Solace

Note: I don’t own Saiyuki, someone else does.

Rating: NC-17 for sex, violence, and language

Genre: Drama, Romance

Pairing: KougaijixYaone

Author: Nagisa-sama

Summary: Kougaiji POV. Can a powerful youkai feel love? Can
he afford to feel love given his own situation? And if he could feel love,
would he know who would be the best person for him?

Solace

Youkai cannot have feelings.

Now who in the hell came up with that
idea?!

Whoever did was an idiot.

And dead wrong. At least in my
case.

Or maybe, they met a youkai who
was incapable of feeling anything due to their own thirst for blood and power?

I guess I was different. I
am a youkai, yes. But I do not thirst for blood or power. These days the things
I do are not by my will, by tby the will of someone else. Yes, my stepmother
known as Gyukoumen Konshu. I can’t do anything on my own without her say so.
Usually I wouldn’t put up with such bullshit, but she holds something over me.
The one person I care for the most in this world.

10.0pt\'>Rasetsunyo. My mother.

10.0pt\'> 

10.0pt\'>She isn’t the only person I care for. She topped the list before my own
comrades. Before these things came above all else.

10.0pt\'> 

10.0pt\'>But things have changed. I didn’t change them on my own, but it just
happened. Now my mother isn’t the only one who fills the top spot of the people
most important to me.

10.0pt\'> 

10.0pt\'>I fell in love.

10.0pt\'> 

10.0pt\'>This, of course, totally fucks up all previous views of youkai. Not to
mention it fucks up my own viewing of myself. The thing is I wasn’t
supposed to fall in love. I was supposed to bend to Gyukoumen’s will, revive my
mother, and then kill Gyukoumen slowly.

But I did. Now everything is
screwed up.

My own logic was to not get too
close to anyone. Not only would Gyukoumen kill them just to make me m mis miserable, but also my own worries that would skyrocket. And they did.

Then again, it makes things easier
because she’s in my main group.

I ry doy don’t know when it
happened. I always liked her, as much as a friend would. She always held a calm
personality, even in the face of danger. And she always had the sweetest smile.

I never liked putting her in
danger. It usually took long arguments to actually convince m sen send her out.
They always ended in disaster. The first time, just due to a gut feeling, I
barely stopped her from killing herself. Another time we were all in a group
when a monster made a surprise attack on her and nearly killed her. I didn’t
know why at the time, but I freaked ove over it. And yet another time when she
went out to investigate a group of demons and never reported back in, I was
insane with worry. But when we found her, safe and sound, I’d never felt so
relieved in my whole life.

I guess that was when I realized
it.

I loved her. The only person I
ever loved was my mother, but this felt so different. This wasn’t the
same as the love I felt for my mother. I really, truly loved her as a woman.

Which is why everything is screwed
up.

Nothing has changed. I’m very good
at shielding my emotions. So no one, not even my little sister, knows how I
feel.

So here we were, trudging od.
d.
We had heard rumors about a sutra in a ruin. Since my bitch of a stepmother
kept demanding sutras, we had to go fetch some.

It was then that she spoke.

“Um, Kougaiji-sama? Doesn’t it
seem a little too quiet out here?”

I stopped in my tracks and
listened. “I hear some things, Yaone. Why do you ask?”

“Well, um, it’s because of the
rumors. They say there’s youkai running around here all wild, attacking both
human and their own kind.”

“She’s right,” said Dokugakuji.
“I’m not hearing much either.”

“Let’s just keep going!!” whined
Lirin. “If they are out here, then we should get the sutras right away!!
Besides, it’s not like they can kill us!!”

I nodded. “Lirin’s right. We won’t
go around picking fights. If any fighting happens, we won’t be the causes of
it. Now let’s go. The ruins shouldn’t be too far now.”

We continued in silence. Every now
and then I would glance behind me to check up on Yaone and Lirin. I had
assigned Yaone as Lirin’s bodyguard as a way to keep them both out of danger.
But since Lirin was overly active, and this mission required their assistance,
it wasn’t any joy job for Yaone.

