Giving In

Disclaimer: Let’s see…what do I own? Computer? Yes. Story? Yes. Saiyuki characters? Nope. Song “Giving In”? Nope. I think that about covers it. So, now that you know, please don’t sue.


“Giving In”
Yoru


~Will you, walk me,
To the edge again?~


He sighed and exhaled, watching the smoke swirl lazily above his head and out into the cold, rainy night. The glowing ember was a stark contrast to the darkness that permeated the room but even starker to the darkness that he held within. He had vowed not to let this happen again, and yet one look was all it took to send his mind to the brink and back. He was a monk for Buddha’s sake, one sworn to many oaths both sacred to his position and his own personal promises.

He was almost certain that anyone who heard such things from him about sacred vows and such would laugh their asses off. They all thought he was corrupt and unworthy of the title, and he knew it. And perhaps they were right. He wasn’t as devout as he should be, cursing the Three Buddhas and their damn journey constantly. And let’s not forget the many death threats and blood that stained his hands.

Yet, he couldn’t give a damn. He had come to realize that none of it mattered. Well, so much for vows. What really mattered to him was enveloped in emerald eyes and chestnut hair, a soft smile and silky caresses. And all of it was directed toward him, but he couldn’t understand why. He had done nothing to deserve the gentle kisses, contented sighs, and strong arms embracing him tight.


~Shaking, lonely, and I am drinking again
Woke up tonight and no one’s here with me~


He took a final drag and tossed the spent cigarette out the window into the downpour. He glanced over to the table, noting the newspaper, his silver gun, and a half-empty bottle of sake. He left the windowsill and sat in the wooden chair before the table. His hands shook slightly as he poured himself another cup of the liquor, downing it in one gulp, grimacing at the burn it left in its wake. He picked up his gun in calmer hands and studied it dispassionately. One pull of the trigger… He knew it was loaded, having loaded it just recently. He never missed, and it would be an easy shot.

His eyes traveled over to the bed, the white sheets in a clumsy disarray, pillows knocked to the floor in a frantic attempt for skin-on-skin contact. Soft moans and teasing whispers, and a deliciously hot friction. But the bed was empty now just as it should be. He didn’t deserve the warmth such nights brought to him, didn’t deserve the contentment such activities left him with.

He ached all over, the most acute ache centered in the left side of his chest. Sometimes, he forgot that the organ was even there. He had never paid much attention to it before, not since that fateful night so long ago. Now, it was making itself known again full force, threatening to break him, as if attempting to make up for all the years of disuse. It beat out the rhythm of a certain name, mocking him.


~I’m giving in to you~


He knew he was lost, had been for some time now. Somehow, through it all, he had found a path. It was a path that led westward, but there was something much more to it. In the setting of the sun lay his destiny in a figure of long, slender limbs and slightly tanned skin, the one of soft voice and even softer hands.

Somehow he knew ouldould be a lost cause to fight it. He had fallen and fallen hard. And he cursed himself for it. It wasn’t supposed to happen and least of all like this. It was supposed to be a simple journey to the west, take care of Gyumaou and his people, then head back. But somewhere along the lines, his heart had started beating again, pumping out certain syllables almost painfully.

He thought he had shut that part of himself up a long time ago. He had not been affected since that night, but now was a different story. Some part of himself longed for the warmth he knew could be his, but another part whispered betrayal and pain into his soul, tainting the very warmth he had been given. Sometimes he wanted to rip the vile organ from his chest, if only to end the torment that was slowly threatening his sanity.


~Take me under
I’m giving in to you
I’m dying tonight
I’m giving into you
Watch me crumble
I’m giving in to you
I’m crying tonight
I’m giving in to you~


He heard the door softly creak open, and his hand involuntarily clenched his gun, ready to aim, though he already knew who it was. The ki was gentle with an underlying strength. Cho Hakkai was not someone to be taken lightly.

“Daijoubou desuka, Sanzo?” came the gentle inquiry and to think that such gentleness could be directed toward him of all people.

