Never More

Never More

Chapter 1


I realize that they worried about me. I hadn't shown myself in several days ever since our group expidition down to Athens to attend a festival. I still recall the loud murmers of the crowds as we split off all agreeing to have dinner with each other at a local resturant. I still remember pushing my way through some crowds to get to a certian junk food vender. The sweets were freashly baked and I wanted to stock up on what I could before having to return to Santuary. It was rare to be able to enter the city so you had to take what ever oppratunity you got. Camus had decided to tag along with me, hanging close and appologizing when he was pushed into me. I only laughed and threw an arm around his shoulders telling him to relax and bought him some sugared treats. To be honest I wouldn't have pegged him to one liking cinnamin and sugar coated pasteries, but when I found out I felt a bit closer to him. It was around the time when we where watching the paraid of dancers and jugglers pass by when I saw him. He was in the crowds laughing with some woman. I felt my stomach churn and I just had to leave. Turning on the ball of my foot I quickly strode off into the crowd leaving my friend behind. I vegly recall hearing him call out to me and his fingers brushing agianst my sleeve being just out of rea
I
I had returned to my temple, quickly stowing away into my living quarters and I had been here, in my small home rarely leaving my room. The garden out side my bedroom window casted eery shadows that I watched creep across the carpet. Night had set in, the chilling cold of the early winter drifted in from my open window. Snow had drifted inside creating a small bank next to the windowsill. I noted that Halloween would be soon, the one holiday that I actually enjoyed. Resting my head against the wall I sighed, content with the silence and being alone, it was wounderful. There was a time when I could never have such a thing...

A loud knock caused my heart to jump into my throat. Looking over at my door I felt my breath stick in my chest. I didn't have to open it, nor did I have to hear his voice, I knew it was him. He always came to check on me if ever I acted strangly. I remained quiet as his voice traveled to my ears.

"Milo... Have you eaten?" That was the first question he would always ask me if he was worried. I mean, if he was really worried not just some kind of facile thing that most people show me.

I covered my ears and curled up tight on my bed, tucking my cold toes into the chilled sheets. I didn't want to hear him, he always made my head feel funny when he spoke words of consern. I didn't understand! Why did he have to care for me? Why couldn't he just be like everyone else and not care?!

"Milo."

"Go away Camus!" I shouted trying to supress the unknown urge in my body. To be honest I never knew what it was, it was a strange feeling that I only got with him. And I was afraid... afraid that I might do something bad or stupid.

"Milo," I heard him closer and the door slamming shut behind him. I could feel his eyes narrowed down on me, wishing for an explination for my wrecked state. I only loosened up but kept my hands over my ears.

Flopping onto my side I decided to get my point across, "Listen Camus I don't want to talk right now, so get lost."

"Unfortunatly for you I learned how to be stuborn when need be," he picked scooped up the small snow bank by my window and tossed the snow out side. Closing the window he locked it preventing the wind to come to comfort me. I frowned as he adjusted the thermistat, it already felt too hot. He remained still for a moment, his back to me. "Why did... you leave the autom festival?"

I moved my hands from my ears knowing it was pointless to fight him. Moving them in front of my vision I looked at the palms that I hated so much, "Didn't want to stay any longer."

"But you knew I had wished to spend the day with you."

I remained quiet as I heard his clothing shift as he moved closer. When his fingers touched my barouldoulder something sparked sending a fear through my body. Swatting his hands away shouting out, "Don't touch me!" With a quick retreat to the corner of my bed I took several calming breaths once in the shadows that casted over half of my matress. "Just... don't touch me."

"Milo..." he looked at me with those eyes that confused me. He lowered himself down so that we where at eye level, with a small, sad, smile he gave a rather simple order that I found that I could never deniy him, "Please... tell me."

I knew I wouldn't make sense when I started to talk, but knowing Camus he would figure it out in no time flat. That's what I get for having intellegent friends. It was hard to keep a secret, as well as to keep to yourself.

"They couldn't see me no matter how much I tried to make myself noticable," I kept in my corner as he watched me. Those eyes trying to search for truth, for a way of understanding. "Bastards... all of them where bastards. I know it is wrong of me to say such words but it's true, none of them cared. All of them, right down to the smallest where like demons with masks. Always trying to get their way, always clawing and pawing away at the flesh of my sanity. I couldn't take it anymore, so I left."

