There and Back Again

November 16, 2005

Mello was bored. He’d been standing at the window for what felt like hours, but in reality was only twenty minutes at most. Matt was splayed across a couch, purposefully punching buttons on his game, an unlit cigarette dangling from his mouth. Ever and Near, that dork, were both on the floor. One putting a puzzle together, the other crashing small army men into the puzzle. Mello sighed and rolled his eyes. He unwrapped a bar of chocolate and tried to think of something to do. Read? Nope. Write? Another no. Harass Alta? Hells no. Do homework? Yeah, right. Kick Near in the face for no reason? Too childish. He wasn’t twelve anymore. Now, the mature thing to do was wait for Near to deserve a kick to the face. Mello sighed again.

“Dude, quit. You’re throwing off my game groove,” Matt muttered from the couch.

Normally, with his mood being what it was, that comment would have warranted at least a smack from him, but he wasn’t even motivated enough for that. Instead, he settled with flashing a dirty look toward the goggled red-head before lazily turning his eyes once more to the window. The snow was falling softly and it seemed to be the staying kind of snow. He knew that meant a lot of the children here would be bundled up and building snowmen and tossing snowballs at each other. That meant someone would be outside with Ever later today. He placed his fist against his cheek and breathed against the window. Out of the corner of his eye he saw a black car slowly coming up the way and stopping in the front of the building. The driver exited and opened the passenger door. Mello continued watching until....

“L! It’s L! He’s back!” He started to push himself away from the window when he saw someone else exit the vehicle. Mello’s body physically sagged. “That fucker’s back too. Shit.”

“Mel, give it a rest. Light’s not going anywhere. You know that.”

Mello threw his balled up chocolate wrapper at Matt’s head.

“Just because I know it, doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“You like him. Don’t even act like you don’t.”

“Shut the fuck up!” Mello stormed from the room, intent on greeting L before any of those other losers had a chance to. Matt chuckled under his breath. He knew Mello enough to know that he had a major puppy love crush on L, and that he was only the biggest asshole to people he secretly admired. Like Near. Like Light.

“Aren’t you going to go say hi?”

Matt paused his game to look at Ever.

“Naw. I don’t completely hero worship the guy like just about everyone else. I’ll wait till later, when he has time.” It was still strange for Matt to hear the little boy talking.

Ever nodded slightly. “I understand. I’m going though. I missed them a lot.”

Matt gave a slight wave as Ever and Near left. Ever to see L and Light, Near most likely to his room. Matt knew Near didn’t give a damn about L. Near didn’t give a damn about anyone. What a fucked up bunch of kids we are, Matt thought.

**

“Aren’t you too old for that?” Light asked the disheveled blonde teen that had knocked L to the floor.

“I’ll be too old for it when you stop asking if I’m too old,” Mello said, standing up.

Light narrowed his eyes. Maybe he hadn’t missed Mello all that much.

“Light!”

Light turned his face toward the sound of an unfamiliar voice calling him. He was surprised to see Ever, clad from head to toe in black, running in his stockinged feet toward him.

“Ever?”

The boy launched himself into the air, trusting completely that Light would catch him.

“You made it back just in time. I was concerned,” Ever said, hugging Light tightly.

“When did you start talking?”

“Just before you left.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me?” Light asked while looking pointedly at L.

The world’s three greatest detectives merely wiggled his toes. Light raised a brow before turning to look again at Ever.

“What do you mean ‘made it back in time’?”

“Nothing. I just missed you. We should go play in the snow later.” Ever squirmed his way out of Light’s arms and ran once more down the hall.

“Don’t you have somewhere better to be?” Light asked Mello.

“No, not really.”

“Mello,” L said, “I will have a proper visit with you soon. Now is not the time. Give me a moment to rest from my travels.”

“Sure thing, L.”

**

Light and L gathered their things and made their way to the room. Light still continued calling it L’s bell tower, which irked him to no end. L was very pleased to see a tea tray set up in the room, complete with biscuits, muffins for Light, and a small cake. God bless Wammy for knowing me so well, L thought. L tossed his bags haphazardly in a pile, while Light stacked his neatly against a wall. L had just started to pour the tea when he realized Light hadn’t moved. He was just standing there, arms crossed, looking at him.

