To the Moon and Back

Chapter 8



Halfway through the night, Hiroki determinedly forced himself to wake up. Blinking in the darkness, it took him awhile for his eyes to adjust to the lack of light. Once accustomed to the darkness, he got up quietly, and turned on the small night light they had in the corner of the room, and then returned to the futon, to Nowaki’s side.



Hiroki sat there quietly and pensively, watching his lover’s peaceful sleeping face. He reached a hesitant hand towards Nowaki’s face, caressing it gently, tracing the angles and dark shadows on his face, something he’d never do if the other was awake. He felt like he had nothing much to lose anymore, seeing as how he’d be leaving once Nowaki went to work in the morning. He didn’t ever want to forget his bright smile that seemed to beam sunshine, or his caring eyes, or the warmth from his embrace, or the thrill his touch gave him. There was so much about Nowaki that he loved and cherished, and even though he had to leave, he would be taking all the wonderful memories they shared, happy, sad, bittersweet and funny times with him, kept permanently locked up in his heart.



He knew he was selfish for initiating so much last night, giving Nowaki the false hope that everything was alright, only to leave tomorrow. He knew he should have been keeping his distance if he wanted Nowaki to believe he had a change of heart, but he could not do it. To have to leave him was bad enough, but to distance himself physically & emotionally during what limited time they had left together was cruel. And that he could not do.



So Hiroki sat there, through the whole night, just watching Nowaki’s face and the rise of his chest with each precious breath, and as usual, time flew by so quickly, that before he realised, it was almost time for Nowaki to get up. He quickly turned off the night light and slipped between the sheets and into Nowaki’s warm embrace. Nowaki always felt so warm, like a hot water bottle, and he could feel the warmth immediately radiating through his body. He bit down hard on his lip, clenching his eyes tight, willing himself not to cry or make any sound and give up his charade... despite the aching pain in his heart. Without noticing, his charade became real, and lulled by the warm loving embrace of Nowaki, Hiroki drifted off to sleep.



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‘RINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!’



Hiroki sat up with a jerk, seeking out the source of the noise. It was the alarm he had set the previous night in case he fell asleep. He looked beside him, and on the empty side of the futon lay a note from Nowaki.



‘Thank you Hiro-san for last night. It was wonderful. I love you Hiro-san. I’ll try to come home as early as I can, I’ve missed you so much recently.’



Clenching the note tightly in his fist, all he could think of was how Nowaki would feel when he rushed home after work, only to find the apartment empty and Hiroki gone.



‘NO NO NO NO NO NO! Don’t think of that! Just concentrate on what you have to pack, and what last minute things you have to do before you leave. Don’t think of anything else. You have to leave and thinking about other things is not going to make it any easier!’ Hiroki screamed at himself mentally. He had to get ready for his train was in two hours, and he had to leave in an hour.



Forty-five minutes later, Hiroki was packed and ready to go. His packed bags sat by the door, and all that was left for him to do was to write a letter to Nowaki. Hiroki was a literature professor, and by no means found writing difficult, but this letter, was so painful to write, that all he could do for awhile was grip the pen tightly while staring blankly at the piece of paper.



With a shaking hand, he lowered the pen to the paper, and painstakingly wrote the letter.



‘Dear Nowaki,



Thank you for everything the past few years, it was wonderful. But as time has gone by, I realise that I’m no longer in love with you. We have drifted too far apart in our goals in life, you are on your way up, and you have so much more you can and should achieve, while I’m just happy being where I am now. I do not think our relationship is suitable for each other anymore, and I hope you understand my reasons for doing this. Please do not look for me, as I do not wish to be found by you. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for my sudden decision for I just couldn’t bear it any longer. I have to leave. I wish you all the best in your career and your life, and hope you become the best paediatrician I know you can be and find someone who you love more.



I will not be needing my apartment anymore, but I have added your name as a co-owner of the place... for all the contributions you’ve made to this house. Feel free to continue living in it till you find a new place.



Goodbye.



Hiroki’



Stiffly setting his pen down and placing the letter on the table where Nowaki would be sure to see it, Hiroki took a look around his apartment, no, their apartment. This place held so many memories, so much was given and lost here. He did not want to leave, but he had to, and so with a last glance at the picture of Nowaki and him in the living room, he took a long shuddering breath, picked up his bags swiftly, and walked out of the door and out of Nowaki’s life.