Towers of Silence

______

I heard it clicking and a terrible unease made my cheeks flush. It felt weird to see that black hole pointing at you and being certain that you’d get shot in a second. But Gojyo wanted to play. He let me taste that horrible feeling for several minutes. He was just standing over me, calmly gripping the gun and with something indescribable gleaming in his eyes.

“I’ll pull the trigger at 6.”

I started panting because now I even knew precisely when he would do it.

“One.”

Two seconds passed.

“Two.”

My heartbeat sped up and slowed down for several times and it was awful to feel your ribcage almost bursting from the pressure of the blood.

“Three.”

“Four.”

I already regretted doing that. But I also decided to enjoy it as much as possible. Gojyo would shoot me, Gojyo would hurt me, he’d cause me unbelievable torture and pain. My cock got into my view.

“Five.”

The tension and suspense was unbearable, my cock ached and while panting I couldn’t but gasp. I fucking knew that he’d do it. For another time my heart nearly stopped beating and I felt sweat running down my cheek. He’d do it.

“Six.”

After the ‘x’ a sound so deafening filled the room and I was already half numb because of that. But I just knew about that after the whole process.
The first moments after the shot felt so unreal. The pain, slowly spreading in whiteness, slowly building up like it was a bubble, your lungs refusing to tense and stretch and supplying you with oxygen… And then the bubble burst and sent such an intense pain through your body like you were struck by lightning. I opened my mouth to scream but Gojyo quickly bent down and stuffed my mouth with the pillow.

I squirmed and thrashed and tried to get rid of the pain somehow but it didn’t work. I remained conscious and I had to feel every muscle and every vein in my body bursting from pain. And suddenly I felt another bubble bursting, I cried out loudly and shot my load. Now I had to bear two abnormal sensations at the same time and normally I wasn’t even able to bear one single.
But it was such an…extraordinary sensation, so weird because I had suffered from the tension in my balls for hours now and the shot…and Gojyo doing this…it seemed like I couldn’t stop ejaculating…

I felt too weak than to sit up and twist from the orgasm, bliss just floated through me and paralyzed the last parts of my brain which the pain hadn’t reached yet. I concentrated really hard on not fainting because if I lost consciousness now Gojyo wouldn’t be able to wake me again before the next two days. I coughed and made a gurgling sound, it happened by reflex.

Short groans left my lips then and I lifted my pelvis to cause me another thrill by stretching my muscles so painfully. After a whole minute my head fell back and the last drop of semen had dripped on the blanket.
But all of a sudden Gojyo violently gripped my cock and touched the tip of it with his thumb and I arched up again and came for the second time.
Unbelievable.
As intense as the orgasm before and as exhausting as it hit me.

I moaned in desperation and at the same time was fascinated by how much cum was still flowing from my aching cock… I threw my hands over my head to grip the bed posts and wholly tense up. The pain in my shoulder seemed to tear me apart; it caused me to see black and golden spots and the more it hurt the rougher I tried to tense up, it was like a battle between my body and my rebelling mind…
Just when I thought I’d pass out my cock had calmed. But unfortunately not for the last time this day.

“Fuuck…Gojyoh…”

I was panting and not seeing anything anymore, just blackness with faint hints of colour between little slits, my mouth felt dry and the light-headed feeling let me forebode that it would end soon.

His mouth closed over my cock.

“AAAAAAAHHH…”

Unbearable, I came for another time. And tears already flowed down my cheeks when I realized that I was still spilling the same amount of cum as when I had come for the first time…
Gojyo swallowed what he could get. His tongue was still winding around my quivering piece of flesh and I moaned because I felt the swoon tearing on my mind. No, stay conscious…gods damn it, just for another minute…

My shoulder ached like all the pain from every battle with the Youkai had gathered the very second now and it urged me to constantly moan and growl in desperation. My threshold of pain had been overstepped long before and I threw my head back and forth to bear the pangs and the thrills from my cock at the same time.
Now my whole body was fixed on producing muffled cries and I couldn’t think anymore. Now the pain had replaced the bliss and attacked the last parts of my sanity and paralyzed my brain. That was when I stopped screaming and Gojyo let my still throbbing cock fall from his mouth.

I moaned and still moved my head to ban the white fog from my view. When I saw Gojyo, his red sea floating in front of me and when I felt his hot wet tongue on my lips I had nearly forgotten about the pain, like my brain had shot too much of the body’s own painkillers. Damn…I’d faint soon…

Now Gojyo pulled me into a sitting posture and took a look at my back.

“Sanzo…”

Oh yeah, that was me, right.

“The bullet has gone through your shoulder blade…”

Oh really? Nice. Just nice. Freakin’ nice.
The red sea grew bigger very quickly and with every drop it took a bit of my consciousness away with it. I couldn’t pass out now, no.

“Gojyoh…could you…ah…do somethin’… ‘bout the blood…”

“Yes, damn it how could I forg…”

I didn’t hear his last words any more. I was still conscious but something like a curtain had appeared in front of me, blocking out every sound and image. I stared at the ceiling while Gojyo took care of the wound.
Weird.
Why?
And where…
I felt really sick and weak and I couldn’t even turn my head to the side to watch him.

WHY, just why the hell had I done that? Let myself being shot by him, just…idiot. Fool.
Gojyo knew how to stop it from bleeding; he had often done it when I had been shot yet again while Hakkai had been occupied. My eyes went wide when I heard the sound of knocking on the door which was still locked. Someone wanted to enter. I saw his face turning up above me and his hair fell on my face.

“Are you alright, Sanzo? Just one second, are you alright?”

“Ah…sure…”

Surely I was alright, I was shot. Where was the problem?
He went to the door and shouted through it.

“Who’s that?”

“Royo!” I heard a fist colliding with the wood, “what the hell did just happen?! Are you hurt in there?”

