Numb

I ask you all bear with me, this is my 4th story and my first weiss fic, so please excuse my OOC if its there. also excuse the spelling and grammar errors, I try to find them, but nobody\'s perfect. ^^\' please review, I want to know if this is worth continuing.

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT own Weiss, shwartz, or any of the characters in this story. I\'m just messing with them for my own amusement. ^^
Warnings: yaoi, angst, death, weirdness, crappily written, don\'t sue.
Pairings: Yohji/Aya, Schuldig/Aya, possible Brad/Schu (I haven\'t decided yet ^^\')
Plot: Basically a mission goes wrong and everybody dies except Aya. Of course Aya goes ballistic and Kritiker throws him into an asylum, which leads to even more wonderful things.

*notes after revision* - I think this came out a whole hell of alot better. This was one of the worst chapters that needed the most fixing. I took that crap about the necklace out, I added a good page or two of descriptions and plot things and I completely re-did the beginning. To tell you the truth, over all, this is far closer to what I had imagined. I owe my inspiration to Suende who wrote a beautiful fiction called Fear. It was a bittersweet fic centering on Schu and Brad. I love it to pieces. I also would like to recognize Guiltyred who\'s Coming Home fiction has given me a good idea of what Schwartz should be like and that my own style has gotten better after reading her fiction.

//telepathic communication//

Numb

He was falling. Falling into an endless abyss, dark and cold and unfeeling. He sat there staring at you unable to do anything but let the destruction wash over him, like a tidal wave sweeping him out to an endless sea, out to death. He was lost...lost without you to save him…without your light to guide him home, to show him a life of pleasure.

Yes, that’s it. That’s what always causes this. He wasn’t allowed the bliss everyone else is allowed, after all, they’re free and he isn’t.

Free...

He wouldn’t know the meaning of freedom even if it walked up to him and smacked him across the face. Then again how could he? Having long since sold his freedom and his right to feel so long ago. He was nothing more than their machine, their puppet to be used until his strings broke and he was thrown away.

The numbness that was slowly spreading through his body finally began to wrap itself around his brain, tendrils of nothingness slowly setting in. No longer able to feel anything, to even think of anything he just waited. For what, he had no clue. Maybe some bum will come and end the misery and kill him for the few bucks in his pocket.

No, that would be too kind of a way for him to die. Kritiker will come and take him away and toss him in one of those lovely padded rooms and get him so high on happy pills he wouldn’t be able to think. He’d live in his own world, trying to convince himself that you never...

He pulled his eyes shut, trying to ward away the unwanted memories, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes, mingling with the blood on his face. The shreds of his body, mind, and soul screaming inside of him, unable to voice itself in anyway other than a single low moan of agony. He couldn’t stand any of this. He knew if he just got up and ran away from the past, the deception, and the lies...

Yet even now he was too scared to do anything, like he’d always been, even now with the gateway to freedom ready and waiting for him to go and live the last of his days in bliss. A part of him screams out that he could never escape, that he should give in to fate and stop fighting the inevitable, to let go and just become what nature is so intent to mold him into. Running was useless anyway. Kritiker would just find him and drag him back, like they always do.

He didn’t know how long he sat there, letting mental and physical exhaustion numb him; it could have been days, years, or merely seconds, it all seem so much the same to him. Inevitably they came, like flies to a zapper, human nature is filled to much with curiosity to stay away.

They came from every direction with their bright vehicles and flashing lights, attracted by the explosions. They were all yelling things he couldn’t have comprehended even if he had the strength to try. He just sat there, nobody paying him any heed. One of the women finally bent down in front of him and just stared. He stared back, feeling like he should know who she is, why she’s here. A part of his mind dared to hope that she might have been there to end it all for him, to free him and let him feel again. Something told him it wasn’t to be.

“How is he?” Another person, a man this time, he felt like he should know. “Do you think he’s too far gone to be saved Manx?”

“I don’t know Persia, I doubt they’re savable, but it wouldn’t hurt to try,” She reaches forward and places her hand on mine. “Don’t worry Abyssian...everything will be alright, I promise, we’ll get you out of here and you can heal.” I look at her, hardly able to comprehend what she had just said. How could he ever be alright with you gone? He nearly looses it when she tries to wrench your hand from his grasp. He wouldn’t let go, even if they were to threaten Aya-Chan. No, the only thing that would get him to let go would be if Farfarello were to go and cut away his fingers one by one, but even then he still wouldn’t stop trying, heould sooner die than admit that you’d never come back. “Aya, please! You must let go!”