Not to mention I figured that if I
gave her the job of being Lirin’s bodyguard she would be in the good graces of
Lirin’s mother; my stepmother Gyukoumen. I didn’t know if it was working.

It was then that someone, I don’t
know who, stepped on a twig.

Youkai appeared from all
directions, growling menacingly and wielding weapons. Dokugakuji and I fought
off the ones that immediately came for us. I looked back towards Yaone and
Lirin to see if they were all right.

Yaone was knocking all some of the
youkai with her spear and throwing explosives at them. Lirin just stood there,
looking amused. A youkai appeared behind her, raising its claws. Before I could
act Yaone was running it through with her spear. It fell to the ground dead,
but not before swinging its claws at her and scratching up her arm.

I was ready to fly into a rage
when I saw her blood flow, but Dokugakuji grabbed a hold of me.

“Lirin and Yaone can handle it,”
he told me. “For the time being, concete ote on the youkai coming at you.”

I nodded and slew the youkai
coming at me. Dammit, there were so many of them!! How the hell did they
get so many allies?!

But we needed to find that damn
sutra first.

“You okay, Yaone?” I asked, using
my usual tone with her. I couldn’t look too worried.

Yaone was already bandaging up her
arm. “Yes, Kougaiji-sama. It looks bad, but it’s just a flesh wound.”

I nodded. “Well, let’s go find the
sutra.”

Moments later we came upon the
ruin. It was smaller than I had expected it. “Let’s split up and look around.”

We searched the perimeter and
inside the cubby space called the ruin. The search went on for over an hour,
but the result was clear.

“There’s no sutra here!!!”
exclaimed Lirin. “We were wasting our time!!”

“Surely Gyukoumen-sama knew that
there was no sutra here,” said Yaone. “Why would she let us go through all this
trouble?”

“Because she’s a bitch!!” I
yelled, kicking aside a piece of debris. “We killed a bunch of youkai just to
find an empty ruin!! She’s just toying with us!!”

“Calm down,” said Dokugakuji.
“It’s no use getting worked up over it.”

I sighed. “You’re right. It won’t
make any difference. She’ll just continue to walk all over us.”

“Kougaiji-sama…” I could tell by
the tone of Yaone’s voice that she wanted to comfort me. I’m guessing she
didn’t because she either was afraid that it would make me look weak, or that I
would brush her off. I didn’t care how it would make me look, but knowing she
cared was comfort enough.

Dokugakuji sat down. “What now?”

“We head back and wait for
Gyukoumen’s other orders,” I said dejectedly. I really hated my
stepmother. I was going to savor taking her life…

Then the worst happened. As I
walked past Yaone and Lirin, a youkai made its presence known. With sharpened
claws, it lunged for an attack.

Against Yaone.

“Watch out!!” I yelled. Everything
seemed to happen in slow motion. I grabbed Yaone by her wounded arm and yanked
her towards me. Unfortunately, as I was turning to jump into the air, those
sharp claws raked across my back, tearing my clothes and my flesh.

“Nii-san!!!” cried Lirin, though
it sounded far away.

I was in a lot of pain, but I
turned around and fired a fireball at the youkai. It struck him dead-on,
causing it to fly backwards in a haze of flames.

I felt myself falling, but I
managed to turn myself to avoid landing on Yaone. I landed flat on my back,
worsening my wound, and absorbing Yaone’s weight as she fell with me unscathed.

“Kougaiji-sama!!” she got off me
and tried to check my wound. It didn’t hurt as much as the wounds I had
sustained from Son Goku’s transformation, Seiten Taisen, but it still hurt like
hell. As she checked my wound, I notice the blood running down her arm. I
winced, realizing I had made her wound worse in her arm.

“How deep is the wound?” demanded
Dokugakuji, seating himself next to Yaone.

“I-I-I don’t know!! There’s so
much blood seeping out!!”

Wait, was Yaone panicking? My
wound must be really bad.

“Looks okay to me,” said Lirin.

“But didn’t you see that youkai?!
He had venom in his claws!!”

Venom? Oh shit.

“We have to get him back right
away.” I felt myself be lifted up and hoisted over a shoulder. Dokugakuji’s, no
doubt.

