Silent Acceptance

Author's Notes: At the beginning even-a change for me, but I will be returning to end of story notes after this one, I promise.

Firstly, thank you everyone for writing and commenting and such on what I've brought you thus far! I do hope that you'll stick with me as we get through this year-long wait that Sawa and Yukihito are going through. There will be ups and downs and revelations of many kinds, so please hang on and buckle your seat belts!

I was tempted to end SA after chapter 6 and start a second part here, but I decided in the end to just keep going.

Once again, thank you and enjoy!


The Wait Begins

first week of May

The bookstore was packed with fans, mostly female, lined up to get their copies of Kokakuro's “Rising Stars” issue signed. It made Sawa a little nervous as he sat at a table at the head of the line. He didn't know that the story collection was so popular.

“We've been receiving higher than usual sales this time around, Sawa-san,” Shimaru told him when he arrived an hour ago. “And more than a few fan letters about 'Reflections'. You should be proud. We look forward to seeing more of your work.”

Sawa thanked the man and waited in his assigned seat for the signing to begin. He was thankful that there were no cameras at this event. He'd forgotten his sunglasses. He had long since stopped disguising himself whenever he was on the train. This was familiar territory, after all.

“It's strange, isn't it?” Eri Sayumi, a fellow author sitting to his left said, patting his clenched hand. “Knowing all of those people like what you did this much...”

“Yes it is, Sayumi-san.” Sawa wished that Yukihito could be there. His presence always calmed him. But he was still in school doing his midterms and wouldn't be allowed in the “Erotica” section of the bookstore anyway. “Completely unbelievable.”

Shimaru tapped his microphone to get everyone's attention. “Good afternoon, and welcome . We at Taboo worked very hard to find a good crop of new authors to titillate and entertain you. How did they do?” The line burst into applause. “Excellent. I'm glad you like them. So, before you get the chance to tell them just that yourselves, I'd like to introduce them to you.”

One by one, each author stood as their name and the title of their story was called and bowed before resuming their seat. Out of the five, there were three women, one man, and Sawa, who was second to the last.

“Sawa Nagisa, 'Reflections'...”

The applause as he stood was much louder than the others. It was the largest group he'd even been introduced to by his new name and the reception was very affirming. Murmuring a thank you, he bowed low, humbled.

“To tell you the truth,” Sayumi confessed as after she received her praise. “I really liked 'Reflections', too.”

“So did I,” said Miki Tanaka, his neighbor on the right. Sawa thanked them both as the line began to move towards them.

Individual fans complemented Sawa as he added his signature with the other authors. It felt so good to find out that a lot more people than Yukihito liked what he did. Maybe he could make a living doing this after all.

A half hour passed and he was greeted by a most familiar sight; Ayame,with Toisho in tow, greeted him with face cracking smile.

“Look at you,” Ayame gushed, handing him her opened book. “You're so beautiful up here.”

“You know, the next signing you do must be at the Tomodachi,” said Toisho. “We'd have these flying off the shelves.”

Ayame wagged her finger at Toisho. “We're not here to discuss business, remember? By the way, Na-chan, I want my signature to say 'To my biggest fan, the fabulous Ayame'.”

With a sly smirk, Sawa began writing. Ayame looked the the finished words.

“'Best wishes, Ayame'? That's so lame, you little-”

Toisho covered her mouth with his hand, grinning. “Excuse us, Nagisa-san, it's obviously time for us to go. Come on, Ayame, there are a lot of people in the line.”

As they departed, with Ayame struggling to finish her sentence, Sawa thought the day couldn't get any better.

Another hour passed, and Sawa's fingers were starting to hurt. Weary of writing “Best wishes”, “Thank you” and “All the best”, he settled for simply scribing his name. Thankfully, he could see the end of the line.

“How does dinner sound, everyone?” Shimaru asked the authors as the last customer left the table. “I for one am looking forward to a nice cold beer.”

“Wait! Wait!” Ayame ran back to the table, clutching a copy of the magazine. “Na-chan, you must sign this!”

“Didn't I sign one for you earlier? And I thought you left with Toisho already,” Sawa replied.

