The Killer in You

Chapter 60: Ambivalence


November 12, 2004

“Waaaah!” Matsuda yawned loudly and stretched in his chair. “These days are really boring.”

Ryuzaki glanced at him from over the sudoku he was solving. “I told you, Matsuda-san, I don’t keep you here. You can leave any time you want.”

“I’m starting to seriously consider it.”

“Matsuda!” Soichiro Yagami scolded his subordinate.

“But I mean it, Yagami-san. Sitting here for the next few days may be a waste of time. All we can do now is wait. There is no need for all of us to be here. Some can take off. Or, if you want to stay, you can take one of those,” he pointed at the pile of the logic puzzle magazines Watari had brought in the morning. “They are great to kill time.”

“Perhaps for you, Ryuzaki.” Matsuda started to stretch again. “As for me, I prefer a date.”

“First find yourself one,” Aizawa murmured under his breath, which earned him a glare from the younger policeman.

As if on cue, the elevator doors opened, revealing Light. Coming back from a date.

“That was quick, Light-kun,” L offered wryly. “It’s not even noon yet. Matsuda-san has just commented that there is nothing to do here.”

Light shrugged. “Misa has a lot of work today. She had to go.”

“I bet.”

“Misa-Misa is becoming really popular,” Matsuda mused dreamily. “Light-kun is so lucky to be her boyfriend.”

No one paid him any attention.

Ryuzaki watched Light as the youth approached the table with today’s papers. When his gaze fell on the pile of the brain-teasers, his face lit up.

“Oh, puzzles. Cool! The best way to kill time. Well, so much for boredom.”

The others’ glances jumped to him at those words, but that apparently escaped Light’s attention. Without a second thought he grabbed the first booklet from the top – a copy of the same magazine L had in his hands. He came up to the lounge suite where the detective was seated, looked down at the issue L was holding, and smiled.

“Brainstorm Weekly, huh?” Ryuzaki nodded. “Which one are you doing?”

“Sudoku.”

“Mmm, one of my favorites.” He sat down and started leafing through his copy, looking for a puzzle to solve.

“How about logic pictures?” The question escaped L before he managed to stop himself. He was surprised that talking to someone who had almost raped him last night came so easily to him.

“Easy. But fun.”

“I am always curious what I get to see on the picture.”

Light let out a quiet, carefree chuckle. He chose a page and reached into his pocket for a pen.

“That’s childish,” he commented.

“I always claimed that I am childish.”

Light chuckled again. “So how about a little match? We choose the same puzzle and see who finishes first. It will make the whole thing much more interesting than simply solving.”

L watched him curiously. Was this an act? Was Light smiling at him only for the sake of the cameras and the rest of the team? The team couldn’t see his face, as he had his back turned to them, and no one would check the records because nothing was happening. Before, he had a reason to play in front of L, now the reason no longer existed, but at least now he was acting exactly the same as always. He was the Light L knew.

Well, it’s quite natural that Kira is not plotting his next murders all the time. Sometimes he is just Light. Still, it’s quite unsettling to look into Kira’s eyes and see no one but a friend.

He shrugged slightly, remembering Light’s suggestion.

“Why not? You choose first.”

The teen flashed him a grin, glanced down at his booklet, and named the number of a page. L turned a few pages over. Still in the sudoku section, the one labeled as hard. Figures. Luckily, he still hadn’t gotten to this one.

“I should make you sit straight for once, you know?” Light observed. “We would see how smart you are without sitting like that. Like, half of the puzzles to solve while crouching and half normally. We could count the time, analyze your results in both positions, and compare them with mine.”

“But then you should crouch for half of the trials as well,” L countered. “We would see how smart you are sitting like that.”

Light wrinkled his nose. “Well, maybe some other time. Come to think about it, we get too many possible variables. We would have to give some more thought to the methodology.”

L nodded without a smile and they got down to sudoku.

* * *
He stood behind Light on the balcony of the teen’s room and watched him, aware that the other was aware of his presence. Still, Light didn’t turn to look at him. He continued to gaze at the city at night, leaning against the ledge and seeming particularly fond of the activity.