Yet there was something in his tone that suggested he wasn’t too concerned with receiving a verbal answer. He was almost sure that Hakkai could tell his mood just be looking at him. It was eerie how well Hakkai could read him sometimes.

Sanzo loosened his grip on his gun, gently shoving it aside. He lifted the bottle of sake and offered it to Hakkai. Hakkai was the only one he would ever do such a thing for, the only he would show such favor to. He knew that Hakkai had him in his grip, and Sanzo wasn’t even sure if he wanted to escape anymore. Another mental curse. How he wanted to kick his own ass for such behavior, for displaying such vulnerability.

Yet, he was already vulnerable to Hakkai and perhaps had been from the very start. For the pain in Hakkai’s emerald eyes mirrored the pain in his own amethyst ones. And they both hid it so well. It was a deep, dark connection that they shared. And Sanzo, despite himself and his inner conflicts, knew that he could seek solace from that pain in Hakkai’s arms, and Hakkai would let him, and he would let Hakkai. It was as simple as that, but it didn‘t mean he had to like it.


~Caught up, in life,
Losing all my friends~


Sanzo had already lost so much, suffered many losses. Now, he was losing again. This time it was different. This time it was himself. And all to understanding green eyes, a kind (true) smile, and a soft caress of skin against skin.

Sanzo watched from corncorner of his eye as Hakkai’s slender hands wrapped around the bottle and tilted it toward the awaiting cup, gently splashing some of its contents into the cup. One thing about Hakkai that had surprised the hell out of Sanzo was the fact that no matter how much sake Hakkai drank, he never once got drunk. He could drink a few bottles in a row, if not more, and be just as balanced and in control of himself as if he had just drank water or tea.

Then, the blonde stood and walked toward the window. The rain was relentless, a steady stream of clear liquid from the sky, pounding the terrain in unforgiving caresses. Sanzo hated the rain. That was another thing he and Hakkai shared, a deep disturbance of the rain. He wasn’t sure if Hakkai loathed the rain as he did, but it brought pain to his green eyes whenever it fell. It was as if the rain reminded Hakkai of how he had fallen, how some part of himself was lost as Kanan had been.

Sanzo understood and sympathized, though he would never openly admit to it. Sympathy wasn’t his thing, but then again a lot of things weren’t his thing. However, with Hi, hi, he couldn’t help but feel such things, as if the other’s very presence simply demanded it of him.


~Family has tried, to heal all my addictions
Tragic it seems, to be alone again~


Genjo Sanzo had a great many bad habits. He swore profusely, drank just as much, shot his gun a few times too many, suppressed his emotions, shied from physical contact, among others. But one thing Genjo Sanzo never did was lie. Maybe he skipped around the truth y noy now and again and hid just as much, but outright lying was not on his repertoire. Even to himself.

So many things isolated him from others, most of all himself. He didn’t like being touched or ogled, so he developed an icy, often violent, demeanor to keep such focus from himself. He avoided drawing attention to himself at all costs even if it meant hurting someone else. But he knew others, men and women alike, found him easy on the eyes. So death glares and threats abounded to keep them from him.

Only one person had ever been allowed the privilege of touching him, intimately even, and he was long gone. Now, that as well as other things, had changed. Sanzo reveled in Hakkai’s touches, his glances, everything that Hakkai did. Outwardly one may never guess such things, but on the inside, behind his façade, Sanzo savored every kiss and caress, every gentle word and glance. Simply stated: Sanzo worshipped Hakkai.


~I’m giving in to you~


Sanzo sighed inaudibly, glancing down at the unlit cigarette in between his index and middle fingers. After careful deliberation, he tossed the cigarette to the side and resumed his study of the elements outside. The rain wasn’t planning on letting up any time soon as the forecast called for continual rainfall for at least three days.

Three days…

That meant three days alone with his thoughts, three days of sharing a room with Hakkai, the object of his desire, three days of…well, three days of who knew what.

Said object of Sanzo’s desire was still seated at the table, the cup of sake lifted thoughtfully to his lips as he studied the blonde monk’s backside appreciatively. He knew the other was tense and that the rain wasn’t helping in the least bit. He could almost feel the tension radiating from him in waves and see the knots in his back and shoulders. He stood suddenly and went to comfort the man he had fallen so helplessly in love with.


