To the Moon and Back

Chapter 9



One month later



Hiroki retched violently into the toilet bowl. There was nothing left in his stomach to throw up, he had emptied its measly contents a long while ago, but still the nausea remained. He could hardly keep anything down nowadays... a symptom of the chemotherapy. He rested his pounding head against the rim of the toilet bowl, fighting the rolling waves in his stomach. His throat was all scratchy and dry from throwing up the acidic contents of his stomach, and his whole body trembled vigorously from the toll on his stomach and his body in general that the treatment was causing to them.



He could hear his mother knocking urgently at the door, extremely worried about the condition of her son, as he had bolted from the dinner table, in the middle of dinner, and locked himself in the toilet to throw up. The least he could do was not throw up in front of his parents and make them worry more than it was necessary.



‘Hiroki, are you ok? Do you need anything, some water perhaps?’, called his mother anxiously outside the bathroom door.



‘I’m fine Mother, go back and finish your dinner. I’ll head to bed in abit.’ he croaked feebly, hating how his voice sounded so weak. He laid down on the cold tiled floor of the bathroom in his parents’ house, and fought back the bile that was once again rising in his throat. Tears burned at the back of his eyelids as Nowaki came to mind. Nowaki and his warm hands, his loving embrace and how he would always make everything go away. How he missed Nowaki, with every aching cell in his body.



Suddenly, as he burrowed his head into his arms trying to stem the tears, a sharp pain shot through his arm, that reminded him of the needle holes in the inside of his elbow. They had patched the area up, but it was still extremely tender to the touch, and the veins through which the chemicals entered through throbbed constantly, as a painful reminder of his illness. But the treatment was going well, and he had received his second dose of chemotherapy just yesterday. The symptoms that had immediately presented themselves, right from the start of the treatment were the nausea and body tenderness and aches, but other than that, he was still in a pretty normal condition. But he knew it was only a matter of time before the hair-loss and weight-loss began.



However, the two things that always hurt the most, was the burning, searing pain of the chemicals entering his bloodstream and travelling through his body. The pain that was wrought on his body as the chemicals killed cells was excruciating, but as he did not want his parents to worry, all he could do was to bite on his inner cheek to prevent himself from making any sound. The other, was a emotional pain, the pain of missing Nowaki. Hiroki could acutely feel Nowaki’s absence, and only now did he really realise how part of life Nowaki previously was. Even the smallest activities in daily life, he had fond memories of Nowaki, and he missed Nowaki terribly. Every time the pain coursed through his body, how he wished that he could grip Nowaki’s hand till the pain faded away. Without Nowaki by his side, he felt weak and useless... to the point where he felt sometimes that he wanted to give up on the treatment, cause it was so painful. But when he thought about the possibility of recovering, and going back to Nowaki again... Hiroki knew he had to deal with the pain. He had left Nowaki to recover from his leukaemia, the least he could do, was to endure the treatment right till the end, recover and returne to Nowaki’s side. If Nowaki would have him back.



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At the same time, in Tokyo...



Nowaki collapsed tiredly on the floor of the apartment he shared with his Hiro-san. No, correction, used to share with Hiro-san. Hiro-san was no longer around, and pretty much not his anymore. He was exhausted from the long day at work. He had been putting in extra hours the past few month, in hope that by occupying himself, he would not have the time to think of Hiro-san.



But now left alone in his quiet, dark and empty apartment, emotions and memories from the not so distant past assaulted his mind. He remembered distinctly the day he came home from work, only to find a note and Hiro-san gone. He could not believe it, how could the wonderful night they had shared the night before produce such an outcome the next day. He did not understand it, and neither did he understand the note Hiro-san had left for him. Nowaki knew he was not worthy of Hiro-san, and that the distance between them status, career or achievement wise still existed, but he did not doubt the love they had for each other. Nowaki saw the love that shone in Hiro-san’s eyes the night before, and he did not believe that Hiro-san was no longer in love with him. He refused to believe, and could not allow himself to believe it, for his entire reason for living, and believing in himself, came from the fact that his Hiro-san loved him, and that they were together.



Nowaki had then spent the next few days after his Hiro-san left, searching for him. He went to the university first, where he had stormed into Hiro-san’s office looking for him. Hiro-san was nowhere to be found, and his table which normally would be cluttered with his precious books and papers was empty. As Nowaki stood there staring at the empty table in shock, refusing to believe that Hiro-san would have left his most precious job which he loved with a passion, Professor Miyagi cleared his voice softly behind him.



Nowaki swivelled around anxiously, hoping it would be his Hiro-san, only to be extremely disappointed to see Professor Miyagi standing there. To see Nowaki’s face fall from that of high hopes, to abject misery, was painful, even for a person of little emotions like Miyagi Yoh.



‘Where is Hiro-san?!’ Nowaki demanded almost angrily from Professor Miyagi.



‘You mean you didn’t know? I’d have thought he would have told you that he had took a year off from his job at the university. Why are you looking for him? Has he disappeared?’



‘He left... He left me a note that I only saw when I got home from work last night, to say he was leaving, and not to look for him. WHY?! WHY WOULD HE LEAVE ALL OF A SUDDEN? Did you know if anything had happened recently?’’ Nowaki asked frantically, almost desperately.



‘Hey, relax, calm down. I don’t know anything. If anything, I’d have thought you would be the one to know what was going on. Not me.’



Hearing those words, Nowaki’s shoulders immediately slumped down in defeat. He didn’t know who else to ask. Hiro-san never had many friends, just Professor Miyagi and Usami Akihiko, and he had already rang Usami-san on his way to the university, and Usami-san too had no idea what had happened to Hiro-san. Nowaki was out of options, and he did not know what to do. His precious Hiro-san had disappeared from his life, and he had no way of finding him back.



Desolate and depressed, Nowaki proceeded to spend the next few days roaming the streets of Tokyo, going to every place Hiro-san and he had ever visited. The old bookshop that Hiro-san so loved, the family restaurant they used to always eat at, the supermarket near their place. But no matter how hard he looked, how long he searched, his Hiro-san was nowhere to be found.



And so he had thrown himself completely into his work, hoping that it would take his mind off Hiro-san. But he still refused to move out of their apartment, hoping that one day, if he waited long enough, Hiro-san would feel his love and longing and come back to him and their apartment. Till then, all he could do, was to block out the hurt and pain of Hiro-san’s unexpected and sudden departure as well as his renouncement of their love, and bear with the aching emptiness and loneliness of living without his Hiro-san.