Oh my Saber Urusei Onegai Azumanga Saga Z 1/2!

Disclaimer: I do not own the anime/manga mentioned here, nor the characters from them. I do not make any money from the writing of this story. .



All characters featured here are the sole property of their respective creators, not mine, and I swear I'm not making any money or any other profit out of this fan work of fiction.



Any similarity with any real events, and living or dead persons, events and institutions, out of maybe harmless parody purposes, is nothing but a spectacularyficly coincidence.



No one under the age of 18 should be reading this, blah, blah, blah. "But OverMaster, I already know all of that!" Yes, yes, I know, sorry, here we go...

---

Episode Six without the Six Hundred Sixty: Urd! Almost a Four Letter Word!

--



"It's six o'clock morning at Penguin Village!" a small adorable bipedal pig wearing a suit and bowtie announced, standing on a tree's branch, making Morisato Keiichi look up at him through his bedroom's window.



Keiichi and the pig looked into each other's eyes, or at least Keiichi guessed so, since the pig wore dark glasses.



Keiichi closed his eyes firmly, buried his head into his pillow, and kept it there.



After a moment, the pig descended from the branch and walked away whistling to himself.



A moment later, Keiichi sighed in relief. "Oh, it was just a dream. I was worried for a second--"



"Good morning..." a slurry voice came from his side.



Keiichi jumped out of his skin when he saw a naked Masaki Tenchi lying next to his own naked body on the futon. "AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!"



Tenchi bashed the older boy's head with the pillow, rubbing his own aching scalp with his other hand. "Keep it down, please! Oh God, Ryoko made me drink that last night, and now I'm here with you, and my ass aches you so much, and--"



Keiichi blinked. "Um, what? My ass is the one aching, so--"



"I didn't do you!"



"Well, I'm sure I didn't do you either!"



They looked at each other.



"Maybe it was the tiny talking pig with the bowtie?" Keiichi wondered.



"-- what?"



"Ah, nothing, forget it. I mean, maybe it was just Ryoko and Bell messing with us. You know they like trying all kinds of new things."



"Ooooh, yes, that. That makes much more sense. Because I wouldn't touch your ass, not even drunk!"



"Likewise! Um, not to offend your ass or anything. I mean, it's kinda athletic, since you do all that kendo practice. But... I don't like guys' asses, not really! And I saw more than enough of those while cleaning my Sempais' porn mags collection!"



"Okay..."



A pause.



"-- can you give me some tips on how to have an ass as toned as yours?" Keiichi asked.



"Um, why? Ah, what I mean is, your ass is fine too! For a guy's ass anyway. You do all of that motorcycle stuff, that keeps you in shape..."



"Oh, but you're much more physical! Girls prefer guys who do kendo and fighting over mechanics and racers!"



"Seriously? Because this is the first place where girls have ever hit on me."



"Oh, I'm sure they wouldn't turn you down if you asked them out! Me, I was rejected by Mishima Sayoko, the girl I had a crush on, like twenty times in a year!"



"Maybe you should have shown her your ass."



They stared at each other for a few moments before embracing, kissing madly, and falling on the futon together.



Ryoko and Belldandy peeked in from the door's outside, in the buff. Ryoko chuckled, holding a cellphone Nobuyuki had bought for her and taught her how to use after a few sessions of 'payment'. "Oh, this is so going into the Internet! Just like what they did last night!"



Belldandy blinked a few times. "Why aren't we joining in, Ryoko-san? It's better the more of us share our happiness and love."



"Be quiet and keep fingering me!" she hushed her.

---

"Everything is going according to the plan," Ikari Gendo reported, hands neatly folded before his expressionless face. At least they thought it was expressionless, with the glasses obscuring his eyes, and the hands blocking the view of his mouth, and the damn darkness in the room. One of them tried to reach for a light switch, failed to find it, and pulled his hand back with a sigh.



"You say that very easily, Commander Ikari," Director Keehl Lorenz said, "But we still have eleven Angels ahead of us, and only nine working excuses for the public left. Mutants, gas leaks, CGI, mass hallucinations, tornado, terrorists, volcano, giant meteorite, and School Festival Play. We could get by with ten excuses, since by the twelth event no one will be in any conditions to argue! But this means we will be found out before our time is due! It was your job to find ways around that!"



"We could blame it on mutant terrorists, maybe," Russian Prime Minister Balalaika offered.



"Buckawwk! Bwaaak bwak bk-kkawwwk!"



"Member Boo-sama is right. All mutants are terrorists, so we would be only repeating excuses. Twofold," Lex Luthor said, finally finding the light switch and turning it on. Gendo made a brief sigh of disappointment. "Why don't we blame it on Superman?"



"It never works when anything is pinned on Superman!" Matou Zouken growled, toying with his Superman pen before coughing a worm on the table. It tried to squirm over to Balalaika before she firmly squashed it under a fist. "Ah, sorry. I'm low on vitamins... OF EVIL! ... lately."



Another member helpfully slid a small jar of pills over to him.



"Ah, thanks, Alladia-kun... Wait, this is Viagra!" Zouken said.



The other man shrugged. "When in doubt, always do Viagra."



The youngest member of the cadre, a girl in her teens with dark hair and wearing dark red, frowned suddenly. "Mister Matou, I believe you have dropped more of those worms under this table before..."



Zouken looked as innocent as a perverse withered mummy with dead eyes can look. "What makes you say that, Azula-sama?"



The girl began obviously rubbing her legs together. "I think one has just... Ah... Never mind, leave it... there..." she clenched her teeth as her legs rubbed more and more forcefully against each other. "Ahhh..."



Member Boo, who was sitting at her left, edged away from her, warily.



"-- well, anyway," Gendo said, "It's all very simple, really. Everything is explained in the Dead Sea Scrolls. They not only tell us what to do, but detail the coming of every Angel, with their abilities, weak points, destructive potential, likes, dislikes, blood type and difficulty level."



"Most excellent," the supreme leader of the Council said aloofly, from his seat at the top of the table. "As we all know, the key to Conquest is knowing everything there is to know about your target!" he lectured, his eyes fixed on his PFP portable console, but his voice grandly raising over his pale, weak frame. Hearts all around the table fluttered. "That's the way it is... In Games! And so, to fulfill our dreams of a better, grandiose future purished from this system's vices, we must triumph over these 'Angels' the same way we'd roll over the hearts of SD Angels of Love and Beauty! And so, we shall! So commands SEELE!"



"Hail SEELE!" Director (since the supreme leader still was too young to be named Director) Keehl Lorentz shouted.



"Hail SEELE!" Ikari Gendo shouted.



"Hail SEELE!" Balalaika shouted.



"Hail LexCorp!" Lex Luthor shouted.



"Hail SEELE!" Emperor Alladia shouted.



"Hail SEELE!" Emperor Charles Britannia shouted.



"BWWKKK-KKKAAAWWWWWKKKK!" Member Boo shouted.