L knew that stance. It usually meant Light was upset over something, something trivial. He didn’t want to argue with Light. He’d been doing his best to avoid it. All he wanted was for Light to be happy during the time they had left together.

“Light, would you be so kind, and tell me why you feel the need to grind your teeth?”

“Mello,” Light said through gritted teeth.

L tilted his head to the side.

“What about him?”

“It’s annoying to watch him crawling all over you. He’s what? Sixteen? It’s unseemly for a boy his age. Unhealthy too.”

“Yes, it most likely is. It’s also harmless. He’s not a threat to you.”

“A threat? You think I’m jealous? Jealous of that androgynous, leather wearing, emotionally unstable, freak?!”

“Yes, Light. That is exactly what I think.”

Silence descended upon the room.

Light turned and made his way to the door. Just as he touched the handle, he felt L press against his back and saw his pale hand on the door by his head.

“What are you doing, L?” Light asked softly.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

Light felt L’s hand snaking gently around his waist. L felt him trying to suppress the gasp.

“I’m leaving,” Light breathed.

“I don’t think you are.” L’s cool fingers slide slowly under Light’s shirt. Light struggled to maintain some semblance of composure.

“I am. I need to . . . aahh!” Light threw his head back. L’s hand had changed direction and was now gripping him firmly.

“You need to what?” L murmured into Light’s ear.

“I need to . . . oh god!” He needed to concentrate, but the slow strokes L was administering to his body were so very, very distracting. “Why do you always . . . ah . . . do this?”

“I do it, Light, because I’m good at it.” L whispered. “Because you like it.”

His only response was a low moan.

Light registered the sensation of cotton material sliding slowly down his legs. If anyone had ever told him that, one day, he would be pressed against a door, naked from the waist down, while a British man pleasured him; he’d never have believed it. Yet, here he was, with L inside him, making him scream, making him beg for more, more. He felt L pulling him down, biting and licking the side of his neck. No, on the floor, they were facing each other, holding and thrusting, their bodies dipping and bending to kiss, to lick, to bite.

**

“I hate you,” Light mumbled into L’s chest.

L lifted his head from the floor slightly. “That’s not what one usually hears after bringing someone to climax . . . twice.”

“What do you want? A thank you?”

“You’re welcome.”

Light sighed and rolled off L and lay his back against the floor. “Not what I meant, and you know it.” He watched L sit up and pull his clothes on. He eyes remained on L as he walked over to the tea tray.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed, L.”

“Noticed what?” L asked, touching the teapot. O good, it’s still warm, he thought.

“Every time you think I’m upset about something, you avoid the argument by turning it into Sex-O-Rama ’05.”

L began plopping cubes of sugar into his tea. “Is that a problem?”

“Yes . . . No . . . I don’t know.”

“Well, do you know how long you intend to lay on the floor naked? I don’t mind, but you’ll get cold soon.”

Light rose from the floor, stomped over to the wardrobe, and began yanking clothes out. “You’re so infuriating! I’m taking a shower and then we can . . .” he sniffed the air. “Have you been letting Matt smoke in here?”

“No.”

“Then why does it . . . oh god.” Light’s eyes rivaled L’s in size as he sprinted across the room and into the bathroom. L smirked as he walked to the door, opening it to see heir number three puffing happily away.

“Can I help you?”

“Sorry, L. I know I’m not allowed to smoke inside, but damn. Anyone would need a smoke after hearing you two.”

“Is there something you needed?” L asked with a small half smile on his face.

“Just to say ‘hey’ and Ever wants to hang out in the snow soon with mister screamer.”

“I’ll let Light know.”

**

L was not a fan of snow. Snow required bulky coats and uncomfortable shoes. Snow required socks. L hated socks. Light, on the other hand seemed to enjoy the snow. L watched him from a window as he taught Ever how to make a snow angel. After making a couple, Ever grew bored and suddenly lobbed a snowball at Light’s face.

