There and Back Again

May 27, 2005 11:30 p.m.

It was quiet and dark. The only illumination was the soft glow of moonlight through the window. Moonlight. It was the only light that made everyone appear beautiful. L stood in the middle of the room, watching Light watching him. Standing for the first time in his life completely speechless. No one had ever asked him the question Light had posed. He didn’t really know how to answer it. He did know the longer he took to answer, the more heartbroken the look on Light’s face would become.

“I don’t know.”

Whatever Light had been expecting, ‘I don’t know’ hadn’t been it.

“You don’t know?” he said softly. “After all that’s happened, you don’t know?” He sighed and looked out the window. “If you don’t know, what am I doing here? Why am I here at all? You must need me for something. I’m just confused as to what it is.”

L rubbed his ankle with his foot nervously. Did he need Light? He needed to watch him. He needed to make sure he never held another death note. He needed to keep him close always, but was it because he wanted him close or because Light was still Kira? He would always be Kira, whether he remembered or not, whether he ever wrote another name or not. Did he need him?

Light stood from the bed and crossed the room. He paused next to L and brushed his fingertips against the back of L’s hand.

“Never mind. It doesn’t matter, so you don’t have to answer.” He started to walk away to dress for bed when he felt L grasp his hand.

“I do.”

“What?” Light said, frowning slightly.

“I do. I do need you. I don’t like that I do. I shouldn’t need or want anyone or anything. I should be a stone by now. I shouldn’t have brought you back here with me, but I can’t seem to regret it. It was selfish on my part. You most likely would have been fine if left to your own devices in Japan. I could have always sent various agents to check on you and we never needed to see each other again. But, I couldn’t because I knew I would miss you, and I’d already missed you enough. I . . . didn’t . . . I didn’t want to feel that lonely again.”

“You always say you missed me. I never left. I was always there.”

“No, you were gone,” L said, placing a hand on Light’s cheek. “This part of you, the part that is earnest and passionate and kind, this part was gone. All that was attached to me after Higuchi died was Kira.”

“L, Kira is just as much a part of me as those other qualities. I may not have the means to be Kira anymore, but that sense of justice is still there. I don’t think my ideals were entirely wrong, just my methodology. And I’m not fooling myself for one second by thinking, if given the opportunity, I wouldn’t do it again. Or even that I wouldn’t do it all over again if I could go back to the beginning. As a matter of fact, I know I would do it again. Is that something you’re prepared to live with? You can always send me away if it’s not.”

“No, that’s not an option. I care about you too much to send you away.”

“You do?” Light closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. “Why couldn’t you just say so before?”

“It’s, it’s difficult for me, Light. Do you think for one moment that there’s been anyone who’s managed to get this close to me? Anyone who’s ever made me feel . . . this?”

“Do you trust me, L?”

“Yes. If I didn’t trust you, I never would have given you my name.”

“Then why haven’t you ever asked me to assist you on any of your cases?”

“I thought, when you were ready, you would ask me.”

“I thought you didn’t want me to. I thought you were just keeping me around to keep Ever occupied.”

“Does he bother you so much?”

“No, no it’s not that. I just felt like some sort of nanny or Alta’s unpaid teaching assistant.”

“I suppose I thought if you didn’t like being with Ever or working with Alta you would have refused to do it. Besides, if you stopped assisting Alta, I think the children in her class would be heartbroken. You seem to keep her calm, and that produces a more conducive learning environment for the children. Plus, I think most of the girls in that class have crushes on you. Linda in particular.”

I do enjoy it. It does hurt my ears to hear the way they butcher my language though. Alta isn’t really so bad either. After getting to know her a bit, she’s really very pleasant. Her only problem is she had as many people skills as the rest of you, which is to say none at all. Maybe Roger should hire a teacher for that? And I think you’re right about Linda. She’s always asking if she can draw my portrait for her art classes.”

“When I get a case you might be interested in, I’ll tell you. I’ve been farming out the boring ones to Mello and Near anyway. You haven’t missed much.”

“What about Matt? Does he ever get any cases?”

L nibbled his thumb in thought.

“Hmm . . . sometimes. I ask him, but he usually passes. He’s not really interested in it. He’s pretty happy with his computers and doing whatever Mello tells him. Not that he’s a pushover, not by any means. But, he’s taken on the role of Mello’s shadow and seems happy.”

“Seeming happy isn’t the same as being happy.”

“The appearance of happiness is subjective. When have I ever looked happy to an outside observer?”

“Never,” Light admitted.

“I assure you, I am quite happy.”