“So what does Kira feel, looking at the world from so high?” L offered conversationally. “Are you imagining that it already belongs to you?”

“Sometimes,” came the quiet answer. “But not right now. Now I was only staring.”

It was stated so naturally that it had to be true. Ryuzaki regarded the brunette for another moment, weighing the next question that appeared in his mind.

“How is it to be Kira, Light?”

The youth stirred and looked over his shoulder. “Why are you asking?”

“I realized that I have a unique opportunity to talk to Kira. Why not do it? I am curious of many things. Plus, maybe I will talk some sense into you.”

“I know perfectly what makes sense, Ryuzaki. Arguing with me makes none.”

L came over to stand next to him and leaned against the ledge as well.

“But I may at least ask you questions. Can it do you any harm?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then please, grant me the favor of answering them, Kira-sama.”

Light winced minimally. “No need to bite, L. And sure, ask if you want.”

L’s hand rose to his mouth and he sucked his thumb, knowing full well how much of a bad habit it was. Oh well, he’d never tried to fight his bad habits, they helped him think. For a while he also stared at the city that would soon be Kira’s. It was a strange feeling, standing here at Kira’s side, feeling hardly any hostility, just like earlier today. At such moments Light felt almost Light. No, he felt completely Light. Maybe these were the moments the Death Note owners remembered after losing the ownership. They didn’t forget the whole period – they kept track of things, mostly. They just didn’t remember fragments concerning the notebook and filled the gaps with some invented memories. That had to be the way it worked.

“What interests me the most at the moment is… were you acting today when it seemed you had a good time with me solving those puzzles? How much of it was an act?” He turned his head and allowed himself to look at Light. He saw him against the background of the city lights and cobalt sky. The youth had closed his eyes and it seemed he heaved a little sigh. A minimal breeze stirred a few strands of his fringe, and momentarily Ryuzaki felt an urge to touch this chestnut hair. Light looked more beautiful now than possibly ever.

“Well, if you think that all that Kira does when no one is watching is wicked planning and mad laughter then you are very wrong. It was not an act. I had a great time. I do have a great time with you, Ryuzaki. Whether we solve logic puzzles, have sex, talk, or even plot against one another. With no one else have I ever had such a great time. That is mainly why you are still alive.”

Ryuzaki smiled. Light gave him a straight-to-the-point answer, understanding his intentions right away. It shortened the whole process of getting there step by step.

“So Light is still awake inside there, after all,” he mused. “I am glad I get to talk to him at least for part of the time.”

The teen opened his eyes and met his gaze. “What are you talking about? There’s no Light and Kira. Light is Kira, that is all.”

“The Light I knew for the three months when you didn’t have your memories claimed that Kira was evil. He was afraid that he could be Kira. Do you remember that, Light-kun?”

Light shrugged. “I do remember. And now I know that that Light was wrong. Or rather, he was blind.”

“I am wondering if it’s possible to get to that Light now.”

“Drop it, Ryuzaki. If you really want to divide Light and Kira, me from this morning would be Light, right? But if you asked me then if Kira was right, I would have answered yes. Just like I would do now and every single moment since the instant I regained my memory. No matter in what mood I am or what I do, this doesn’t change.”

“Yes,” Ryuzaki sucked his thumb, staring past the younger male at the starry sky, “I was afraid you would say so. And in that case it really doesn’t seem possible to just talk sense into Kira through Light.”

Light snorted in annoyance and shook his head. “That’s ridiculous, Ryuzaki. If you wish to see Kira in action and analyze him, I can show you. You will see I don’t run amok or anything. It’s just me.”

Ryuzaki tilted his head. “Do you want to write in the Death Note in my presence?”

A smile. “Why not? Actually I thought it would be fun if you watched me writing Tomagoshi’s name. Imagine that, L witnessing Kira’s checkmate move. In fact I would miss it if you weren’t present at that.” That said, Light pushed away from the ledge. “Let’s go inside.” And he did. Ryuzaki shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants and followed him.

In the room Light opened a drawer of his bedside table and produced a piece of paper. Ryuzaki immediately recognized it as a piece of the Death Note. It had traces of being folded a few times. Interesting. Must be kept in some tiny compartment, which meant Light had deliberately prepared himself for this little show.

