Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Chapter Eight

I swear I won't tease you
Won't tell you no lies
I don't need no bible
Just look in my eyes
I've waited so long baby
Now that we're friends
Every man's got his patience
And here's where mine ends

-I Want to Have Sex By: George Michaels

Umeda plopped down out on the back porch next to Shizuki. He was careful not to slosh any of his drink as he settled himself. He had taken the time during his search of the wayward blond to stop and pour himself a shot to calm down. The one he was holding was his second. He handed another glass of whiskey over to the blond, who accepted it gratefully.

"Why're you out here?" Hokuto asked.

"I needed some air, remember?" Shizuki replied evenly after swallowing down the shot of whiskey.

Hokuto smirked. "You don't seem as upset as I thought you'd be."

"I had a few minutes to calm down about it. They weren't trying to be mean. It was rather harmless," the blond remarked.

"True. They were just being conniving over-romantic women." Hokuto said. "I just didn't think you'd see it that way so quickly."

"There's no point staying angry about it. I'm not usually so uptight," Shizuki sighed.

The doctor frowned. "So you're saying I bring out the worst in you?"

The blond smiled slightly. "Somewhat. I'd say it's more like you bring out the strongest emotions in me."

"That's not really a bad thing." Hokuto pointed out as he re-filled the blond's glass.

Shizuki didn't answer. The doctor knew he was right. The blond was just scared to find that what he'd said was true. He was also frightened by how strongly Hokuto did make him feel about anything when he was nearby. He decided it would be safer to change subjects. "It was getting to be a little depressing watching your family. I was starting to miss mine. This is the first Christmas I haven't been home. I miss them," Shizuki admitted softly, looking down at his hands. That and he needed a break from Umeda's family, especially after the whole mistletoe incident. He understood now why Umeda called his family weird. They really were quite an unusual bunch of people.

Hokuto smiled kindly. "I know. I've been there before too. It's tough. I'm sure they miss you too, but they'd probably want you to still be happy and have a good time."

"Yeah, I am. Really. I appreciate you inviting me here," Shizuki returned the smile.

"I'm glad you came. I wasn't sure you'd agree to come. So what do you think of my family so far?" Umeda asked with a smirk. He must have figured out the other reason Shizuki had escaped. "You can be completely honest too."

The blond glanced over. "I can definitely see where you got your weirder qualities from."

"That's rather insulting." The doctor looked offended for a second.

"Are you parents always that-?"

"Disgusting?"

"Well, I wouldn't say that…"

"Yeah, they are always that creepy. Don't blame you for wanting to escape for a little while."

Shizuki rolled his eyes. "Well, I didn't get to hide for very long."

"I had to make some excuse to make my own escape. Besides you looked like you could use a drink." Umeda reached in his suit jacket and pulled something out. He turned it towards Shizuki, who couldn't help but laugh. "And I brought the bottle to keep us company." He thunked the bottle of whiskey down on the porch.

"You didn't need to bring the whole bottle."

"Oh yes, I did. You may be a light weight, but it takes quite a bit to even get me buzzing," Umeda teased the blond.

Shizuki glared at him, before knocking back his drink and reaching for the bottle. "I'll show you who's a light weight."

"What happened to being vigilant around me?" the doctor grinned, grabbing the bottle and holding it out of reach.

"It's Christmas. I think I'm entitled to getting drunk with a friend," Shizuki grouched. His eyes widened comically when he realized what he'd confessed.

Umeda smiled softly. "Glad I'm considered a friend now."

"Despite all the harassment."

"Or because of it?"

"Just give me the damn bottle!" Shizuki snapped as he snatched it away from the doctor.

"You know, it's funny. When you're not harassing me I don't mind being around you." Shizuki said, words slightly slurred from alcohol. God, he really was a light weight. "I mean you're smart, funny, and interesting. I really like you when you're that way. Not teasing and being mean."

Umeda blinked at him in surprise. "You like me?"

"Not like that!" Shizuki protested, but it sounded rather weak to both their ears. "As a person, in general. I like you."

Umeda murmured. "I get it." Me thinks he protests to much. "So you're idea of harassing is when I tease you?"

"Well, yeah."

"What about when I kiss you? I thought you didn't like it," Umeda smiled slyly.

Shizuki paused, momentarily confused and unsure. "Well, I…never said I didn't like it. Not really."

That was entirely true. Umeda had just taken all his protest to heart. He was very glad to hear that Shizuki actually liked his kisses.

"Why do you like me…you know 'like that'?" Shizuki asked suddenly.

"You're beautiful," Umeda answered bluntly. What else? "You're passionate. I like that the most. And you're smart and weird. "

"And you like that?"

Umeda laughed softly. "Yeah. I do. A lot."

"Weird."

"Do you mind if I hold you?" Umeda asked, trying to act nonchalant to hide his nervousness at being turned down.