"Hail SEELE!" Princess Celestia shouted, raising a hoof.



The supreme leader deigned to look at her. "Please don't salute like that while saying it, Celestia-hime. What do you think we are, Nazis?"



"Errr.. Hail SEELE!" Premier Gerhard von Faust said after quickly lowering his hand.



"Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, oh yes!" Princess Azula shouted.



They looked at a corner, where Princess Azula, pants down her legs, was on all fours with Zouken Matou vigorously riding her, hands on her breasts, steadily pumping into her as worms dripped everywhere.



Princess Celestia reached for a paper bag and buried her mouth into it. A second later, she filled it.



Luthor closed his eyes and massaged his temples as if wanting to drill his fingers through his own skull.



Alladia seemed reinvindicated. "See? Viagra is always the answer!"



Balalaika crushed a worm under a high heel. "Why do these things always keep coming for me?"



"How disgusting," Supreme Leader Katsuragi detachedly said. "I'm telling her father!" And he went back to his dating game.

  ---  

I'm not gay for Masaki-san, I'm not gay for Masaki-kun, I'm not gay for Tenchi-kun, I'm not gay for Tenchi-chan... Wait, how did get I there?-! Keiichi interrupted his chain of thoughts to rub his scalp as if hoping to wipe all memories of that morning's encounter out of his head.



It wasn't that Belldandy or Ryoko had disliked it. Belldandy thought loving anyone was good and acceptable, and Ryoko thought fucking anyone was good and acceptable (except for maybe thar Ayeka person she muttered about at times). And while they had been rather okay with what they had stumbled into that morning, that only made Keiichi feel actually worse about it, and he was sure Tenchi felt the same way. But again, that wasn't the point. The point was, well, he just couldn't allow himself to--



Keiichi sighed deeply and pulled himself away from the motorcycle he had been fixing at the Motor Club after classes. Thinking of 'Motorcycle' made him think of 'Ride' and that in turn made him think of 'Being ridden'. The young man groaned as he rubbed his rear end discreetly. He'd definitely think twice before doing that to poor Bell-chan again, even if she moaned so much about loving it.



Ryoko was another matter entirely, but it was often difficult to build sympathy in general for her.



"Sempai?" the freckled and bespectacled cute face of Hasegawa Sora peeked in from the secondary workshop next door. "Um... I was going on my way to visit my siblings at Mahora, and... on the doorstep, I... I found this addressed to you!" she quickly said, pushing a DVD case with his name written on it into his hands.



From Sora's blush, Keiichi thought Ryoko had just sent him another sex video they had made at home during his college hours, or some gay porn Tamiya left for him regularly to entice him.



To his mild surprise, however, the case had the image of a sternly frowning woman with dark skin and white hair on it, along the title 'REGRET YOUR SINS AND WASH YOUR SOUL WITH SISTER URD!'



"I... I know it must be some mistake or p-p-prank, since Sempai is, isn't I mean, t-the type w-wh-who should need h-his noble soul sa-saved..." Sora stammered before walking backwards in a brisk return for the front door. "W-Well, I leave it in your hands anyway! Buh-buh-bye!" the young petite woman laughed like an idiot before giving an expected misstep and falling flat on her back on the grass outside. "Owww! I mean, d-don't bother helping me, Sempai! I'm okay...!"



After a moment of silence, Morisato nodded, closed the front door, and quickly walked for the TV and its DVD player.



He figured out it had to be the neighbors had ended up fed up with their noisy parties and sent him that thing to shame him. True, they lived far into the woods, but their parties were so noisy, he still was fairly sure they had to disturb the closest neighbors way down the train tracks...



Well, there was only one way to know for sure, as the old cliche goes. So he put the movie in the player and tried to ready himself for anything...



"Hello, Mister Morisato. Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to--"



Wait, WHAT?-! he thought.



"-- PSYCHE!"



Oh, very funny... He frowned as some image finally replaced the formerly black background and foreground with the recorded message.



And WHAT an image!

  ---

The woman who had just appeared onscreen, in a very conservative and modest attire, with a fully buttoned long sleeved blouse and a black shirt that went down to her ankles, still managed to exhude a strong, unmistakable sense of powerful sexuality, despite looking like a librarian, or perhaps exactly because of it. She could have worn an old potato sack and had a rubber chicken glued to her head, and she'd still have looked sexy as hell (why do they keep saying that? Hell isn't supposed to be sexy!) Her deeply brown skin, intense green eyes and long and silky white hair lent her an alluring exotic appearance, and the way her glasses held to her face while she held a long pointer between her hands made Keiichi feel a fire he hadn't felt since his first encounters with Belldandy, and then Ryoko, and then Tench-- Scratch that last part! his mind yelled at him.



"You have been a naughty boy, haven't you?" she asked, with a deep, dangerous edge to her voice.



He blinked. "Whoa, mama!"



"Yes, you have," she answered herself. "You have been having nasty thoughts, you evil, creepy boy..."



It was him, or the room had just grown hotter?



"And worse, you have been acting on those thoughts, you filthy little bitch," the woman growled, and Keiichi grew hard. "You have been fucking carelessly all around, not thinking about what would your family say..."



He scratched the back of his neck bashfully. "My sister would throw me a party, my mother would just ask when are the grandchildren coming, and my father would just beg at me to keep the evil women away from him..."



"SILENCE!" the woman yelled, startling him and making him wheel back on his ass. She pointed a finger at him. "Heed my words, Morisato Keiichi! I am Urd, mightiest of the Norns! For too long, depravity has reigned both in Heaven and Earth! Hell too, but that goes without saying, although I guess a moron like you had to have it made clear. But I swear on my honor this is the last straw on the camel's back! My sister has just fucked her last mortal! Starting now, I'll finally act like a good older sister and force her against her will into the straight and narrow path of righteousness! And to do so, you must be--ARE YOU MASTURBATING TO ME?-!"



He blinked, with his hand on his member and his pants around his ankles. "Isn't... Isn't this your concept of roleplay foreplay?"



The woman's head grew three sizes as she literally pushed it out of the screen to yell at him. "IDIOT, I AM THREATENING YOUR LIFE FOR REAL! YOU'RE DONE! FINISHED! KAPUT! FINITO! DEADER THAN DISCO! AS GOOD AS BURIED! GOT ME THERE, SONNY?-!"



Keiichi whimpered helplessly, trembled, and sprayed a spasmic splurt of white on the sexy lady's face.



She remained perfectly still and wide-eyed where she was for a moment, her hands clutching tightly on the edges of the TV screen.



---



"Ah, Sempai!" Hasegawa Sora walked back in, chuckling goofily. "Sorry to disturb your privacy time, and I hope I'm not walking into, into anything e-embarrassing a-again, b-but... I think I forgot my--"



A moment later, a badly bruised Keiichi, with his pants around his ankles and a still wet flaccid cock that sent some leftovers flying directly into her mouth, was flying and crashing against her, pinning her against the floor with his unconscious, spiral-eyed body.



