With All of My Heart

The house was quiet when Jadeite came home, thankfully. He left his shoes at the door and checked the clock on the wall. Midnight, much earlier than usual. Tonight had been a complete failure from the start. How could he have even thought that she would have been the one? He must be getting desperate.

He braced himself against the kitchen table as tears began to fill his eyes. It happened sometimes, when he started thinking about all the things he had been doing, and what she would think of them.

“Jadeite?”

Startled, Jadeite jumped and looked around quickly for the source of the voice. Zoisite stood in the dark hallway leading from the kitchen to the piano room. Instinctively, Jadeite rubbed his eyes, hoping that the lighting was dim enough that Zoisite couldn't see. “What?” he asked, trying to sound annoyed.

“Can we talk?”

He knew what this was going to be about, and there was no real avoiding it, so Jadeite walked silently down the hall, following Zoisite to his favourite spot. This room was lit, and the blond prayed that his eyes weren't too red.

Zoisite sat on the piano bench, but facing Jadeite, as the younger of the two plopped down on the sofa. “What's going on?” Zoisite asked softly.

Jadeite shrugged his shoulders. “Nothing.”

“Where did you go tonight?”

“Nowhere.”

“Jadeite, I only want to help you. This morning you were hung over, and tonight I find you crying in the kitchen.”

Jadeite turned his head away, embarrassed.

“I'm worried. I know this adjustment hadn't been easy on any of us, and I want to help you.”

“You can't,” Jadeite whispered, regretting his words as soon as they were out. Zoisite couldn't find out, none of them could. They would hate him, Kunzite might kill him.

Zoisite got off the bench and joined Jadeite on the sofa. He reached out, but Jadeite shuffled down as far as he could. He was on the verge of crying again and he refused to let Zoisite see.

“Jadeite...”

She was in his head again. Jadeite tried to fight the images, but once they were there, they wouldn't leave. Her breathtaking beauty, her strength, her power. Jadeite needed those things again, and he couldn't have them. He couldn't have her. He was crying again, and he couldn't stop it.

Zoisite remained where he was and quite, waiting patiently for Jadeite to get it out of his system.

“You wouldn't understand, you couldn't,” he stammered between sobs.

“Understand what?”

Jadeite turned back around, it was useless hiding now. He shook his head, maybe he should tell Zoisite, put all the cards out on the table here and now. Zoisite wasn't going to let him go without an explanation, so what was the point in delaying this? After all, he could find somewhere else to go after he was thrown out of the house.

He was leaning forward, arms on his knees as he looked down at the floor. “You never asked how I died,” he said quietly.

“I never thought it important.”

“Do you know how Kunzite died?”

There was a pause and Jadeite waited. “He doesn't blame you for that, none of us do. You were still...”

“Under Beryl's curse,” Jadeite finish, interrupting Zoisite. “I wasn't under her spell when I died though. She lifted it.” Jadeite turned his head a bit towards Zoisite, watching him out of the corner of his eye.

“How did you die?” he finally asked.

This was it, Jadeite took a deep breath. “I was in the Dark Kingdom when it collapsed. In the Throne Room, on my knees.”

A lengthy pause followed. “With the curse removed...” Zoisite's voice was still calm, eerily so.

Jadeite was trembling now, suddenly worried about what Zoisite would do to him with his confession. He wrapped his arms around himself to try and stop it, but it wasn't helping. “I choose to stay, e... even when she told me to run. I told her...” his voice shook just as much as his body did. “I told her that... that I... that she was... my master.” Those last words were almost inaudible. Jadeite couldn't be sure that he had even said them loud enough for Zoisite to hear, if he had said them at all.

Zoisite stood up from the sofa and walked to stand in front of Jadeite. Jadeite winced in preparation for what was to come. Zoisite was going to strike him, he knew it, and now he could only wait for the... soft fabric of a glove cupping his cheek?

Jadeite opened his eyes wide and Zoisite gently coaxed his head back so that he could look him in the eye. His expression was so compassionate and caring. Jadeite didn't know how to react to this. Zoisite had been the one pounding it into their heads that Endymion was their master, and yet he wasn't angry that Jadeite had chosen another?

“I never realized that you loved her.”

Jadeite opened his mouth to speak, but no words came forth. He had loved her. He had never realized how much until she was gone. It was like a piece of him, deep inside, had disappeared. No matter how much he searched, he couldn't find anyone who would replace her.

