Starvation

A/N: Thanks to Gretel_Chan and CT_Sama for reviewing. I have a tendency to lose my way in stories if I don't recieve feedback, so it is nice to see that you haven't forgotten about me. I'm kind of insecure, so I need feedback to feel my work is justified. I know, I know, there hasn't been any real sex yet in this story, but please bear with me. Hakkai has a lot to get over, now, and will have even more. (next few chapters very dark. *Very*. In my original version, I had everyone hopping into bed much earlier, but logic isn't working that way in this version (It never really worked in the original version, either.) This has probably bored some people who like their smut immediately. To them, I apologize. To everyone, I give my thanks for continuing to read.

8. Too Easy


“Hakkai, you have to finish,” Goku crossed in front of Sanzo.

***

“Sanzo looks pretty damn finished to me,” Gojyo took a short leap away from Sanzo, making his way to the unoccupied bed.

“No, dumbass, I mean he isn’t finished feeding yet, are you?” Goku cupped Hakkai’s face in his hands, then dispatched the practically-useless monocle to the nightstand to sit with Hakkai’s limiters. “If they both shared blood with you, it’s not fair if I don’t get to.”

“I’ve already bitten you.”

“You didn’t bite, you just sort of gnawed. I know how long it takes to get full after you’ve been starving. Finish eating,” Goku tilted his head to one side.

Hakkai sighed. To Goku, this was simply a matter of food, and of helping a ‘sick’ friend. The youkai knew how fruitless arguing with the Monkey King could be. Gojyo proved it daily.

“I’ll be careful,” Hakkai said, even though he knew that there was no need. A tremor ran through his fingers as he caressed Goku’s throat. For the first time, Hakkai realized that wounding Goku might be as dangerous a prospect for him as it was for the monkey. What would he find in the blood of a being like that? If Seiten Taisei became aware of his intrusion . . .

*I suppose whatever I get will be all I deserve for overstepping my bounds. Damn, then. I may as well gamble.* His lips parted, ivory white puncturing golden tan.

So deep, this rush of blood, volcanically hot. It took rough hold of his consciousness and tore it from his body. There was not a sense of revelation here, as there was with Gojyo, nor was it a blinding pull, as from Sanzo. This was an embrace, nearly crushing in its enthusiasm. It brooked no argument, nor even resistance.

Hakkai was pushed through the flow of this vital fluid, a feather pushed along on the heat rising from molten lava. His nerves were set ablaze, but this wasn’t a fire for its own sake, it was fire born of earth. Powerful, unstoppable. The blood itself was thick, but pervasive, filling up his need.

It solidified within him; it smothered. Hakkai couldn’t breathe; his skull was full of melted lead. The energy of this . . . place, this being, was undeniable. The heaviness of centuries of time, the depth of wisdom that Hakkai couldn’t quite interpret, and laced through it all, there was a yearning for air and light and movement. He’d expected chi and blood this ancient and deep to be slow, but it was as fast as Goku moved, faster.

He was afraid, and began to fight to pull back, but something grabbed at him. His lips moved, chi channeled itself to close the wounds, to close Hakkai off, but while the blood flowed, the youkai’s consciousness was held fast. In the blood-vision, a place filled with chi and crimson, Seiten Taisei had locked his hand around Hakkai’s wrist.

*Kindred,* the eyes blazed gold in a sea of red, the lips moved, fangs bared in a grin. That mouth was neither mocking nor gentle. Hakkai felt trapped, as if wedged between stone blocks on all sides. *I know you, my brother. I feel as you do. Born of earth, born of blood, we are children of the world that made us. There are so few born like you were that you may as well be as alone as I. Welcome.*

*Kindred?* Hakkai asked, *Would you share a clan with one such as me? *

*We are considered youkai and are not, fully, such creatures, but something else. In your full power, you are able to stop my rage, though you have never tried. (1.) I know this. As surely as Sanzo can bind me, I know this. If you can check me, why should I not call you clan-mate? We are alike enough. Why consider yourself unworthy?* A clawed thumb traced Hakkai’s face. *So calm, when the demon does not trouble you. Good. I need balance, not just fetters. You are balance.*

*And you are my kin.*

*Not blood-kin, but akin to you. You must understand that there are things we both lack. I’m here to teach you what?* The Great Sage prodded.