"KYAAAA!"   ----     Much like Batman after talking to Commissioner Gordon, the woman who had called herself Urd had disappeared as soon as Keiichi finished covering his privates with a hand and began pointing frantically for the TV, blabbering a rushed explanation even he couldn't understand at all. Sora, after shaking off the layer of ice now covering her, looked that way and couldn't see anyone. When she meekly pointed it out, Keiichi looked back and realized, indeed, the bronzed beauty had disappeared.



Slowly, he turned back yet again to look at Sora's blank face, where, since the young woman was now lacking any other features, her freckles swam free in a sea of red; and he attempted to mutter an apology before being slapped on the face.



---



Now Keiichi trudged down miserably through the narrow forest path leading towards the Temple, leaving the train station behind. He was so dead, once Sora told Tamiya and Ootaki. They barely allowed Sora in the club, and that was only because they hadn't realized yet she was a girl. Literally.



While dragging his steps through the impossibly long steps leading up the hill, he saw a mismatched group praying next to the Temple's gates. Once he fully made his way there, he saw what seemed to be a family comprised of a fat, balding man with glasses in a white gi, a very attractive middle aged woman in a traditional kimono, a handsome teenaged boy with black hair into a braid on the back of his head, a nicely curvy girl with long black hair and glasses two years or so younger than the boy, and two much shorter girls, one with dark short hair covering her eyes, and a really tiny one with her hair made into two lateral thick braids.



Keiichi passed by next to them with a few token words of greeting and some bowings of his head, and the tiny girl replied sparsely the same way. The appealing woman smiled in a way Morisato found oddly arousing, and the girl with the blinding bangs took her head aside, blushing intensely. The two males and the stacked girl didn't seem to even notice his presence.



Keiichi made his somewhat wary way to where Katsuhito calmly swept the temple's front. As soon as he was close enough, he whispered, "Katsuhito-sama? Who are those people?"



"Ah, Morisato-kun. Welcome back," the old man said, his voice low but by his own design rather than any wish to sound particularly private. "Those are the Saotomes, just back from a trip to China, and in transit to their home at the city. Old friends of my family..."



Keiichi nodded slowly. The temple was so deep into the mountains those were the first visitors they got since Tenchi's arrival. It made him wonder about the practicity of making such a supposedly religious shrine there. If all they wanted was a post to keep Ryoko's cave safe, they could have thought of something else. And speaking of that...



"Where's Ryoko-san?" the boy asked. His first thoughts had been of Belldandy, but he then realized at that hour, she likely was buying the groceries. On the other hand, he didn't believe Ryoko would have wasted the chance to pounce on the unfortunate visitors as soon as she saw them. Which he prayed could be avoided. They looked like nice people.



Katsuhito pointed at the roof with a placid smile, and Keiichi looked up to see Ryoko sleeping there, snoring softly but constantly, and surrounded by empty bottles of sake.



"By the way," the old man added, "Urd-sama is waiting inside for you."



The blood in Keiichi's veins froze again.   ---   Meanwhile, elsewhere in the city, a cellphone rang.



A delicate, feminine hand reached over to grab the phone, as the other hand of the person in question gestured for the others in the room to be quiet. The moans and grunts all stopped immediately, as the nude young woman with long, unbound dark hair smiled and answered. "Hello? Tendo Residence here. Who is-- Oh. Oh, yes, it's you. Yes, he's here. Yes, of course. Yes."



She handed the phone over to the man lying at her side, on top of her younger sister. Both them and the girl at his other side were just as naked as she was, and truth be told, none of them were exactly hard to look at, not even the mustachoed man, who still kept himself well for his age. "Hello? Oh, oh, it's you, Saotome! It's been a while. What? No, I know they have strict controls on the Internet in China, but you surely could have bothered to send some mail here and there. I gave you my... Well, your daughters then! Honestly, Saotome! Get on with the times! Oh, so you're back. How are the kids? I see. What? No, of course we wouldn't mind having you over, but... what? That long? W-Well, yeah, we have some available rooms, but... Fine. Yes, I know I still owe you that one! But no more from now on! Okay. Bye then."



He cut the call and sat up muttering darkly, which annoyed the young girl who had been beneath him. Kindly, the eldest of the three girls took a hand to the junior's clit and began massaging it as she asked the man, "Father? What's wrong? It's Saotome Genma-san, isn't he?"



"Of course he is!" Tendo Soun huffed. "He's still dead set on that old stupid promise he tricked me into when we were drunk after disposing of the Master." He ran a hand over his face. "I was hoping he'd forget him, or that he'd get himself killed in one of those insane trips, anything! But no, he had to come back bringing his stupid brats, and now he has the galls to pretend we'll host him here while he regains his home..."



Tendo Nabiki, the middle daughter, rested on a side scratching herself on a buttock. "Ah, yeah, now I remember. That's the loser you told us about, the one you trained with, right?"



He had to nod. "Indeed. Worst thing is, he says he's back in town, and bringing his son with himself, so he can..."



"So he can what?" Kasumi, the eldest daughter, asked when the sentence was left unfinished, as her sister shrieked her climax under her fingers' strokes.



"Does that have anything to do with that 'promise' you just mentioned?" added Nabiki.



He only could nod sheepishly, sniffling a bit.



"Oh fuck, Daddy!" Nabiki slapped the back of his head. "Don't tell me this is about selling us in marriage, like you tried to do with Emiya-kun! Good thing he at least was enough of a gentleman to reject it..."



"Are you sure you still don't want to reconsider it?" he asked her. "The Emiyas have a lot of money, after all..."



"Yeah, but I know I can do even better than that!" argued Nabiki, as Akane tried to add her two cents but kept on just panting. "I don't deserve anything below an Itoshiki!"



"Well, there's always a solution for every problem, isn't it?" asked Kasumi, still making no efforts to cover herself. "If they're just gold diggers, we can drive them away quickly. We don't want any gold diggers around here but Nabiki-chan, after all..."



"Damn right, this is MY turf!" the middle sister nodded.



Akane finally sat up and cracked her knuckles together. "I can show these shitheads one thing or two about trying to leech us off... Really, the best approach is the straight one! You don't have to keep making concesions to guys who took advantage of you while you were drunk more than years ago, Dad!"



"Akane-chan, no," Kasumi said, polite but firm. "We've gone through this before. The carrot before the stick, and the stick is never anything but the last resource. We don't know when we ever could need someone's help..."



"Anyway, I'd like them out as soon as we can," said Nabiki, now scratching herself in the cunt. "We can't keep playing around as long as a bunch of parasites are here, crawling all over the house. How many of them are there?"



Soun began counting with his hands. "Let's see... There's Genma, his wife Nodoka, his son Ranma, and from the letters he sent me years ago, they picked up three illegitimate daughters Genma had along the way. Nodoka's got a saint's patience, God bless her, and also, what a bod... Maybe I'd pay to have her ar--"



His three daughters gave him a truly hostile glare then.