Zoisite sat back down, but closer, and Jadeite let him this time. Zoisite was watching him, waiting for him to speak, but Jadeite feared that if he did, he would start babbling, saying more than he meant to.

“If she came back, you would leave us, leave the Master, and go to her?”

Jadeite nodded, “I wouldn't hesitate.”

“Then, what are your feelings towards the Master?”

Jadeite understood the hidden meaning of Zoisite's question. Beryl had been obsessed with him, and he had been Jadeite's only real competition for her love. He did everything he could to gain her affections. Stealing energy, spying on the other Tennou, and on the few nights when he had especially pleased her, he joined her in her bedroom for a short while. Despite all that, she never once looked away from the Earth's Prince, wanting only him.

“I hated him,” Jadeite blurted out before thinking. “He was the one she wanted, and I hated him for it. When she gave me that crystal to put inside him, to drain his energy, I took such pleasure in that task. I knew that it would eventually kill him. I saw it working instantly, causing him pain, slowly...” Jadeite trailed off, realizing exactly what he had just said. “I don't feel that way anymore!” When he looked over at Zoisite, there was a sadness in his eyes. Jadeite wished he could take back those words, but the damage was done. Zoisite would see just how horrible he was. “You must hate me.”

“I don't hate you,” he replied quietly. “I know how things were in the Dark Kingdom, and I also know how powerful an emotion love is.”

“You love the Master?” Jadeite asked. He had lived in the house long enough to have picked up the clues needed to draw that conclusion. Until now, he hadn't cared, only really worrying about his own situation.

“Yes,” Zoisite replied to his question easily.

“Even though he loves Usagi...”

“Yes.”

“Then, how do you feel about her?”

Now it was Zoisite's turn to have to pause and consider his response. They were in very similar boats, Jadeite realized then. The only difference was that Zoisite's was still floating, and Jadeite was struggling to just keep his head about water.

“I try not to blame her,” Zoisite replied finally. “We don't choose who we fall in love with, and the fates can be cruel sometimes.”

“If...” Jadeite trailed off, wondering if he should skip this question all together. He did want to know the answer, but he truly did not want to ask the question. “If... if something happened and the Master was gone... what would you do?” Jadeite was looking at the floor again, so he couldn't see Zoisite's expression. There was no response for a long while, and Jadeite thought that perhaps his instinct to shut up already had been a good one.

“I don't know,” he replied softly, “I'd have no purpose in this world.”

Jadeite didn't like that response one bit. Did he feel that he had no purpose? He wasn't sure.

Zoisite placed his hand on Jadeite's shoulder. His initial reaction was to pull away, but it was strangely comforting for reasons he couldn't explain. “Does this have anything to do with where you go at night?” Zoisite asked. “You've been drinking quite a bit, haven't you?”

Jadeite shook his head. He had lead them to believe that, but it wasn't the case. “Not really. It was just that one time that I had too much. She insisted.”

“She?”

“I can't remember her name. I don't remember most of them.”

Zoisite shifted closer and put his arm fully around Jadeite's shoulders, giving his furthest arm a gentle squeeze. “Jadeite, what's been happening?”

The worst was out of the way, and Zoisite hadn't even been angry with him. Maybe if he told him everything, he would know what to do? Why was it so hard to get the words out? His throat hurt suddenly, and even though he tried to hold back the tears, he was soon crying again uncontrollably. He held a hand up to his face, as if this would somehow hide the fact that he was bawling.

Zoisite said nothing and instead pulled Jadeite into an embrace. Jadeite buried his face in Zoisite's chest and clung to the front of his uniform. It felt good, comforting, to have Zoisite hold him like this. Slowly he managed to calm himself until it was just the occasional sob. Still, he didn't want to pull away just yet.

“I feel so alone,” he began. “Like there's something inside of me missing because Beryl-sama is gone.” He probably shouldn't have used that honourific in Zoisite's presence, but there didn't seem to be any kind of reaction, so he continued. “One night, I just went out for a walk to try and clear my head. I ran into this woman near one of the nightclubs. Everything about her reminded me of Beryl-sama. She was beautiful, and I couldn't help but stare.

“She noticed me, of course I kind of stand out, and we started talking. She easily got me into the club despite my age, and we stayed there for a few hours. Later she invited me back to her apartment. It was perfect, like I'd found someone who could replace her.

“We made love, but... I felt nothing. It was completely meaningless. When I was with Beryl-sama, words just couldn't describe how wonderful it was, and there is nothing I wouldn't trade to get that back.