“Fuck off, everythin’ alright! We just fooled around!”

Gojyo kept watching the door for another minute, then came back to me. Now that I was feeling the pain it was completely different from what I had thought before… Not so comfortable or agreeable.

“Get me…some…pain-killers…”

A worried look hit me and Gojyo disappeared again.

“And…some tranqui…lizers!”

Such a stupid idea, Hakkai should have beaten us up for that. One second could ruin your life. At least your next 3 weeks. One second when your brain was turned off and I had done one of the silliest things I have ever done. What should we do at breakfast? Hakkai would get suspicious if I didn’t turn up, he’d assume things, clever as he was, and would come to the conclusion that something had happened yesterday. If Gojyo didn’t bring me the coffee and things he’d…my head hurt from thinking in that state.

My thoughts dropped down like honey, going in circles until they met the beginning of them again…Gojyo came back with a glass of water in his hand. He reached behind me and made me sit up. This hurt like hell because I had to move that shoulder in order to get into that position. I noticed his shaky hands, he was slightly trembling and when I saw his eyes just centimetres away from my face I knew that he was scared.

“You look so pale…I mean paler than normally, are you really alright, shall I really give you these pills? I don’t know how they will…how you will feel if you take them at the same time…”

I didn’t say anything, of course I didn’t know that myself either. I just opened my mouth and invited him to stick his finger into it. He put the two things on my tongue and pressed the glass against my lips. I emptied the glass and just when I swallowed for the last time he drew back.

“No! That’s not good…what if you fall asleep and…”

He seemed desperate because he must have realized that he had done shit. Whatever it was.

“If you fall asleep I can’t tell any more whether you are…you know…, don’t leave me alone now...Sanzo!”

I just smiled. I would fall asleep, dead sure. With tranquilizers and painkillers I would sleep until tomorrow and longer.
I just leaned there; Gojyo was sitting in front of me, softly stroking my cheek.

“We shouldn’t have done that Sanzo, really. I’m so sorry that I talked you into that, it’s my fault, Sanzo…
…don’t leave me, Sanzo…”

Nice that he also realized that.

“Sanzo…Sanzo…nn….oooooo”

The words echoed in my ear and my vision had turned into a tunnel, slowly flying from one edge to the other... I felt that comfortable numbness, seeing pictures of weird things. Good medicine, it took hold very quickly. I fell down on thousands of beds, every half a second I touched another bed under me, water flew into the air as I fell on and through the sheets, smelling so wonderfully of roses…

Wings had grown me, I saw them rushing through the air as I was still falling down, a sound appeared, a dull and low tone, making the air vibrate and carry me on it. I didn’t feel any pain any longer, I didn’t feel uncomfortable anymore, it was like another world where you didn’t exist in the way as you had on earth anymore. I felt the water on my face, as I tore the beds apart with my back, drops of black water seeped through the feathers and hit my face as they were falling down, torn down by gravity.

I heard scraps of high pitched screams from somewhere, weird sounds mixed with the low tone and they seemed to scratch at the walls of this new world…screams which seemed to destroy it, to cause it to end and disappear…
And then I hit the floor.
Silence.
Nothingness.
And the denial of being itself.



_____________________

“…OO!! SANZOO!!!”

Again I hit the floor, my neck snapped and I was conscious again. But I couldn’t open my eyes. I realized that I was violently tossed by someone who had gripped my shoulder. Both shoulders.
Shake before using.

“Uargh…” I gagged. I still felt so sick. The shaking stopped immediately and I felt a warm touch on my cheek.

“Sanzo…Sanzo!…Sanzo!”

I knew that voice. Yes, my idiot. Only my idiot. No one else’s. My head felt like someone had grouted it with too much cement and then had pressed my scalp on it. His hair was tickling my lips and I opened my mouth to grind my teeth against the itching spots. But my lips were dry and I didn’t have any feeling in my body so I did it too roughly and I felt them burst and the essence of life flowing from my body again. But I didn’t feel any pain.

I jerked and opened my eyes when I heard him whispering into my ear.

“Wake up, he’s getting suspicious, fuck, Sanzo…”
I blinked. Although he had drawn the curtains close the brightness seemed too intense than to look at him without any difficulties.

“Ah, Sanzo…damn it, I thought you’d never wake up again.”

I pressed my eyelids down and wanted to bring a hand to my face to rub at my eyes but somehow I didn’t have any hands. Those things were obviously lying on the sheets, right besides me but somehow they didn’t belong to me.
His wet lips made me open my eyes again, they covered my whole face but it felt good. A quick kiss was placed on my mouth and I smiled.

“How are you?”

“Dunno…”

“Does it hurt?”

“Nothing hurts.”

I heard someone knocking on the door.

“Sanzo!”

Gojyo turned around and explained: ”Please, Sanzo, say something for god’s sake, he has been knocking on that door since 8 o’clock”

“Tell him to fuck off…” I just managed to croak that. How should I shout then…?

Gojyo broke out into laughter. “I have already told him that three times this morning…”

The knocking didn’t stop and that annoying noise just made my headache worse. With the strength of rage I quickly sat up and barked: “Sod off, you fucking idiot!!”
Then I had to cough. “Go, fuck your friend!!”

Another fit struck me and I had to lie down again. Gojyo had still been sitting on the bed and laughing in silence but now he got up and went to the door. He turned the key in the lock, opened it and he quickly stepped into the aisle so that Hakkai couldn’t catch a glimpse of me. But he didn’t shut the door so that I could hear what he was saying to him.

“…I told you he’d get bitchy. But I can only agree on what he said. Your friend must me waiting there for you, don’t disappoint him…”

I was stunned when I heard Hakkai shouting at him.

“All just because I’m caring about him, because I DO give a shit about him, you don’t anyway!”