He rasped, feigning innocence. "I was just joking. Lighting the mood up. Anyway, yeah, we'll think of something to run them out. Make Saotome think breaking the agreement is his idea. He never was very smart, so it should be easy enough..."



Kasumi looked at the clock on the wall. "How long until they arrive, Father?"



"Around nine o'clock. Why?"



She crawled on top of his sitting form. "Enough time to go another round with me and Nabiki-chan before that, then. After all, we always can think better after a good fuck..."



He wasn't going to argue with that, so he pinned down against the floor and drove himself into her.



The portrait of his late wife, hanging from the wall, presided over the scene with still bright eyes.

  ---

  Much against Keiichi's expectations, Belldandy was there as well, sitting with an awkward, embarrassed expression at the lunch table, in a skirt and shirt she obviously felt uncomfortable into. Across her sat Urd, with her solid black long dress buttoned up to her chin.



"-- as I was saying before we were interrupted by the arrival of your poor, unfortunate, innocent friend forcing me to withdraw," Urd told him as soon as he saw him walking in, "I am under the moral obligation of wrestling Belldandy from your side so this world can be purified. Unfortunately, she's currently bound to you because of an ill-inspired contract, but that isn't anything that can't be solved with your extermination."



"Good afternoon, Keiichi-san," Belldandy greeted him weakly.



"Oh. Good afternoon, Bell," Keiichi nodded her way, then asked Urd, "Look, don't you guys have enough with sending giant monsters to wreck our world? Seriously, why can't she stay here if she's happy here? Regardless of how it started, Bell's perfectly contented with her life here! Aren't you, Bell?"



She chirped gleefully. "I have been fucked like I hadn't been since the Titans roamed the realms!" she said.



Urd gave her a blunt glare. "Really? These mortals do have a better hammer than Thor's? More interesting shapes than Uncle Zeus? More groping arms than Aunt Shiva? I find that difficult to believe."



Belldandy placed a hand on her own heart. "It's not about that! It's about their warmth and love, Nee-san!"



"D-Don't call address me in Weeaboo!" Urd protested, then looked at Keiichi again. "Regardless! Things must start changing, both here and up at home! The deities can't keep being primal, lustful entities blindly steaming ahead through existence, fueled by base passions! A goddess becoming a mortal's love slave! What kind of strange fetish is that? I almost long for the days when you bred tentacle monsters, Belldandy!"



"You what?" Keiichi blinked.



"You heard me. She bred them. In every sense of the word," Urd grumbled.



Belldandy made an absent, wanton smile. "I wonder how are my babies doing over at the Makai..."



"Uhhh..." Keiichi sweatdropped.



"So I am here to get you out of the way and cancel that absurd, ridiculous contract!" Urd summed up. "One way or another! It's up to you deciding if it'll be the hard or easy way! Please pick the hard one! Make my day, horny punk!"



"No, Nee-san, you can't do that!" Belldandy begged. "I love Keiichi-san! And Tenchi-san! And Grandfather Katsuhito! And Nobuyuki-san... And Ryoko-san... And the milkman... And the postman... And I haven't even fucked Sora-san, her siblings, Tamiya, Ootaki and Kakuta-sensei yet..."



"We don't have any postmen around here!" Keiichi gasped. "Don't tell me that weird hobo who walks around with an old bag tricked you!"



Belldandy waved a hand. "Oh, Keiichi-san, that's inconsequential! What matters is he needs love!"



"See? See?" Urd asked. "You're taking it too far! At this rate you'll end up in hideous sin with the whole cast of this fanfic, including your parents, your sister, our little sister, my mother, Father, Bell and Skuld's mother, and that Negi child everyone is pedophile for! I must stop this here, right from the root, before it develops into a tainted tree of poisoned forbidden fruit!"



"Can't I do something to defend myself?" Keiichi gasped as Urd pointed a sword of fire she had pulled out of nowhere at him. "I mean, I mean, come on, it surely has to be like in the movies, where Death gives the protagonists a chance over a game of lingo, or a meatball eating contest!"



"Actually, Death is more like in the Final Destination movies," Urd grinned. "We cut no deals with barely evolved primates like you!"



"Nee-san!" Belldandy pointed out. "By acting unpolitically correct towards an inferior species, you have fallen into Subclause Four of the Eleventh Commandment of Subpoema 3-B! Meaning you are obliged to give him a test to prove himself!"



Urd blinked. "Wasn't that cancelled by the Third Law of the latest addendum?"



"No! The addendum you mean was later cancelled by a more recent one issued three geological ages ago! Seriously, Nee-san, only because you are The Past, that doesn't mean you shouldn't keep yourself up to date!"



Urd blinked again, summoned a thick rulebook titled 'Da Rules' with a wave of a hand, and hastily flipped through it. "Curses! Foiled again! Me and my big mouth!" She slammed the book close and hissed, "Hissssss. I mean, very well, boy, we are going to have a match to see if you're worth of keeping Belldandy's contract..."



"NEEEEEE, BELLDANDYYYYYY!" a piss off drunk Ryoko, still high on a hangover, staggered into the house. "'S breakfast ready yet...? Or lunch...? Damn, what time is it--- Ohhh, he-llooooo.... Who's the uber hot piece of fine ass?"



Urd cringed. "An unholy spirit of depravity!" and she tightened her neck's buttons up. "Away from me, demon!"



Somewhere else, down in Hell, the Queen of all Demons hung her head down in shame. "Where did I fail? Where...?"   ---   "Ah, Ryoko-san," Belldandy warmly said. "This is my Nee-san Urd, and she's come to kill Keiichi-san and drag me kicking and screaming to Heaven against my will. I'm afraid dinner will be delayed a little..."



"What?-!" Ryoko yelled, and just as soon, an energy blade appeared in her right hand. "Like hell you're killing my second best boytoy and dragging my waifu away from me, you whore! You've just signed your fucking death sentence!"



"How barbaric!" Urd gasped, nonetheless gathering spheres of glowing power in her hands. "Uncouth wench! Prepare to suffer heavenly retribution over your offenses to morals and good taste!"



Belldandy rasped, now sounding genuinely annoyed. "GIRLS!"



The other two females lowered their instruments of death and destruction, which made Keiichi sigh in relief, since he had been between them, ducking and covering his head with both arms.



Belldandy smiled lovingly again. "Much better. Ryoko-san, don't be so hasty. As we were discussing, Urd will give Keiichi-san a chance to save his own life by defeating her in any challenge of his own choice."



"Of HIS own choice?" Urd growled.



Belldandy placed the open rulebook before Urd's face.



Urd frowned as she read. "Who wrote this one? Prometheus, right? He always had a soft spot for these apes. Never should have allowed a Titan in. Oh, very well! What's your choice of a challenge, boy?"



"Ah?" Keiichi asked.



