave him an expectant look. Light bit his lip, suddenly finding himself speechless. Damn, he hadn’t expected that opening his mouth to say those three simple words would be so hard. Admitting the truth after such a long time seemed almost ridiculous. His legs moved on their own volition and carried him impatiently back and forth in front of the detective. At the moment sucking his thumb was almost tempting.

Unexpectedly, L took the burden off him.

“Kira,” he offered, when Light had his back turned to him.

Light froze. A little startled gasp escaped his throat, but then he breathed deeply. Right. He’d given L enough time to think what it was that he wanted to talk about, and the detective as always came to a correct conclusion. Even if it wasn’t correct, he’d cast this accusation so many times that once more didn’t make a difference.

Only this time Light wasn’t going to deny it. He slowly turned to L.

“L Lawliet,” he countered, instead of simply admitting. The symmetry about it almost made him laugh. Now it was the detective who gasped. The panda-like eyes widened. And then narrowed.

“So, after all this time we’ve finally introduced ourselves to each other.”

And in such a charmingly twisted way, Light added in his thoughts. So here he was, for the first time officially looking at Ryuzaki as Kira. And it wasn’t so hard after all, was it? Relief that the hardest part was past him made his muscles weak, excitement of what was yet to come added shakiness. It was hard to stand, but he didn’t feel like sitting next to L. So he forced his legs to obedience and launched another attack.

“How about a little more? Quillsh Wammy.”

This possibly made even a stronger impression on L than his own name. He tensed, one hand grabbing the ledge, as if he were about to leap up. Then his body relaxed a bit, but the triangular jaw remained contracted, making the muscles on the rounded cheeks move in a very uncharacteristic for Ryuzaki way. When he finally spoke, his voice sounded different. Lower and strained.

“Did the shinigami tell you?”

“Rem is quite clever, it turns out. She found a way to… as you put it, contrive the rule.”

“And why are you being so straightforward all of a sudden? Have you already written my name? What did you make me do? Give you the convict’s data? How much time do I have?”

Light smirked humorlessly at the flood of questions. “I didn’t write your name.”

L’s face twisted in surprise.

“I realized that I don’t want to write your name. Killing you… would be a loss. I don’t want to do it. But I can, any minute now. And I will, if necessary. And that should be enough. Because with that I can control you as if I were using the Death Note.” L twitched minimally. Light felt a triumphant smile fighting its way to his face, but didn’t let it surface. “So yes, what I want you to do is give me the convict’s data. And once the rule is tested, close the investigation once and for all.”

L nodded. He got up and for a moment stood straight, eyeing Light intensely. Their faces found themselves on the same level for maybe the third time since they had first met (horizontal situations excepted). Suddenly it occurred to Light that he might just taste another of L’s amazing kicks, and he tensed on impulse, preparing to counterattack. But the detective only snorted and slouched again. He stuck his hands into his pockets, turned on his heel, and moved in a quite quick gait along the ledge.

Light caught up and moved along.

“That’s very risky, you know,” L spoke, gaze fixed on the ground. “Aren’t you afraid that I’ll think of some way to stop you? If I get it correctly, control with the Death Note is absolute. Control with blackmail isn’t.”

“That’s a nuisance, yes. But I took good care to secure myself. Misa already knows your and Watari’s names as well. She is instructed to write them if anything happens. Anything meaning a signal from me or unexpected guests from the police, knocking at her door. And I hope you realize that before you manage to convince anyone about my guilt, I or Misa will write your name a dozen times.”

“Yes, that is probably true,” L admitted. “But how do you imagine that? Do you want to have me on your hands for all your life? Do you really believe that once I close the investigation you will be safe? If L is alive and Kira continues killing, L should by all means open the investigation again.”

“Ryuzaki,” Light spoke with dark amusement, “are you telling me to kill you?”

He got a wry smirk in return. “No, of course not.”

They left the fountain’s square behind and entered one of the alleys. An occasional lamp lit their way and a few couples could still be seen wandering along the other alleys, so the atmosphere wasn’t eerie and Light was strangely thankful for that.