Shizuki was quiet for a moment. He knew he should refuse. Honestly though he couldn't think of a really good reason as to why. And it wasn't harassment if he said it was ok. He really did like Umeda. He glanced over at Umeda. "No, I don't mind," he finally answered. What the hell? Why not? It was Christmas after all.

Umeda refilled Shizuki's glass before getting up and sitting down behind Shizuki. He slid forward until his legs were on either side of the blond. He wrapped his arms around Shizuki and pulled him back against his chest. "To be honest, I was a little nervous about you meeting my family." The doctor confessed, after he got settled.

The blond looked a little surprised. "Nervous? Why?" He tried to ignore how comfortable he felt in Umeda's arms.

"Well, my family is…weird. They kinda startle most people. And they can be embarrassing," Hokuto pointed out with a grin.

"You're weird," Shizuki laughed. "They are a little embarrassing. They can't seem to let go of the idea that you and I are together."

Hokuto sighed and shook his head. "My mother really does want me to find someone to love and settle down with for the rest of my life. She's a hopeless romantic. My father just wants me to stop screwing every guy in sight (that's how he sees my behavior). I guess, they both were hoping I'd finally gotten a steady boyfriend."

"Kinda feel bad to disappoint them," Shizuki chuckled in bemusement. He could tell the alcohol was really starting to affect him. Why should he care if he disappointed Umeda's family?

"Sometimes, I wonder if I'll ever find someone like they want. I seem to keep going after the wrong kind of guy. I don't know why," Umeda whispered, sounding very sad. "Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just unlovable. Maybe all I'm really good for is a lay."

The blond tried to sallow down the lump in his throat that had sudden risen there. His heart ached for the man now holding him. He knew exactly what the other man was talking about. When his fiancé had cheated on him, he was sure it was because he was somehow lacking. What was he missing that she couldn't find in him? More vexing had been why hadn't he felt complete with her? As much as he loved her, there was still something missing in his heart when he held her. He looked down at the arms around him and wondered why he felt more comfortable in this embrace than any other he'd ever been in before. What was is about this man that drew him in, shook him up, and scared him so much?

He reached for the shot of whiskey at his side.

"You should slow down with that stuff," Hokuto advised.

"I said I wanted to get drunk with a friend, didn't I?" Shizuki reminded him before knocking back the shot.

Hokuto nodded. "Yeah," he agreed and reached for his own glass. He swallowed it in one gulp before setting it back down.

"I don't think you're unlovable," Shizuki murmured, as the warm glow of alcohol seeped further into his system.

"Really?"

"Really."

Shizuki looked down at the arms around his waist again. In the back of his mind, Shizuki knew this was risky. If he wasn't drunk he would have run at this kind of close intimacy between the two of them. Instead, his brain's inhibitions seemed to have been numbed into silence. The pleasure part of his brain was taking in the chance to learn everything it could about Umeda that he would not otherwise let it. He leaned back into the warm heat of Umeda's chest. His body soaked in the warmth and memorized the feel of the curves pressed against his back, even the hard press of an erection. That, at least, should have been enough to jolt him away, but he just tipped his head back until it rested easily on the doctor's shoulder. He sighed as Umeda's arms curled tighter around his waist. He felt safe and warm, sitting here in the doctor's embrace.

For a long time, they just sat that way together. They talked on an off for quite a while. Eventually though their interest in talking died out. The drinks continued intermittently until even Umeda could be classified as drunk. Yet, they stayed sitting together like that with Umeda's legs open and bracketing Shizuki's waist and legs. They were back to chest, without a breath of space in between them. Umeda's arms were wrapped around the blond's trim hips. Shizuki's eyes drooped as the alcohol, and intoxicating heat of the doctor holding him, seeped into his system. Above them, the moon rose higher into the sky. It had to be very late by now. Neither one really cared.

Slowly, Umeda's hands began to move. Shizuki didn't even stir as those hands began to caress and explore the curves of his hips, the dip of his navel hidden under his button down shirt, the expanse of his chest, and all the way up to the hollow of his throat. He hummed in the back of his throat as those fingers tipped his head to the side exposing his neck. Somewhere in the back of his mind, his brain was telling him he should get the hell away before something happened. It was to reminiscent of deeper, hidden memories that he was constantly battling to bury. His body ignored the warning. His body craved this kind of contact. It had been months since anyone had touched him like this; and it was usually him doing this to someone else. It was the first time he got to feel what it was like to be on the receiving end of this kind of sweet attention.