“Yes, I may have the antidote
there!!”

Antidote? Okay, that’s good.

I felt myself drifting in and out
of consciousness all the way back home. The voices around me became nothing
more than a hum in my ears.

Eventually, I did lose
consciousness in a wave of pain.

***

I’m awake.

I think. My head aches like
nothing else. Must be due to the poison.

I hear a humming in my ears again.
It’s growing louder.

Wait, those are voices.

“Are you sure?!” Dokugakuji’s voice.

“I’ve tried all of my antidotes. I
know where a rare healing plant is, and I can go get it now.” Yaone’s voice.

“Well then let’s go get it!!”
Lirin’s voice.

“It’s not that easy. The plant is
located on a steep mountain with a narrow pass. Only one of us can go without
falling.”

“Don’t tell us you’re planning on
going there alone, Yaone?!”

“There’s no other choice,
Dokugakuji-san!! I know what the plant looks like, no one else does!!

“But I wanna go!!”

“Please, trust me. If I go now
with the dragon, I can be back in a few hours.”

“How will you land the dragon?”

“I won’t.”

“Wait…you’re going to jump from
it!!”

“There’s no other way. Try to keep
Kougaiji-sama alive until I get back.”

A life-risking mission just for
me?

I didn’t want Yaone putting her
life at risk for my own sake. But at that current moment I couldn’t move or
talk.

“Just come back safe, okay?”

“I will, Dokugakuji-san.”

I heard footsteps fading. Wait, I
didn’t want her to go!! Come back, Yaone!!

But I couldn’t move.

***

When did I fall asleep?!

More voices around me. I still
can’t decipher my current situation. I think I’m lying on my stomach. And I
think…this is my bed.

“Yaone-chan, you’re back!!” cried
Lirin. “Did you get—hey, what happened to you?!”

What? What happened to Yaone?!

“Some mountain youkai didn’t like
me taking the healing plants. It was rough, but I managed to beat them all.” I
felt relieved when I heard her voice

“Your head is bleeding!!”

“It’s just a gash, Lirin.”
Dokugakuji’s voice. “At the most it’s the worst of her injuries.”

Injuries?! With a plural?!

“Everyone, stand back. I’ve made
the antidote for this. I’ve only made it once before, so I don’t know if I did
it right. Let’s hope I did.”

Suddenly I felt burning across my
whole back. And I mean it hurt more than the actual wound did.

I must’ve made some sort of
respond because Yaone’s voice was speaking to me.

“It’s okay, Kougaiji-sama. I’m
just rubbing in the antidote. It won’t be too long before the venom comes out.”

I didn’t have to wait long. A
burning sensation grasped my throat. I was about to vomit.

“Quickly, get a pail!!” said
Yaone. Seconds later my head was lifted up and my face placed in a pail. Sure
enough, all the venom erupted from me. I didn’t know how I could vomit it up,
but it was coming out.

Then it quickly subsided.

“Eww, is that the venom?” asked
Lirin.

“Yes,” said Yaone. “It’s out of
his system, though the fever stays with his wounds. He should recover within
the next few days.”

Okay, my life is no longer in
danger. Great.

***

I didn’t comprehend the passage of
time within the next few days. All I knew was that I was in a lot of pain, and
I really didn’t know where I was.

I heard voices around me, yes. But
my head was too screwed up to come up with a reaction.

“What has Gyukoumen-sama said?”
asked Yaone.

“What else?” responded Dokugakuji.
“She doesn’t really care.”

“I’m not really surprised.
Kougaiji-sama has a strong will, though. He’ll pull out.”

Like I said, I had no idea when
time passed. But I’m guessing that some time had passed the next time I
became more alert.

“Yaone, it’s been two weeks,” said
Dokugakuji. “Why hasn’t his condition changed?”

“I honestly don’t know,” said
Yaone. “All of the venom is gone from his body. The fever should’ve faded.”

“Maybe some venom is still in,”
said Lirin. “Not enough to kill him, but enough to leave him…like that.”

Yaone sighed. “All right. I’ll go
get some more of the plants.”

