Regret

Disclaimer: I still don't own Trigun, dammit. Actually, Naito-sama probably did better than I ever could, so I shouldn't gripe. Oh yeah, and I'm not getting paid for this, either, dammit.

A/N: I have no idea where this came from. It just vomited itself up from the bowels of my muse. My apologies, and please enjoy.

 

Tongari-

All I want to do is run to you. Hold you in my arms. Press your body to mine. But I can't. Because going after you weakens my already crumbling will. And if I finally admit to myself that I need you that badly, if I admit to myself that I love you, then I will be as weak as the rest of them. I adore you, Vash. And I lust after you, as well. But... I can never be who you want me to be. I can never be what you need. And if you make me try, I will only end up hurting you. Possibly even destroying you. And if I did that...I could never forgive myself. Yes, you may leave a path of destruction in your wake, but you rebuild people. I've seen it. Frank Marlon, Grandma Sheryl, Lina. You left those people more whole than when you met them. Believe me, I know. But I don't think you could put me back together again. I'm far too broken. So, if you need to leave, then go. Just walk away. The pain will lessen with time, and you've got all the time in the world. You're beautiful, Tongari. And I don't want the destruction of something so beautiful to rest on my shoulders. My sins are heavy enough. You know, it's funny. For the longest time, I thought that you didn't kill out of some sentimental weakness. But now I know that it was a monumental strength that stayed your hand. For the longest time, I resented that strength. I almost hated you for it, because it made me feel inferior, unworthy of whatever it was that drew you to me on those long nights on the road. But it was okay with me, because I knew that you could use me for whatever end you had in mind, and that was what I was there for. I knew in my heart I'd do anything for you. I BROKE MY MOST SACRED VOW FOR YOU. As long as I could deny your feelings, everything was fine. Because I couldn't destroy you if you didn't love me back. I was just a tool again. And even in your gentleness, I felt that the undercurrent was pure lust. There was a part of me that begged for you to hurt me, to give me the satisfaction of being right. And there were times when you came close. I wanted you to be angry with me, Vash. I wanted you to hate me because I had the audacity to think I *might* be worthy of your love. I am a murderer, a liar, and a cheat. And you would say that I am also a good man. But I can't see that. I'm not worthy of you. Any part of you, really. And I care about you too much to drag you down to my level. So really, if your intention is to truly leave, then go. There are plenty more people out there who are better for you than I could ever be. But... if you do come back, I'll be waiting. I do love you, after all, whether I want to or not. -- NDW