“Abyssian, you must let go, it is necessary that you get medical treatment.” He knew better though. All Persia wanted was to get his head ‘fixed’ so that he could send him back to killing, after all, thats what they always wanted. They may say they care about you and wish to protect you, but they\'re always lies. After several unsuccessful minutes of coaxing and tugging, they finally gave up and Persia pulled something out of his pocket.

“I’m sorry that we have to do this Abyssian, but it’s the only way.”

He barley even feels the sting of the needle as Persia shoves the syringe into his arm. All he knew was that he had stopped falling and was just floating now. Floating into the kind arms of drug induced sleep.
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The hospital, another place he couldn’t stand. It was always so devoid of feeling with its white walls, crisp clean sheets, sterilized rooms, beeping machines, and the coughing of the sick and dying. All it ever did was serve as a reminder of what he’d willingly allowed himself to become just to save Aya-Chan. He’d given up on life after that, living on only for the sake of his sister. Yet, somehow you’d been able to crack through his barriers and show him that he was still worth something, that he was still human, that he could still feel, that he wasn’t just a killing machine, how could he help but fall for you.

Tears run down his face as he remembered what he’d almost done. He had nearly killed some girl when he’d woken up earlier when he found you weren’t there. But then of course Manx came in and interfered, tearing his hands off the nurse and forcing him to lie down with strength he didn’t think she could possibly have possessed. She tied him down, which under normal circumstances would have bugged the living crap out of him, but then again, at the time he was still too far-gone from drugs and pain to really care.

Now that he could think again, he drifted through what was left of his shredded head, instinctively trying to assess the damage done after being thrown into the giant equvilant of a cheese grater. Eventually he was forced to relive the nightmare. He could see the agony written all over his companions face, all over your face. If he could have, he would have long since curled up in a ball and started crying, certain he was more alone now than he’d ever been.

Eventually Persia and Manx came to visit him. They unbound him before they told him how physically he’d be fine, that he’d been making a miraculous recovery, and how they planned to move him soon. He couldn’t stop laughing at how ironic it all was, that all his past musings about when he’d finally be pushed off the edge they’d just declare him insane and toss him into the loony bin were true. Oh yes, soon he’d be too filled with drugs to think strait. But then again, why would he need to think? After all he just their tool, he was only needed for his ability to kill. It was only until Persia said that Weiss was permanently disbanded that he’d stopped laughing. Sure he was going to be labeled insane and thrown aside, but what about the others? They were all okay, they would come visit him and make what was left of his miserable life worth living.

“What do you mean disbanded?” He croak out, his voice horse from screaming. “Where will you put Omi and Ken, and what about Yohji? You told us we were your best team, why would you split us up now?” He was panicking again, terrified that it wasn’t just a dream, that you really did die.

“I’m sorry Abyssian but you were the only one who made it out of there alive. Bombay and Siberian are dead. So is-” No, he wouldn’t allow Persia to say it, he wouldn\'t, he couldn\'t.

“NO! He’s not gone! He’s alive, I know he is!” His eyes were wide, already leaking out tears. He hated the fact that he knew it was all true, but that didn\'t mean he had to accept it just because he knew it.

“Aya, please listen to me, Yohji is dead! You must accept that! We tried to save them but they’re gone!” At least it wasn’t Persia that had said it. If it had been him, he’d probably have called him a liar and tried to attack him.

“NO!” He screams and begins trashing about in the bed, eventually falling off and onto the cold white tiled ground. “YOHJI ISN’T DEAD!! HE’S NOT!” By now several doctors have been attracted by the noise and are trying desperately to hold him down without hurting him. “NO! YOHJI!!” After several minutes of struggling, what little energy he did have was exhausted and they managed to get the syringe into his arm and the drug into his system. “Yohji…” His voice dwindled into the barest of a whisper as the drug began to run it’s coarse. First his legs, then his arms and torso, and finally his head goes numb as the drug begins to seep into his mind.
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Damn dog. Why, oh why a dog? Why not a cat? They’re so much nicer and softer. They don’t slobber all over your face either. Why this idiot chose a stupid dog was beyond him, kinda like how he could be a doctor.