“Yaone, no.” Dokugakuji was
commanding. I guessed he took charge of things while I was…out of it. “You’ve
gotten little to no sleep these two weeks. You’ve spent all hours of the night
by Kougaiji’s side. I know what the plant looks like, let me go get it.”

“I…all right. Just be careful,
Dokugakuji-san.”

“I will.” His footsteps faded
away.

“Yaone-chan?” asked Lirin.

“Yes, Lirin-chan?”

“Nii-san will be all right,
right?”

Yaone sighed again. Even in my
state I could hear how tired she was. “Yes, Lirin-chan. I won’t rest until he’s
well.”

I drifted out of it again, but it
gave me great comfort hearing Yaone say that. She really has taken care of me…

I was back up, feeling the burning
in my throat. As usual, I don’t know how much time passed.

“Kougaiji-sama, you have to cough
it up!!” Yaone commanded. I’d never heard Yaone order me around. “I know it’s
hard, but if you don’t get it all out you won’t get better!”

I tried. I really tr I s I seemed
to lack any strength.

I was pulled up from my laying
position. Then someone stuck his or her finger down my throat. Judging from the
bulkiness, I figured it was Dokugakuji.

“You’re choking him!!” cried
Lirin.

“No, I’m not!!” said Dokugakuji.
“I’m making him vomit!! With the antidote in his system, the venom should come
up with his stomach acids.”

“C’mon, Kougaiji-sama,” pleaded
Yaone.

That finger wasn’t exactly helping
me to breathe. I choked and gargled, finally feeling something come out. When
it did, I was pretty sure it got all over Dokugakuji.

“Wash!!!” commanded Yaone.
“Lirin-chan, help me lay him down. No, not on his back!!”

I sighed heavily. This was too
rough.

“There, it’s all gone,” said
Yaone. I felt a hand stroking my hair. “It’s up to you now, Kougaiji-sama. We
need you to pull out of this alive.”

***

When I was alert again, the voices
were softer. And I noticed how cold I was.

“The fever isn’t going down,” said
Dokugakuji.

“But it’s not rising any higher,”
said Yaone.

“Yaone, something has to be
done. His body will give at this rate.”

“Not Kougaiji-sama. He wouldn’t
die like this.”

“Yaone…”

Silence followed this.

“This is all your fault,” said
Lirin.

“What?” said Yaone.

“If you had actually been paying
attention, Nii-san wouldn’t have had to save you and he wouldn’t be dying!!”

p;

“Lirin, shut it!!” said
Dokugakuji. “There’s no use placing blame. What’s important right now is saving
Kougaiji.”

“I’ll keep trying. I still have
some healing serums I can give him.”

“Do that. I’ll go report.”

“I’m going to bed,” said Lirin.
They both left.

Leaving me alone with Yaone.

My mind was still in a haze, but I
heard...something like sobbing.

“Kougaiji-sama, I know not what
else to do.” I felt her presence next to me. “It’s been a month and you lay
here unwell. Lirin-chan’s right this is all my fault.”

Why was she blaming herself? I
protected her of my own free will.

I felt a vial come to my lips.
“Drink this. This should help you.”

Drink? I felt the liquid enter my
mouth, but I couldn’t quite swallow it. I vaguely felt some dribble down my
chin.

&nb![en![endif]>

“Forgive me, Kougaiji-sama.” Eh?

Before I knew what was happening,
Yaone had her lips pressed to mine. Either that, or I was dreaming. Her tongue
forced its way inside my mouth. Yes, I’m dreaming.

Wait, the serum was going down my
throat. Oh, she was kissing my to force feed the serum. Great.

I think I slipped out of it then
too. When I became more alert I wasn’t cold anymore. Someone was lying with me.
I could tell it was a woman. I forced my eyes open and saw purple.

Yaone?! I would’ve been startled
if I wasn’t sick.

Yes, it was Yaone. Lying with me
to keep me warm, I guess.

Not that I minded.

My vision was a haze, but my
senses were keen. My sense of smell, in particular. My nose was practically
buried in her scalp. I could smell fresh flowers in her scalp. It caused
shivers to go through me, but I didn’t care. She was right here, lying with me…

“Yaone?!” Dokugakuji.

