Just the Once

Prefer the word Doomed...


(or I think I... Him... Oh... )

When Goku woke up the next morning he felt refreshed and relaxed. The sun was shining out the window. His head didn’t hurt anymore. The morning air felt cool on his skin. Sanzo was slumped in a chair next to him, drooling a little.
Goku briefly wondered if this was his version of a Christmas Carol. Normally people weren’t quite so keen to be in a room alone with him.
Goku watched. Just for a while. Sanzo was looking thinner lately and perhaps a little ragged around the edges. His face was still smooth when asleep but Goku could tell that lines were going to start appearing eventually, few of them from laughter or joy if he was not careful. Goku was going to have to convince him to give up smoking soon, as well. Hakkai wouldn’t be constantly available to fix his black lungs forever. They all had lives that were waiting to start, once this trip was out of the way. Goku wondered what he was going to do with his.
What sort of future could he have, if he was being practical? He had no saleable skills other than strength and martial skill and maybe loyalty. He was good at being loyal. He was so glad Sanzo had found him on the mountain. Otherwise he’d have never had an outlet for it.
It had been a good thing that he’d let himself get knocked out, if he’d opened his mouth when Sanzo’d walked through the door it would have been humiliating. Well, more humiliating.
He slid out of bed and slipped one of Sanzo’s arms over his. Then he hefted him up slowly and pushed him on top of the sheets. Sanzo tensed, near awake and Goku took his place on the chair. Goku heard him breathe in through his nose and then collapse bodily into the bed, like a tyre that had just been cut.
“Monkey.” He mumbled, giving up on wakefulness yet again.
Goku watched.

---


Sanzo knew he was being stared at but he couldn’t bring himself to mind too much. He could smell earth and water, which meant that Goku was the one looking. That was ok. Sanzo liked him when he was this kind of quiet. It meant he was well-fed and pensive. Which in turn meant he was in good health and not unhappy.
That basically ticked off every point on Sanzo’s internal, subconscious checklist for things that he needed to ensure on a daily basis.
Of course, if he woke up it might all go to hell. Things tended to fuck up whenever he was conscious. He opened his eyes anyway. No point putting off whatever shit storm that surely awaited him. He was facing a wall. Not bad start, really.
He rolled over. The hang-over made the trip more interesting than he would have liked. Goku was smiling at him. Given that Sanzo had unknowingly abused him with his fucked up memories and chased him into a rainstorm, he couldn’t see why he was doing that. Sanzo would have shot himself if he’d been in a similar position. Although, that was what had got them into such a mess in the first place.
Not that he’d admit it.
And he probably would have missed on purpose.
He really wished Goku would just hit him already. It would make things so much easier. Sanzo managed to sit up after a few moments and the room didn’t spin too much. His hands itched for a cigarette but he decided to ignore them. Then something occurred to him.
“Why...” His mouth was dry as a desert, he had to cough so he could talk properly, “Why am I on the bed?”
“I put you there after I woke up. You looked like you needed it.” replied Goku.
“Oh.” And because Sanzo could never abide people trying to save his feelings, “Why the hell didn’t you tell me I was calling out to you?”
Goku looked away. So, that meant there had been opportunities to tell him and he’d chosen not to. He hadn’t been able to articulate it before but that had been what bothered him most. Sanzo didn’t cry out when he was in pain, never knowingly, never unless he had to. So much for muichimotsu. He’d been holding on to the monkey for years and he hadn’t even known it.
Goku should have struck him down at the first.
“If I had you would have tried to fix it.” Goku said, “But your kind of fixing means making things you don’t like go away.”
Goku paused a moment and carefully glanced his way. Sanzo was going to hold his tongue. He owed him that and more.
“I figured that some of it was about your Master and some of it was from when you were a kid. I didn’t think you should forget it, so I didn’t tell you and for ages I wasn’t sure what it was myself. It’s not like it’s been happening forever, it only really started up once we were on the road and youkai started turning up more. I think Gojyo figured it out before I did, although he hasn’t said anything.”
Goku became still. Clearly Gojyo’s name had slipped out before he’d meant it to. That or he was testing the waters. Sanzo, fighting his harsh nature, decided that was fair enough.
“Fuck.” Sanzo breathed out. It was the only appropriate response.
“I’m sorry about what happened to you, Sanzo, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you right away. Just... Please don’t shut me out.” Goku replied.
“As if you’d ever let me.” Sanzo said in turn.
Goku smiled again. The kind of smile he’d only had when he was sleeping as a child. Sanzo had been a pretty crappy guardian, he wasn’t going to deny it. Goku had slept in a shed for about a week before Sanzo finally owned up to the temple. He’d made sure he was fed though, made sure there was a roof over his head.
Made sure no one’s eyes wandered where they weren’t wanted.
True, he’d been doing that for a long time. Not just for other people. Not that Goku needed a defender, it was just that there were just some things easier left unknown. Sanzo had been young and pretty once. He had hated it. Still hated it.
“Why did you let Gojyo hurt you like that?” Sanzo asked, “He ripped me a new one but I won’t really believe him until I hear it from you.”
“It wasn’t a good day, I was unhappy and Gojyo was pissed off. He didn’t mean to do it and he listened to me when I told him he was hurting me.”
“You were unhappy because of me, weren’t you?”
“Sanzo...”
“Don’t lie.” Sanzo said.
“When you’re unhappy, I feel unhappy too.” Goku said, “That’s how I am with all of you guys and it’s not going to change.”
“But it’s different with me.” Sanzo pushed only because this was so very important.
“Yeah, it’s different with you.”
Sanzo filled up with hate and directed all of it inward.
“I don’t always know what to do with you. You keep so much of yourself to yourself. If that makes any sense at all. That’s who you are though and I don’t think anyone that was any different could have heard me from so far away.”
Goku lifted himself up off the chair and sat back down on the edge of the bed. He was warm and Sanzo wondered why Goku thought of him as the sun, when he wasn’t the one that had fire and heat.
“I don’t want you to change for me. I like you as you are.” Goku said.
“I’m a violent hypocrite with an alcohol problem.” Sneered Sanzo, gaze firmly locked on the door.
“Yeah, I like that about you too.”
Sanzo relaxed a little.
“I should go talk to Hakkai, see how Jeep’s doing.” Sanzo said, after a few minutes of comfortable silence.
Goku started to stand up.
“Y-yeah.”
Sanzo placed a hand on his shoulder.
“Are you okay?”
Goku turned, smiling still although now there was some strain. Words unsaid were hiding in his eyes. Sanzo wondered how he’d ever let come to let Goku care so much, when all it ever gave him was hurt.
“I’m not going far.” He promised.
There was a pain in his chest that he hadn’t felt in a long time. He carded his hand through Goku’s hair.
“Ok.” Goku replied.
Sanzo moved away from him more reluctantly that he usually did. Probably because he’d been worried before.
Yeah, that was it.
“Go eat something.” He said in parting.