He felt the warm wash of breath across his cheek and neck as Umeda's mouth lowered to nuzzle the column of his throat, from jaw to shoulder. Nuzzling turned to open mouthed kisses, that made tingles dance down his spin to pool in a ball of need in the base of his cock. Butterflies erupted in his stomach as teeth joined in with tongue to tease at his skin. He ignored the trembling of his body, focusing only on the feel of Umeda's mouth on him. He mentally shoved aside any lingering protests from his addled mind. All he cared about anymore was the growing ache of want and desire beginning to tent the front of his trousers. Umeda's questing mouth reached his jaw, lingering there in an unspoken question. Shizuki didn't even hesitate. He turned his head, bumping his nose gently against the older man's cheek, begging for the kiss he knew was being offered.

Umeda sighed in happy surprise as their lips met for the first time in mutual want. His eyes fluttered shut as Shizuki's fingers tangled in his hair, tugging gently at his sensitized scalp. He moaned when the blond's tongue sought and gained entrance into his mouth. Another first. He was more than willing to give control of the kiss over to the blond. It was the first time Shizuki had really returned his kiss. It had been worth the wait though. The feel of his tongue stroking over his, the taste of him, and the expert press of his lips had Umeda's body trembling with barely controlled need. The boy doctor could fucking kiss. The unexpected delightful surprise was turning the rest of Umeda's control to mush.

Shizuki moaned quietly as strong, calloused fingers unbuttoned his shirt and slipped inside it to dance over his bare chest. Umeda's hands slipped over every inch of skin he could reach. The jump and twitch of the blond's muscles only spurred him on. Shizuki was almost feverish feeling with the burn of desire and alcohol flooding through his body. His blood thrummed through his veins in a thunderous rush that Umeda could feel even through the heat of his skin. His arm curled around Shizuki's waist once more to tug him back against the hard ridge of his cock. The blond's back fit so perfectly into the curves of his chest. It feels so right like this, Umeda thought as he ground himself into the cleft of Shizuki's backside.

Umeda's free hand slipped lower, undoing the belt holding Shizuki's pants up. He wormed his way beneath the waist band of Shizuki's pants, finding the boxers that couldn't hide the evidence of the blond's arousal any longer. His fingers flitted over the length of Shizuki's hard cock, pausing at the spot of moisture that was dampening the boxers. Shizuki whimpered softly and arched his back just a little in the wake of that brief touch. Their lips parted as Umeda unbuttoned and un-vipped the blond's pants and pushed them out of the way, exposing the front of the blond's boxers and straining dick. Umeda licked his lips as he took in the size, molten lust surging through his veins. Oh God, how he longed to feel the weight of it in his hands and in his mouth, to press himself down onto it–letting it cleave him open. His breath rasped in his throat as his mouth went dry.

Shizuki didn't really care anymore about how this was all wrong. That first touch on his cock had sent his aching need skyrocketing. He nipped the edge of Umeda's jaw when the doctor went still. He didn't notice Umeda staring over his shoulder, down at the outline of his cock pressed against the confines of his boxers. Umeda's eyes flicked to his, dark and mercurial with the depth of his desire. Shizuki wrapped his hand around the wrist of the hand still hovering above his erection. He drew Umeda's hand down, nudging the boxers down and freeing his cock. He pressed the doctor's hand to his now twitching cock, wrapping both their hands around its hardened, smooth length. Both of them groaned at the intimate touch. With intertwined fingers, they began to stroke in long, firm motions. Shizuki's head tipped back further as his body became lost in sensation. Pleasure raced through him in an electric buzz, sparking across every nerve, and making his hips tremble.

Umeda's heart seemed to have lept up into his throat as he began to pleasure Shizuki. Unconsciously, his hips had begun to thrust against the cleft of the blond's ass, seeking relief from the unbearable need for release. His mouth found Shizuki's throat once more, biting and sucking as their fingers began to move faster. His eyes took in every detail of the breathtaking sight of their combined efforts to bring the owner of that cock blissful release. Shizuki's tip was leaking copious amounts of pre-cum, slicking their fingers and easing the glide of their motions. The wet, sexy sound of their strokes drove both of them even further into the desperate efforts of release.

Shizuki cursed thickly, as Umeda's other hand reached down to tickle over his taint. His whole body was singing with pleasure, even enjoying the perverse thrust of the dick against his backside. His whole body jerked like it had been shocked when Umeda pressed two fingers against him just beneath his balls. He knew what the doctor was doing. He'd only done that to himself a few times, but he remembered how amazingly wonderful that had felt. The sensation was stronger this time, making his body shake and more pre-cum drool from his cock. He was so close to losing it. His hips began to jitter as those fingers continued to rub and press that spot while their hands continued to work together. Umeda's thumb rubbed firm over the head of his dick, tickling the slit. Shizuki's need and desire teetered on the brink of completion. One more rough stroke and he lost it. He jerked then arched his back as cum spurted up his chest, over their fingers, and on the edges of his pants. He rode the high of his climax with sharp cry, prolonged by Umeda's expert fingers.