“Of course that’s not a place where I usually keep it,” the youth said as if guessing his thoughts. “And naturally, I will not show you the right place.”

He sat on the bed and reached for a book. He placed the sheet on top of it and produced a pen from his pocket. The same pen he’d used to solve sudoku. Ironic. L could do nothing but stand there and watch. Then, with his neat, pretty handwriting Light scribbled:

‘Hinzen Tomagoshi. Heart attack. 2004.11.19. 12:00’

L breathed deeply. Light looked up at him.

“See? That’s all. That is so simple. Do you see any change in me? Do you see my eyes gleaming or anything?” However, as he spoke, his voice was different. It was thickened with wicked excitement and sounded as if Light were trying to contain a chuckle. L was aware that it was most likely a taste of final victory rather than anything else. Still…

Light took a short glance at his work, then, as if nothing had happened, put the book away and hid the paper in the drawer again. He looked up at L and rose.

“And now, Ryuzaki…” he whispered.

L swallowed, feeling what was coming.

“Please, don’t.”

“I told you, I will not treat you like last night. I want it to be nice for both of us. Still, I want it.” His hand reached out, fingers hooking against Ryuzaki’s shirt. “Please, cooperate. No,” he corrected himself after a second thought, “I will make you cooperate.” With that the fingers pulled and L took a reluctant step forward. Damn, he had to bear it, he had no choice but to bear it. The rape excuse wouldn’t work again, especially with Light trying to be gentle. He stilled himself for humiliation.

Light’s hand came to the back of his neck and the younger man leaned to his lips. The kiss was slow and sweet. So slow and so sweet that Ryuzaki wanted nothing more but to melt into it. Still, he did his best not to return, not give in. At least not to give in at once. But it lasted so long… long enough for him to feel comfortable in it. And then Light drew him closer, heated up, pushed his tongue against his teeth, trying to part them, and suddenly Ryuzaki’s head was spinning and he was opening his mouth, welcoming this tongue, as his arms came around the youth’s waist.

“See? That’s better,” Light murmured.

L wasn’t able to resist much more after that. He was soon stripped of his clothes and landed on the bed under the equally naked Light. He writhed and moaned under the youth’s skillful caresses, and although he didn’t initiate any by himself, he held Light tightly with his arms, flinching in inner protest every time his tormentor’s chest pulled away from his own. He didn’t resist when Light reached to his knees and opened his legs. He let him between them. And soon he was feeling him inside.

Physically it was as good as ever, or almost as good as ever. But it was tainted with the awareness that he was doing it with Kira. That he was letting Kira do him. He couldn’t forget it, chase it away from his mind even for a second. Even at the moment when he came. For L it was the greatest defeat, all the more that his body was so willingly responding to everything Kira did.

When it was over, Kira held him in his close embrace like the last night. Like many nights before, and feeling even more disgusted with himself, L turned to face him and returned the embrace, clinging to Kira’s body closely. His mind whined in despair. His body was unable to draw back even an inch.

* * *
He opened his eyes to see Light’s sleeping face before him. The sunlight was slipping in through the window and, judging by the angle and his inner feeling, it was about 7 am. He glanced at the clock on the bedside table. 7:05. Oh well, they didn’t really need to get up early these days. Perhaps he should already look for some other cases L could take up, but he didn’t feel like doing that either.

So instead he moved his gaze back to Light. The youth was turned back to the window and only half of his face was exposed to the sun. Sunrays were playing a funny light-and-shadow game on his features, creating a picture that positively made L short of breath. Light was so beautiful… Beautiful in a different way than he’d seen it last evening. Then there was haughtiness and determination in those soft lines, now the brunette was merely a sleeping boy. He seemed so innocent. L wanted nothing more but to reach out and stroke this smooth cheek with his hand. Who would have thought that this boy was the most dangerous serial killer that had ever graced this world.

What made you become Kira, Light? Why didn’t you just act like most people, but started passing judgements like that? Is that because of your superior mind? Do you feel so much better than the others that you think you have the moral right to decide their life and death? Your intentions were good, at least that is comforting. I just wish you hadn’t become what you have in the process.