“What…did you say?” I didn’t miss the threat in his voice, Gojyo sounded very unpleasant and I decided that I never wished him to talk to me like that. Though Hakkai continued his accusation.

“You’ve been keeping him there since Sunday, what is up with him, hah?! Must be something serious if he doesn’t even get his ass up to get his fucking coffee!”

On the one hand I was so damn amused about this little quarrel because Hakkai never really said what he was thinking, that snake in the grass, but on the other hand I was pretty disturbed about what he was saying. And how he was expressing his feelings.

“Hah, he’s got me, I do get my ass up to get him his coffee, I serve him and it pleases me to do that, you just envy him.”

I saw his red hair appearing in the slit, he wanted to get back to me and shut the door but then the red disappeared again.

“I? Envy him? Never. Now let me GET IN TO SEE HIM!”

Somehow he must have realized that something was wrong with me. At least he saw me once a day and even if it was just to get my fucking coffee, but he saw me.

“No, he doesn’t want to see you, why can’t you leave us alone?!”

And what was that ‘never’ about? I didn’t know whether I should feel insulted or whether he pitied me because I had to live with a Gojyo. A 24 hours sex machine.

“I tell you for the last time now, you asshole, everything’s okay!”

Damn it, I had missed Hakkai’s clever answer.

“You liar”, he hissed, “I can smell that something is wrong, what did you do with him?”

No, my god, he was jealous, he was worried… He wanted to protect me from that red haired potential psycho. Well, but was it necessary to protect a psycho from another psycho…not really. Hakkai-cutie-idiot was jealous; I had to laugh about that.

“Aw, fuck you.”

Gojyo took a step back, shut the door and immediately locked it. I heard a dull sound, I suppose Hakkai had tried to open the door by throwing himself against it.
After the burst of laughter I had to breathe deeply because it wasn’t good for me.

“Really…”

Gojyo came towards me, muttering and growling. He just looked so cute when his front was contorted with wrinkles and his eyes just looked so annoyed and he really looked pissed. He sat down besides me and kissed me.

“I’d like to know what happened so that he’s acting the bitch now…”

“He’s jealous.”

Gojyo hadn’t looked at me but now he turned his head and stared at me with big eyes.

“Yeees, that’s it…I can’t believe it…”

“I think I will put on my clothes and get me my fucking coffee, else he’ll break the window and climb in there at night to see what has happened to me…”

“Can you stand up?”

I sat up again.

“Have you…fed me with those things again?”

He looked down. “Yes, because…you didn’t sleep well, you were moving around the whole time and you were moaning, so I thought…”

“I just asked.”

And with one move I was up. And nearly down again if I hadn’t got to catch the headboard. I didn’t feel any pain but that sudden move had killed my circulatory system and I had to wait until everything was in balance again.

“Are you alright, Sanzo?”

“Yeah, everything alright…” I gasped.

“Come on, I’ll help you.”

Funny that he didn’t even told me to lie down again. He knew that I wouldn’t do it anyway. An intelligent idiot.
He helped me by putting on my pants and by putting on the leather top. It was still tight, even tighter now because I had put on weight. And it hurt the way it was pressing against my wound. But I had to bear that if I didn’t want Hakkai to go all like “Oh my God, what HAVE YOU DONE???!!!”

Gojyo shoved the pieces of the white bandage which were still sticking out under the leather and let go of my shoulder. Now I was standing there on my own and I had to test whether I was able to do that anyway, I didn’t want to imagine what would happen if I went straight into the kitchen and collapsed there. I didn’t want to leave Gojyo alone for a second time.

“Fine. I’ll go now.”

“I’ll join you. I also want my fucking coffee.”

He smiled at me and went to the door and waited there for me. I was walking in a slow way in order to keep my strength which I needed to face Hakkai and the 8 meters to the stove. He opened the door and let me step out first.
I didn’t see any Hakkai or any Royo so I hoped we could make our coffee in silence.

But - today wasn’t my best day.
The door flew open and Hakkai came running out of his room and towards me. His look almost killed me; I felt uncomfortable when I looked into his worrying eyes and his worried face. I didn’t feel regretful, I just felt somehow disgusted.
First he raped me and then he’d like to kill Gojyo and take me as his lover. He was sick. And he annoyed me to no ends.

“Sanzo, are you alright?”

He stopped in front of me, I had just watched him plodding towards me, and now he came that close that I wanted to take a step back but I felt that I’d fall to the side because I was very shaky on my feet. I felt his breath on my skin and I was so disgusted that I had to concentrate on not screaming and smacking him. But he drew back and tilted his head a bit.

“What’s wrong with you…Sanzo?”

“Nothing, just nothing!! Leave me alone!”

A killing look hit Gojyo who was standing behind me and then he looked back at me and in just a second his look changed and he looked worried. This couldn’t be true. Hakkai that goddamned ass. I quickly jerked away when he had raised his hand to stroke my cheek and now he looked surprised for a moment. Then his gaze rose and met Gojyo’s again. While talking Hakkai was shaking his head in disbelief.

“What the fuck have you done with him? He’s even…even jerking away when I want to console and stroke him, did you hit him? That’s not normal! People don’t jerk away if someone offers them his pity!”

Well, I did. I did in general. I let no one pet me except for my love. I heard Gojyo coming closer and then I felt him hugging me. He was so clever; he combined one thing with the other. By hugging me he prevented me from keeling over and in addition to that he taught Hakkai a lesson. And he sounded so self-pleased that I had to smirk.

“You see, you fucking idiot, no one is jerking away here.”

Gojyo’s words only increased his rage and he kept running into the direction he had chosen.

“You have intimidated him! He doesn’t dare to jerk away and tell you how much he hates you! Ain’t I right, Sanzo? What about that talk we had. When he was at the toilet, hah?”

What the fuck? I let my hand drop from Gojyo’s in astonishment.