---

Gojyo waited until the Monk was down the stairs before going to see how Goku was.
He opened the door to find Goku crying silently.
It was only Goku’s quiet, “Hey,” that stopped him running down the stairs to kick Sanzo’s ass. He forcefully swallowed his anger and hugged him.
“You alright?”
“I think I...” Goku choked, “I think I... Him...”
Gojyo sighed.
“Yeah, yeah you do.”
“Oh. Shit.” Goku replied.
“I think you could do much better than him, kid.”
“I could, how?” Goku said, still teary.
Gojyo patted his back.
“Do I have a hope?” Goku asked.
“I prefer the word doomed when referring to a relationship with him.” Gojyo said wryly.
“The kind of doomed I want?”
“Only because you’re a crazy little homo.”
“Fuck you.” Goku said, holding him tighter.
“Been there and enjoyed it.” Gojyo replied, “You were there too you know, I’d think you’d remember.”
Goku laughed, “Dick.” Then thumped him on the shoulder.
Goku pulled away and rubbed the tear tracks on his face.
“I’m hungry, let’s get something to eat.”

---

Hakkai and Sanzo were downstairs before them, talking quietly. They had ordered food already. Goku sat down gratefully, eating slowly and thanking whichever deity that didn’t have it in for them for the fact that Sanzo and Gojyo weren’t fighting. It had to be a good sign if they weren’t trying to kill each-other.
“So, what are we going to do today?” Goku asked, still mindful of potential conflict.
“Get in the jeep and get the fuck out of here. We’ve got youkai to kill on Tuesday and I’d like to be a little further west by then.” Sanzo grumbled, drinking water and wincing slightly.
“Great, great.” Replied Goku.
“Jeep is already packed.” Added Hakkai.
Gojyo and Goku finished the last of the rice. Sanzo stubbed out his morning cigarette.
They all stood as one. Then they walked out the door.
Goku returned three seconds later.
“Hey, thanks barman, see you around!” Shouted Goku.
Barman, in the manner of all barmen everywhere, just nodded and continued cleaning his glass.