Black and Gold

Forgive the radio silence – I’ve been busy this semester with teaching and family issues. Please to be enjoying the update – this is a sappy-ass chapter. It wasn’t meant to be, but somehow Tenma needed a chance to forget his spine and Johan wanted to grow a heart to compensate.

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Tenma stood in the middle of the foyer of his parents’ house, looking lost and small. It wasn’t just the impressive size of the mansion; it was Tenma himself who seemed to be folded in on himself, almost childlike. Johan watched him from the doorway, feeling like there was a vast distance between them, one that he didn’t know how to bridge.

He listened to Tenma speak with the detective quietly, eyes downcast and bewildered. A door slammed outside… the coroner’s van. Johan stayed still, quiet, eyeing the detective with distrust. He could tell that the other wanted to be able to pin this on Tenma. The doctor had a perfect alibi this time, thankfully.

It took forever, before the questioning was over and the detective left. Johan still watching Tenma, who finally just sank into a chair, looking absolutely exhausted.

Johan said nothing. What could he say? What did he know about this, and even if he did know something about comforting people, even when he didn’t quite empathize… did he really want to offer something false to Tenma?

Somehow, he didn’t. It didn’t strike him as wrong so much as just… undesirable.

Instead of speaking, he went to stand behind Tenma, hands slipping to his shoulders, ignoring the momentary tensing of them and simply starting to massage them, gently, trying to soothe him somehow.

It was not something he considered himself skilled at, but it didn’t seem to matter much. Tenma’s eyes slid shut, and the horrible tightness left his shoulders gradually. Eventually the doctor was breathing deeply and slowly. Asleep.

Johan breathed a deep sigh, realizing it was relief. He slipped away from the doctor, searched different, well-appointed rooms until he found a blanket, and then came back to tuck it around Tenma before he settled down to keep watch on him.

He didn’t know when he fell asleep, but when he opened his eyes, the room was bright and golden with morning. And Tenma was gone.

Johan refused to panic, though he could feel the familiar slicing along his nerves like an electrical shock or an ice-cold shower. He stood, looking through the house. He wasn’t in the kitchen, the bedrooms, the bathroom… And then he caught sight of him.

He stepped outside, frowning deeply. The mansion was on a hill that overlooked the seaside, and he almost hadn’t seen Tenma, quite far down the hill, sitting on the edge between dirt and sand. a swing that consisted of a single piece of wood tied in the middle to a the rope. From this distance he almost looked like a child, his back to Johan, but still he could identify the way he sat and moved, swaying just a little in the stiff ocean breeze.

Quietly he followed the small dirt trail down the hill. The rustling of trees in the wind drowning out most of the traffic noise, blending with it. It was a very calm place, almost eerily so. Still, it suited Tenma somehow. Sleepy, subdued intensity – languid wildness.

“Johan.”

Johan stood there awkwardly, just watching Tenma for a moment before going to join him, standing next to him. “How are you?”

“Fine.” Tenma shrugged a little. “Numb.”

“Your parents..”

“We were never that close.” Tenma cut him off.

Johan took a breath, sighing. “How is it to be home?”

“Fine, I suppose. He seemed very detached and Johan frowned, tilting his head a little.

“Don’t you consider this home?”

“It’s… was home to my family. They belonged here.” He smiled a little, almost wistfully. Johan tilted his head just a bit, sensing loneliness in the expression.

“Belonged here?” He thought for a moment, considering Tenma. “You don’t mean the house. You mean Japan, don’t you?”

Tenma looked at Johan, curiously. “Japan?”

“Yes. Do you feel like you belong here?”

Tenma shrugged, looking out over the city that lay between them and the harbor. “Not really.”

“Then Germany?”

“No…” Tenma shrugged a little. “My father’s hospital, though, did feel like a home. When I was a child”

He frowned a little, watching the other from the corner of his eye. “Not anymore?”

“No. Eisler Memorial did too, for some time… but not anymore either.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It isn’t your fault.” Tenma hesitated for a moment, seeming a little awkward, almost shy. “Has anything ever felt like home to you?”

Johan paused for a moment, thinking. Shivered when the wind from the harbor picked up. “I suppose so.”

“Where?” Tenma’s voice was so soft he almost didn’t hear it, but he knew what he said.

He cleared his throat a little, surprised to find that it was tight. “The end of the world.”