“Oh Hakkai”, he mimicked my voice and way of talking, “please come and save me, rape him, kill him, whatever but please, help me…”

Gojyo didn’t move, I was anxious that he’d really believe in this, we loved each other deeply but Hakkai obviously knew our weak points. It wasn’t like we didn’t trust each other, no, by no means, but Hakkai knew very well how to touch the sensitive spots of our souls to make us believe in his words. Gojyo surely didn’t want to hear that, and whether it was true or not, he didn’t want to listen to that painful ‘confession‘.

“He’s just always thinking about sex, Hakkai, I’m just doing that to please him, to make him silent, he’s such a bothersome freak…”

Not good. I didn’t like the direction which the talk had taken. And I couldn’t say anything, I was so stunned and surprised that I couldn’t open my mouth. And to be honest, I somehow wanted to hear what else he would tell him.

“You see, he’s silent because he’s afraid of agreeing, isn’t it like that?”

I cleared my throat to finally show him that we didn’t believe in those dirty words which had their cause in his jealousy. But he didn’t let me speak, he just continued the second he noticed that I really wanted to say something. Gojyo’s hands were still on my belly and hips but I didn’t know what his face looked like.

“I can’t stand him any more, Hakkai, let’s leave him alone and go to town, he’s still of the opinion that I enjoy it but he doesn’t have a clue of how idiotic he is. He’s just a pure needlessness, I have to get rid of him, he’s just so fucked up…”

In a second I had got rid of Gojyo’s hands, had taken a step forward and with all my strength I hit his face. I was so upset that I barely could speak but I managed to hiss at him at least.

“Now get OUT OF MY EYES, YOU SICK PSYCHOPATH!!”

I kicked him in his stomach and was about to fall on him as well when my strength left me but I was pulled back. Into the arms of Gojyo. He held me in a position where I wasn’t able to raise my head and look at him. Maybe he was doing that on purpose.
Hakkai was coughing and squirming on the floor. But he didn’t give up, I couldn’t believe it.

“Ah…yeah, the secret is given away, I’m sorry”, he laughed devilishly.

I jerked to kick him for a second time but Gojyo held me back. Still chuckling and laughing and coughing Hakkai stood up and sneaked to his room. I didn’t want someone to destroy the precious relationship I had been proud of and surprised that I had even been able to do such a thing…no.

“Gojyo…” I tried to turn around but he didn’t let me, “I, no, I-”

His hand was firmly pressing against my mouth and I couldn’t form any words anymore. He softly rubbed his nose against the side of my head and gently kissed my hair. Then he lightly pushed his head against mine and sucked on my ear.

“I know…that you’d never…do such a thing…nevertheless it hurt to hear that from Hakkai.”

He thought that his words contained some truth. And actually they really did but we were both fucked up, we were so fucked up that we both needed each other and just out of desperate love we stayed together. And we would always remain like that.

“Do I really only think about sex?”

I turned my head to catch his lips and kiss him.

“Yeah.”

After the kiss he drew back and kept stroking my hair with his nose and cheek.

“But it’s okay. I don’t want you to think about anything different when you look at me.”

“It’s not the sex, it’s love, admiration, security and…desperation. I do get desperate when I look at you but because of your beauty, it makes me feel desperate in a good way.”

By pressing my head against his cheek I encouraged him to continue and he kissed my head again.

“And I can’t deny that I’m an idiot and therefore be idiotic but…you don’t do that to please me, right? Please…”

“Ch, why should I.” Of course I did, there were a lot of things which I wouldn’t do for anyone else if he wasn’t my lover. But that was something different.
“But you are fucked up.”

“Not less than you are…” he whispered into my hair.

“Exactly”

I felt him licking the back of my ear and then the sensitive skin behind it. I didn’t think of any whips and chains...just about his skin which touched my back and my belly. And his tongue, setting my head on fire. My cheeks already burned from excitement, my knee bent and I feared to double over. But Gojyo firmly embraced me, tightened his grip and held me back.

“Time for coffee and bed, honey. …my fat honey bee”, he playfully bit my ear.

With soft nudges he tried to get me back to our room but I wanted to watch him while he made coffee so I pushed his hands away and stumbled to the couch. And let myself fall down as soon as I was sure that I’d fall on the pillows. But I hadn’t estimated the distance well, my ass grazed the velvet but the cushion gave way and I was about to kiss the floor hard with my coccyx. In my awkwardness I tried to grab the other pillows of the back of the couch but they also gave way and the next moment I held them in my hands and finally hit the floor.

I cursed and turned my head to glare at Gojyo who had sat down in order not to fall down on the floor as well. Tears were already running down his cheeks and his loud laughter only made me angrier. I tried to get up but moving hurt too much and I immediately sat down again. My shoulder ached and in addition to that my ass also hurt terribly. So Gojyo wouldn’t be able to fuck me for the next time. Served him right.
Anyway I wouldn’t have let him fuck me with that wound. He would have to do without ramming his cock up my ass.

When he had finished he got up and came to me to help me up. But I refused his offer, why should I let myself being helped by such an idiot. I’d sit there until I’d rather die than to take that hand. I looked up at him and by smiling brightly at me he invited me to take his hand. I turned my head again and kept sitting there motionlessly.

“Come on, don’t act the pouting child.”

I acted whom ever I currently pleased. And even if it was the pouting child.

“Well, then I’ll make coffee.”

I heard him going away and when I heard the pot hitting against the hotplate I turned my head again to watch his back. Most of his hair had fallen on his chest when he had bent down to help me up and he hadn’t pushed it back yet so his back was exposed to me with all its beauty.
There’s also delight in a nice backside. Muscles tensed, skin stretched and bones parted his back. The way he was standing there attracted my attention as well, he was casually leaning there, one foot bent a bit, the other stretched which made his hips look even more delicate.