*To teach . . .* Hakkai had to seriously think about what Goku was to him, what came to mind immediately when he thought of the Monkey King. *Freedom and joy.*

Saiten Taisei nipped at his captive wrist. *And clarity of purpose. My other side and I seldom doubt.* Blood oozed from tiny punctures. *I’ve marked you now, Hakkai. Don’t deny yourself. Control yourself if you must, but don’t deny yourself. You please my other side, brother. Don’t betray us by forgetting what you are.*

Hakkai was pushed violently out of Goku’s bloodstream, slammed back into his body. The youth beneath his trembling hands looked dazed, golden irises glazed with a shining lacquer of pleasure and wildness. Goku slumped forward, his grin wide and vacant. Purring, he wrapped himself around the taller youkai’s frame. Hakkai was gripping him closely, his muscles locked.

When his body relaxed enough for him to move, Hakkai had to fight the immediate urge to pull away and shake Goku. Fortunately, Sanzo beat him to getting Goku’s attention, slapping the boy across the back of his head, since his harisen had been tossed somewhere with his clothes. The blow took a moment to clear Goku’s eyes, but Hakkai caught him muttering, “My balance. My friend, my brother . . .” before he blinked curiously at the healer.

The feeling was too final, too much like the last card had fallen. His body and hunger were satisfied, but his mind was sill uneasy. Everything was too tightly wrapped up, too simple not to be deceptive. To see Goku, of all beings, submitting to him just confirmed his suspicion. It broke something inside him.

“I’m not anyone’s anything,” Hakkai answered. “I’ve tried to be a friend and a healer, but I can’t even manage that. I can’t . . . What am I doing? What are you doing trusting me this much?” he dug his claws into his own shoulders.

*I’m not anyone’s anything. I’m not Gojyo’s mate, nor Sanzo’s loving subordinate, nor kindred to Goku. I don’t own them, either. I can’t. I have no clan, and I deserve none. I deserve to be alone.*

“Thought you might do this,” Sanzo grumbled, leaning for his discarded jeans. “It was too much to fuckin’ hope for that you’d stop being stupid when you’d been fed.”

“And what the Hell did you hope I’d do?” All three of them were looking at him as if anticipating something. “No. You can’t think . . .”

“I think all of us made it pretty obvious,” violet fire stared up at him from the floor as Sanzo retrieved his shirt.

“Not all of you. I can’t, not to all of you. Listen, none of you are acting like yourselves. I did this to you. Not only have I seemed to have aroused you all incredibly by taking your blood, but it appears I’ve tied myself to you somehow. This is the last thing I ever wanted for you, aside from death. What will it come to next? My sapping your wills? You having to take orders from me? With the way I fell into your chi, this could destroy you.”

He looked frantically to each one of them in turn. “Gojyo, you deserve better. I can’t take advantage of your friendship like this. Goku, there’s too much potential in you for good for me to corrupt you like this. Sanzo, well, I know a link like this defeats the whole purpose of the way you’ve lived your life. I can’t continue any of this in good faith.” He fixed on his limiters and hung his head.

“Hakkai, I just wanted . . .” Gojyo started.

“I can’t be what you wanted, Gojyo. I can’t even say how my demon side has tied us, what it called you inside my mind. It would never let you breathe. You don’t belong to me. People don’t belong to each other. I’ve no right to even let that thought exist.”

“Didn’t I say I’d be whatever you needed?” Gojyo ran a frustrated hand through his sanguine locks. “Fuck it all. Forget it.”

“You aren’t yourself, Gojyo. I’ve poisoned you.”

“Sanzo’s right. You are being stupid.”

“Sanzo, of all people, would want this link with me broken ”

“Don’t assume to tell me what I’d want, Hakkai,” the blond grumbled.

The dark-haired demon continued, undaunted. “You aren’t yourself, either. I’ve ‘fucked with’ your chi, as you’ve so gently put it. I laid you open, as surely as if I’d done it with a knife. You never deserved that, to have all of us see it against your will,” his voice grew quiet, measuring. “I practically raped you, spiritually, mentally, physically . . .”