“Well, we wanted to stick around and offer you dinner, but it looks like you'll be busy already. Then I got the sweetest request.” She leaned over to whisper in Sawa's ear. “A certain very special fan of yours, who's sitting in the Visual Arts section right now, asked me to get his copy signed for him. He even gave me the money to pay for it.”

Sawa scanned the store over Ayame's shoulder. Visual Arts was only a section away. Sitting in a chair, flipping through a large photography book, was Yukihito. He looked up from the book over to where Sawa and Ayame were, mouthing out “Hello”.

“Of course I'll sign this,” Sawa continued looked at Yukihito as he opened the cover and wrote, “To my biggest fan of all. Love, Nagisa. *kiss*”

“Aww,” Ayame cooed. “I know he'd going to like this. Thank you, Na-chan.”

“No, thank you.” To Shimaru, he said. “Sorry about the interruption. It looks like I won't be able to make it to dinner. My cousin has just arrived from school.”

Shimaru shrugged. “Then bring him along. I'm sure we can spare an extra plate. There's something I would like to discuss with you and dinner would be the perfect time.”

Yukihito looked up as Sawa approached. Ayame had tucked the signed copy into his bag, and he couldn't wait to get home and read what Sawa had wrote to him. “Hi. How's the signing?”

“I take it that you just came in, then?” Sawa replied, curbing the urge to greet his little lover with a kiss. That just wouldn't do in public. “The line was huge and my hand is sore, but we've been invited to dinner on Taboo's tab. Interested?”

Yukihito just wanted to go home. The midterm was exhausting. But it was hard to turn down free food. “All right. I want to buy this book first.”

“Hokkaido; Frozen in Time”, was the title. He was really getting into the photos of various snow covered sites and shrines.

“Of course we can get this book. Here,” Sawa gave him a few yen. “We'll meet you at the register.”


The restaurant Shimaru choose was close to the bookstore and was more than happy to handle a party of seven.

“A toast to a job well done,” the head editor hold his long awaited can of beer.

“Cheers!” The assembled responded before talking sips of their various drinks. Everyone had reason to be proud this evening. Each author passed around their own copy of the collection for others to sign.

“Hey, Yukihito, if only you were old enough to see what a great writer your cousin is,” Tanaka said to the boy as she refilled his tea cup.

“That's fine,” Yukihito said shyly, “I've read some of his other stuff.”

Sawa smiled behind his sake cup. Yukihito was too good at playing the innocent. Pity no one could see that he was pressing his thigh against Sawa's. Or the wink he gave when Sawa jumped at the contact. Perhaps it wasn't that much of a pity. This side of Yukihito was only for him.

As the evening progressed, Shimaru motioned for Sawa's attention. “Sawa-san, have you started on any long term projects?”

The question surprised Sawa. He'd just had his first success with the publishing company, and now they wanted to know about what else he was doing?

“I've been working on a manuscript for a novel since I sent 'Reflections' off...”

“Good, then you're ahead of our expectations. I'll need a synopsis to present to the other editors by next Wednesday. We're interested in getting a novel from you.”

Apparently, the day could get much, much better.


*************

Yukihito glared at his English tutor. He was on the last sentence to translate and she simply wouldn't help him with it.

“Will you help me, please?” he asked again.

“Sorry, I do not understand you,” was the response in sharply accented English.

He rolled his eyes to the heavens and sighed. He was tired and ready to be finished. The last thing he wanted to do was play along.

“Ayame, quit teasing him,” Sawa ordered form across the room, his eyes never leaving the computer screen.

“Not until he asks me in the proper language. We've been over this already.”

“Yukihito, please appease her.” She was right. When Ayame agreed to help the boy with his English homework, the deal was the they would speak as much of the language as he knew. And he knew how to ask for help.

The trio sat in the living room of Sawa and Yukihito's apartment. Shortly after Sawa began writing the novel, now titled “Go Jou”, it became clear that he wouldn't be available to help Yukihito with his schoolwork all that much. He now had deadlines and such to keep up with. Yukihito started staying after school whenever he needed to, and Ayame, who'd learned a great deal of English from both school and work, volunteered to help in that subject. She was the first welcome visitor to their home.

Ayame now smiled smugly, victorious. “You heard him, dear.” She switched back to English, “What was it that you wanted?”

“H-help me, please.” Disobeying Sawa, even for something so minor, could lead to terrible consequences. Like no more kisses for the rest of the night.