His pants were loosely resting on his hips and nearly made me forget about my misery and pain, get up and rip them off. Just to shove my cock up his ass to make him clutch his hand at the stove to keep himself up and hear his scream when he realized that he had put his palm on the hot plate…I wanted to see his face contorted with pain, honest pain, pain which really hurt him. My sick desire took control over my mind and if I had been mobile I would have got up to do that. But my shoulder which already paralyzed me and my still aching bottom prevented me from challenging his love and trust.

When I imagined again how he would scream and yell I felt the pleasurable stinging pain in my belly and I had to moan and bend over by reflex. Gojyo turned around.

“Sanzo?”

I kept lying on the table with my head; I wanted him to come closer and into my reach. I smiled and my hair hid it when he really came walking towards me. But I clenched the pillows when I carried on thinking about that scene and he stopped. I think he went back to take the boiling water from the stove. I looked up again because it was senseless to make him come there. There were no hot plates except dead wood and some fabric.

When Gojyo had done his work he came to the couch and sat down. But what was that, only one cup?

“Where’s my coffee, you idiot!”

He sighed.

“You are not allowed to drink any coffee because you are beneath contempt.”

That was the first time someone told me that I wasn’t allowed to do something. Or maybe the second, or already the third? I was a Sanzo, I was more important than the fucking czar of Russia... Therefore I violently grabbed the cup and wanted to pull it down to my level but Gojyo didn’t let go of it.

“No, Sanzo!”

“SURE!”

I pulled on it for the second time and Gojyo tried to pull on it as well and the cup was shoved forth and back and finally we spilt the coffee. I should have thought about that sooner. Because I got most of the coffee because the cup just had been over my belly when Gojyo forcefully had tried to get it back. I couldn’t suppress the cry when the still boiling hot water splashed on my belly. After the first shock I kept whining because it hurt so much.

And I was horrified when I heard a door being slammed open and loud trampling. When I looked up from the floor I saw Royo and Hakkai towering over me. While Hakkai looked shocked, nearly as shocked as I looked, Royo smirked and smiled at me.

“What happened?!” Hakkai yelled.

Oh no, it began to scare me how stubborn that fool was. What did he want from me, he had Royo who’d give him everything he just wished for, why did he want to possess me? And take me away from Gojyo? I had never realized that he had been so jealous, he gave himself away by certain things from time to time but I thought he was just envious of both of us because of our perfect relationship. He was the one who was sick.

“You boor, you spilt the coffee over him! You did it on purpose!”

“Hwhat?” Gojyo half gasped, half laughed.

“I won’t watch you any longer, he has to get away from you, you destroy him!!”

Gojyo swallowed. I heard him swallowing and I knew that this phrase had struck him to the bone. I lifted my head to tell him that Hakkai wasn’t right, that he was lying to him and that he just wanted to separate us by spreading lies about us. But then I saw his face, he was paralyzed with terror, petrified because he mistook Hakkai’s lie for the truth.

What had happened with Hakkai? Why the hell did he act that weirdly? Was it Royo’s fault, who was just standing there, watching, observating, observing…or was that just his way of dealing with things…if I had just known him better.

And the worst was yet to come.

Now Hakkai quickly took a step towards me, violently gripped my upper arm and intended to haul me up when I screamed in pain. I moaned and brought my hand up to the wound which had started bleeding again. He immediately let go of me and with a high pitched voice he yelled at Gojyo in blind fury. Things like “How dare you…Gojyo!!…what have you done…you sick pervert…you relentless bastard…”
He didn’t know what a fool he was making out of himself, this wasn’t his business. I thought he respected what we were doing.

I couldn’t look up, my shoulder hurt too much and I couldn’t concentrate on more than that and I just heard it. That terrible familiar sound of skin slapping against skin. And then I was pulled up by my shoulders, I was pushed and shoved across the aisle, I didn’t realize anything, my feet just did what Hakkai wanted them to do and I craved for turning my head to look at Gojyo but Hakkai was entirely blocking my view. To be honest, I was scared of that Hakkai now, I was scared of what he’d do with me if he succeeded in getting me to his room and locking me up there and I didn’t want to listen to his speech when he’d badmouth Gojyo.

I protested by whining and trying to get his hands away from my body and but I didn’t manage to stop him. I was pushed into the room and the door fell shut. No. Please…no…
Royo wasn’t there, he was my last hope. He’d hopefully console Gojyo and then come to me to save me from that psychopath. When he had turned around to shut the door I doubled over because of the pain. That tearing and tugging hadn’t helped me to recover and tears were already filling my eyes because of the strong pain.

I just kept gasping. Until Hakkai pulled me up for a third time and carried me to the bed where he made me lie down and pulled the leather top over my head to get a look at my shoulder. The stress and pain this situation was causing made me numb and pliable but I knew that I didn’t want to end as his raped pet, put into a show-case on a chain (to be on the safe side) and being drooled on while being looked at.

He couldn’t keep me from physical damage, he couldn’t even keep me from mental disorder, he just couldn’t decide for me! I thrashed and kicked him when he wanted to sit down and care about the wound. Anyway, I wanted to let it heal on its own, I wanted to carry away a scar. His head had turned because I had finally succeeded in kicking him but he slowly turned around again and looked at me in a way which caused me to feel a horrible unease rise. Calmly and factually he stared at me.

“I only want to help you, I’m sorry if Gojyo has spoiled you that much. You don’t need to kiss me or fuck me because I helped you, I don’t demand anything of you…” he blinked, “I just can’t watch any longer. He destroys you; he drags you down with him, once you give him the hand he won’t let go of it anymore, he will not give up until you end with slashing your wrists or shooting yourself because of the pain…”

I didn’t need any Gojyo or anyone else to have a reason for slashing my wrists, I had already done that, in case he shouldn’t know. I was decaying on my own, it wasn’t his fault that I suffered from depressions. Gojyo only eased the pressure and the pain, he only helped me to bear it and try to get over it. Never on earth would I have accused Gojyo of being responsible for my bad moods, for my self-destructive tendencies or for my inclination.