He sat up and lowered his feet to the ground. His naked body and stickiness in certain places reminded him that Light wasn’t so innocent after all. He rose and headed for the bathroom. When he was passing the nightstand on Light’s side of the bed, he stopped and silently opened the drawer. There was some stuff, but definitely no piece of the Death Note. As expected. At night Light must have gotten up and hidden the sheet in its usual place. Oh well, L would be surprised if it turned out otherwise.

He closed the drawer and went to take a shower.

* * *
L’s eyes stared at the piece of cake in front of him, then at the three others on the big plate seated between them, before finally rising to Light.

“So what is it all about? Why did you bring me here?”

“I believe you wanted to ask me questions. We didn’t talk much the other day after all. Now you have the chance. The café and the cake are just… well, encouragement.”

“Oh,” L murmured somewhat distrustfully, however his fork-armed hand was already digging into the dessert on his plate. “That’s very generous of you, coming out with it yourself.”

“That’s not generous. I decided that I want to talk to you as well. You hope you will convince me, and I hope I will convince you. Keeping an eye on you all the time is a pain, much better is to have you on my side.”

“I see.” The same wry voice again. “So what do you have to tell me that you think can convince me, Light-kun?”

Without much eagerness Light reached for his own piece. He took his time to slowly, carefully settle it on his plate, bringing up the words he’d thought would be a good start.

“I am aware that by the law I am a criminal… a murderer. I am aware that formally what I do is evil. But I believe that this way I am able to create a better reality. So I decided to sacrifice myself—my conscience—to do it. And that’s what I am doing. That’s what Kira is doing.”

The other stared at him fixedly. “Is that an ideology?”

“Yes, you can call it ideology.” And when L’s gaze didn’t cease to be skeptical, he heaved a little sigh and continued. “Tell me honestly, Ryuzaki, do you really think the Death Note is evil? Just think. It kills, yes, but did it ever occur to you that it can also directly save lives? Like in situations involving hostages. Terrorist attacks, bank robberies. It’s a perfect weapon in such cases. You can shoot an armed man who tries to put you down, but you won’t even see a man with the Death Note. More than that – knowing that such a man exists, you are discouraged to put yourself in trouble in the first place. How many innocent lives do you think I saved like that? Dozens. Like some superhero. Another example: a psychopath prowling in the area. Murderer, rapist, another wacko. Police can’t catch him and he is getting more and more victims. If you only know the name and face of this person – which you often do – he stands no chance against the Death Note. You can even make him come to the police himself and testify.”

“All this could be easily done by the police,” L observed, his jaws working on the cake. Somewhere in the meantime when Light was speaking he’d busied himself with building a pyramid of several emptied creamer containers and now seemed completely absorbed with the activity. “You could have given the Death Note to them. Your conscience would be clear, no one would hunt you, and the Death Note would be in use. Why didn’t you do it?”

Light shook his head. “When you have a bunch of people, they never do anything,” he said with a little scornful snarl. “They sit and debate for ages whether something is right or wrong, they are too afraid to do things for which they might be criticized. All this damn social correctness… it will never get you anywhere. Only a single anonymous person can do it.”

The detective was currently sticking empty sugar tubes between the plastic bricks of his construction, so that they jutted in every direction like thorns.

“But no one can control such a person,” he muttered, leaning his head to get a better look at his work. “In effect he or she uses their private judgement, which is the most dangerous situation I can imagine.”

Light decided that L’s ostensible inattention was getting on his nerves. Here he was, trying to tell him things and the guy seemed more concerned with some stupid food junk. L was always doing something with his hands, true, and Light knew that he listened, still…

“I’ve heard this before,” he said, allowing some of the annoyance into to his voice. “Yes, that’s the next point. I’ve heard all that before. Do you think I don’t visit Kira-related sites, don’t read forums? Thousands of people have been discussing it for almost a year now. I am aware of all the arguments that have been put forward against Kira and I can counter all of them. They talk about the possibility of an error. But I always check those I choose to punish. They say that a criminal can be socialized, but you can see – by the profile of this criminal – if there is a chance for that. They say that Kira won’t live forever and once he’s gone, criminals will come back. But I can choose the right successor. I have decades to find him. They ask: ‘What if such power was in the wrong hands?’ That’s true. But it isn’t. It’s in the right hands. In the very best hands. First, because I have a strong sense of justice; second, because I am a lot smarter than most people. And you can verify that. Truth be said, I am such a perfect person to possess the Death Note that it almost seems like destiny.”