L leaned forward slightly to capture Light’s lips. Light let out a small gasp that never failed to arouse L. Fingers threaded through strands of hair, buttons were slowly undone, shirts pulled away from bodies, and they slowly inched their way toward the bed.


March 15 2000

Beyond knew he had to think of a plan to outwit and surpass L. The problem was, he couldn’t think of one. He was frustrated to no end by that that fact. There he was some sort of super genius, and he couldn’t even think of a decent clever way to get L to take notice. It made him feel stupid. I made him feel like a normal person. He hated feeling normal. He wasn’t normal. He was better then that. He shook his head slowly and placed the paint he’d been looking at back on the shelf. He really wanted it, but funds were low. He knew he could just steal it, but something kept him from committing petty larceny. He was above it. He was beyond it. He chuckled slightly at the bad pun. All he really wanted to do right now, was paint. He’d stumbled upon a beautiful piece of canvas the other night and it was begging to be transformed into a work of art. Beyond was nothing, if not an artist. Even the most grotesque of images could be beautiful with the right amount of talent.

He glanced around him, pausing as the elderly woman comparing the prices of some paintbrushes. Brionny Baxter. Her numbers were racing past. He remembered when he was younger, that used to upset him. Now, it was nothing. It was just something that happened, something mundane, like brushing your teeth.

He watched out of the corner of his eye as the number stopped, then disappeared altogether. This was the part he always found interesting. He never knew how they would die. Sometimes, the method of their death shocked the hell out of him. Heart attack, stroke, hit and run, stabbing . . . you never could tell. She brought her hand to her head, as though she had a headache, and slowly crumpled to the floor. Looked like a cerebral hemorrhage, but he wasn’t sure.

That’s when a thought struck him. Brionny Baxter. B. B. Beyond Birthday. B. B. If Beyond started killing people, L would come after him. L after Beyond Birthday. L.A.B.B. LA . . . Los Angeles. He knew where he should go. He knew what he needed to do. It all just hinged on two things. Could he find the right people, with the right names, with the right death day? Could he actually kill a person? No, he thought, he couldn’t. But, he could transform them into pieces of art. He wouldn’t live forever, no one could. But, his art might. Sacrifices were made for art. Sacrifices were made for people. He wondered would anyone sacrifice themselves for him. Or for L? He doubted it.

00000000000000

October 29, 2005

Light peered over his teacup to survey the latest move made on the chessboard. If there was one thing he loved about England, it was being surrounded by decent chess players. His father had taught him to play and he had quickly overtaken him. All throughout his schooling he had played, but never found an opponent to really challenge him and he had become bored with the game. Then, L had entered his life and soundly beat him game after game. He had never known a victory so sweet until the day he had finally defeated L in chess. Now, he had not only L to challenge but also Near, Mello, Matt and Alta. Matt had been an indifferent player, not caring if he won or lost. Mello, on the other hand, had been ferocious. Each piece had been slammed against the board with force, his lips smirking in triumph when he believed the game already won. They fury he had exhibited on losing would have frightened Light if he hadn’t been expecting it. Mello had flung the board across the room, breaking the glass pawns in the process. Light had, at one point, toyed with the idea of letting Mello win just to avoid the inevitable tantrum. In the long run, though, he had decided that to let Mello win wouldn’t be in the boy’s best interest. Mello needed to learn to lose with dignity. Light was pretty sure that would be a lesson hard won, or not at all. Near played like, well, Near. He seemed indifferent, and appeared to not pay attention. Light had honestly believed he had been too wrapped up in his blocks to be truly playing chess. No one had been more surprised than he when Near mumbled a soft ‘checkmate’ and gathered his toys and left the room. Playing chess with Alta on the other hand . . .

“Why in god’s name does it take you so damn long to make a move!”

Light rolled his eyes out of habit.

“Because, not all of us just move our pieces wherever we feel like it. It’s called strategy, Alta. You should look into it.”

“Pfft,” she said, sitting back against her chair. “The pieces move a certain way, you pick where you want them to go. It’s no big deal. Besides, I’ve already got your queen. The game’s practically over.”

Not necessarily.”

“I’m bored with this.”

“You’re always bored with this. I’d like to actually finish the game this time.”

“This is so stupid! I hate chess. I don’t even know why I play this with you. It’s boring. It’s the most boring of all boring games.”

Light moved his piece. “I’m aware of that. You say so every time. The game’s almost done. It won’t kill you to finish this one.”

“I haven’t finished a game of chess in my entire life, and I’m not about to start with you, pretty boy.”

Light placed his cup on the table and crossed his arms. “How many times do I have to tell you to quit calling me that?”

“When you quit asking to play stupid chess, I’ll quit calling you pretty boy, pretty boy.”