"Don't give me Ahs!" Urd snapped. "You aren't Urashima Keitaro, and he won't debut just yet anyway! What are you good at? What could you possibly have some sort of shadow of a chance to defeat an immortal goddess in?"



"Ah... Driving motorcyles?" Keiichi weakly asked.



Urd nodded several times, firm and fast. "Perfect! A motorcycle race then, as Fujishima-sama would have liked! But rest assured, you'll regret the day you challenged the Track Queen of Yggrasil's Motor 77777777 Circuit!"



"-- but you were the one to challenge me!" he squeaked.



Ryoko chuckled and asked Belldandy, "No way! This stiff librarian is really any good with motorcycles?"



Belldandy nodded sadly. "She has won our home circuit championships for seven millenia now. She's also our current champion at waterpolo, karate, baseball, softball, voleyball, soccer, equestrians, chess, track and field, marbles, ancient dragon hunting--"



"Okay, okay, we get it," Ryoko muttered, her smile dropping. Keiichi had gone to whimper into a corner.   ---   The Next Day...



"Wow, that's really impressive, Keiichi-sempai!" Tenchi clapped as the older boy finished his latest round of test drives around the temple, taking his helmet off and sighing. "You're professional level! I don't think you should be worried about that contest after all."



"Tenchi, exactly how much do you know about motorcycle racing at all?" Ryoko snorted, sitting on a bench under a tree and between Belldandy and Katsuhito, a moment before the later's elbow absently slipped into her stomach. "WHAT GIVES, DAMN OLD MAN!"



"Thank you, everyone," Morisato smiled weakly, "But I still don't know if this is enough. After all, Urd-san has literal lifetimes of experience over me, and God knows what is her motorcycle like. I bet it's a machine that can fly and go faster than lightspeed, or something like that..."



"Oh, no, that would beat the whole purpose of a fair match," Belldandy said. "Nee-san wouldn't play dirty, bringing her own motorcycle here. Besides, just turning it on on the surface of this planet would burn Earth's atmosphere, killing all living beings on the world."



Keiichi gulped, then ventured a shaky, "I'm not sure she would mind that, actually..."



"Hey, Keiichi," Ryoko said. "If you're so worried about that, why don't you leave it to me? I'm an experienced space pilot, and I used to drive a sweet space hog while running with Lobo's gang!" That particular plot point went unexplained for the moment as she kept boasting. "I left the best of the galaxy eating cosmic dust! No librarian with a sissy sports fetish is gonna beat me!"



"Are you sure? Gee, I don't know..." Keiichi scratched his chin sheepishly, "Can that be done?"



Belldandy checked Da Rules. "Yes, but only in the event of an incapacitation of the contestant who originally issued or accepted the challenge..."



"No problem!" Ryoko cracked her knuckles together. "Don't worry, kiddo, I'll be gentle. One leg or two?"



"RYOKO!" Tenchi shouted.



"What? It's not like I'm going to break the most important part of him!" and she pointed at Keiichi's crotch. "Humans can heal remarkably fast!"



"Before trying that, why don't you see if you can drive a motorcycle from Earth?" Katsuhito suggested calmly, hands on his knees.



"GRANDPA!" Tenchi shouted.



"Worth a try!" the alien chuckled as she hopped onto the modified BMW RS with 49cc OHC air-cooled flat-twin air pipes and traditional flat-twin engine based on Oscar Liberman's special style RS with an additonal sidecar (if I got it wrong, don't blame me, blame the Internet search- thanks a lot anyway, Yosho-san, wherever you are, and yes, isn't that name an odd coincidence) as Morisato backed away warily. She turned it on again, shouted "BOOOORN TO BE WIIIIIIILD!" and quickly ran in against a tree.



"RYOKO!" Tenchi, Keiichi AND Belldandy shouted. The old man just chuckled cagily.



"I'm fine!" Ryoko growled. "Just getting used back this! Seven hundred years inside of a cave, remember?" She tried again, and crashed promptly against yet another tree.



Keiichi's tears streamed down his face. "My bike...!"



"It still can go, and so can I!" Ryoko wiped some blood off her face and tried a third time, now sliding off very quickly and flying off the vehicle to land on her face into the dirt. "... it dawns on me now I should have phased out before landing..."



"All that sex must have rotten her brain," Urd calmly opined, now standing besides the bench.



"GAH!" Tenchi jumped out of his skin. "You were here?-!"



"Yes, always," Urd nodded, as somewhere else, one Tsunetsuki Matoi spent her first cameo sneezing. "How are all of you doing?"



"Oh, good afternoon, Nee-san," Belldandy said very sweetly. "Where are you staying over?"



"Oh, I am renting a room in a nice hotel downtown. Sorry to reject your invitation, but you know I hate being a freeloader, even if only for a day. Also, meet my friend Mr. Blaze, who will be lending me his motorcycle for this race." She gestured towards a tall, caucasian man in black biker leathers, complete with dark glasses, who only nodded a token greeting.



Ryoko chuckled. "Your boyfriend, Librarian? He doesn't look your type at all! Why, maybe he should start spending more time with real women, huh, hunk...?" she purred, much to Tenchi's annoyance and Blaze's indifference.



"H-He isn't my boyfriend!" Urd's tanned cheeks managed to display an intense blush before she humphed. "We are merely good friends and lontime allies, brought together for a mutual love OF GREAT JUSTICE!" For a moment, an image of them posing together along with a petite blonde in white with innocent blue eyes and a ribbon on her head hovered above them. "And so, since my own bike isn't of legal use here, he'll be kind enough to lend me his. Mr. Blaze, please, be a dearie..."



The man nodded and wordlessly pulled along a HOT DAMN BITCHIN' Harley Davidson that made Keiichi drool and his pants to tent up. Urd mounted it, the bike, not the pants tent, that is, and gave Blaze a thumbs up. Blaze responded the same way, and then his body changed, bursting into flames but without burning his clothes off, making Keiichi and Tenchi yelp in fear. His head became a flaming, madly cackling skull, and even the bike Urd was riding on changed, becoming a much bigger and bulkier, even more HOT DAMN BITCHIN' souped up version, which Urd procceeded to quickly drive all around the temple over and over, at a speed that made Keiichi's look like that of a snail.



Keiichi dropped to his knees on the grass and began weeping.



"Well," Ryoko said. "This might be a slight problem."



"Is that even--?" Tenchi began.



Belldandy checked Da Rules again. "Not Heavenly in design, doesn't destroy the local ecosystem, so it is allowed," she quietly reported.



"You only arrived here to rub this on our faces, didn't you?" Katsuhito asked the Urd blur as it passed near him.



"Oh ho hoooooooo, of course noooot! That would be unfit of a virtuous persooooooon!"



Ryoko looked at the stranger with the burning skull. "Has anyone ever told you you kind of look like Nicholas Cage?"



"No, not really..."  

---  

As the sun slowly set down the horizon line, dark clouds began gathering in the sky. And then it began raining.