“So, after she fell asleep I left, but the next night I found another woman, and the night after that, another. Ever single time it was a woman that in some way reminded me of her. It could have been her eyes, her voice, it didn't matter, but every time the same thing would happen. Nothing.”

Jadeite paused for a moment, waiting to see if Zoisite wanted to say anything. He didn't. He just continued rubbing his hand up and down Jadeite's back. “I don't know how many women I've been with since then. I'm no better than a whore.”

“Jadeite,” Zoisite finally spoke. “Don't say things like that.”

“It's true though!” Jadeite exclaimed, finally pushing himself away from Zoisite. “Even if she did somehow come back, there is no way she would have me now. She used to say that she loved my innocence. That's a joke,” he scoffed.

“But she's not coming back, Jadeite,” Zoisite said softly. “And no matter how hard you try to find someone to replace her, it isn't going to happen.”

Those words were hard for Jadeite to take. He shook his head, he didn't want to listen to this.

“You need to learn to let her go,” Zoisite continued. He reached out and whipped away the tears that Jadeite hadn't noticed. “I know it won't be easy, but that is what has to happen.” Zoisite stood unexpectedly and offered a hand to Jadeite. “Nephrite is going to be home soon, Kunzite as well. Would you prefer to be somewhere more private?”

Like Hell did he want either of them to hear a word of this. Kunzite would hit him, he knew it, and Nephrite, he had no idea what Nephrite would do. He nodded and took the offered hand prepared to follow Zoisite, but the other man didn't move. “Where?”

“Where would you feel most comfortable?”

“Is my room OK?”

Zoisite nodded and let Jadeite lead the way. As if the house was chilly, Jadeite wrapped his arms around himself, dropping them only for a moment to open and close the door to his room.

There wasn't much to his room. Kunzite and Zoisite's rooms were much more spacious. He didn't really care, since he only needed the place for sleeping. He had a smaller twin bed as the room wouldn't have been able to fit a larger bed comfortably. A small desk sat in the corner, but that was the extent of the furniture in this room. So it wasn't odd that Zoisite choose to sit in the edge of the bed. Jadeite hesitated for a moment, but then took a seat beside the older Tennou, arms still hugging himself.

“Tell me what you are thinking,” Zoisite said, his hand returning to Jadeite's back.

“I don't know,” Jadeite replied. “I can't just forget about her.”

“And you don't have to. What you do need to do is learn that it's alright to move on with your life. Accept the fact that you won't be able to find her out there.”

He was going to start crying again, and he tried to stifle the sobs before they came out. He felt Zoisite shift position on the bed, but didn't really notice where until Zoisite asked him to lie down.

Consciously he thought that he was odd to lie in the same bed as Zoisite, or any other man, but something else inside of him told him this was normal.

Zoisite wrapped his arms around Jadeite and held him close while he continued to sob. They lay like that for several minutes. Zoisite would rub his back, and it helped, it really helped.

“Why doesn't this feel weird?” Jadeite asked. “This shouldn't feel so... normal.”

“Do you remember much of the past?”

Jadeite shook his head. “Not really, bit and pieces.”

“You were young, very young, when you first started training to be one of the Shitennou. Younger than any of the rest of us had been. It was hard on you, and there were plenty of times when you came to me looking for reassurance.”

“You?” Jadeite asked, confused. “You told me before that I was closest to the Master, like a brother.”

“Yes, you were close, but at the same time you didn't want him to know that you were having trouble handling the training. Kunzite was rough on you, so you couldn't talk to him either. Nephrite has a personality that makes him ill suited for this sort of thing. So you would come to me, and there were many nights when we lay just like this.”

Jadeite nodded, understanding. He heard the sound of a door opening and closing, and muffled voices of Kunzite and Nephrite followed. A thought occurred to him then that when they figured out where he and Zoisite were, they were going to jump to conclusions he didn't want them too.

“Do you want me to leave?” Zoisite asked, apparently sensing Jadeite's discomfort.

In truth, he did not. He wanted Zoisite to stay all night if he could. “No, but... they'll think that we're...”

“Does what they think really matter to you?”

It shouldn't, but that didn't mean that he would be looking forward to the looks he was going to get later. When he thought about it however, he much preferred the idea of dealing with that over Zoisite leaving him alone. “I'd like you to stay a bit longer if you could,” he said softly.

“I can stay as long as you need me to.”

Jadeite smiled faintly. He was beginning to feel sleep pulling at him and cuddled a bit closer to Zoisite before closing his eyes.