Forgetting You

*~*~*~*The characters in this chapter and all others do not belong to me, as much as I wish they did.... they belong to Koyasu Takehito and Project Weiss.... *~*~*~*~

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Asuka is dead.

I tell myself that every night before I go to sleep... and every morning when I wake. It never makes any difference. It seems like every time I close my eyes I see her. But the worst thing is, I never see happy things anymore. I used to. Now the only images that I see in my head is her face as I choked the last breath from her throat... the empty look in her eyes as she called another man\'s name. I don\'t care what happened to her. She was still Asuka, deep inside. I knew she was there, I just... couldn\'t reach her... I couldn\'t reach her!

Every night I am dead on the inside. I never dream. I never cry. I bring home a different woman to fill my bed. I know I\'m just trying to replace her, and I know it will never work. I want to fall in love... I really do... but I can never love anyone, not the way I loved Asuka.

Ever since Neu\'s death, I haven\'t been the same. The only one who seems to be catching on is Ken. No one gives him enough credit. When it comes to real life, he\'s just about experienced it all. We are very different, Ken and I, but all the same I consider him my best friend. We may not have many of the same interests, but still he holds my hair when I drink myself sick and I play video games with him even though it would probably kill my image if anyone found out.

I opened my eyes and I saw her face in the shadows.

I crawled out of bed listlessly, trying hard not to wake up Ken, who happened to sleep on the bottom bunk of our bed. I always hated having top, but Ken falls out of bed on occasion, and once in a while he sleepwalks. I thought only little kids did that kind of stuff until I had to share a room with Ken. I grabbed a pack of smokes and dragged my feet all the way out the front door.

A shiver ran the length of my spine. I flicked my lighter once and pushed one of my infamous cancer sticks into the tiny blue flame. I don\'t care if it\'s bad for me or a disgusting habit. Sometimes it seems like the only thing that can lessen my pain.

Why does it still hurt?

I crushed the cigarette into the metal railing and flicked it out into the rising sun. The sky was turning a vibrant pink, laced with oranges, purples and blues. Asuka always loved the sunrise. It was her favorite time of the day. I released a heavy sigh and bit the inside of my mouth. God, I hate it. I don\'t want to think about her... I don\'t want to...

...but I don\'t want to forget her, either.

I pushed the slightly crushed pack of cigarettes into my robe\'s breast pocket and turned to go back inside for a cup of coffee.

\"Ohaiyo, Yohji...\" Omi said, sleepily slipping ahead of me in his own march for the kitchen.

\"Ohaiyo, chibi.\"

Six o\' two...

\"Omi, shouldn\'t you get ready for school, it\'s an hour drive from here...\"

Omi looked over at me, a little shocked. \"Yohji-kun... don\'t you know what day it is?\"

I paused... February... twenty... eigth... yeah, that was right. \"February twenty-eigth.\" Omi\'s doe eyes went wide. He looked extremely hurt.

A huge yawn erupted from behind me as Ken dragged his feet into the room and opened the fridge. \"Ah, poo, I tried to get up early so I could be first for once.\" He set the half gallon of milk on the table and went to get the cereal from the cabinet. \"Oh well,\" He grinned, sitting in between the two of us. \"Happy birthday anyways, Omi-chan!\"

I needed a good slap in the face. And his eighteenth, too. The pit of my stomach balled up and I felt like puking. It must have slipped my mind... maybe because of all the brooding I had done lately. But it didn\'t matter as to why. I was still scum for forgetting... and I had meant to take him to a strip club, too...

~~~~

How does one atone for something so obviously wrong? How does one apologize when their masculinity balls the words up in their throat?

I couldn\'t apologize. Not for something like that.

...and I can\'t apologize to Asuka, either.

Sometimes it feels like life doesn\'t move on. I\'ve been stuck in this same rut for so long, I can\'t remember what it feels like to look ahead to brighter days. Worse than that, I\'m dragging everyone around me down into this pit. It\'s not like I do it on purpose, it\'s just that... I don\'t know anything else. I replay the same tales. Live the same mistakes.

I left the house as early as I could. Aya-er-Ran had just gotten out of bed, and I knew that I only had the once chance to escape. I\'m so stupid. Always forgetting the date.

I walked into the liquor store casually, thinking that maybe if I could drown my sorrows they would stay dead for once. Not likely.

I bought a little of everything hard, and a couple six packs. I spent all the money I had.

I know that all I can do is try. Asuka always told me not to let the world get the best of me. It\'s harder than it sounds. And it\'s even harder when I know that deep down I\'m still putting Asuka before everything else.

She\'s gone. Move on, Yohji...

Why won\'t my heart let her go?