~Take me under
I’m giving in to you
I’m dying tonight
I’m giving into you
Watch me crumble
I’m giving in to you
I’m crying tonight
I’m giving in to you~


Sanzo gasped then sighed, his composure cracking, as he felt Hakkai’s gentle hands caress and start to massage his aching shoulders, relieving the tense muscles. His muscles went lax under Hakkai’s adroit hands, and he shivered as Hakkai’s hands ventured lower down his back, kneading and smoothing the muscles. He arched his back, leaning into Hakkai’s touch, loving the feeling of his hands on his body but wanting--needing--much more.

Hakkai kneaded the strong muscles through the blonde’s tight black tank. He smiled to himself as Sanzoght ght a losing battle before finally sighing and giving in to Hakkai’s touches. Hakkai’s hands delved lower, past the tie at Sanzo’s waist, and found the hem of the tank. With a gentle pull, he walked the material up Sanzo’s back, revealing succulent alabaster flesh to his appraising eyes.

In one swift motion, Hakkai pulled the material over Sanzo’s head and tossed it to the side, replacing his hands with his mouth as he suckled the pale skin offered before him. He felt the tremors run through the monk as his mouth and tongue teased and caressed the willing flesh before him.

Hakkai trailed his hands up the expanse of Sanzo’s back, drawing lovely sighs and moans from the usually monotone monk. He followed his hands with his mouth up to one silky shoulder where he bit down, eliciting a surprised gasp from that sensuous mouth and leaving his mark on the blonde at the same time. He ran his hands up and down Sanzo’s arms, stroking the cloth-covered appendages lightly, his hands soon slipping beneath the black material and peeling it down Sanzo’s arms, revealing more supple skin.


~I look forward, to dying tonight
Drinks ‘till I’m myself, life’s harder everyday
The stress has got me
I’m giving in, giving in, giving in, NOW!~


Sanzo’s lips twitched, upturning in the vaguest of smiles as he watched Hakkai entwine his fingers with his. Sa. Sanzo marveled over the contrast of their skin. A soft, sun-kissed golden with a pale, moon-graced ivory. Sanzo loved Hakkai’s skin.

Sanzo turned in Hakkai’s grip, his hands cupping Hakkai’s loving face, violet to emerald, bro brought their lips together. The kiss began as a gentle caress of skin upon skin, soon escalating to a clash of lips and tongues as each fought for dominance. Sanzo slid his arms over Hakkai’s shoulders, grasping his neck to draw him closer, seeking more contact. He titled his head to the side a bit, deepening the kiss and drawing sweet moans from Hakkai’s throat.

Hakkai slid his hands dohe nhe naked expanse of Sanzo’s torso before resting his hands on the blonde’s narrow hips. His hands soon snuck to the ties holding the monk’s robes closed, and the garment whispered to the floor. Keeping Sanzo’s mouth occupied with his own as well as his questing tongue, Hakkai’s fingers found the waistband of Sanzo’s pants and pushed them down his hips where they pooled at his feet. Now Sanzo was in all his natural glory for Hakkai to taste and worship as he pleased.


~Take me under
(I’m killing all the pain)
I’m dying tonight
(I’m killing all the pain)
Watch me crumble
(I’m killing all the pain)
I’m crying tonight~


Sanzo groaned into Hakkai’s mouth as the cool air of the room whispered over his burning erection. The material of Hakkai’s pants brushed against his member, creating a painfully delicious friction. Sanzo moaned again, his tongue battling with Hakkai’s in his mouth.

Sanzo broke the kiss, panting as the oxygen rushed back into his lungs. He stared deep into Hakkai’s emerald gems, noting that they had darkened to a forest hue with passion and something much deeper than that. Holding Hakkai’s gaze, he brought Hakkai’s right hand to his mouth and suckled on the index finger. If Hakkai hadn’t been hard before, he now steel-spike hard, his erection bulging uncomfortably against the confines of his pants.