Behind him, Umeda drank in the intoxicating sight of the blond's release. His dick ground harder against Shizuki's ass once more before he came just as hard. His hips stuttered against Shizuki's as bit down hard on the blond's shoulder. Their orgasms seemed to last forever, but were really only heartbeats of a moment. In the wake of release they were left trembling and breathless–surprised at what had just happened.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Shizuki whispered, before jumping up and bolting.

/

"Fuck," Shizuki whispered, knuckles turning white from the grip he held on the sink's edge. It had happened again- despite his mind screaming at him to stop. He had let it happen. He couldn't stop it, because he knew deep down he'd wanted it badly. He swallowed down the bile in his throat. It wasn't the act itself or Umeda that made him sick. It was the memories that were threatening to surface. It was the shame he felt for having let someone do that to him again. It felt like the past was repeating itself, but this time he should have been able to prevent it. He was angry at himself, because he was a coward. He knew the real reason he behaved the way he did. He knew why he shunned Umeda so fiercely, but he refused to face those reasons. He refused to admit the truth to himself after all these years of trying to run from it.

He was a coward.

"Shizuki," the sound of Umeda's voice made him flinch. The doctor knocked on the door before slowly pushing it open.

He turned his face away when the doctor appeared in the bathroom doorway. The sick feeling welled up inside him again.

"I'm sorry," the doctor's voice drifted to him from the distance between them.

Shizuki shook his head. "Please, don't..."

Umeda swallowed hard. He hated himself at that moment. He had pushed to far. He had taken advantage of Shizuki's vulnerability. He had let the mood and the desire get the better of him. But he could have sworn for those few minutes that Shizuki truly wanted him. He had let the alcohol impair his judgement. He had hurt the man he had fallen so inescapably in love with unintentionally. He stared at the forlorn figure of the beautiful man in front of him and wished he could erase what had just happened between them. It was his fault.

"I shouldn't have...," Umeda started to say. "I just...wanted to touch you."

Shizuki's hands gripped twitched on the sink. Please, just shuttup, he wanted to say. It wasn't you. He hunched forward a little further. He hated himself, because he couldn't get the words past his lips. He couldn't admit to anyone the secret that he'd hidden for so long.

"I'm sorry," Umeda said again, not knowing what else to say.

"Stop," Shizuki spat out.

The doctor startled at the bitter anger he heard in the blond's voice. Did Shizuki really hate him that much? Had he ruined everything so thoroughly?

"Why?" the blond glanced his way for only a second. Was he to angry to look at him? Or scared? Umeda couldn't tell. He knew what Shizuki was asking though. It was the why to everything he had done? The why to answer the reason Umeda could not stay away from the blond? The why that scared them both.

Umeda decided Shizuki deserved an honest answer. He clung to his failing courage. Blurting it out before he could rethink or stop the words from escaping. The blond looked up, meeting his eyes, as if he knew what was about to be said was of the greatest importance. "Because I love you."

Blue eyes widened in shock. Umeda had really said it. He let go of the sink and stumbled back against the shower door. He didn't know what to feel or think. His heart was beating so hard his chest hurt. Umeda stepped into the bathroom, but Shizuki pressed back harder against the shower door like he wanted to melt through it. The doctor stopped at once. The two stared at each other. The few feet between them felt like a chasm. Fear, confusion, and shame shone bright in Shizuki's eyes. Umeda felt nausea roil in his stomach. He had put himself out there and he was being rejected again. His heart ached terribly.

Shizuki didn't know what to do. He was scared of his own reaction to those words. He was scared of the utter honesty Umeda had displayed in admitting that damning phrase. He was confused, because what he wanted was not what he should. He was ashamed of his own behavior. He was angry at his own cowardly nature. He was a fool. He needed to get away. He couldn't take the look in Umeda's eyes. He'd seen it before. He knew it all to well. He'd been the recipient of those same emotions before. He hated himself for causing it.

Neither of them seemed to be able to move.

"Hokuto!"

Umeda jerked around to face down the hall. "Yeah?" he managed to croak out the question.

"Your cousins are leaving! Come say good-bye!"

The doctor glanced back at the blond, but that blue eyed gaze refused to meet his own. "I'm coming!" he called. He was grateful for the excuse to leave. He didn't think he could stand there and stare at the rejection facing him any longer. He forced himself to pretend like his heart hadn't just been stomped on for a second time by yet another straight guy. He turned and walked out of the bathroom, forcing himself to walk tall.

Shizuki watched him leave. The doctor's normally graceful steps stiff with wounded pride and a wounded heart. The blond felt like he was choking on the overwhelming surge of emotions trying to crush him. He had to get out of there. He couldn't look at Umeda again. He didn't want to see him after this. The shame and guilt–he couldn't take it. He hated himself even more for what he was about to do. But he couldn't help it. He couldn't stop himself.

He ran.

/

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