“He’s got a good arm, doesn’t he?”

Alta moved from her chair in the shadows. “I wondered if you knew I was here or not.” She stood next to L and they spent a few moments in silence. L broke the silence with a question she’d been waiting for.

“Will I outlive him for very long?”

She looked at him thoughtfully.

“I suppose it depends on how you define ‘long’.”

“Alta.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I honestly don’t know how to answer your question, L. You already know you’re going to outlive him. Why does it matter how long?”

L placed his palm against the glass. “I want to know how long I have to wait.”

She pulled her gaze away from L and back to her son, rolling a large boulder of snow.

“You’ll be with us for a long while and I think you know why.”

“I do.”

She tentatively moved her fingers toward L’s and gently held his hand in hers.

“You promised him something, didn’t you?”

“I did. You weren’t to know. He said it would upset you.”

“It would have. Not now though,” she smirked. “You would think that two geniuses would have realized that I could have figured out whatever agreement you made. I noticed the extra attention Ever received.”

“I’m starting to think ‘genius’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘smart’.”

She squeezed his hand before letting go. “Thank you,” she said.

L only nodded before turning his gaze once more out the window.

********

November 20, 2005

Quillish Wammy was pulling what could only be described as an all-nighter. He didn’t usually work late when L was on minor cases, but, on his return to Wammy House, he’d been greeted by a sheepish Roger and a mountain of paper work. There were two things Roger disliked: Children and paper work. Quillish was always amused that those things were what constantly surrounded the poor man.

He heard the click of the door behind him and the soft shuffling of feet on the carpet. He smiled and turned his chair around.

“L? What is it?”

He’d never seen the boy look so despondent. Young man, he corrected himself. L didn’t say anything, but Quillish noticed his hunched form seemed even more so.

“L?” Quillish became truly alarmed at the presence of tears on L’s face. L very rarely cried. Quillish did the only thing he could think to do. When L had been a small boy, before he learned to control his emotions, Quillish had simply opened his arms and held him. It had been years, but now, L’s head at his chest with his arms around him; it felt like it had been only yesterday. L truly was the child of his heart.

“Quillish,” L whispered, “I honestly don’t think I can do this.”

“You can and you will.”

“I’ve never felt this powerless before. I have the world at my beck and call, but I can’t stop this one thing from happening. I can’t keep him!”

“Maybe he was never yours to keep.”

L jerked his head up sharply and stepped away.

“Why wouldn’t he be?”

“My dear boy, some people we are never meant to keep. Some people are meant to enter our lives for but a moment. All we get to keep of them are memories of when they were here and the way we felt when we were with them. The very way he entered you life should have made you realize that he would be one of those people.”

Quillish rose from his chair, pulled a handkerchief from his pocket, and handed it to L.

“You’ve been happy, and even your worst moments together won’t seem so bad in the future. Most people never get a glimpse or a taste of what you’ve had. Cherish it.”

“It’s so hard, knowing . . . having a countdown in my head. It’s somehow worse knowing I only have two more days with him. I wish I didn’t know.”

“But you do know. All you can do is give him two more happy days and leave nothing unsaid.”


October 31, 1999


Beyond had always known about the ‘midnight visits’, as he’d dubbed them. He’d been furious at first, now he didn’t care. He’d waited in the shadows, waited for her to leave. Now, he was simply waiting for courage to come. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door, turned his back to it, and waited. The door creaked.

“B?” the soft, surprised voice asked.

“L.” Beyond stood in silence. It was difficult to not turn around.

“Why are you . . .”

“I have something to say to you. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to know what you look like. I don’t want to know you. I just want you to know one thing. You took something away from me. You took away my dreams, my life, who I thought I was. Maybe I can’t take any of those things away from you, maybe I can. Who knows? But, I’ll try my damndest, that’s a promise. Right now, I’m pretty sure you’re the type to not care about anything or anybody. One day, maybe, you will. And one day, you’ll lose that thing or person. And on that day, I swear to god, I’ll be laughing at you from Hell.”