His hand reached out to me but stopped short when I shrunk back on my bedding, farther into the darkness of the shadowy night. He pulled back his hand as the moonlight poured in through the window, the blossoms from the trees outside casting scattered silouhettes as they blew on the wind. His eyes, normally so hard where soft and tender. It made me wounder, it made me confused. Why would someone look at me like that?

"How many where there?" his voice soothed my nerves.

"...Seven... Nine if you count the half brothers."

"How many hurt you?"

"......."

"Who hurt you?" he brought his face into the moonlight as I gritted my teeth trying to supress the urge to lash out, to keep it burried deep with in.

"M-my eldest half brother," I curled tighter, my eyes catching the light when I directed my attention to the outside. I didn't want to see his expression when I told him the truth. "How long do you think I was here... before all of this happened?"

"I thought you were here from your youth."

I let out a bitter laugh and shook my head, "No, I got here when I was 15. I learned quickly that's all."

"Then... what happened to you, to cause you to come here."

A long sigh left me as I slowly uncurled and leaned my head against the wall, "So many god forsaken things. I was pretty much an orphen in my own family. My parents where good natured and all but they didn't love me. The only time they spoke about me was if I did something that they could boast about. My sisters were consided or just mentally damaged and hid from the world. My brothers, I got a long with better, but they too put me down at every turn, making sure that I knew that I was worth the value of farming land that consisted of nothing but moss and bedrock. When I spoke I wasn't heard, when I did something to help, it was never noted." I sighed again, "But I didn't want anything else you know?" Covering my eyes with my hand I rested my elbow on a drawn up knee. I tried hard to keep my voice from cracking, "All I wanted was for them to understand that I was there and I too had a perpuse in life."

"What about this elder half brother?"

"That bastard," I tried to control my breathing. "He... he was... a..."

"Please tell me," he shifted closer.

".........He was a....... child molester. A sick sick creature that toyed with children but wouldn't go all the way. He would... touch and tease until you needed it the most then he would leave and control you that way! The fucker died though," I lowered my hand to see those eyes trying so hard to place themselves in my shoes. "He died and I'm happy about that, I'm so sickenly giddy over the idea that when I found out I threw up."

"You didn't hate him..."

I leaned forward so that my head was between my knees, my hands on the matress. It couldn't be helped, the tears started to flow from so many years of pain locked away.

"Yeah, I didn't hate him," I slowly rocked myself amazed that dispite the fact that I was sobing my voice was calm. "Why? Because he was a blood relitive. I couldn't hate him, if I did I would be denying the fact that I'm related to such a sicko. I would be hating a part of myself and I would be running away from the truth. I know I'm much better than him but at times... at times I wounder what it would be like to do certain things, that I know is wrong."

"But you don't, because you have self control. You shouldn't be angry at yourself for these odd tempations you get, it was something you where raised with so-"

"So what?! So roll over and keep having them?! I don't think sot's t's disgusting, do fucking dirty."

He closed his eyes at my out burst, our faces now close from when he moved closer and I did not notice. I shrunk back and muttered an appology. He was the last one I wanted to snap at, he was the only one I could connect with because he listened. He actually listened and not just heard.

After a moment of silence he looked at me, "Tell me... what do you believe is disgusting about yourself?"

"Everything," I watched my hands on the bed as I picked at some of the sheets. "I'm no better than a murdering whore."

"How many have you slept with?"

I shook my head, "No one."

"And..." he paused for a moment as if collecting his thoughts. "How many have you killed in cold blood?"

"No one."

My eyes opened wide in surprise when I felt his hands on my head. He forced me to look at him. His eyes were glistening and pained.

"If you have never truly been with someone, nor have taken a life in cold blood, never... never think of yourself like that," he rested his forhead against mine as his body shuddered for control. "Please, Milo..... I beg of you, never think like that again."

"C-Camus..." I closed my eyes, my teeth gritted as my breath became ragged. "I'm sorry," I whispered horsly. "I'm sorry." I took a hold of his hands that held the sides of my face as pained whimpers escaped my throat. I wanted to forget him, I wanted to forget all of them, but they wouldn't go away, none of them would... even if they had 'died'.

To be continued...