"Well, isn't this just convenient," Saotome Yue muttered darkly, marching along her sisters under a small purple umbrella shared with the second shortest girl in the group.



"We could have avoided this if only we hadn't spent a whole day wandering across town without a clue," Saotome Haruna observed, giving their father a bluntly accusing look. "Even Ryouga-kun would be laughing at us now!"



Their father gave a rather ursine growl of non-commitment, fitting since he was, right now, a panda bear walking along them and scaring the living shit out of anyone who crossed their path, sending them away running for refuge.



The oldest female in the bunch, a still attractive matron in an elegant kimono, with a threatening sword on her, kept on smiling with long practiced ease. "Oh, Haruna-chan, the area has changed so much after all these years, you can't really blame your poor, myopic, clueless father! Especially with all these wrecked streets and buildings. Aaaaahhhh, that sure had to be a nasty earthquake..."



"I heard it was a giant monster fighting a robot sent by the JSSDF!" Haruna said excitedly.



"That's just plain ridiculous," Yue muttered. "Don't you agree, Nodoka, Ranma?"



"I want to toss myself into a well and shattering my skull against the bottom," the redhaired girl with the single braid said.



Saotome Nodoka Jr. whispered something no one but Yue could decipher, her face low and blocked by her bangs of dark hair. That was apparently enough to make Yue nod in vindication. "Yes, I knew it."



Finally, they stopped before the huge old house at the end of the road, near the hillside. Yue looked around. "Has anyone realized we walked in circles all day long? I mean, look up there!" she pointed at the forests way higher into the mountains. "I can see the Masaki shrine from here!"



Her father grumbled something that tried to sound like "I never heard you pointing the right way!", but no one could understand a single word. He had to find a way to communicate in his panda form. Oh, if only he had oposable thumbs, he might have resorted to writing on signs! No, that was a stupid idea. Where could he keep thos signs anyway? Tucked into his fur? It wasn't that thick!



"That matters little now, dear," Saotome Nodoka Sr. kept on the same plastered smile as she walked up the front steps and knocked on the door, only to get no answer at first. "Good afternoon...! Tendo-kun, are you there...? It's us, the Saotomes...!"



Yue looked back, at the old, dilapidated training hall at the other side of the street. "Hmm, Mom, maybe you're knocking on the wrong door...?"



"Nonsense, dear. I remember this street as clearly as if I had last been here yesterday. This is the Tendo household. The Urashima family lives across the street, isn't that right, Genma dear?"



"GRRRWWWL!"



The front door, after a few unsuccessful knocks from Nodoka Sr., finally went down neatly cut in two when Nodoka, still smiling but with a large vein bulging on her head, swiftly pulled her sword out and slashed it with the grace of a pupil of Ishikawa Goemon.



"Mom...!" Haruna and Ranma groaned at once, as Nodoka Jr. hid behind them and Yue just kept on starting, flabbergasted, at the old ruined house across the street.



"But Mom, Father, really! It even says 'Tendo Training Hall' right there in the--!"



She noticed she was standing there alone under the rain now, as her relatives had all just walked into the much bigger house without any care in the world.



Yue blinked a few times, then sneezed.



"I should have stayed with my grandfather," she decided.   ---   "Tendo-kun...!" Nodoka Sr. kept on walking ahead, with her terrifyingly bright and beautiful smile. "Come out, we know you must have received our message, and agreements exist to be honored...! You don't want to do anything that would hurt our glorious friendship, do you...?"



The red haired girl marching before her tensed up. "Mom!" she suddenly shouted.



"Ah," Nodoka said, not missing a single split-second beat as her arm swiftly swung up to block an incoming sword slash with her own blade, the pleasant smile still etched on her face. "I know, dear. Good afternoon, dear, from your age, I assume you are Akane-chan?"



The surprised girl with fair skin and long black hair who had just sumped to strike at her under the rain fell back, quickly assuming a defense position. "Huh?" she intelligently asked, as her housemates grouped up behind her, at a prudent distance, to look at the newcomers. That woman, despite her age, had just blocked her best opening attack effortlessly, but that wasn't the surprising part of it, as her own mother and Hina-sama had proved to her even those of advanced age were often able of the greatest feats. What had just amazed Aoyama Motoko was the completely casual and relaxed that stranger had taken to being attacked out of the blue. In comparison, the fact there was a panda bear with her, one who had just gone to cowardly hide behind the intruding girls around Motoko's own age, seemed almost irrelevant."



"Oh, crap," one of the residents, a girl with long light brown hair wearing a sweater and red skirt, groaned as her face met the palm of her right hand. "I thought it finally was that gigolo Granny Hina promised us before going on her trip!"



"Mom," Yue mumbled, "I told you we got the wrong house. You better than anyone should know what happens when one intrudes into a martial artist's home..."



"Later, dear, later," Nodoka Sr. placated her before assuming the default intimidating position her senseis had taught her to freak the hell out of opponents, complete with a delicately unnerving licking of her own blade. "Well, young lady? Will you tell me where's your father, yes or not?"



"I think," Haruna opined, "she knows perfectly well, Yue. She's just looking for another excuse for a fight..."



"I heard that, Haruna-chan," Nodoka Sr. said, making her sole flesh and blood daughter (other than the one who actually was her son) shudder. "That's an awfully rude thing to say to your own mother. Wouldn't you agree, Akane-chan?"



Motoko blinked. "Akane...? Hold on, you mean Tendo Akane? She lives--"



"Engarde...!" Nodoka Sr. dashed ahead before the reveal could ruin her hopes of a perfect duel to death with a pesky anticlimactic explanation. And the sounds of furious, violent clanging of metal against metal quickly filled the old residence, along with shrill cries demanding for a stop from both sides, not to mention the goofy loud laughter of a certain dark skinned blonde...



Meanwhile, the panda snuck into the kitchen and began raiding the fridge.



There was no sense on wasting a perfectly good chance, after all!



---



"Maybe they were mugged and killed in their way here," Nabiki observed, across the street, deep into her home, as she sat around the table with her family, waiting patiently. "I mean, haven't you heard all those rumors about the biker gangs taking over the ruined parts of the city?"



"Nabiki, I don't like the idea of having them here any better than you, but you don't need to sound so hopeful while saying that!" Akane accused.



"Maybe they simply saw the general state of the city, had second thoughts, and went somewhere else?" Kasumi wondered. "God knows this isn't a place where I'd want to raise MY children anymore..." Then she pulled a pregnancy test and passed it over to Soun. "By the way, Father, we were fortunate this time as well."



He took a look at it, sighed in relief, and tossed it into the trash. "Thank the Heavens!"



"You know, one of these days, we've gotta start practicing that Montgomerian tactic called 'finishing outside'," Nabiki pondered.



"But, but, but that'd be a sin!" Soun said. "The Bible says we cannot spill our seed into the ground!"



"For the last time, we aren't Christians anyway, Dad!"



Then they heard the whole other side of the street shaking, sending shockwaves their way, and Nabiki swore "Jesus!"