Then she wasn’t.

“His skin was icy,” explained
Yaone, sounding embarrassed. “I kept giving him blankets, but the chill
wouldn’t go away.”

Dokugakuji didn’t respond.

“Oh, and his fever is going down.”

They talked more, but I heard none
of it. I was drifting out of it again…

***

I woke up. For real.

I blinked several times as I
looked at my surroundings. This was my room. And I was lying on my back.

I sat up, noting how I felt no
pain. Not even a headache.

“Awake, finally?”

I turned my head, half-expecting
to see Yaone.

Dokugakuji was there.

“Yes,” I said, not trying to hide
my disappointment.

Dokugakuji raised an eyebrow.
“Yaone collapsed from exhaustion a half hour ago. Lirin’s with her to make sure
she gets some sleep.”

I nodded, feeling embarrassed. “Of
course.”

“Kougaiji, I’m not stupid. I know
what you feel for Yaone.”

I felt my cheeks burn and
Dokugakuji raised both eyebrows. I’m sure it confirmed his suspicions because
I’ve never blushed before. “Well, I can understand your feelings. She’s been
staying by your side for the past month, trying to keep you alive.”

“…I heard some things you guys
said, but I couldn’t respond to them.”

“Yaone says that was caused by the
fever. You were aware of what was going on, but the delirium prevented you from
telling time and making a reaction.”

“Has a month really gone by? It
doesn’t feel that long.”

“Feels like a whole year to us.
Probably eons to Yaone.”

I nodded and tried standing up.
Dokugakuji came to my side. “Hey, you shouldn’t be moving around!!”

“I feel fine, Doku. I just want to
walk around and see Lirin and Yaone.”

“All right, all right. Just take
it easy.”

***

Okay, I know I said I felt fine.
But since I had been lying down for a month my legs felt like rubber. I was
glad Dokugakuji was with me, even if a little of my pride suffered for it.

“Here we are,” he announced,
opening the door to Yaone’s room. To be honest, I’ve never been in there. Sure,
I’ve past her room on a number of occasions, but I never had the courage to go
inside. Even when calling her for missions.

Lirin stood right up as we entered
the room. Her eyes lit up when she saw me. “Nii-san!!!!!!!”

I braced myself as she jumped on
me and hugged me tightly. Okay, this was hurting me.

“Lirin, calm down,” said
Dokugakuji, prying her off of me. “He just woke up.”

“Aw, I wish I’d been there for
it!! Yaone-chan fell right asleep though!!”

“That’s because Yaone’s spent the
last month taking care of your brother and not herself. We should let her sleep
for a while.”

“Oh, all right!!! I’m hungry!!!”
count on Lirin to change the subject.

“I’m going to take Lirin somewhere
to eat,” said Dokugakuji. “Want to come, Kougaiji?”

“You two go on ahead,” I told him.
“I’ll catch up.”

Dokugakuji smirked knowingly.
“Fine with me. Let’s go, Lirin.”

“Okay!!!” then they were gone.

I sighed softly, inhaling the
intoxicating smell of herbs and potions that consumed the room. Bottle after
bottle and plant after plant were crowded on Yaone’s tiny shelf. I made best to
make a mental note to get her a bigger shelf.

Then I looked at Yaone.

Her hair was still done up in the
two pigtails, though both looked messy. She looked a lot thinner than the last
time I saw her, though she was always a slim person. Her face was unnaturally
pale and dark splotches marred the areas underneath her eyes. Dokugakuji was
right; she hadn’t slept at all this past month.

I knelt beside her bed, brushing
her bangs out of her face. I knew my love for her grew even more by seeing her
like this. Not once did she give up on me. And not once did she take a break
until her body said enough and shut down. Never had I ever seen so much
devotion in the many years of my life.

I leaned down and pressed a kiss
to her forehead. I took her as my subordinate, using the excuse of ‘a life for
a life’ so she would work for me. She definitely paid up her debt to me. Not
that I was going to let her go so easily.