He was the one who saved me every day after waking up, he was there when I was worrying about something and he listened to me whenever I had the courage to tell him about my fears. And he knew when to shut up, when to take me into his arms without saying anything and when to stroke me and ask me what was wrong. He was darkness and light and he was my friend and lover, whatever I needed at the moment. Of course he destroyed me, he destroyed my body with every stroke of the whip and with every shove into my ass but I wanted to be destroyed. I took it deliberately, I craved for that destructive force, I was happy when I saw my skin bleeding.

It helped me to get through the day, my thoughts were only circling around Gojyo; he had become the sense of my life and it would be stupid to deny that and search for a new meaning in life. It just wasn’t necessary, I can hardly remember any time when I had felt so good and been as happy as now while living together with Gojyo. And my desperation and pain was just bliss in an odd way. Whatever he did, whether he made me happy or unwillingly caused me desperation, I enjoyed it.

Hakkai prepared to form that healing chi light. The moment he’d bend down to press it against the wound I’d defend myself. I wouldn’t let that happen, everything for which I had been suffering would be destroyed in just a minute while he’d heal it. Fuck him. He bent down.

I sat up, pushed his hands away and tried to get to the other side of the bed.
“No!! I don’t want this!! Let me go!”

Hakkai was dumbfounded and stared at me; he didn’t understand why I refused to be healed by him.

“But this is for your own good…why do you refuse to be healed, Sanzo?”

Panic shone from my cheeks, they burnt from the heat and I thought I had a lunatic kneeling on the bed there. Royo entered the room and swiftly turned the key in the lock. I heard Gojyo now dully shouting my name. I bet Royo had tried to convince him that I should be healed. Two lunatics were worse than one. I took some steps back.

“You are…obsessed…with that…Hakkai!! Leave me alone!”

“Don’t you see how broken you are?” he pitied me, “How wrong this is? You let yourself being shot by him, you let him scrape off your skin while he flogs you, you let him fuck you, rape you, hurt you? Sanzo…you need help.”

Now it struck me hard to hear that, those were the words I had been afraid of all the time. That someone would finally realize how insane I was and that he would try to help me…
My eyebrow twitched and Hakkai looked at me with pitiful and concerned eyes. Another sign which he surely misinterpreted. In my misery and despair I started crying and I couldn’t do anything when Hakkai knelt down and took me into his arms. Royo just stood at the other side to watch us.

I didn’t know anymore what I wanted, whether I wanted Gojyo to help me or Hakkai to help me. The pain and desperation ruined my reason and soul and I didn’t even mind being pulled up and thrown on the bed. I was sick, undeniably sick. Fighting pain with pain, believing in an illusionary sense of life and staying alive for no reason. The pain made me willing and indifferent, I only wanted it to end, no matter how and with whose help. Only to feel nothing and do nothing.

The softly spoken words of Hakkai made me submissive, I didn’t fight against them anymore. They were quite soothing and agreeable but meaningless, superficial words. I remembered the contrary of that…-Gojyo, gently pushing through the ring of muscles, before stroking my pubic hair, covering me with kisses and telling me that he loved me, honest proof of his love; assuring me that he loved me without speaking, this was real love.
…the two voices were tearing me apart, ripping me apart from the inside and making it more difficult to remain of sound mind.
I was panting because of the pain and the mental derangement and the world got unimportant and grey.

When I felt the warm heat of his chi on my skin I started crying again. I couldn’t see anything anymore, I just squirmed and hit around with my hands to prevent him from doing that.

“No…please, no…noo!!” I cried out…it was hopeless. And with my last strength I cried for help, for the one in whom I trusted, for the one to whom I had dedicated my life and for the one I’d die.

”GOJYO!!” I shouted in a weepy but loud voice and then I continued crying. Hakkai had got hold of my hands, he held them together over my head to keep me quiet and still. I couldn’t defend myself anymore, physically as well as psychically. Neither could I call on the scripture anymore because I couldn’t concentrate any longer and the necessary strength had left me.

“NOOOOO!!”

While still screaming I heard wood bursting.
He broke through the door. I heard the wood still splintering and I felt a sharp wind making my hair fly around. A good cold wind, waking me from madness. I turned my head to see the light.
The blade of his Shakujyo had come to lie on the floor, the piece of steel still holding in his hands he came walking towards the bed. He looked dead serious, no warmness or friendliness, no wrinkles of a smile and no shine of fire of passion in his eyes, just dead, cold and sad.

Gojyo dropped the chain and carried on walking. Not even Hakkai dared to get into his way. When he was just a few steps away from taking me into his arms his facade slipped and his gaze changed so terribly that it hurt to look at him at that moment. He whined in such a weepy voice that one could barely top it, his eyes had turned into slits and an endless stream of tears was running down his beautiful pale cheeks.

Hakkai had hurt him just as much as he had hurt me. Hakkai was dead for me. Died. Faded. Non-existent, he was dead.

I sat up despite the killing pain in my shoulder and threw myself into his arms. And we did what we could do best, consoling the other with our own pain, hopelessness and desperation. It felt better immediately when you were suffering together and when you knew that the other just needed some nice words just as much as you needed them now. And then they weren’t necessary anymore, it was enough, absolutely enough to show the other that you loved him and were there for him despite your own misery. And it faded, it vanished into nothing while you were consoling the other, it wasn’t that important anymore, it seemed ridiculous compared to the pain of the other. I was so glad, so fucking glad that I had him. We sat there, sighing from crying, still repeating the words in our minds which had hurt us, trying to deny them and trying to erase them to live freely again.