“Fine,” he said with a sigh. “You win. I’m done. Game over. No more chess. You whine too much for it to be enjoyable.”

“Excellent.” A small, evil sort of grin shaped her lips. “Now, on to more important, more fun things.”

“No. Don’t even ask.”

“Oh come on! I played stupid chess.”

“You’ve never even finished!”

“Yeah, well, not the point. I started playing.”

“How many months have you been ‘starting to play’? It’s annoying and frustrating. So, no, I will not be doing what you’re thinking of asking me to do.”

“I don’t care if you’re annoyed and frustrated. But, you should care if I’m annoyed and frustrated. And I’m annoyed that I’ve yet to play high stakes strip poker!”


“No. There’s only one person here who gets to see me naked and that person is not you.”

The atmosphere of the room changed as quickly as the expression on her face. What moments before had been a smile, now disappeared and became a straight line.

“Play time is over. I think it’s time for you to leave.”

Any other day, he would have. But, not today. He was tired of this happening. Even when he mentioned L in a round-a-bout way she did this. Months had been spent like this: Night fell, Ever slept, Mello and Matt fought or hung out together, Near stayed within his self-imposed seclusion, L and Light worked cases together, and Alta remained alone. It had bothered Light because he knew he was the main reason she was alone. He’d killed someone precious to her and he had to make it right somehow. So, he’d begun knocking on her door to invite her to play chess and have tea. She refused to go to the common room, so had invited him into her room. Now, when Light didn’t have a case or when he was just plain bored, he would go to her room and find a chess board and tea waiting for him. Other nights, the nights when Ever refused to let his mother put him to bed, Light would make sure Ever was tucked in, then visit with Alta without the excuse of a chess game. The one unspoken catch to this outwardly pleasant and friendly situation was that Light never speak to her of L. He almost had to pretend L didn’t exist, and he hated doing that. There were very few specific people in the world Light cared about, (he couldn’t have used both hands to count them), and L was one of those people. It didn’t make sense to not talk about him with someone he considered a friend.

“I’m not leaving, Alta.”

Surprise. That’s what she felt, pure and simple. He’d never refused to leave before. He’d always left when she told him to. She knew it was silly of her, not wanting him to even mention L’s name. But, stupid and irrational though it may be, it was all she felt she had to hold on to. She couldn’t control L, and a part of her didn’t want to, but she could control whether or not his boyfriend could babble incessantly about him. OK, she thought, that’s not fair either. Light doesn’t babble, and he hardly ever mentions L. Hell, he barely even hints at L’s existence. But, even the little he does makes me so angry. And now, now he’s not even going to leave.

“Oh yes you are.”

“No, I’m not. This is childish and ridiculous and I’m not leaving because of it. I don’t even say his name and you get angry. I don’t know what happened between you two to make you hate him so much, and frankly, I don’t care. But, what I do care about is being forced by you to not speak about him or made to leave you presence by the mere mention of him.”

“No, you need to leave. I should check to see if Ever is . . .”

“He’s sleeping and we both know it. You don’t need to check on him.”

“Light . . .” She brought her head to her hands and slumped lower in her chair. “I just ... you can’t . . . you don’t understand. You couldn’t understand.”

“Then make me understand.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“I’m not leaving until you do.”

Alta decided then and there, she really hated stubborn men.

“Have you ever seen a picture of Ever’s father?”

“Yes. I read his file once, not long after I arrived here.”

“What did he look like?”

“Well,” Light thought a moment, “he was very heavily scarred so it was hard to tell really. What hair I could see was dark, as were his eyes.”

“Haven’t you wondered why Ever and L look so much alike?”

“Of course I have.”

“They look alike because L and B looked alike. There were small differences, like eye colour, but all in all they were the same. B was more emotional I’d say, and his laugh a bit creepy. I’ve never heard L laugh, so I can’t compare those. But, their faces . . . their faces were the same.”

“Exactly?”

“Yes. If they’d had living mothers, I doubt they would have been able to tell them apart.”

“So, because they looked the same, you don’t want to have anything to do with L.”

“It’s not just that. It was the way L was when it came to B. But, also, when I see L or hear about him, the image I see in my mind is of B and it makes my chest feel like it will burst. Even looking at Ever . . . is difficult. He was my friend, Light. He was my friend and I miss him. I know it will hurt less as time passes, but how long?”

“Did you love him?” Light asked her.

“I don’t like to say so, but, I did. Do you know how difficult it is to admit to yourself or anyone else that you loved someone that could kill people? Just kill them because they felt justified, because they had a ‘cause’. What kind of person does that make me, that I could love someone like that?” She didn’t know when she’d started crying. She didn’t know she’d been crying at all until Light moved her hand from her face and handed her a tissue. She brushed away her tears and Light stated to slowly stroke her hair. The way, she supposed, a brother would. She looked up at him and saw what appeared to be a war being fought across the features of his face. Finally, he inhaled and exhaled deeply before speaking softly to her.