Their relatives looked at her.



She snorted. "What?"



Kasumi tilted her head towards the source of the screams and sounds of violence, considered them for a moment, then said, before pouring everyone more tea, "... never mind. Motoko-chan must be having visits from a suitor again..."



Then their front door was tossed open, and a sopping panda bear was tossed on their table, making them all jump back with their fingers in the classic Takahashi Shock Hand Gesture (TM).



"I think this is yours!" a heavily pummeled and seething Aoyama Motoko, suffering from severe clothing damage and two black eyes, appeared on the doorstep. Behind her, Nodoka Sr. sighed in sweet but composed release, and several other girls were gathered up tightly close to each other, looking over each other's shoulders as best as they could.



Haruna looked around. "Man, this place is a dump. I think I'll better stay across the street anyway..."   --- "Why," the red haired girl complained, "do we have to show this to the complete strangers unrelated to us who just happen to live across the complete strangers we are supposed to become related to?"



"Don't be that stingy, Ranma," her mother tenderly said before receiving the small teapot Kasumi had just brought her from the kitchen. "Thank you, dear. Yes, this is just hot enough," she said right before rasping to clear her throat. "What will happen now will answer all your questions, but before we show you, I must ask for any of you with a weak heart complexion to leave the room..."



A tearful, heartbroken Soun began standing up, but Nabiki pulled him back down without skipping a beat.



The residents of the Tendo household and the Inn across the street (Crazy Swordsgirl, Hyper Monkeylike Girl, Unremarkable Pretty Girl with Glasses and Braids, Girl with Closed Eyes and Smoking Young Woman Who So Far Had Just Melted Into The Background) stared curiously from their positions around the overcrowded table, as Nodoka Sr. poured the teapot's contents on her eldest daughter, who shook her arms crying "Ah! Ahh! Too hot! It didn't need to be THAT HOT...!"



"Oooh, my!" Kasumi took a hand to her cheek as the girl became a just as attractive young man with black hair and the same hairstyle, who made Nabiki and Closed Eyes Girl's eyebrows rise in interest.



"Cool!" the dark skinned blonde cooed. "Hermaphrodite!"



"Wha--- NO, HE ISN'T!" the normally quiet and apathetic Yue exploded, as Nodoka Jr.'s nose also exploded, but in a shower of blood.



"W-W-What manner of sorcery is this?-!" Aoyama Motoko yelled, unsheathing her sword again, just to be blocked by Nodoka Sr. with the same ease she had shown before. "From where do you misfits come from?-!"



"All in its due time, young lady," Nodoka Sr. offered, before pouring the rest of the hot water on the panda. A moment after that, everyone was quite thankful the Saotome matriarch had placed a towel on the animal's lap before requesting for the teapot. To the gathered's gasps og shock, she only said, "Urashima-san, Aoyama-san, Narusegawa-san, Monkey Girl-san, Other Girl-san, meet my husband, Saotome Genma. And this," she patted the grumbling young man's shoulder, "is Saotome Ranma, our firstborn, and heir to the Saotome School of Indiscriminate Grappling. Well, now everything is explained!"



"Whaaaa-- No, it's not!" Akane slammed her hands on the table, which cracked by half violently as Soun sighed and looked down at it. "This only raises further questions!"



"A-hem! Allow me, then, to take over!" the girl named Haruna stood up smugly, deploying a large paper sheet she stuck on a wall with tape, and then pulling out a black marker she twirled around between clearly skilled fingers. "Graphic explanations on the subject of human sexuality and related fanservice are MY specialty! Allow me, dear public, to show you how my fine brother became a dual representation of the best both genders have to offer!"



"Oh, is that so?" Nabiki hummed, interested.



"Nabiki!" both her sisters said at once.



"I second her motion," the short haired girl with the shut eyes named Konno Mitsune nodded, taking a cigarette out and lighting it up. "I'm very intrigued about all of this...!"   ---   You all know the basic premise for Ranma 1/2, right? Do I really have to narrate the ages old sequence where Genma and Ranma fall into the accursed pools, but just adding both Nodokas, Yue and Haruna standing there and gasping along the Jusenkyo Guide? I'll take that as a no.



---



"-- and that's what happened!" Haruna cheerfully finished, pocketing her marker back on. "That was quite a thrilling, fascinating story, wasn't it?"



"I'm impressed!" Naru said. "I never thought China would be that mysterious and fascinating!"



"I concur!" Mitsune clapped. "The part where you recovered the idol was more exciting than most action movies!"



"I loved the fight against the demon bear!" Kaolla Su pumped a fist up.



"Where did the aliens fit into it all, though?" Kasumi wondered.



"Do you really think that nasty Frenchman is actually dead?" Nabiki sounded kind of worried for once.



"I'm really sorry things didn't work between you and that brave Chinese boy, Nodoka-chan..." Akane sympathetically told the sniffling young girl.



---



Okay, so this adaptation also added a few extra elements I didn't bother to cover.



---



"Regardless, waht actually matters is, now my unfortunate and cerebrally lacking honorable husband and son are suffering from these hideous curses," Nodoka Sr. sighed. "The slightest contact with cold or environment-temperature water will always turn them into a panda and a buxom, yummy young girl that would trigger my insecurities if only I was that kind of woman, and only hot water can change them back! That is so tragic!" she said, primly wiping the corners of her eyes with a silk tissue.



"So," Mitsune said, "why didn't you dump them into the Spring of Drowned Man?"



The Saotome family stared at her.



"Did I say something wrong?" Mitsune asked.



"There's no Spring of Drowned Man!" Genma said. "If there were any, don't you think we'd have been stupid enough to let that chance escape while we were there? Men aren't dumb enough to fall into springs... I mean, unless we're fatally strucky cruel fate and black luck! No, there's no Spring of Drowned Man!"



"But," Yue reminded him, "there were Springs for Drowned Lumberjack, Drowned Male Prostitute, Drowned Stuntman, Drowned Fisherman, Drowned Salaryman, Drowned Cowboy, Drowned Priest, Drowned Fireman, Drowned Voice Actor, Drowned Spaceman, Drowned Postman, Drowned Gunman, Drowned Paperboy, Drowned WWE Superstar, Drowned Porn Actor, Drowned Speed Racer, Drowned Male Stripper, Drowned Muscleman, Drowned Bishop, Drowned Cardinal, Drowned Pope, Drowned Idiot Hero, Drowned Axe Deodorant User, Drowned Conman, Drowned Emo Boy, Drowned Choir Boy, and Drowned Yes-Man. And all those were, you know, men!"



"Spring of Drowned Conman would have made for a step up..." Haruna mused.



Genma lifted his nose, which made a slight Tsun! sound, just like Ranma's. "Those jobs aren't fitting us!" they said as one.



Naru facepalmed. "Why didn't you use the Spring of Drowned Male Prostitute? We are in so much need of a resident gigolo!"



