To Be A Lonely Ronin

Title: TO BE A LONELY RONIN
Author: Samurai Champloo (c) geneon.
Summary: Started off as something else, then became this, heh. ^_^U
Rating: yaoish themes. Language.
Pairing(s): Hinted Mugen/Jin
Feedback: desired.
Characters: Usual SC cast.
Author’s Notes:
((I don\'t do too many character POV pieces, but my sexy little trout gets special attention. Plus, Jin doesn\'t get rapped in this one! O_^ Seems I kinda have a tendency to do that...I\'m gonna go pillage and plunder with Mugen for a while, you all go on and read...Don\'t wait up. 0_o Enjoy!))
Disclaimer: ...I think we all know I don\'t own any of the characters.

13 JULY 2005, 4:20PM, WEDS.

He\'s doing it again...

Walking annoyingly close to me.
Why? I know he enjoys making me angry, but can\'t he let off for one day?
I suppose considering how Fu is rambling on, he\'d rather take his chances than lose his hearing.

Like I care.
A fight is the farthest thing from my mind right now.

I can feel my stomach starting to digest itself. Food has been nothing more than a lofty dream, or a passing scent lately. If Mugen wouldn\'t have wasted all our money on gambling, we could be at an Inn right now...Sweet, sweet, double shrimp tempura...With noodles...Aghh!

Stop, stop thinking about it!

I can see Mugen raising his eyebrow at me, the ridiculous one that is split in half...
I must have sighed too loud, I\'ll have to be more careful.
Yes, yes, must remain indifferent; even if for no reason than to piss him off.

I can be ruthless too, heartless, and disgusting. If he pushes me far enough one day he\'ll find out how cutthroat I can be. It isn\'t always easy remaining so calm and aloof...Especially around him.

Okay I admit it, he is attractive.
Not that I usually go for men, but he is an exception. The night we spent in that torture department store place...
I thought I was going to die. Part of me almost revealed that before I met my end I would like to taste the forbidden fruit. To allow the unruly man to ravage my body with his strong, unyielding hands.

He\'s looking at me again...
Heh, if he only knew...Stupid wild dog.

If he only knew what those eyes do to me; how they melt every inch of my self control.
I watch him sometimes...When he sleeps...
The man is so loud, I\'m amazed he gets any rest at all.

Heh, the way he sprawls out over any surface...
How I would love to be under than lethal tan body; those unpredictable legs...

I must stop.
I know where too much of this thought leads.
Another night meditating by a stream, or a cold dip in the river to calm myself.

Not that she is any less distracting. Fu...
Innocence wrapped up in a pink kimono. Yet, somehow, there is a great passion behind her wide eyes. She knows things, very adult things I can tell. Ever since that night I left to save Shino she has never acted the same towards me.

I suppose I deserve it, after reading her diary.
How was I to know she had feelings for me?!

She never said anything, and surely never hinted around to it. Now she stays by him. I know the two of them have been together. Never heard anything, but more than one night I\'ve awoke to find both their futons empty. Or they are no where in sight, only to be back by morning. Coincidences are not to be used as excuses.

Hhhh...

This is getting me no where.
Why am I thinking so much? Walking never made me do this before...
Maybe you\'re jealous?

No, I know I am.
Just because I wish to be honorable, doesn\'t mean I wish to be alone.
Shino was the first person I truly cared about in a long time...

But even she, there was no way we could make it work. Sometimes I wonder about her, where she is...
Did she make it safely? Is she happy? Does she...think about me?

I was mortified when she walked up to that unagi vendor.
There was the most beautiful woman I had seen in years, and there I was looking like an idiot selling eel. I didn\'t even know how to prepare them, if she didn\'t help me it would have been a nightmare. It was the most embarrassing moments of my existence, and yet; sometimes I think those hours we spent there were the best of my life.