He couldn’t help but giggle as one of your many wisecracks about dogs comes to mind, particularly the one about the stick. However, the amusement was short lived as he fell back into the chaotic pit from whence he came. His memories of you have long since become short and far between. Every moment that passes by he forgets more and more your voice, the feel of waking up curled up in your warm embrace, the silk of your hair, even your slender face, those passionate green depths, that smirk meant only for him. He doesn’t even try to hold back the tears. Soon the idiot will return with that mutt and pump him full of drugs again. He’ll forget even more and sink back into the drug induced happy place, trapped in his own destructive mind. He found it funny how you were always the only one who could manage to protect him from himself. It took years of work, but in the end you managed to find the stick he’d had shoved up his own ass and pull it out. He couldn’t hold back the sudden bout of giggles, that was one of the few phrases you used that he’d never get over.
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The mission was going according to plan. Nagi was tucked safely away in the car, handing out information when needed; Farfie was frolicking happily amongst the dead psychos, and Brad was hacking into Kritiker’s database. All the while I was enjoying my sweet revenge. Oh yes. Asylums were one of the few things his mind was obsessed with during his nightmares. Normally it would take a serious injury and a lot of strain to get him to break down, but when it comes to simply being near an asylum, Nagi’s pink bunny slippers are stronger. He couldn\'t stand them for two reasons.

The first reason applies to anyone with a talent even close to his, and that was because insane people have such erratic minds that are more like black holes than human brains. He’d made the unfortunate mistake of prying too far and ended up getting sucked into the endless abyss that was once a human brain. Brad had ended up slapping him silly to get him to come back to reality, and even then, he\'d been too late. He hadn\'t been able to use his talent for close to a year, which was a pretty easy penalty considering he\'d come within less than an inch of loosing control of his power. If that had happened, he would have taken everyone within a five-mile radius with him. Yet even after three years he was still experiencing the backlash from that particular mistake. This was the first time that Brad had felt it would be safe enough for him to come inside and risk the same thing all over again instead of staying with Nagi and coming home with a head ache.

The other reason is one that still eludes me and all I do know is what Brad had told me once. That my mind didn’t want to remember and that the only time the memories do came back to haunted me, was in my sleep when I couldn’t keep them away. As a result I would often wake up with a cold sweat drenching my skin, panting as tears roll down my face.

I’m pulled out of the depth of my thoughts as the sight of fresh blood meets me when I turn the corner, telling me our dear Berserker is nearby. I don’t even bother to try stifle the small laugh that escapes my mouth as I look at the bodies. All but a few of the doors are open, blood spilling out into the hall. I watch as Farfarello darts out of a room midway down the hall and kicks open the door, leaving a bloodied footprint. I continue my way down the hall noting that Farf still has four more doors left in this hall to enter and reek havoc to it’s owners. I smirk as the thought of how much fear the last ones have got to be filled with after hearing the others screams of agony and horror as Farf guts them and leaves them to bleed out. I stop a few feet away from the door Farf had just kicked down a minute ago. Odd…he should have heard a scream and Farf’s laughing by now. Something was wrong, even if he hadn’t heard anything, he should at least see blood coming into the hall and Farf running gleefully to his next kill across the hallway. Turning into the room I find Farf standing there. Strange.

“Hey Farfie, find something?” I walk up behind him, placing my hand on his shoulder. He turns his head, an evil glint in his eye and an equally malicious curve in his smirk.

“Look what I found.” Letting out a giggle laced with the madness of his bloodlust, he points to one of the corners in the room. At first it just looked like a splatter of blood on the wall, but as I walked closer I realize the blood spatter was really red hair connected to a deathly pale face. A very familiar deathly pale face.

“No fucking way! You’ve got to be kidding me! One of the Weiss kittens! And here I was, thinking I’d killed him!” I burst into laughter. This was too good to be true. Not only was one of the kittens alive, but it was Abyssian! The most murderous and warped one of the group. There was no way in holy hell his day could get any better. Crouching down I run my fingers through his hair. The oil was so thick that when I pulled my hand back, it was shinny and I could see small lumps of grease were my hand had run along his head. I looked from my hand to the curled up figure on the floor. He looked like a starved, beaten kitten that had been thrown out onto the streets during a thunderstorm. I couldn’t help it as the pity hit me, turning and twisting my insides. I turn back to Farfarello hiding behind my normal mask.