Sanzo leisurely suckled the digit, swirling his tongue over the tip before taking it back in his mouth to the knuckle, giving Hakkai all sorts of images as to what else Sanzo could do with that exquisite mouth of his. Sanzo desire-laden eyes slid closed as he pulled away from Hakkai’s finger, Hakkai stifling a whimper at the loss of contact.

Sanzo glanced down between them, noted the bulge in Hakkai’s pants, and said in a deadpan tone, “You’re wearing too many clothes.”

Hakkai blinked at him for a second before watching as if in a daze as Sanzo’s hands traveled the length of his torso, coming to the hem of his nightshirt. He slid his hands beneath the fabric and proceeded to pull the material over Hakkai’s head, his hands never leaving the expanse of abdomen and chest. Hakkai flung the shirt to the other side of the room as Sanzo went for his pants. He deftly undid the buttons and unzipped the fly, his eyes darkening to a lovely shade of plum as he took in all of Hakkai.


~I’m giving in to you
Take me under
I’m giving in to you
I’m dying tonight
I’m giving in to you
Watch me crumble
I’m giving in to you
I’m crying tonight~


Hakkai shivered as Sanzo’s lusty eyes roved his form as the blonde pushed Hakkai’s pants past his hips. When they pooled at his feet, his kicked them aside, visibly swallowing when Sanzo’s gaze returned to his and the monk ran his tongue slowly over his lips. Hakkai thought he would come right then, so hot and intense was that gaze.

Sanzo leaned forward and pressed an open-mouth kiss to Hakkai’s throat, his lips and tongue traveling down the gracefully curved neck to nibble on his collarbone. Delving lower, he traced the muscles of Hakkai’s chest before claiming a nipple in his mouth. He laved his thoroughly, nipping just enough to leave the bud swollen and slightly red, before lavishing the other with the same attention.

His mouth inched further downward, tongue sweeping out to caress the lines of muscle that defined Hakkai’s abdomen, stopping when he came to the scar that served as a reminder of Hakkai’s former life as Cho Gonou. Sanzo stared at the scar for a long time, making Hakkai uncomfortable and suddenly self-conscious. He moved his hands to cover the scar when Sanzo leaned forward and gently kissed the center of it. Hakkai sighed when Sanzo’s tongue darted out to tease the scar tissue in an almost loving manner.

Seeing as how the scar had had its proper share of attention, Sanzo traveled lower, dipping his tongue into Hakkai’s navel, drawing a lovely moan from that sweet mouth. Sanzo nuzzled his face in the soft, chestnut curls at the base of Hakkai’s erection before kissing a trail down the length of his shaft. He felt Hakkai’s fingers twine in his hair as he moved to place a kiss on the tip before taking all of Hakkai into his mouth.

His tongue swirled over the harden flesh as he grazed the underside with his teeth, eliciting a hiss from the man above him. The fingers in his hair tighteneiggiigging into his scalp as Hakkai tried to hold the monk’s head in place so he could thrust into that heated cavern. Sanzo stilled Hakkai’s hips with his hands, his mouth never ceasing its ministrations as he drove Hakkai to the brink. A few more strokes and grazings of teeth later, Hakkai spilled his seed into Sanzo’s mouth, the blonde greedily devouring it. He released Hakkai with a soft smack of lips and let his gaze roam upward over Hakkai’s trembling chest to his flushed face to his eyes that met Sanzo’s, the green orbs shining with something Sanzo couldn’t quite identify.

Hakkai gently pulled him up into a searing kiss, and Sanzo began to walk them over to the bed. Hakkai fell backwards onto the soft surface when his knees hit the edge of the mattress, Sanzo landing atop him never once breaking contact from the other’s mouth.


~I’m giving in to you
Take me under
I’m giving in to you
I’m dying tonight giv giving in to you~


Sanzo broke the kiss a moment later to regain his breath, his eyes locking onto Hakkai’s once more. The youkai smiled at him so serenely and so genuinely that Sanzo just had to kiss him again. If only Hakkai smiled that way more often!