“Shut the fuck up ” Sanzo exploded, turning from buttoning his jeans. “You may have crashed your consciousness into my chi and jerked it around, but there was nothing deliberate about it I know you enough to know you could have caused a lot more damage if you’d wanted. As for your hand on my dick, well, I haven’t blown your head off your shoulders yet, have I?”

“My demon side called you ‘my Liege’.”

“So? You’ve always taken my orders. I’ve even heard you call me ‘Sir’. I’m glad even the demon in you knows where it stands.”

They were being too accepting. It wasn’t right. His friends were willful people. Sanzo, especially, should be pissed off at the admission. In the monk’s mind, “my Liege” should have read: “Hakkai is now going to ask me permission for everything. He’s going to grovel and beg to do things for me. How fucking annoying.”

It didn’t matter to Hakkai that he didn’t really feel like doing any of those things. He would do whatever Sanzo asked, true, would take responsibility for the man’s needs, but he had no desire to fawn on him. Rather, he was used to humoring the monk and would continue to do so.

But, considering Sanzo’s treatment of Goku, and of anyone who might look to him as a leader, he should have been sneering in distaste. He should have been trying to push Hakkai away from him. “You’d better break my fucking link with you, or I’ll kill you,” was what Hakkai had expected he’d say.

And Gojyo . . . Gojyo thought he wanted Hakkai. Hakkai’s demon side, and his human side, he’d admitted to himself, wanted his brash, bold friend with an incredible intensity since taking his blood. It was the wrong kind of desire, though, and Gojyo was being forced into his want by what?

By Hakkai’s need for blood as nourishment, by lust. Somehow, he’d affected some kind of spell on his best friend, upon them all really. This was far worse than any forbidden magic Hakkai had ever heard tell of. None of them had known what they were getting into by letting him drink from them.

*I hadn’t known what I was getting them into.*

Desperate now, Hakkai turned to the last person who deserved shackles of any kind on him.

“Goku, you deserve to be free. It’s what you want at your deepest level. You hate being bound.”

The golden eyes were welling, but no tears fell. “Hakkai, ‘free’ is different than ‘alone’. Don’t run away from us.”

“You don’t deserve this. You deserve better.”

“And what the Hell would you think ‘better’ would be? The past tied us together more than blood or spells or chi. One more thing doesn’t make much of a difference,” Gojyo said.

“It . . . I called you ‘mine’. No one wants to be owned.”

“No one’s ever wanted to keep me around for more than a few days. It might be a nice change of pace,” the hanyou lit another cigarette.

“You aren’t really willing, Gojyo. It’s an illusion. All of it is. I’ve pushed these emotions into your heads and I have to stop them. I have to fix it.”

“Hey, man, I trust you with my head, even if you can link into my mind and emotions,” Gojyo took a long pull from the cigarette, almost down to the filter. Hakkai recognized it as something the kappa did when he was trying to stay cool-headed about something

Goku jumped up. “I tried to show you I trusted you the other night Don’t tell me that was all for nothing I still mean it ”

“Let me think about this. I’ll think about this and find a way to give you your *selves* back.” Hakkai curled up on the bed, arm clutched around his legs, his back to them. He clearly had nothing more to say. What *could* he say that would reassure them more? His determination would have to be enough assurance.

“Idiot,” Sanzo muttered. Hakkai heard him leave the room, Goku’s footfalls not far behind.

“I’m not shitting you, Hakkai, and you’re not making me feel anything I haven’t felt for a while. Maybe your feeding on me just pushed me to admit it. Maybe this has just shown you where you fit in.” The sound of Gojyo’s feet creaked across the floor, to the edge of Hakkai’s bed, then slowly back.. His narrow bed groaned. “Didn’t you say to me once you’ve sometimes felt left out? Your demon nature might not be all bad. I hope you figure that out for yourself soon.” There was a rustle of covers as Gojyo turned over.

All the while, Hakkai kept his eyes tightly shut and tried to ignore the new emptiness that had unfolded inside him.

(1.) I know Hakkai fought Seiten Taisei in his demon form in "Reload", but I have neither read nor seen it, so I don't know the outcome. I'm probably wrong and Seiten Taisei probably kicked Hakkai's ass, but I honestly think Seiten Taisei probably recognizes, if only at a primal level, a similarity between himself and Hakkai.