“Brad’s gonna love this! It makes me wonder if the other kittens survived? I dunno about you, but life\'s just been to boring without them getting in the way.” Turning back I start looking to see it he’s injured. All I manage to find is hundreds of fresh scars coating his body, he made sure to take note that they seemed to center on his arms and torso.

“Have fun.” I’m not surprised when I turn around and find Farfarello had already left. That son of the devil could be damn fast when he wanted to be. Smirking, I pick the boy up and head towards Brad’s direction.

//Hey Bradly, guess what?//

//What Schuldig? I’m in the middle of something rather important.// The tinge of stress and exhaustion coated every word.

//You won’t believe what Farfie found!//

//Let me guess, another god hating psycho?// The sarcasm dripping off of his every word made me grin in delight.

//No, but I’m pretty sure we could find one.//

//What then?//

“A kitten!” I state proudly as I kick open the door. Quickly striding up next to him I lean over his shoulder and start going into my innocent schoolboy act. “Can we keep him? Plleeeeeaaaseeee? I promise I’ll be good. And I’ll clean him and feed him and play with him and take real good care of him!” I have a feeling this smirk of mine might be permanent by now, the shocked expression on Brad\'s face as he looks at the red head in my arms amuses me to many ways to count.

“How in hell’s name is HE alive?” Dropping the disk in his hands on the floor he jumps out of his roller chair, sending it flying across the room, to inspect my prize, and yes, I would consider the sexiest man on earth and his inability to kill me a very nice prize indeed.

“I was kinda wondering about that myself.”

“Have you looked inside his head yet?”

“No, the empty gaze and that fact that nobody in Kritiker who’s even remotely sane would put him here for no reason, kinda told me to go see you first.” I move to set Abyssian down in the chair Brad had just vacated, knowing it would be warm, and then I begin taking off my beloved green jacket and wrap his shivering form up in it. Noticing Brad’s \'What the hell!\' look I simply glare at him. “Have you felt him? He’s freezing! I’m not about to let this once in a lifetime chance pass me by! I’ve been after him since day one! You know that, so why would I let him slip away now?” He gives me a weird look before walking past me, picking up the forgotten disk.

“I want you scan his head while I finish up, depending on what you find, we might be able to keep him.” He sticks the disk into the hard drive, and begins to copy the files that he and Nagi deemed worthy. “I might even be able to find something on him in here.”

“Nerd.” I stifle a laugh as he flips me the finger and wheel the chair with my prize over to the corner. Sitting on a box, I reach out with my mind and begin to gently pry his shields open. It truly impressed me that he still had them, despite how weak they were now.

I was such an idiot. I should have known better than to dive head first into a psychotic man’s head after the last time, but nnnooooo, I mean after all, this is me and I never think before I do anything. Well, to tell the truth, I never really need to because I generally leave the plans to Nagi and Brad, not to say I’m just some stupid lapdog that does whatever someone says or anything.

Just like before, the darkness wraps itself around me, suffocating me, clinging to my sanity, determined to rob me of it. I panic, unable to get away, and start screaming and thrashing as the ice begins to consume me. On some distant level I can feel Brad pulling me away from Abyssian, shaking me, but ice thaws agonizingly slow. I can hear Brad, part of me even feels him try to control me, calm me, but I’m too far gone, like a deer trapped in headlights. I feel strong arms around me, trying to get me to stop thrashing, I only fight harder. I’m trapped, I’ve gotta get out of here. Darkness sweeps me into oblivion, as my mind, overloaded, begins to shut itself down.
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So, do ya hate me for stopping yet? ^^ Ooooohhhhh....so is Shu still alive? Is Aya okay? Tell me what ya think and I may continue with this. Please review, please pleeeaaassssee pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeee???????!!!!

(By the way, yes, after being chased, bitten, and being allergic to them, I do hate dogs)


*notes after revision* - Yes, I purposely wrote Aya using \'him\' and \'he\' and not using \'I\'. You\'ll also notice that I used both \'he\' and \'I\' with Schu. It\'s because Aya is in an irrational stated of mind. As Aya slowly gets saner later on he\'ll begin using both \'he\' and \'I\' like Schu does. Like before, please leave a review. I swear I\'ll fix the other chapters soon, it\'s just that I\'m trying to finish The Two Towers before the end of next week and I\'m only on like page 100 out of 352. o_O Please have patience with me.