He could hear Tenma draw his breath in, was startled when his cold hand was caught in a light, warm grip. “That isn’t a home, Johan.”

“I felt like I belonged there.”

Tenma shook his head, drawing Johan to stand in front of him, looking at him seriously. “Home is different than that. It’s more than just belonging.”

Johan looked down at Tenma, curious and caught by the intensity in his eyes. It was surprising to him how young the doctor could make him feel sometimes – often he felt like he was the worldly one. Perhaps they just were from different worlds. “How?”

Tenma looked like he was grasping for words. Normally, Johan would have just smiled and continued on, but this was Tenma. He might not have been the most eloquent person but his opinion mattered. So Johan listened. “You don’t have to be afraid or.. defensive or anything like that when you’re home. It’s someplace you’re safe and can… feel.” He trailed off, a little lamely, but it still struck a chord in Johan.

He reached a hand to brush some of Tenma’s hair back, keeping it out of his face in the wind. “Is that why you work so hard?”

“I don’t work that hard..” The protestation was mild at best.

“You do.”

Tenma tilted his head, admitting his defeat. “It’s where I feel happiest.”

Johan sighed a little. “Is that the only time you’re happy?”

Tenma hesitated a minute, then smiled, sliding off the swing and taking his arm, starting to walk further down towards the small, rocky beach. “Of course not.”

“When else, then?”

Tenma shrugged. “Simple things make me happy. Like when I have a good meal with friends. Everything is right in that moment.”

“You’re too easy to please.” Johan teased gently, but also in a bit of envy.

“Maybe.” Tenma pulled him to sit on the sand, pulling off his shoes, helping Johan to do the same. Their bare feet cracked the hardened sand left from high tide. Johan sniffed a little, vaguely uncomfortable, disliking feeling of it between his toes. It felt dirty, drying. He poked at a piece of hardened sand, frowning.

“Is it okay, that I still call you Johan?” Tenma asked, a sudden breaking of the silence that startled him.

“Why wouldn’t it be?” He looked up from the sand.

Tenma shrugged, looking uncomfortable. “I know it’s just one of the names you’ve been called…. It’s not really yours.”

“But it’s what you call me.” Johan smiled softly. “Perhaps that’s enough.”

Tenma looked like he was struggling with something, then just took a deep breath. “You’re letting me name you?”

Johan rested a hand on his shoulder lightly, and Tenma looked up at him, still seeming troubled.

“In a way. Whatever name you choose to call me, I love.”

“What if you had a real name? Something your mother gave you…?”

“I don’t. And even if I did, it wouldn’t matter.” He tried not to let his features cloud. He remembered something, vaguely – but he couldn’t tell if it was a dream or not. Even if it wasn’t, he didn’t care. “She wasn’t worthy to name me.”

Tenma sighed and leaned up, brushing lips over his cheek. It was a soothing gesture, not quite paternal, but definitely not sexual. Johan closed his eyes and let him, wondering just who the doctor was trying to comfort.

It took a moment before he realized that Tenma was speaking softly against his cheek. “The truth is… Hattori-san won’t stop. He’ll definitely want to kill me, now that I’ve defied him. Probably you too, once he realizes how much you know.” Tenma looked down at his hands. “And I don’t know that I can stop it. It’s too big.”

Johan drew back. He stared at Tenma and was silent for a long moment. “What do you mean?”

Tenma shrugged, looking utterly defeated. “He isn’t like you.”

“Like me?”

“He isn’t.. he doesn’t have a past like yours.”

“He does. Everyone does.”

Tenma didn’t respond, closing his eyes. Johan hissed a little, realizing what the other was thinking. Tenma wanted to leave, to just abandon the fight. It infuriated him for a moment before he forced that away. Anger wouldn’t help him, now, he realized. Hesitantly, he slid his arms around Tenma, burying his face into his hair. It was a very foreign gesture for him, probably for both of them. He inhaled deeply. “Don’t leave. I—I need you to help me save the world.” It came out softer than he meant it to.

“You want to save the world now?” Tenma’s voice cracked just a little, as if he was holding in laughter or tears or exhaustion. Johan didn’t bother to analyze it too deeply.

“We’ve both seen the end of the world. I don’t need to see it again. Do you?”

Tenma shook his head slowly.

“Then it’s decided.”