L raised his thin brow at him. “Oh so?”

His dubious voice almost made Light growl with frustration.

“Listen, Ryuzaki, can’t you really see the difference between the way I punish the criminals and the way Higuchi did it? Or Misa at first? No, you do see it. You admitted it yourself. Higuchi was cruel and mindless, he killed any minor crook just to be able to use the Note for himself. Misa completely ignored some kinds of criminals that didn’t concern her personally. They were selfish, this wasn’t justice. They did things the true Kira, me, would never do. You saw it!”

“Still, you let them step into the breach,” L pointed out. “Even now you have Misa do the work for you.”

“There are situations when one has no choice. And Misa is now well instructed.”

L nodded slowly. For a moment his hands stopped whatever they were doing and he looked from over the cake and his makeshift construction straight at Light. “Alright, I can see your point,” he allowed carefully. “You are right, there is a difference between you and Misa and Higuchi. And I admit that what you said makes me… 40% relieved.”

Light stirred with a sudden surge of stupid, childish hope. Does it? Does it really? He barely managed to stifle those naive, redundant questions and keep the cool demeanor. He was suddenly trembling with excitement. Meanwhile L finished the second piece of cake (when had he started it?) and wiped his lips with his sleeve. His gaze went to the big plate.

“Aren’t you taking it?” he asked, pointing a long, bony finger at the last piece.

“No, go ahead.”

“I mean, four pieces. Two for each.”

Light shook his head, excitement making this motion somewhat abrupt.

“No no, it’s for you. I’m not a fan of sweets to begin with. And I don’t want to get fat.”

“You sure about it?” And when Light nodded, he simply pulled the big plate closer, pushing away the small one he had used. He stabbed the cake with his fork and shoved it into his mouth. “Like I once told Misa,” he said, mouth full, “you won’t get fat if you use your brain. You do use your brain, so you won’t get fat. Just look at me.”

This simple logic made Light smile.

“Still, sweets are unhealthy. I don’t want to eat unhealthy food. Besides, you may be slim, but you often have a protruding stomach.”

L gulped loudly, swallowing the contents of his mouth, and shot him a glance that suddenly was almost… panicky.

“I don’t,” he stated with a decisive air of denial.

“Oh yes, you do. No matter how great your metabolism is, if you eat a great capacity of food, your stomach will protrude. You do often have a protruding stomach. I don’t want my stomach to look like that.”

For a moment L stared at the cake with reproach, the fork hanging in his hand above it.

“How much does it protrude?” he finally asked.

Even though they were in the middle of a deadly serious discussion, Light almost burst out laughing. Did this sloppy, messy guy actually care for his looks? Impossible. Or… was it?

“Not much. And not always. But hey, don’t worry, I like it.”

L flashed him a glance of disbelief. “You like it?”

“Well, yeah, it’s kind of cute. One of your little imperfections that can be easily corrected and that’s why they are sweet. Not that I would like to see more of it, or more often, but as it is, it’s okay.”

L swallowed and put the fork down, although his gaze went wistfully to the cake. After a momentary hesitation, he pushed the plate away. Just slightly.

“Come on, Ryuzaki!” Light protested. “Don’t take it so seriously. I told you, it looks sweet.”

“No, thank you,” L pouted. “I have just decided that my stomach is full enough. Anyway, I was saying— Yes, I do see the difference between you and Misa or Higuchi. Yes, you do kill more… say, sensibly. But that doesn’t mean that I agree. That I could ever agree. Even if deep inside I admit that some of the people you killed deserved death, I simply don’t approve of what you do. Law is something many people have been creating for thousands of years. How come do you think you can be better than that?”