“Ahh, much better. Thank you.”

Homework finished, Yukihito and Ayame started dinner. They were expecting another guest, the second and newest welcome visitor.

Shimaru suggested that Sawa hire an agent to deal with the business aspect of getting his novel published, so he could concentrate on simply getting words on paper. Makoto Usegi came highly recommended, and had already read some of Sawa's work he'd done for “Kirei”. She was professional, respectful, and very good at her job, negotiating a fair advance once the manuscript was finished. She also was one biological female that Yukihito could deal with, which was very important given how he reacted to Suzuki's visit.

Now that Sawa and Yukihito had realized their feelings for each other, they had to be extra careful when dealing with Yukihito's teacher. While his behavior and grades both remained good, she still persisted in calling Sawa weekly to voice her “concerns”. Yukihito still kept to himself, preferring to deal with adults than his peers. His “shyness” caused him to be a minor target of the class bullies, but he reassured Sawa that he didn't really care about what they thought or did. Besides, mentioning that his guardian was a former cop prevented even worse treatment.

At 8 o'clock sharp, Makoto arrived to go over the latest chapter. As they sat down and passed dinner around, Sawa couldn't help but smile at his strange little family of choice.


***************


Mid August

When Sawa got his hair cut for the first time, he asked the stylist if she could give him something versatile enough to accommodate living two separate identities. The style she choose was simple: one small blunt bang over his left eye, the rest combed back. That bang could easily join the rest of his hair for his daytime at work look, and come out just as easily afterwards.

On the morning of Obon, the festival for deceased ancestors, he decided to stick with the “at work” look to go with the male yukata he wore. This year was doubly important. It was the first Obon since Yukie's death. It was also the first time they've been back to Chiba since moving out. They were certain to run into Sawa's parents.

Neither parent had arrived by the time the two made it to the family shrine. Yukihito squeezed Sawa's hand as they approached.

“Are you all right?” Sawa asked. “Do you want me to go in with you?”

The boy shook his head. He would do this himself. Slowly, he let go and approached the small building dedicated to his ancestors. Sitting in the middle of the assorted statures, silks and incense holders, was as picture of Sawa Yukie, smiling, wearing a formal kimono. Yukihito remembered the picture from his 13th birthday party. His eyes welled up a bit as he lit a stick of incense. How he missed that smile.

He placed a bowl of pears, her favorite fruit, near that picture, and started talking to her. He missed her so much, but “Uncle” Tsuneo was taking good care of him. He started school again and was doing fine. By the way, Tsuneo wasn't with the force anymore, but he's happier with what he'd doing now.

“But I think, I know, that he'd be more happier if he didn't have to hide from everyone. I'm sure you'd accept him if you knew...”

Sawa smiled as he listened to that “prayer”. He wasn't too sure if that would have been true. The memory of Yukie covering Yukihito's ears at the very mention of his preferences was still fresh. Still, Yukihito's optimism was remarkable.

“You can come in now, if you want,” he called out.

Sawa stepped inside and knelt beside Yukihito, who started to stand to give him some privacy.

“It's okay. Stay with me,” Sawa said, resting a hand on his shoulder. “I honestly don't know what to say.”

It would be most disturbing to thank her for leaving him her most precious son to take care of, given the recent turn in their relationship. She'd be horrified to know that.

Perhaps he should focus more on the precious son than his own anxiety. That was what the day was about.

After they finished quietly praying, the two bowed to shrine and turned to leave, just as Sawa's parents where arriving.

“The visit to the shrine didn't upset you, did it, Yukihito-kun?”

“No, it didn't, Grandma,” Yukihito replied as she refiled his teacup.

The older women smiled, her eyes shiny with unshed tears, “You're far stronger than I am. Today is first day this week I didn't cry. More tea, Tsuneo?”

Sawa and Yukihito waited until his parents were done praying. They all helped clean the shrine and light incense and returned to Chiba for dinner. After dinner, they sat out on the patio having tea, waiting for then sun to go down to light fireworks.

So far, Sawa was quite successful in remembering to answer to his given name. This was the longest time he had to go as “Tsuneo” in months.

As Mom poured that tea, she asked, “So, Tsuneo, it's been some time and Yukihito seems to be adjusting well...”

