Blood & Chocolate

Chapter 7: Blood & Chocolate

“In fear I hurried this way and that. I had the taste of blood & chocolate in my mouth, the one as hateful as the other.”
Hermann Hesse - Steppenwolf

Gojyo stood dumbly in the open doorway of the spare bedroom. The bed was made precisely, as if it hadn't been slept in for months and the nightstand was empty. The closet was bare save for a few stray hangers. Sometime before the hanyou had awoken from his nightmares, Sanzo had left. There was no note, no reason as to why. It was as if the blond hadn't been there at all, as if it had been a ghost or a dream that occupied his walls, his thoughts, his memories day after day.

He sat on the bed, his heart aching in his chest. It was over. A flash of color caught his eye and he bent down to pick up the abandoned book on the floor, Steppenwolf by Hermann Hesse. He noticed the pencil shoved in the middle of the pages, and opened it to read a passage to himself that Sanzo had circled. Gojyo closed his eyes, and inhaled a deep breath.

“Fuck!” he yelled sharply as he threw the book out the door into the hallway, burying his hands in his hair. For the first time in months, Gojyo cried.


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“Well, you certainly look awful,” Hakkai admonished when Gojyo answered the door. The redhead rolled his eyes and opened the door wider in invitation.

“Nice to see you too, 'Kai,” Gojyo grumbled as allowed his best friend to cross his threshold. “You here to make me feel worse?”

“I brought you some leftovers,” the brunet replied with his trademark smile. He crossed past the hanyou into the kitchenette and placed the carefully wrapped box into the refrigerator. He paused as he closed the icebox, his fingers resting on the handle. “I think we need to talk, Gojyo.”

“Kai, if you're here to chastise me, you can go home,” the redhead said evenly as he lit a cigarette, leaning against the counter across from the other man.

“Gojyo, I know about you and Sanzo.” Gojyo brought his eyes up to meet fierce green, dumbfounded.

“How?” Hakkai breathed out a pleasantly low chuckle.

“He told me, silly. He comes over for tea at least twice a week, you know that.”

“Hmph,” the redhead grunted as he took another drag. “Well, isn't that just fucking wonderful. You two gossiping like a couple of old spinsters.” Hakkai's expression softened, but his smile remained, not really reaching his eyes.

“You and I both know it's not like that, my friend. Come, sit,” he said as he extended a hand to Gojyo's table. Reluctantly, the redhead complied, grabbing his ashtray and sitting at his usual place at the table. There was a quiet pause as each began to clear their thoughts.

“Listen, Kai. I didn't force Sanzo to do anything, if that's what this is about.”

“I know you didn't.”

“He came on to me first.”

“I know.”

“Then why-”

“Sanzo has had a very hard time adjusting to-”

“But Goku's been gone for a year!” Gojyo exclaimed as he slammed his hand against the table in frustration. “He's had his time to adjust, just like the rest of us.” Hakkai's smile faded.

“It's not about Goku, Gojyo,” he replied flatly. “Sanzo was asked to step down.”

“What?” Gojyo's mouth didn't close. He sat staring at his best friend in disbelief. Sanzo was the highest ranking monk in Chang'An. How could they possibly ask him to just step down?

“He didn't give me a lot of details, only that he was summoned before the Sanbutsushin, and upon completing his mission, our mission, they relieved him of his duties to live his life in peace. I don't really think even he understands their motives.”

Gojyo pulled a drag of his cigarette in contemplation. He wouldn't deny that the information Hakkai privvyed him to was false. It made sense in a way, considering how Sanzo had come to live with him. Still, he couldn't quite wrap his mind around Sanzo not being, well Sanzo, though it did explain why Mrs. Utsumi had called him 'Kouryuu' a week ago.

“I think,” Hakkai continued, “the Three Aspects feel that with the world's current spiritual stability, it was better to free him of their bond, but that's not to say they will never call upon him again. After our return, Sanzo was more or less a mindless shell. He didn't say as much, but I believe that has something to do with their decision. I think that a large part of him was buried under that same peach tree with Goku.”

“Yeah,” Gojyo agreed. “He was a mess when he came here.” Hakkai smiled.

“Yes. But, if anything, I think being here has made him feel more alive than anything, though I don't suppose he'd ever say that out loud either.”

A silence passed between the two friends. Gojyo took one last drag of his cigarette before stubbing it out into the ashtray. He felt yet another aching pull in his chest. Hakkai rose from the table and bent to pick up something left abandoned on the floor. It was the book that Gojyo had found in Sanzo's room, the book he couldn't bring himself to pick up since Sanzo left. The green-eyed man carefully opened it and it fell where the pencil had been shoved in.

“In fear I hurried this way and that. I had the taste of blood and chocolate in my mouth, the one as hateful as the other,” he read aloud. “Hmmm, that's kind of fitting,” he added absent-mindedly.

Gojyo shrugged. He began to fidget slightly as Hakkai casually flipped pages in the book before sitting it down on the table and letting out an exasperated sigh. The brunet reached out and placed a hand on his best friend's shoulder comfortingly.

“I miss him,” Gojyo said brokenly. He felt Hakkai give his shoulder a gentle squeeze.

“I know. Just give it some time. He'll come around.” The redhead brought his eyes up to meet his friend's gaze. This time, Hakkai's smile reached those eyes, and Gojyo half-heartedly returned it.

“Yeah, yeah. He always does.”

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep, I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
And hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop this pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight
I Miss You – Blink 182