But that wasn’t possible. Once said and heard they didn’t disappear that easily, you had to suppress and forget them like so many other things in life, just one more thing which had to be sealed in your subconscious and which would only be taken from oblivion in your unfortunate nightmares. You had to deal with them, somehow you had to cope with them and just think about it often and thoroughly enough and after some time they disappeared in the end.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you Sanzo, I never meant…” he wailed, “I…I never meant to destroy you, you are so much too precious, never…”

I didn’t know what to answer; I could just feel happy about it although I had known since the first day he had whipped me. Gojyo couldn’t harm me, I didn’t see that as ‘harming’, whatever he did to me.

“Gojyo”, I whispered, “don’t leave me alone, never again…you heard me…”

I was so sad about what had happened. That Hakkai had shaken my belief in Gojyo, that he had been able to do that, that he had managed to make me uncertain about these things…I had to tell Gojyo, I couldn’t live with hiding that from him.

“I…Gojyo, I…for one moment I…didn’t know anymore why this all has happened, about…the sense and meaning…I had forgotten-”

I started crying again, I felt so bad about that.

“I had forgotten how…how fucking well I am, only because of you, I had forgotten that I have somebody who makes me live, who is always there for me, who would kill himself for me”

My throat was so swollen that I couldn’t carry on.

“I’m so sorry…I am not worth you…don’t ever leave me alone again, I can’t bear that…”

He just embraced me tighter and wet my neck with his tears. We hid in the other’s hair, looking for shelter and security, looking for new strength and just for some warmth to fill our souls with it again.

“Honey…I won’t ever let it happen again…”

I didn’t deserve these words, not for forgetting about him and being unsteady. I tried to blame the pain and Hakkai’s goddamn behaviour, his hypnotizing words, his abuse of my weakness…it was my fault in the end.

“But I have, I have doubted…I-”

“Forgiven a hundred times, honey, don’t worry, don’t get depressed because of such shit…I know that it’s his fault, that was foul play, honey…don’t worry”

We kept sitting there for several minutes, gaining strength only from the touch of the other, gaining self-confidence again from the words the other had said and gaining courage from the silence around us. I looked up.

Hakkai was standing besides the bed, baffled, motionlessly and struck by truth. He saw how much we loved each other, how unconditionally, how honest and emotional our relationship was. And Royo was standing in front of the door, awkwardly staring at the floor.
Hakkai must have made a scene, he must have gone nuts after what Royo had done with him, after he had freed him from the bed and his ties. Some people just couldn’t cope with such things.

He must have seen how cruelly a top could act, how badly Gojyo must have treated me every time he saw the marks of the whip on my back or feet…he thought I was mentally ill and enjoyed hurting myself. This was true but in a different context. And he hadn’t known about that difference, he had always been thinking that I only let myself being hurt because I wanted to see that body bleed and suffer for what I had done or whatever. Difficult to explain, I couldn’t even explain to him now if he asked me how it was supposed to be. It was indescribable, it was just something which happened, no matter why. Just one of the many phenomena… And for me it didn’t need to be explained at all.

I sighed deeply and now I realized how painful that posture had been. I hadn’t felt any pain while holding him that tightly but now that I was down to earth again I felt the sharp pain rushing through my arm. I couldn’t but hiss at that and Gojyo let go of me. The sheets around me were already red from the blood and I was covered with it as well as Gojyo now from hugging me.
Warm eyes and an understanding smile hit me and I also weakly smiled back. He took the bandages which Hakkai had removed and wound them round my shoulder again. Hakkai just stood there, I watched him. Then all of a sudden he turned his head and stared at me with blank eyes like he wanted to tell from my eyes why. Why I loved a cruel bastard. Why I let him do these things. Why he meant so much to me although he had so many failures. Why I wasn’t ‘Genjyo Sanzo’ any more. Why I had been able to fall in love with such a bastard at all.

If he had asked me that I wouldn’t have been able to answer and he would have only thought that I was a poor incurable man who was finally suffering from insanity. Now that he had experienced a session as well he couldn’t understand me anymore. He had been living quite well until now, he had tolerated our escapades, maybe he hadn’t understood us from the very beginning on but he had kept silence about it because he had seen how…positive our love was. For all three of us. Now that he was affected and afflicted, that he had suffered through the things I enjoyed he had got worried about my sanity.

Hakkai had really been the first person of which I had thought that he would accept our love as it was, that he would let us lead our lives as we liked to lead them, and not as he wanted us to lead them. By now already the second man who thought he could decide about and for me. Because they were concerned about my best and health, I know. I didn’t know how to live, how to bear life but nevertheless I had come so far, why shouldn’t I carry on like that?

Because someone was of the opinion that I wasted it or didn’t appreciate it enough so as to not hurt myself on purpose? If Gojyo had told me to stop doing that I would have stopped. I had even tried to try the other way of having sex, without any pain and it had been just as wonderful as the other way. There were alternatives to the pain and I just liked them as much as the stinging heat left from the stroke of the whip. But sometimes I just needed that, I…didn’t have to vindicate myself, why did I worry so much about that?

Hakkai still didn’t understand. But with a strained and intimidated voice he asked me though.

“Shall…I heal you now…?”

Now he got what he deserved, I enjoyed it so much to see him shaken and broken because I still had been reminded of that night every time I had seen him. How he had watched me, the way his eyes had turned into those of an animal which had gone berserk and how his body had been twitching in bliss while he had been watching me dying of my misery, embarrassment and shame.

From now on I would never talk to him in the way I had used to before. Everything would change. He could stay there with us but he couldn’t expect anything from me any more. I would spit on his coffee, no, his fucking coffee for me. I’d make it myself. And I’d prepare breakfast for god’s sake by myself. I’d tidy up our room, I’d let the ash drop down on the floor and if it got too much I’d clean the floor, I’d wash my stupid pants on my own once a year, I’d drive to the city on my own to buy the things we needed. I’d walk if I had had to.