“Yes Mom?” By the tone of her voice, Sawa knew she was going to ask a question he wasn't going to like.

“Isn't it high time you thought about settling down and getting married? Don't you think Yukihito deserves a stable home?”

Just as he thought. “Mom, I've been entirely too busy to even start dating. My focus is on Yukihito's well being to start bringing a bunch of strange women to the apartment.”

Other than Ayame, of course, Yukihito thought, smirking around his cup.

Much to Sawa's surprise, Mom's smile widened. “No problem, Tsuneo. A young lady has already been by asking about you, and she knows you both. She's Yukihito's teacher, Suzuki-san.”

Surprise caused Yukihito to swallow his tea wrong, and he dropped his cup in a coughing fit, turning an alarming shade of cherry red. Mom was at his side with a handkerchief, patting him on the back and wiping the stray drops that landed on his yukata, all the while looking at and waiting for a response from the equally shocked Sawa. That was how Mom usually operated, even a disaster wouldn't keep her from getting an answer she wanted.

“Mom!” Sawa sputtered. “Don't you think it's a little unprofessional to date a student's guardian?”

“Well, he could change homeroom teachers next year. A year is plenty of time to get to know her better. And she's very pretty and nice and very interested in Yukihito's 'well-being' as you are.”

“I'm not interested in her in any way.”

“That how about letting us set you up with an omai?” Dad finally spoke.

Mom quickly shushed her husband. “Yuuto, I thought we weren't going to consider that option yet.”

“That was before Tsuneo rejected the nicest prospect he'd had so far. Look, we've been patient as we can with you since you decided to leave the force and move out on your own. We've even trusted you with our grandchild's care. It's about time you grew up and started a family of your own. Shouldn't you be showing Yukihito a good example?”

Yukihito, now breathing normally, began to tense as he saw Sawa's expression darken. This wasn't going to end well, and he wished he could hold his hand, squeeze his thigh, do something to calm him.

“Yukihito is fine with me,” Sawa said, slowly and carefully pronouncing each word. “I am fine and we are fine together. I am so tired of having to justify myself to everyone! First Suzuki-san and now you? What more do I have to do just to be left alone?”

“What about Yukihito?” Dad charged back, slamming his teacup on the table, “Have you even given him a single thought? You have to start considering a lot more than yourself. You have to consider his needs!”

Sawa's eyes darted over to the boy in question, who was silently looking down in his lap. It looked as if he was regressing back to the wordless youth he was before in the face of two angry male adults.

Quieting down, Sawa touched his shoulder. “I think right now, he needs for us to calm down. We're not getting anywhere like this.” Yukihito leaned onto his shoulder, relaxing slightly. “See? I am considering his needs. He needs me, just as I am. I know that, and if you didn't, you wouldn't have let him leave with me, Dad. Could that just be good enough for now?”


****************


Sawa and Yukihito returned home a couple of hours later, exhausted. Mom changed the subject after they managed to coax Yukihito into talking again with some red bean dumplings. They declined to stay to light fireworks, citing the crowed train they would have to take to get home.

Yukihito found the box of sparklers he bought for the holiday, and they lit them on the balcony just as the fireworks display began from downtown.

“I'm so sorry about the fight with Dad,” Sawa said. “I didn't mean to get you upset.”

“That's all right. You were right, what you're doing is good enough for me.” His sparkler died out, so he took out the last one in the box. Sawa used his still lit one to start his just as the sky exploded in a rainbow of colors. He closed his eyes and smiled serenely. “And I know Mom would appreciate what you're doing for me, too. I just feel it.”

Sawa snorted, “I hardly believe that Yukie would approve of everything I do by you, you know.”

“But I'm happy. And that's what she would want me to be.” Yukihito opened his eyes and met Sawa's. “You can't really argue that, so don't try it.”

“I won't,” Sawa replied, raising his sparkler to the sky. “I miss you, big sister.”

Copying the gesture, Yukihito added, “I love you, Mom.”

Together, they remained on the balcony until the last of the fireworks display was done, in silent remembrance.


One more note: As the year ends and I type this chapter down, I am reminded of personal losses, those who have departed this world but not my thoughts. I publish this in honor of them and all who have suffered losses. Keep them close to your hearts.