“You’re right. I can’t ever know what it feels like to love someone who’s killed before. I’ll never know.” He walked across the room to the door. “But, L does,” he whispered before leaving.

Twenty minutes later, she whispered the name “Kira”.

At the same moment, L stared, shocked, at a penitent appearing Light.

“What the hell did you do? Why confess something like that to her of all people? Why confess at all! If you wanted to confess so badly, I could have found you a priest! There are churches everywhere!”

“I’m sorry, L. It just felt . . . right.”

“Well, hooray for you! There’s only so much I can do about this. I’m not a super hero! And you’ve just confessed to killing the father of her only child! Didn’t you stop to think that maybe, just maybe, she’d fly into a rage? She’s going to want your blood, and she’s intelligent enough to figure out how to do it. She had a child with a serial killer for Christ sake!”

“Oh, is it only bad to love a murderer if you’ve had children with them?”

“Don’t start.”

“No, you don’t start. I’m tired L. I’m tired of being cooped up here. I’m tired of all these damn kids. I’m tired of not remembering. And I’m tired of staring my guilt in the face every single goddamned day! She of all people should know exactly what I am!”

“So, should I print up a list of addresses and phone numbers for the families of all the dead criminals for you? Would you like to go door to door and apologize to them for murdering their husbands and sons and wives and daughters?”

“Right now, I can’t even express how much I hate you,” Light said, narrowing his eyes. “I’m finding somewhere else to sleep tonight.”

“It must be nice to be able to sleep.”

Light tightened his lips and felt the muscles in his jaw twitch. He thought of a million things he could have said, but decided a slamming door was the only answer L deserved.

00000000

October 30, 2005

“Kira! He’s fucking Kira! What the fuck is wrong with this picture!”

“Please, keep your voice down. There is no need to announce it to the entire world.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot Wammy House was a safe haven for mass-murderers. Oh wait, it’s fucking not!”

L was exhausted. Alta had been ranting and raving for hours now and L was in no mood for it. After last night’s ‘discussion’ with Light and his own emotional outburst, he simply had no desire to deal with anyone else’s emotions. Good God, he thought, mentally rolling his eyes. Isn’t there some sort of medication she could take to not be like this? Prozac? Zoloft? Halidol maybe?

“Yes,” he said calmly. “He was, at one time, Kira.”

“Was?”

“Don’t interrupt me. Yes, was. He isn’t Kira now. He doesn’t remember being Kira. He’s harmless. As harmless as any other person.”

“Harmless! Kira is not harmless!”

“He isn’t Kira.”

“Why can’t he remember?”

“The thing which caused him to become Kira is no longer in his possession.”

“Why has this ‘thing’ now? And what was it?”

“It was a notebook of supernatural ilk. The shinigami call it a death note. I have them now.”

“So, you can kill. You’re Kira now.”

“No. They’re locked away and I’ve no desire to judge the world or to rule over it.”

“They’re in the Vault.”

“Correct.”

“I think you should start at the beginning so I can understand.”

L tossed some sugar cubes into his tea and nodded.

“I agree.”

Hours later, Alta sat in stunned silence. Killing notebooks, bored shinigami, dead FBI agents, and a self-righteous teenager; these were the things that had made up the Kira case. It had been a complex game of cat and mouse, more convoluted then anything Sir Arthur Conan Doyle could put to paper. The twist in this detective story, however, wasn’t a plummet over Reichenbach Falls. It was a case of Sherlock and Moriarty falling in love.

She looked at L for a moment before quietly saying, “Keep him from me and my son.”

“Are you sure? Ever has become fond of him.”

“I don’t care. I don’t want him near my child. He doesn’t need to be fond of his father’s killer.”

“I’ll do what I can, but I’ll make no promises.”

“You never do.”

L didn’t feel he should mention that Ever was with Light right now. They had gone outside and into the orchard. He looked up from his tea and noticed Alta holding her breath and staring at him.

“Aren’t you a little old to be trying to go blue in the face to get what you want?”

She released the air she’d been holding in her lungs.

“L, I’m not sure but, I think something’s happened.”

“What makes you say that?”

She didn’t want to say that she had sat and watched as the numbers floating over L had ticked off in a rapid succession until there were only hours left. She bit her lip and looked away.

“Alta?”

They heard, in the distance, the sound of two screams.

Shit, L thought, never trust a shinigami.
*****