The Fine Line

Disclaimer of Delinquency: I don’t own D.Gray-man. If I did… the Lotus curse situation would have been explained hella days ago.

WARNING: There is some exceedingly mild shonen-ai (boy-on-boy action) in this chappy, so don’t go psycho when you read it… unless it’s fangirl psycho. That’s ok.

Allen watched as Kanda left the room silently, a look of deep thought on his face. Had he just hugged Kanda and survived? Was there seriously lightning running up and down his limbs uncontrollably? And was his heart on overdrive for some reason, or had it always been that fast?

When he had held Kanda so close he had felt…different. It was like the world had stopped moving for that one instant, stood still for the two them. His lips burned oddly at the memory.

Why doesn’t it bother me? He thought, still looking at the door as he changed his clothes. I want him. I want to be with him. I… but the last word would not come. He sank down on the bed and took the ruined pieces of his coat in his hands, studied the perfect slash that had severed the Exorcist’s star in two. His voice shook when he spoke, sounding small and weak against the crackle of the fire. “Do I?”
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Lloyd watched the Japanese Exorcist come down the stairs with an odd look on his face, almost like he wasn’t seeing anything around him – and he didn’t care if Lloyd talked to him. It was very strange. The man had exuded friendliness like a skunk exuded perfume, so his change in demeanor was completely obvious.

“Ah, morning Kanda! I made lots of food, if Allen feels up to eating.” Lloyd’s enthusiastic voice evoked a glare from him, a glare that he did not mean.

“Che, take it up to him. I’m going out.”

Lloyd’s heart sank. Out? Had something happened between the two of them? “But I can’t possibly carry all of this up there myself! And you’re most likely hungry too.”

He had a point there. Kanda hadn’t eaten more than a bite of dinner the night before. Maybe he could find a way to deal with his thoughts and that Moyashi at the same time.

“Fine.” He sighed the word then moved to lift one of the trays that lie before the hearth, keeping warm in the flame. “How did you cook all of this with the stove gone anyway?” When he had the first tray balanced he took another in his left hand. The balancing act was done very, very carefully.

Lloyd smiled. “Cold, open faced sandwiches don’t really require the use of a stove.”

Kanda glowered at him as they turned back to the stairs. He had been looking forward to a nice, long, cold walk in the snow to clear his head. That’s what he needed. Time alone. Obviously something was wrong with his curse to have it heal someone he did not want to sacrifice himself for, and he needed to think about what it could be. There was also a single thought lingering in the very back of his mind that annoyed him like a bug under his skin, eating away at his resolve and his reason. A thought that made him giddy and hateful at the same time.

I do not.
Oh, I so do.
Do not.
Lies!
If I do, then I feel that way for a least one other person.
Not true. I only want to run my hands through Allen’s hair.
Since when do I want to run my hands through his hair?
Not important. What’s important is that I do.
Ugh, I do not feel like that!
Really? Then why am I telling myself that I do?
Because I don’t?
That’s ridiculous! I DO!
No, I do not!
Yes, absolutely I do!

His internal dialogue did not cease until his eyes caught the doorknob. His thoughts took a different turn then, like what he would do if Allen hugged him again. Die. He decided fatalistically. Killing him isn’t really an option anymore, so I’ll just die. And then the door opened.

Allen almost fainted when he saw him, standing in the doorway, food tray in hand, scowling like he hated him for breathing. That look was perhaps the second most attractive he’d ever seen in his life. How could he have not seen it before in Kanda’s eyes? That loneliness, that confusion, that hunger. Kanda did not hate him. The soft glow to his features was not caused by a desire for violence, but for a desire for something different.

Allen physically shivered.

Kanda felt that the air in the room had suddenly grown closer when he came in; the silver irises of the boy on the bed almost stopped him dead. When had the Moyashi learned to make a face like that? Komui looked at Reever like that, Lavi looked at Lenalee like that when he thought no one was looking, but no one – no one – ever gave that look to Kanda Yuu. Allen’s half lidded eyes glimmered in the winter light and his snow white hair fell so it masked his true expression. In his hands was a folded piece of rice paper that was crumpled as if it had served longer than it should have.

Kanda knew then that he had been lying to himself.

“Lloyd,” Allen said brightly. His voice broke the illusion that had settled over him, making him into normal, sweet Allen once more. “Kanda has enough food for both of us on his trays.”

Lloyd blinked. What was it with the two of them? Were they lovers or not?

“Ok. I’ll leave an extra one outside just incase you change your minds,” There was something unspoken at the end of that, but Allen did not ask. Or if you need a snack when you’re done, Lloyd’s mind finished. He skipped out of the room with a smile on his face, wishing that he could call Sable and tell her this splendid new development. Or what he hoped was a splendid new development. It might have been a crappy old one for all he knew.

When he was gone, Allen looked at Kanda as if expecting him to speak.

Kanda sighed and offered him the tray. Allen tucked away the paper and accepted it grinningly.

“So,” He chimed, taking a piece of bread and smearing it in caviar, “Going to talk?”
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“I come bearing ginger!” Lavi chimed with far too much enthusiasm. Sable was going to kill him or throw up on him; she hadn’t decided which he would think was worse. “Now all you have to do is stop heaving long enough to eat some.”

“I have stopped, you nitwit.” She had turned away from the side and leaned against it, holding her head in her shaking hands while the wind whipped past her. She was very pale.

Lavi knew from her response that something was wrong, something besides the seasickness. “Are…you alright?”

She sucked in a shaking breath before letting it out again, closing her eyes as she did. She was going to sound crazy, but it didn’t really matter. Sure, Lavi was a Bookman in training, but that didn’t mean he’d tell. “Have you ever…had the sinking feeling that someone you knew was watching you?”

