Honour, Duty, or Love?

Title: Honour, Duty or Love?
Author: JadeHeart
Located/Archived: If anyone would like it, please ask me first
Fandom: Saiyuki

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters in this, they belong to the creators of ‘Saiyuki’, nor am I making any profits

Chapter 8


Sanzo removed the cigarette from his lips and exhaled fully watching the smoke drift upwards and then out of the open window where he sat.

“Just how long are you going to just sit there?” he questioned sharply, turning to glare at the other person in the room. “You’re really starting to bug me!”

Goku sat hunkered down in the middle of the bed, back against the wall. “I’m going to make certain you don’t get into trouble again,” he said defiantly, hugging the pillow tightly to his chest, large golden eyes fixed on Sanzo’s face.

Sanzo raised a palm to cover his face in exasperation, trying to keep a tight rein on his temper but feeling it beginning to slip. “We are long gone from that place,” he said curtly for what seemed like the one hundredth time, referring to their last near escape. “So give it a rest!”

“But that doesn’t mean that something else can’t happen to you here!” Goku declared, glaring at Sanzo.

Unfortunately all too true, Sanzo silently admitted grudgingly, puffing on his cigarette in irritation as he turned to look down at the paper he was reading. Wherever they went trouble never seemed far behind. He found it very irksome.

But he also couldn’t stand having Goku spend every waking moment staring so intently at him either! It made his skin itch!

He glanced at Goku from the corner of his eye, captured once again by those golden eyes that seemed to burn with a fire so intense that he often wondered why Goku didn’t instantaneously combust.

He broke the gaze quickly, picking up his coffee and dinking it hurriedly, closing his eyes to block out that look. Goku’s gaze always seemed to be able to penetrate deep into his soul, blithely able to breach every one of his inner defences as though they weren’t even there.

He could never get away from that damn monkey; like his voice that even now still echoed in the back of his mind. It was no longer as loud as it had first been; that strident, persistent cry that had driven him to complete distraction and forced him to go in search of who it was, just to shut them up so he could finally have some peace and quiet. From the moment he had found Goku and their hands had touched, that noisy, desperate, insistent calling had ceased.

But Goku’s voice wasn’t gone completely. Now it was as though he could hear the soft gentle whisper of Goku’s voice in the back of his mind, no longer intrusive but always there, like a part of his own soul.

Sanzo angrily stubbed the cigarette out, lips thinned with anger. The damn chimp was like a thorn in his side! He could always hear his voice, when he closed his eyes he could see his face, every waking moment it seemed that golden gaze was fixed on him, wanting…something.

It was that ‘something’ that bothered Sanzo the most. He didn’t know what Goku wanted. He wasn’t even certain if the kid even realized he looked like that; with a hunger, a need, that just seemed to constantly be there. And Sanzo didn’t know why it was that knowing this made him feel so angry, so ….vulnerable.

His hands automatically reached for his packet of cigarettes and lit another, inhaling deeply, trying to calm himself.

Goku was a weakness for him. As much as he had tried to live by his belief of not needing anyone, no matter how he had tried to ensure that he would feel nothing at the loss of his companions, refused to try and influence them in anyway, following his own path as he always had, he knew…he knew he had failed in the one way. Goku -he just couldn’t get away from that damn monkey no matter what.

The worst of it was that he couldn’t even seem to make himself actually try to get away. Why had he gone in search of him in the first place? Except to save his sanity. Why had he told him to come with him? Once Goku was free he could have just left. Why had he told the kid to follow him? He hadn’t wanted anyone – he had never wanted anyone, except for his Master. He certainly had no time, or patience, to put up with the stupid antics of a moronic kid. Yet he had. He had told him to follow him and Goku did. Why? Why had Goku so obediently come with him? Why did he continue to stay with him, no matter what Sanzo said or did?

How the hell had he been saddled with this shit?! Was this some sort of divine retribution from a past life? Sanzo chewed on the stub of his second almost burnt out cigarette. He refused to be dictated to by past reincarnations or destinies. He was himself and he chose for himself what his path was to be. He would not be maneuvered by anyone else like some mindless puppet. He frowned fiercely. He would not be anything less than himself!

He looked again at Goku. So why couldn’t he break free of those eyes?

-oOo-

Goku squeezed the pillow tighter, watching Sanzo drink from his coffee mug.

He knew Sanzo was thinking hard about something. He could tell by the two tiny lines that could be seen between his eyebrows. He also knew Sanzo was pissed at him being here but that was okay. He only had to worry when he saw that tic on Sanzo’s cheek, which was usually followed with him getting whopped by Sanzo’s fan. Sanzo hadn’t twitched yet so it was still safe.

Even though he knew Sanzo didn’t really want him here he couldn’t bring himself to leave. It had been five days since they had escaped the zombie town and they hadn’t had any further trouble during this time, either in the three days camping in the mountains or since they had arrived in this town yesterday. Still he couldn’t help but worry. He worried that something would happen to Sanzo again if he left his side.

He knew Sanzo could take care of himself; that wasn’t why he wanted to stay by his side. Protecting him was part of it certainly, but it was more just a need to be there. Whenever the threat was there that he might lose Sanzo he just couldn’t bear it. The pain would feel like he was being torn in two.