"I never heard that," Yue decided, blankly sipping from a carton of Peruvian Rutabaga Juice.



"Well..." Soun rasped, gently shaking Kaolla aside, since she had fallen asleep on his back while Yue listed the springs, "I'm afraid this cancels our agreement then, Saotome-kun. I told I'd marry one of my daughters to a man of your family, not a half-man...!"



As Nabiki and Akane nodded firmly, and kasumi seemed lost in thoughts, Ranma sprang up to his feet. "Whatcha calling me, you mustachoed walrus?-! Half a man? Even in a girl's body, I'm twice the man you are!"



"BUUUUUUURN!" Mitsune and Haruna said at once.



Soun rose to the challenge, his head assuming a monstrous, demonic oversized form, forked purple tongue hanging out, making Nodoka Jr. shriek and faint. "You have just offended me in my own house, boy! This has no pardon! Get ready to suffer the wrath of the Tendo house's strongest, because even if you were trained by your father at his best... Akane-chan will kick your ass!" he said, swiftly stepping behind his youngest daughter.



Akane blinked. "Not that I mind, but--"



"Don't fight, don't fight!" the red-haired head of the young next door neighbor peeked in through a hole in the wall.



"You stay out of this, Shirou-kun!" Nabiki pushed the head back out of sight.



"A-hem!" Nodoka Sr. coughed, and that made the room plummet into chilling silence, as a black swirling aura of killing intent surrounded her. "Tendo-kun, my dear, our dear, our oldest and closest friend... You realize how much of an affront rejecting our kind youth offer would be, in the event your hilarious jest had been serious at all, don't you...?" she mused, absently unsheathing her sword, which glistened with an unexplainable sharp metallic sound.



"Indeed," Motoko unsheated as well, producing a matching aura which overflowed the room, in combination with Nodoka's. "The given word always must be honored, no matter what. ALWAYS. That is the sacred duty of a martial artist. Anyone who would fail to honor their word amounts to less than a dog, and what I do to dogs is to skewer them and mount them on my wall..."



"She's not joking," Urashima Haruka observed quietly between cigarette puffs. "We keep telling her to get professional help, but..."



"I'll take it," a calm, beautiful Inoue Kikuko voice said.



Everyone turned to look at Kasumi, who just sat there with a perfectly even face.



"I'll take it," she repeated herself. "I'll marry Ranma-kun. I don't mind. Saotome-san and Aoyama-san are right, and Akane and Nabiki... aren't ready to tackle on marriage yet."



"K-K-KASUMI!" Akane shrieked, as Nabiki's jaw fell and Soun turned into a horrible doodle on the wall. "NO! You don't have to...!"



"I'm okay, really, Akane-chan!" Kasumi smiled gently. "Not only I find the call of a forbidden carnal relationship with a younger boy who changes into a hot buxom girl actually appealing to my basest instincts, but I'm not going to let you take the protagonism yet again, bitch!"



"Um... alright, then," Akane nodded.



Nabiki extended a few sheets of paper to the others. "Please sign this agreement stating you just heard Kasumi giving a loving, self sacrificing and heartwarming explanation for her actions to Akane, please."



Yue signed hers after a quick inspection. "I'm kind of surprised there's no small type..."



Nabiki turned the sheet around.



"First dibs in the event of an orgy?" Yue read aloud. "50% of my bribe takes in the event of becoming a public figure? Maternity rights over my firstborn? What...?"



"Oooohhh! That's like getting a free nanny!" Mitsune quickly signed hers.

  ---

  That night, Keiichi lied on his back in his futon, going over the day's events in his mind.



The girls, he had noticed it by now, had not... bothered him all night long. Which was good, he supposed. After all, he'd need to be in top shape for tomorrow's race, not that it would help him at all, but still. It'd be in bad form to show up for his death reeking of sex, with bags under the eyes and walking with open legs. And he already had, over the last couple of weeks, enough last fucks to last him an extra lifetime.



As a matter of fact, his sole regret in that regard was he never got to fuck Mishima Sayoko, but you never could have everything in your life.



Tenchi slept like a log in the futon next to his, and Keiichi found himself, not for the first time, envying the younger man. Because, well, he was younger... and with a legitimate claim on that land... athletic... fit... with a bigger cock... taller than him, and proabbly still could grow up a bit more... probably more popular tahn he ever was... and seriously, that cock...



Ugh. He had to stop thinking about that.



Think of Mishima Sayoko! Think of Mishima Sayoko! Uh. no, that made it even worse. So instead, he chose thinking about the mauling on wheels he'd get the next day.



No, that didn't make him feel any better, either.



Well, at the very least, he wouldn't die a virgin. That was an advantage he would have over his father...



---



Elsewhere, in her hotel room, Urd chuckled to herself as she rested on the tub, rubbing her left leg up and down.



"Heh, heh heh... Soon, Belldandy... Soon..."



---



Elsewhere, deep into the ocean, another mighty, towering creature stirred and began slowly, very slowly, making its way for the surface.



No, this one wasn't Godzilla either.



Using the long twin tentacles sprouting from its upper body, it began swimming for the distant Japanese shore.



---



Elsewhere, yet deeper into the ocean, a pot-bellied old man in clothes too tight for him entered the Atlantis Royal Chambers. "King Orin! Sir, we have detected yet another alien creature suddenly rising from the Marianas Trench! Just like the last one, it heads towards the surface world!"



"Mm-hmm," the blond sovereign of the Seven Seas nodded absently, while playing with his infant son and a mortified, chained tiny yellow humanoid sponge in square pants and obese pink starfish. "Towards Japan again, I assume, Professor Vulko?"



"Errr, yes, sir..."



"What have we agreed upon regarding the Japanese, Professor Vulko?"



"As long as they don't stop it with the whales, they may well go to bloody Hell for what we care, Your Majesty?"



"Precisely. Why had you felt it would be any different this time?"



"Um... Because your wife has quickly became that fan of that Oh my Saber Urusei Onegai Azumanga Saga Z 1/2! anime show in TV, and it'll be cancelled if Japan is destroyed?"



"Oh, I love that anime too!" the enslaved pink starfish gushed. "That Ryoko, what a pretty girl!"



"What?" the yellow sponge blurted out.



"Um, forget I said anything!"



The King pondered the situation in grim silence for several moments, then said, "She'll cope. Mera is strong. I mean, it's not like she can't resort to manwha anyway. We'll interfere as soon as South Korea is threatened."



"What about North Korea, Your Highness?"



"Please, Vulko, we all know monsters have their pacts of mutual respect. They only fight each other in Godzilla movies...!"



---



Yet elsewhere, high, high, boy we mean HIGH above them all, a curvaceous figure sat on a translucid floating chair, overloooking the puny mortal world beneath her.



Her fingers steppled together in the classic Gendo pose, since she still knew how to swipe from the best.



"Urd and Belldandy," she purred. "Two in a single sweep! Oh, such a merry joyous day!"



---



Next: Bug Race!