~~~~

I felt pretty bad when I didn\'t have anything to give Omi once Ran pulled out his gift. Ken I expected, but Ran... Omi must think I don\'t give a shit. I try to give a shit... I don\'t know if it\'s working, but I sincerely try.

And he looked at me with those big doe eyes, just pleading for me to care. I tried to ignore it, but to tell the truth, he cut me. He really cut me. Maybe I\'m not so big of a man after all...

I\'ve never been good with thoughtful gifts. Everyone seems to take Ken for the clumsy one, but when it comes to things like this, I take the cake. Ken can get anything out of someone by just bugging them to death... and now it seems Ran can just read people like books.

It\'s probably good I didn\'t try to buy Omi some sort of heartfelt gift. It would have been a pair of ridiculous sunglasses or some sort of gag from the porn shop. Sure, things like that are fine, but not for someone like Omi. Omi\'s the hardest one of us to gift shop for.

I\'d give him his gift in a couple hours, as soon as I got a hold of his cellphone. I never really saw Omi bring any friends over or even really talk about anyone, but I knew he had to have friends. It made sense why he wouldn\'t want to bring anyone over with cold-as-ice Ran always watching everything like a hawk... oh yeah, and the assassin thing, too.

I wonder what Asuka would think if she knew I\'d become an assassin after quitting the PI business... she\'d probably roll over in her grave, if she hasn\'t already.

On my way to the bathroom is when I crept into Omi\'s room and swiped the cellphone off his dresser.

I closed the toilet and sat down, flipping it open... Aya... Ken... myself. I frowned. Of course he wouldn\'t put our \'business contacts\' on his personal phone... but, no friends? How could that be? Everyone takes kindly to Omi... I just couldn\'t get it.

~~~~

\"Happy 18th, chibi!\" I shouted, holding up two bottles. \"Welcome to manhood, little buddy!\"

Omi\'s eyes went wide, mildly confused. I knew he would be. We\'d never let him drink before, and he wasn\'t quite sure if I was implying that he\'d get to. I smiled widely and tossed one of the bottles to the young man of the hour.

Ken grabbed his shoulder, encouragingly. \"Come on, Omittichi, it\'s your day, let loose!\"

Ran scowled a little, but not really any more than usual. I winked over at him. \"Feel free to join us, Ranran! It\'s okay to loosen up every once in a while. We won\'t tell if you do.\"

\"Yeah, I promise we\'ll never bring it up again!\" Ken put a fist to his chest. Bold words for someone like him, but much to my surprise, Ran uncrossed his arms and started to approach the group.

\"Deal. But go back on that promise...\"

A big stupid smile crossed the soccer player\'s face. \"Cheers!\"

And just as I figured, all my companions were lightweights. Maybe I shouldn\'t have let them start with the hard stuff... but lightweights or not, everyone seemed to be having fun, and that was the point.

After about five drinks, I started to get a little loopy, myself. Step one. I looked around the room, still completely aware and thinking rational thoughts. Well, maybe I was... maybe I was closer to drunk than I thought. I swore I saw Ken flirting with Ran a little bit. Either I was seeing things, or Ken was pretty damn drunk... though I guess it wouldn\'t take too much booze to make Ran look like a pretty hot chick.

I smiled, bittersweet thoughts clouding my head as I downed three shots of tequila in a row. I planned on getting plastered, so drunk I wouldn\'t even remember that I existed for a few hours. So drunk that Asuka would drown with my sorrow.

I don\'t remember a thing after that.

~~~~

The next morning when I awoke, I had the hangover of my life. I had to get some coffee in my system, though I knew it wouldn\'t do anything for my headache. If I could just remember that trick I\'d learned off of that anime Omi was always watching... something about an egg?? I don\'t know... but If i could have thought of it, hell, I was ready to give anything a try.

Give anything a try, huh?

That\'s when I realized a certain warmth at my side. My eyes nearly bulged from my skull when I saw it, my heart starting to race... there was Omi, shirtless, curled up beside me. No way... I pulled myself out of the bed and found my pants as quickly as possible.

It wasn\'t happening... I nearly tripped out of the room, hoping that at any moment I would just snap out of it, wake up in my own room in my own cold bed. This could turn out bad, really bad.

Maybe nothing happened. Maybe we just crashed together in a drunken stupor...

But my heart tells me otherwise. I\'m afraid to look him in the eyes when he comes in for breakfast. I didn\'t tell Ken, I didn\'t tell anyone. I don\'t know what it means. I don\'t know anything. I\'m so confused... I wish... I wish somebody else could tell me, clear things up.

Maybe he doesn\'t remember...