********

November 22, 2005


Evermore Beyond Birthday was not, by nature, a clingy child. He did not normally latch onto people, refusing to let go. He’d never begged his mother for more hugs, more kisses, another bedtime story, a glass of water. It wasn’t that he didn’t crave attention or bask in the warm feeling of unconditional physical affection. He simply refused to beg for it.

For Light, he made an exception.

There was something about him, from the moment Ever had watched him sleeping, he’d felt it. Light had seemed like him, good and bad, innocent and sinister. Ever knew why he was bad. People didn’t like knowing when they were going to die, so knowing was bad. Ever couldn’t figure out why Light was bad . . . until the day in the apple orchard. When that monster talked to him, he knew that was what made Light bad. Light knew the monster. No, not monster, Ever mentally corrected himself, shinigami. L had told him it was a god of death named Ryuk. It had come with them from Japan and Ever shouldn’t be afraid of it. And Ever wasn’t afraid, not until Light had started screaming. After, L and Light had left and Ever was glad he’d held onto Light so often. Today, especially, he would hold on for as long as he could.

**

“Anyone notice how weird Ever’s been today?”

“No more than usual, Mel. Why?”

“He’s been following Light around like a puppy.”

“So?”

“So? So, it’s not cool. Ever doesn’t follow anyone around like that.”

Matt paused his game and pushed his goggles up. “You’re jealous!”

“What? Fuck no!”

“Yeah, you are! I just don’t know if you’re jealous because Ever’s not hanging with you or if it’s because you’re not with Li-”

Mello pulled Matt by the shirt collar and made a fist.

“Finish that sentence and you’ll wish to God you hadn’t.”

“Geez, Mello. Fine, whatever.” Matt extracted himself from the angry blonde’s grasp. “Besides, it’s not just Ever. L’s been watching Light all day.”

“Yeah, well he’s not making Light carry him around.”

“I think L would be the one carrying Light, actually.”

**

Alta watched L watching Light. She knew what it was to lose someone, but she couldn’t even imagine was L was feeling. To know, truly know you were losing someone was horrible. It had been hard to lose A, but she hadn’t loved A the way L did Light. And losing Beyond, while she’d been almost waiting for it, had still been unexpected. Knowing was worse.

The sun was down and Ever had demanded a fire in the fireplace and hot cocoa. Alta had been surprised. Ever never really demanded anything, let alone something as conventional as a fire and cocoa.

Light, on the other hand, had thought it was a splendid idea. It had been L’s turn to be the surprised person in the room. So, a fire had been built, Wammy had appeared with cocoa, and Ever had built a house of cards. Alta watched the clock and Light’s numbers tick swiftly by.

“Ever,” she said.

The miniature doppelganger turned away from his cards.

“No,” he said.

“Yes. We have to.”

Ever’s bottom lip began trembling. “But, I don’t want to.”

“I know. We talked about this. We need to go.”

Ever sniffled and went to where Light was sitting. He crawled into his lap and squeezed him tight.

“Good night, Light. I love you,” Ever whispered.

**

They lay in the blue light of the moon. L counted every heartbeat Light made, every breath he took.

“L?”

“Yes, Light?”

“Remember when you told me you heard the bells?”

“I do.”

“I hear them too.”

The clock ticked. Someone whispered I love you. L wouldn’t remember who said it.

**

Ever lay next to his mother, thumb in his mouth, tears on his cheeks. She stroked his hair in a way she remembered Light doing for her. The silence in the house was overwhelming. When she thought she could take it no more, a horrible cry of despair echoed through the house and she longed suddenly for that silence. Ever wept and whispered, “Why is he making that sound?”

She held him closer. “That’s the sound your heart makes when it’s gone.”

********

A/N: Even though it was just a tiny amount of text, it was so hard to write. I'd like to apologize for all the horrible typos in my last update. I can't believe I missed them! But, that's what you get when you're your own beta. And also, thanks for not telling me. I live in fear of the day when I get a review and it's "yeah, you suck cause the typos were awful." XD