I didn’t answer him, I coldly ignored him, let him taste the sadness of being ignored, but a hundred times worse than Gojyo always had had to stand it. With that silly action he had destroyed our friendship, he had accused Gojyo of not caring about me, of harming me and of not knowing what was good for me. I’d never forgive him.

Maybe Gojyo had already captured me so hopelessly that I didn’t accept any criticism concerning him anymore. He had turned me into his slave without knowing, he had tied me up so tightly in his mind that I didn’t know anymore what was good for me and what not.
It was difficult but I had to think in the other way for once in my life. I had to look at it from a different point of view: And now that I did that I was shocked.
I had gone so far as to let myself being dangerously hurt by him, I could have died because of that…I had been out of my mind, I had only thought about Gojyo…

Later I blamed my current situation, my bad state of health, my mental confusion because of the pain and my lack of sleep for my following behaviour and thoughts:

Maybe I had gone mad, I had loved him so much that I had risked my life, no one did that for someone, not because of any good reason. Not if there wasn’t any advantage for him in doing that. My gaze changed in a second, it fell like water, running down glass. Now I really realized what I had done on that bed.
I moved away. Gojyo had wanted to take me into his arms again but I was afraid of him. I was afraid of his spell, of being captured again and not being able to refuse it.

Now his gaze nearly seemed like Hakkai’s. And I didn’t understand anything in this world anymore. I think we all must have looked like the same, shattered, broken and having absolutely no clue of what was going on there. Only Royo still stood near the door, watching the scene but he didn’t have a clue as well. He must have even less understood what was going on because he hadn’t known us that well as to know why we acted like that.

Our pasts were sealed under our flesh, they tore at us every minute, sometimes less, sometimes stronger, it depended on how successful we were in distracting ourselves with other things.

Hakkai had lost his love and heart because he had been standing behind iron railings, unable to prevent her from harming herself, from killing herself. He had tried to convince her of not doing that, he had tried to tell her that there would be a different solution than that. He had tried to prevent her from harm and though he had to watch her destroying herself. Where was the difference between her and me?
Somehow I understood his behaviour.

Gojyo had lost his mother, he had never had experienced any love like a child should have. It was just sick love, love hidden by hate which he had received from his mother.
He fucked women because they gave him the illusion of being loved. And he had needed something which would give him some sense in life, something which would keep him grounded. Gojyo was the picture of desperation itself, he hadn’t known how to love and what for, no one ever had told him about that. But he had known that he had needed it to live on. And instead of fucking women without ever loving them he had given himself to me, he had given up his life for me because he had tasted heaven, he had just found another man who had felt like him as well.
Gojyo hadn’t done anything wrong; he just loved me enough to kill me if I wished that. And this was his sole imperfection.

And Sanzo…he had to claim an own chapter in this book of destiny. I had never come to know my parents. I had been thrown into a river when I was about some months old. Some infantile trauma, sure. I had become fond of Komyô, I had lost Komyô. I had had to travel to the west, I had had to waste a couple of years because the talking heads had insisted on that. Not to disgrace the title of Sanzo.
I had killed so many Youkai, so many innocent people, so many kids, so many families.

Then, during that trip to hell I had discovered my…inclination. That I felt good while secretly watching Gojyo; that I was searching for his presence and for his looks. And I hid it with arrogance and bitchy behaviour. But what I hadn’t been able to hide had been my dreams. Sometimes, when I woke up, heavily panting and all hard down under the blanket -for which I was grateful as hell at these moments- the others stared at me and asked me what was wrong. At least the ones I had woken with my panting and moaning.

Nightmare. Nothing wrong. And indeed, it was nightmares because I couldn’t explain it. I fucking couldn’t explain why I got hard while dreaming about leather rubbing against my skin and sharp knives making me bleed all over my body. And after some time it hadn’t been anyone who did that to me any longer, but Gojyo, doing this. And it freaked me out. I tried to seal that all in my subconscious and tried to watch the landscape flowing past us while driving in that jeep. And whenever it hit me again I unwillingly took a look at the rear-view mirror to catch a glimpse of that red-haired slut.

At that time it had already fascinated me somehow how he was living…how he was just acting, what he was thinking. And how he was walking around with a bare chest when he had taken a shower. And how he was sleeping naked when it was summer. And how he came sneaking towards me when he had run out of cigarettes again. I had never let him know what I was thinking about him.

And only he attracted my attention.
Hakkai seemed to take a shower in his clothes and he never said anything annoying or provoking. And Goku…well, I loved that boy, I felt like a father while petting my son’s head sometimes. But nothing more.
Only Gojyo…that bastard provoked me every day, took showers more often than really necessary and kept teasing me with smirks and moves of which he better should have made use during table dances. Than wasting them on the prudish monk who was terrified about what had been going on with him.

I had felt that my life couldn’t have carried on like that, that sometime would come the point of no return, where I was lying on the ground, smiling and just bleeding out. Leaving this world because I had nothing to live for, no sense in life, nothing which kept me going.
And suddenly it had become Gojyo which kept me going. That heat, that comfortable warmth and pleasure while doing things which involved him…I was too desperate than to ignore these things and finally I tried them out.


Sanzo was more rotten in his soul than every other of those two. He would have killed himself if the world had kept pushing him forward like that, while Gojyo and Hakkai would have continued living, they would have been sad and unhappy but they would have tried to get over it and find a new reason for living. Which they had found in that Sanzo.

Sanzo had found his meaning of life in Gojyo who had found his meaning in Sanzo and they both kept themselves from committing suicide like that. A perfect system, working until now.


But there didn’t exist any perfection on earth. How could and why should it?

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