He rubbed his head for a moment while he tried to remember. “Meh, most of the times I’ve felt like that, Panda was watching.” His face scrunched up in a curious expression, his one clear eye turned to look at her closely. “Why?”

“Because I feel like there’s someone here, who I know, watching me.”

“That’s creepy.”

“Ugh, yes, it is, and you aren’t helping.”

“Sable-chan, does being watched make you jumpy?”

“Yes! And irritated, and annoyed, and it puts me in a pretty foul mood.”

“I can see that…”

“Lavi.”

“What?”

“Just… don’t talk to me.”

He frowned at her, seriousness taking over for his usually bouncy personality. “Here,” He offered her the ginger. “You take it and I’ll look around for anyone suspicious.”

Sable sighed and took what he offered, trying to calm herself. “Alright. If you see anything odd, call. And don’t get distracted by women.”

Lavi narrowed his eyes at her and turned away, mumbling about how this was more important than any woman who could catch his eye. They both knew he was lying.
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“It’s a curse.”

“What’s a curse?”

Kanda found himself poking his food again, not really eating it. Allen seemed to have no trouble stuffing his face with caviar and bread and cheese and herring and all manner of things. He didn’t realize how lucky he was with those taste buds.

“This,” He put his palm over his heart to indicate the tattoo there.

“So…that whole thing about you not touching cursed people…”

“Was a lie to make you leave me alone?”

“Oh.” Allen picked up another sandwich and took a bite of it. “What does it do?”

Kanda sighed. This was the hard part. The very hard part. The part he had not been looking forward to. “It is the reason I heal so quickly.”

Allen nodded.

“And why I am immune to the akuma’s virus.”

“Uh huh… get to the point…”

Since when did the Moyashi tell him to do anything? “If someone else is wounded, it can heal them.”

Allen stopped eating for a moment, looked unfalteringly at the Japanese man sitting in the chair across from him. “You mean… it healed me?”

Slowly, Kanda nodded. “And I felt the pain that you endured all night when I woke up.”

The boy blinked at him, disbelieving. “How come…I’ve never heard of you doing that before?”

“Che,” Kanda rolled his eyes. Yeah, like he’d ever let anyone find out about the two times it had happened before. Well, anyone but the person who’d been there. “Because it does not just happen.”

Silence. Allen’s shoulders slumped when he had to ask him to continue.

“Basically, what it comes down to is…” Kanda’s mouth was dry. It had not been this hard to tell Lavi about it – because they were friends and friends cared, so it wasn’t a big deal when he’d saved him. “I must have the correct mentality for it to work on you. I must…” Die now, Yuu. Just drop dead. It would be easier… His palms were suddenly covered in a thin layer of sweat despite the cold. “Be willing to die.”

Allen froze. Kanda had always told him to look out for himself, told him that he hated self-sacrificing people, and yet… and yet…

“You’re saying that, you would die to save me?”

Kanda’s bottom lip twitched while he tried to respond. Allen was getting that look again. That look that made Kanda feel like running his hands through that soft white hair and pressing their chests together. The look that made him swallow harder.

“Moyashi, why are you looking like me like that?”

Because you just admitted that you care and you’re looking at me with that same expression you did when I hugged you and I just wanna – Allen’s thoughts stopped being words there. He stood.

The older Exorcist wasn’t sure what was going on or whose idea it was. Suddenly Allen’s hand was on the side of his face, softly, tracing the line of his jaw to his throat, angling his face upward. His limbs tingled as his blood turned to fire in his veins, his lips burned for Allen to touch them. He realized then how much a fool he really was. He had denied that he’d even liked Allen and now he was feeling this?

“What are you afraid of, Kanda?” Allen held his eyes with his, searching those sapphire pools for even a shred of hate, a scrap of discontent. “Why didn’t you just tell me?”

“Because I might have lost you.”

Allen brought his lips down on the other man’s, desire winning out over the logic that told him how Kanda would pull away, cast him a side, told him that there was just no way he was getting out of this kiss alive, because Kanda’s idea of losing him was not Allen’s. His right hand came up and ran through Kanda’s hair, the supple strands slid through his fingers like black water. The last soft thing he’d ever touch if Kanda killed him for this. But then he felt a hand on his neck, cupping the base of his skull as if to pull him closer.

He couldn’t mean…Kanda’s not… But the lips against his kissed back, parted ever so slightly, giving his questing tongue entrance to the soft warmth within. He collapsed against the other Exorcist when another hand came up and touched the small of his back, drawing him still closer.

Kanda could not believe what was happening. He liked it, but he did not believe it. After all he had said to Allen, all the hate he had directed at him, how were they doing this? And why did it make him so damn happy?

When the kiss broke Allen was straddling Kanda’s lap, his hands on either side of his face. The older Exorcist looked at him with eyes as round as dinner plates.

“Lose me? You’re silly, Kanda. Why would you lose me from wanting to protect me?” The hand on his neck moved to his shoulder and to his hand, his left hand, and held it tightly.

The worry in Kanda’s eyes was completely irrational and more than adorable. “Some people don’t want to be protected.”

Allen smiled at him and planted a smaller kiss on his lips, abandoned the hand in his so he could touch Kanda’s shoulders, feel his spine, he tired to explore the places he had seen but never felt. It was glorious. When they parted he was nearly breathless, the man beneath him was breathing hard as well, looking at him with wide, disbelieving eyes. The look made him giggle.

“Are you going to start calling me Allen now?” He asked, running the fingers of his right hand through his hair again, stopping to toy with the ends of it.

“Che, stupid Moyashi-kun,” Kanda smirked as he took him by the collar to yank him fully into his lap. “Like you care what I call you at this point.”
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And, because people don’t generally just fall on their beds right away, we shall leave them at a make-out scene, YAY!! Slowly coming up on the first lemon. In a tad :D