This time it was Hakkai who broke the kiss to stare imploringly into Sanzo’s eyes. Sanzo reached over to the bedside table and yanked open the drawer, fumbling inside, an adorably thoughtful expression on his face, before withdrawing his hand. He held a tube of scented oil and quickly snapped the top off, a warm aroma of cinnamon wafting through the air.

He coated his fingers liberally, and locking Hakkai’s mouth in an apologetic kiss, he inserted an oil-slicked finger to stretch. Hakkai gasped into Sanzo’s mouth, and the monk swallowed it as their tongues battled. They usually alternated between who performed which role, but even still, Hakkai could feel the burn as Sanzo inserted two more fingers to join the first. Then, Sanzo hit his prostate, and he arched off the bed, driving the fingers deeper in, breaking their kiss as a loud moan was torn from his throat.

Once Sanzo was satisfied that Hakkai was well-prepared, he coated his throbbing erection with the oil and positioned himself at Hakkai’s entrance. Hakkai’s long legs wrapped loosely about his waist as their eyes met and Sanzo inched inside.

Sanzo leaned forward for a kiss as he paused so Hakkai could get used to the intrusion. A small nod from Hakkai, and the monk set his pace, thrusting slowly into and out of that consuming heat. Hakkai’s legs tightened around his waist, the youkai arching and meeting his thrusts, desperate for a faster pace. Sanzo gladly obliged, and soon the springs were squeaking like crazy as Sanzo pounded faster and faster into the inferno that was Cho Hakkai.

Wrapping a slick hand around Hakkai’s neglected erection, Sanzo pumped him in time with his thrusts. Hakkai was moaning his name, and he found, much to his surprise, that he was moaning Hakkai’s name in return.

When they had first began having sex, it had been casual. Most often it would happen on rainy nights such as these, each seeking comfort and reprieve from their pasts. Each wanting a warm body to hold, even if the one they were holding wasn’t whom they wished for. Then somewhere along the way, it had become so much more to Sanzo. Hakkai had crept stealthily beneath his skin, burrowing himself a nice little home in Sanzo’s icy heart.

Sanzo knew that the ice around his heart melted a little more as he spent more and more time with Hakkai. Each glance, smile, caress, and gentle word served as flames to rekindle his dormant feelings. He knew that his barriers had fallen, that Hakkai was now more deeply inside of him than anyone--including the only other before Hakkai--had been.

One final hard jerk of Sanzo’s hand, and Hakkai sobbed as his seed spilled over Sanzo’s hand onto his chest and Hakkai’s own. Hakkai’s inner muscles clamped hard onto Sanzo’s erection, and with a throaty groan of Hakkai’s name, he came inside the beautiful youkai.

Sanzo collapsed atop said youkai who wrapped his arms about the fair blonde, pulling him close, pausing when Sanzo shifted so he could withdraw from Hakkai. The monk rolled to his side, off of Hakkai, but his arms never left the brunette, drawing the latter onto his side, facing Sanzo.

Hakkai pulled the sheet over them as they lay wrapped in each other’s arms, their legs loosely twined together. Hakkai ran a hand through Sanzo’s soft, golden tresses, another smile gracing his lips as Sanzo sighed.

Sanzo brought his intense amethyst gaze back to Hakkai’s own emerald one and lifted a hand to trace the strong yet smooth contours of Hakkai’s face, reveling over the softness of the youkai’s skin. Sanzo leaned in for ano kis kiss, this one more tender but just as passion-filled as before.

When he pulled back, a contented smile upturned the corners of Hakkai’s mouth as his eyes slid shut in his exhaustion. Sanzo watched him for a bit longer, memorizing every curve and slope of Hakkai’s face. It was at that very moment that Sanzo realized he had given in completely and totally to this beauty nestled in his arms and that he would never have it any other way.


~Owari~

A/N: The song, “Giving In,” belongs solely to the great band, Adema. Kami, how I wish I could have written something like that! But, yeah, anyway… Hopefully, Sanzo doesn’t seem too OOC. ^.^; I tried to keep him as in character as possible, considering the fact that Sanzo is finally expressing other, deeper emotions. Anyhoo, thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed it! ^.^