He buried his face in the pillow. He had done some terrible things before when Sanzo had got hurt. He’d gone crazy a couple of times; hurt his friends, even hurt Kougaiji who he still just couldn’t think of as an enemy no matter how hard he tried. He liked Kougaiji! He was happy to fight him but he didn’t do it because he hated him. He didn’t want to actually kill him. But he almost had. And Hakkai and Gojyo too.

He squeezed his eyes tightly shut for a moment, trying to block out those memories. He didn’t want to do that again, he really didn’t. But when Sanzo was hurt, he didn’t seem able to control himself. He just felt like a part of him was missing if Sanzo wasn’t there and speaking to him. It left him feeling…empty.

He raised his eyes and looked at the seated figure across the room. The morning sun cast a warm glow through the window beside Sanzo, forming a glowing aura around Sanzo where he sat. The light seemed to be intensified as it shone on the golden hair, forming a halo.

He is my sun, Goku thought, feeling his chest tighten as he gazed at the other man. From that first moment I saw him through the bars of my cage.

Goku remembered that the sun had been setting that day, the day Sanzo had come to him. It had rested on the horizon behind Sanzo, the last rays of light seeming to gather around him where he stood. The sight had completely transfixed Goku, mesmerizing him.

He hadn’t fully understood what Sanzo had meant when he had told him to stop calling for him. He knew he hadn’t been calling out to anyone; except in his heart, pleading for someone to come so he wouldn’t be left alone any longer. He hated being alone. It was so…lonely.

Then, when Sanzo had reached out his hand, he had unthinkingly mirrored the gesture, and at the touch of their fingertips his chains and the bars had disappeared and he was free. He could have gone anywhere then. There was absolutely nothing to stop him. Except the man with the golden hair who had told him that he was coming with him.

Suddenly Goku felt like he belonged. Someone wanted him, needed him. No longer was he alone. He never wanted to lose that. Although he had come to care for others, like Gojyo and Hakkai, Sanzo was still his one and only. He wanted to bathe in that glow, wallow in it, bury himself entirely in that warm body and feel it against his.

Sanzo turned his way again, capturing his gaze and Goku was unable to turn away. He just wanted to remain where he was, staring deeply into those unusual violet eyes that kept pulling him in deeper and deeper. He felt his body begin to flush with a strange heat that began deep within his soul. Why did he want to reach out to this person so badly?

“I guess there’s no helping it,” He heard Sanzo say, closing his eyes as he reached up and took off his reading glasses.

Goku waited, wondering what Sanzo meant. Was Sanzo going to explain why he felt like this? Why this fire kept building more and more strongly within him every day? He waited, almost holding his breath, his entire body tense with anticipation, until he could contain himself no longer.

“What?” Goku almost begged.

“THIS!” Sanzo yelled and the paper fan crashed down upon Goku’s head. “Now will you get the fuck out of my room, you dumbass chimp!!!”

Goku ducked and fled, hearing the shattering of pottery as the coffee cup followed closely behind but he managed to close the door just in time to prevent it from leaving the room with him.

He stood in the hallway, back against the door, breathing heavily.

“So he finally chased you out, did he?”

Goku turned his head to see Gojyo coming towards him, Hakkai only a few steps behind.

“What if he did?” Goku replied a little belligerently.

“Nothing,” Gojyo answered around the cigarette in his mouth. “Just surprised it took this long.”

“Now, Gojyo, there’s no need to tease.” Hakkai put in with a soft smile. He looked at Goku. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah,” Goku said, wiping at his nose with the back of his hand and then gave Hakkai a thumbs-up, grinning. “In fact, I’m famished!”

He took off at a run, heading for the stairs to the dining room below. “Hurry up, you two, or I’m gonna eat the whole lot!”

“Don’t be a greedy pig, you monkey!” Gojyo roared at him, swiftly following.
“You’re too slow, stupid kappa!” was Goku’s reply.

-oOo-

Sanzo could hear the commotion coming from the other side of the door. None of them were exactly bothering to keep their voices down. They were sure to get some complaints from the other guests in the hotel at this rate.

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. They were so much trouble all the time.

He stood and straightened his robes, walking towards the door. He glanced down at the broken pieces at its base. He would ask the innkeeper to clean it up while they were eating. Great, another expense to add to the bill. He swore he was going to take every last cent out off that stupid monkey’s hide one day!

He exited and made his way down the stairs, still able to hear the racket that Goku and Gojyo were causing as they argued and fought over the food. In some ways it pleased him. This was the way that Goku usually behaved. The silent staring over the past few days had been too strange and didn’t suit the perpetually active young man.

So why was it that he felt that he was already missing that golden gaze?

Sanzo looked up at that moment and saw Goku’s eyes fixed on him, although he was still talking a mile a minute to Gojyo as though nothing else was distracting him, but Sanzo felt himself held in place by that look until Goku glanced away again.

Perhaps that was actually what was normal, he thought as he continued over to take the vacant chair at the table. Perhaps it was the most normal thing in the world for those golden eyes to always be looking at him.

~~~

A/N: After coming this far I couldn’t decide which couple I would like to see together so I’m going to try something different (for me). I’m going to write a number of alternate endings; each with a different pairing. That way readers can choose the ending they wish to read according to their couple preference.