“L can admit publicly that he is unable to defeat Kira and give up,” he offered a solution. “That’s true that killing you would be a better option, but we both know that I have a certain… sentiment for you. And be sure that I will be able to control you. Remember, your name is not the only one I know.”

He could swear that he heard a growl. Did L do that? Out of all the habits L had, growling was not one of them. The detective directed his steps to the closest bench and sat down again. His half-closed eyes gave his face an expression of utter distaste. His gloomy gaze was fixed on some point before him, purposely avoiding Light.

“You do realize that in such circumstances it’s over between you and me,” he detective spoke coldly.

Light had expected that. Of course he had. There was no way L would willingly come to his bed in a situation like this. He himself couldn’t imagine happy sex with someone he’d just blackmailed. Still, those words stung.

“At least you are alive,” he pointed out with reproach. “Aren’t you happy about it? Isn’t that the better option?” L didn’t answer and Light felt anger growing inside him. That arrogant bastard! His life had just been spared and he dared to sulk! “Besides,” he added viciously, “now I can force you.”

Ryuzaki’s eyes moved abruptly and finally met his gaze. That’s right, L, Light thought, decision immediately forming in his mind. I can do it. I can control you in more than one way now, and if you want to live, you have to do what I tell you. And damn if I let you ditch me like that. You are in no position to set the rules.

They eyed one another for a long moment. Finally L’s heavy eyelids lowered to half-mast again and the detective snorted.

“Happy together, eh?”

“You will learn to admire Kira. One day you will see the effect of my work and realize that I was right all along.”

“I don’t think so.”

Light supposed there was no point in discussing it now.

“I want your answer, L.”

Silence. Ryuzaki averted his gaze again and seemed to be contemplating that.

“Give me time till tomorrow,” he finally said. “I need to think it over.”

Light considered it. Did it pose a threat? No greater than this whole situation. Sooner or later he would have to let L out of sight. He wasn’t going to cuff them together like the detective had. And in such moments all that was left, was trusting his backup. Yes, a risk, an inconvenience. But that was better than giving up. And better than killing L.

And in any case, L had no better proof against him now than he had an hour ago. He could do nothing. And if he decided to say no, Light would simply control him with the Death Note and get the convict’s data anyway. Or at least so L would believe.

“Alright,” he said. “But remember, one wrong movement…”

“Yes, yes, I know.”

“And one last thing,” he added, sitting next to Ryuzaki at last. “Give me your cell phone.”

L winced, immediately guessing his intentions. “Oh, please, Light. This is not my style.”

“Your cell phone, L,” he repeated, holding his hand out to the other youth.

Ryuzaki sighed and dug into his pocket. He placed his mobile on Light’s extended palm. Light browsed the catalogues, looking for audio files, but none of them was their recorded conversation. He also checked the latest connections, just in case, but the last outgoing call was dated a few hours ago. Without a word, he gave the phone back to L.

“Satisfied?”

This time it was his turn to evade the answer.

“So leave,” L finished.

Light looked at him incredulously. “What?”

“I said leave. I don’t feel like walking back with you.”

“What about you?”

A smirk. “Do you think I can’t take care of myself?”

“But… I don’t want to leave!” Light exclaimed, immediately becoming aware how childish it was and kicking himself for that.

Those black eyes shot him a glance, suddenly sharp. “You are not controlling me yet, Light. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. For now, please, leave me alone.” Those polite words were countered by a hard, threatening tone.

Light clenched his teeth. “Very well. But when you decide tomorrow… and I am sure you will make the correct decision… this time I will await you in my room. With all the data I want. And you will stay for the night.”

With that, he turned on his heel, trying not to show anger in his movement, and walked away.


Author’s note: The blackmail idea belongs to Danielle Anderson. If you find a similar idea in one of her stories, keep in mind that it was her who came up with it first, not me. I was also inspired by many fanfics that convinced me that in a situation I created Light would try plotting something rather than just give up. This thought bothered me, so I started to wonder what in that case he would do… and came to blackmail. It was the only thing that seemed reasonable, plus it gave me the plotline I just couldn’t resist.