“But I am better than that! The statistics show it. Kira is way more effective than a bunch of those big-heads. Since the moment I started using the Death Note, the rate of crime decreased by almost 75% worldwide. In just a year I achieved something no law ever did!”

L’s eyes narrowed. “At the cost of many lives that shouldn’t have ended. One could call it terror, Light.”

Light’s excitement started to change into annoyance again.

“Terror is when people openly show support, because they are afraid. And secretly they hate you. But you don’t openly support Kira, it’s morally incorrect. What you do is support him secretly, when you are anonymous. This is something completely opposite to what one usually calls terror.”

L tilted his head and blinked, taken aback a little.

“Quite an interesting observation, Light-kun,” he admitted finally. “Yes, I generally agree.” Slowly, his hand fished for the fork again, cut a piece off the remaining piece, and brought it to his mouth. Light wondered if he was even aware of it. “However,” the detective went on after he swallowed, “what you are really showing people is that if they commit a crime, they will die. You don’t show them that committing crimes is wrong, or why it is wrong. You don’t try to change their hearts. In effect they stop breaking the law out of fear, and not because they understand. That is the terror I mean.” The fork with another bite stopped in mid-air and L raised his gaze to bore his eyes into Light. “The truth is, Light, that your fight against evil made you no other than a mass murderer.”

Rage hit Light with such force as previously had hope. At this moment, if he had held the Death Note in his hand and a pen in another, he would have written L’s name without hesitation. How dared he? How did this bastard dare to call him that? Why couldn’t he simply understand? Surely, he had intellectual potential, so why was he sticking with this stupidity?

“At least it’s working,” he hissed, barely managing to keep his voice low, barely remembering that he mustn’t let his guard down in a public place. “Apparently punishment is what works with people, because all this moral babble doesn’t. I clean the world of filth, L. I clean it of debris that only defiles it.” He was aware that he shouldn’t have said it. Those words were too hard to use them in a conversation like this. Even he, himself, rarely thought this way, only when he got overwhelmed by the righteous wrath. But spitting it out helped to soothe his nerves.

L kept his hard gaze without as much as a blink.

“And when you talk like that, you are the most scary,” he countered in this strained, intense voice of his. And when Light didn’t answer, he continued. “I also saw other things Kira did. I saw you killing people every hour for three days. Did you check so closely all of them? I don’t think so. You were simply playing cat and mouse with the police and me. I saw you killing the FBI agents just to obscure the trail. If you are asking for some new argument, here is the one. People on the forums can’t use it because they don’t know those details. You used human life to challenge. You used it to experiment and to fight. Where was your justice then?”

“Those were necessary costs. I didn’t kill those guys for fun, I needed those deaths. As for the agents, they stood in my way. Anyone who does is in fact backing the criminals I punish. They opposed God, so they deserved to die.”

For a long while Ryuzaki regarded him without a word, eyes wide and almost amazed. Finally he sighed and lowered his gaze. His toes curled on the cushions tightly.

“If you really think so, Light-kun, I don’t think I have any arguments against you,” he said quietly. “Consider it your victory in this discussion, if you want. I just don’t have anything more to say.”

Light breathed deeply, but it wasn’t a breath of satisfaction. He didn’t feel the taste of victory at all. He glanced at his only half-eaten cake and L’s two empty plates. He remembered the protruding-stomach exchange from just a minute ago and suddenly wanted to scream.

“Don’t you see, L?” he whispered, leaning to the detective over the table. “I don’t want to fight with you, I don’t want to force you – to sex, to anything. I just want you to stand by me.” He heard the plea and despair in his own voice, and swore at himself. Damn, he didn’t want to sound like this, so… vulnerable. L apparently heard it as well, because his matte gaze rose to him again. “Really, hasn’t this conversation taken us anywhere?” Light tried in a more collected tone.

“On the contrary, Light-kun,” the detective said calmly. “I found out quite a lot about Kira today.” With that, he grabbed one of the sugar tubes in his neat construction and quickly snatched it out. The pyramid collapsed on the table. Light stared at it, fascinated. Somehow, it matched his feelings just perfectly.