I wanted to kiss her lips, but she
stirred under my last kiss. She deserved the sleep and I didn’t want to disturb
it. So I stopped myself.

“Thank you,” I whispered, brushing
more strands out of her face. “Thank you so much.”

I didn’t want to go, but I didn’t
want to keep Dokugakuji and Lirin waiting. So I left her room, gently closing
her door after me.

***

Yaone was asleep for three days.
Even if it seemed long, it was fine. Not too many humans or youkai survived the
same treatment Yaone put herself through. At the most, they would be asleep for
weeks. Yaone was just three days.

It seemed like a long wait for me.
Gyukoumen had no missions for us (and if she did…), so we were stuck waiting
for her to wake up.

Unfortunately for me, as the case
with Yaone, I wasn’t there when she woke up. Gyukoumen called me to her. Not to
give me a mission, but to rant about how much she wanted to take over the world
and how I had to help her. I’d heard the lecture millions of time, and
each time I didn’t pretend that I gave a shit. Then again, my mother’s freedom
was on the line so I couldn’t outright insult Gyukoumen.

I left that room, feeling annoyed
and angrier. I knew that Gyukoumen wasn’t obligated to keep her end of the
bargain. What she didn’t realize was that if she didn’t keep her end of
the bargain; the way of death I had planned for her would have some additions.
Like tearing her limb from limb.

So I walked back to my comrades
and I saw Yaone. Not only was she awake, she was standing up and talking. The
bags were gone from underneath her eyes and she didn’ok aok as pale as before.
She was still thin, though.

Lirin was the first to spot me.
“Nii-san!!!! Yaone-chan is awake!!”

Yaone turned around and stared at
me. “Kougaiji-sama.”

I managed a small smile. “I see
you’re awake, Yaone.”

She nodded. “I’m sorry I wasn’t
awake for your wakening.”

“It’s fine.”

Silence followed this. She shifted
a little under my scrutiny. I didn’t know if she felt uncomfortable or
embarrassed.

Thankfully, Dokugakuji broke the
silence. “Hey, since everyone’s feeling better let’s go out to eat!!”

“Where?” I asked, knowing what the
locals thought of youkai.

“I don’t know!! Let’s find
something!!”

***

We >We spent three hours finding a
restaurant, but it was worth it. Lirin was forcing Yaone to eat something, and
she hesitantly complied. It was a lot of fun.

It reminded me of something. I had
come very close to dying. I would’ve died without telling Yaone how I felt. I
didn’t know if I wanted to make that mistake again.

“Yaone, could you stop by my room
before you head to bed?” I asked. “I want to make sure my bandages are all
right.”

Yaone gave me a confused look
before nodding. “All right, Kougaiji-sama.”

Dokugakuji gave me a smirk, as if
detecting my ulterior motives. Not that my intended ulterior motives were bad
or anything.

So later that night, I waited for
Yaone to show up. I wore no shirt so she wouldn’t have to take it off to see my
wounds. I wasn’t naked; mind you I still wore pants. I stared out my window as
the sky became darker with night.

“Kougaiji-sama.”

I turned around and my breath
caught in my throat. Yaone was standing there, yes. But she was not wearing her
usual attire. Her long hair was tied in a loose braid. She wore a cream-colored
nightgown, probably unbeknownst to her, was slightly transparent. I could see
every curve of her body and it caused me to shudder with longing.

“I’m sorry I’m late. It slipped my
mind and I was about to sleep when I remembered.” She walked further into the
room, candlelight revealing her slims legs beneath her nightgown. Seeing her
like this was shameful, yet I couldn’t deny what I felt for her.

I tried to be patient as she
examined my wounds. She wore a calm aura about her, but she seemed very timid.
As if afraid to touch me at this point.

“Your back is nearly healed,” she
told me. “Have you felt any pains?”

“None,” was all I said.

Yaone stood up and came around to
face me. “That’s good, Kougaiji-sama. You will truly heal completely within the
next few days.”

Her actions were very innocent,
but they left a profound effect on me. She was close enough for me to smell
fresh flowers. Her smell. I knew I couldn’t let her leave tonight.