Heh, she ate the monstrosity I cooked for her, every bite. I know it had to be painful to say the least...
Everything that we went through, that I went through...It was worth it the night we made love. I think I still owe Mugen the money I borrowed to buy a night with her.

I was happy she made the first move. It would not have been in my power to show her how I felt for her.
How each day she spent in that brothel tore a chunk of my heart out.
But I must forget about that...She\'s free now. I know she is...
Perhaps one day our paths will meet again, if not, I am thankful for knowing her once.

Heh, and you Sousuke...
You showed me how to love. When I seen how strong your will to save Otsuzu was, something clicked in me. If this boy was willing to kill, to risk his own life for the woman he loved, then what kind of a coward was I? Hiding behind a mask of tradition and samurai code. I knew then that I was lonely, and wanted to change that; even if it meant risking my own life.

I didn\'t want to hurt Fu, I didn\'t want to leave without fighting Mugen again...
But I had to stand up as Sousuke did for the woman I loved, even if we could never have been together.

Yes, I did love Shino...
It was only a few days, but she was so beautiful.
So strong, and intelligent...
Every word that spouted from her lips was like ancient wisdom or poetry of the sages.

But...

She didn\'t know the true me, about my past.
How I killed my own master.
Whatever reason I had for it, the fact remains I did it. Like Ogura said, \'How could I?\'...
I don\'t want to think about that....I\'ve made my peace with it.

Hhhh...

Why is it so hot?
Earlier it was only slightly warm, but now...
I\'m going to die before we ever reach civilization, I know it.
If we\'re not there in a few hours, I\'m going to cook Mugen. Not much meat, but he should fry up nicely...

What are you thinking?!
You\'re going to be a cannibal now too?!
Control yourself, don\'t start acting like him.
He\'s probably walking there thinking the same thing...
Sick bastard.

Walk, walk, walk, walk...Is that all we do?
Being poor has so many disadvantages...
Tem...pu...ra...Need...food...So hungry...

Stop it!

Straighten up, people are staring!
\'Even though a samurai has not eaten, he still has a toothpick. Inside skin of a dog, outside skin of a tiger.\'
Or at least that\'s what Hagakure says...

Hhhhhhh...

Damn book.
If I still had it I\'d eat a few pages; I\'m sure Tsunetomo-sama would be proud of that...

Don\'t you dare start laughing!
They\'ll think you\'ve lost it finally.
Not that they look any better. Fu\'s so low to the ground she could pick up a scent like a dog. I\'m pretty sure Mugen\'s walking in a coma as well.

People must really wonder when they see us trudge by...
Two men and a young woman is bad enough, but when they look like they\'ve been in a prison camp.
No wonder we always get caught up in some weird scenario.

Like the time that woman rolled us...

I should have had my head examined for drinking in the first place; I could never hold it well anyway. By the time Mugen dragged me out of the tea house I was halfway drunk. I still can\'t forget the taste of that foreign wine she had, horribly bitter...

Not to mention they forced me to pawn my glasses.

Come to think of it, they take my belongings quite often. My swords for that eel eating competition...
I\'ll have to remember to keep a close watch on things from now on.

I\'d sell the glasses and my clothes for food right now though...
Or maybe make Mugen sell his...
Nah, no one would pay for his dirty belongings. The pawn owner even refused to take his sword, saying it wasn\'t a name brand. Despite the glasses being sold, and being drugged and rolled, it was worth it to hear that.

Fool...

It is a strange blade.
I would never ask, but often I find myself staring at it.
Wondering how heavy it is, how sharp it\'s blade might be. I\'m sure he\'d let me hold it; but I would never give him the satisfaction of knowing it interested me.
Perhaps one night when he is asleep...

Unique sword for a unique man I suppose.
So what does that make me?

Plain?

Heh, probably.
The only decoration on my blades are the eye inlays...
Wow, really eccentric isn\'t it?

I can feel myself frowning at my own comment.

I don\'t have to be plain. I can be spontaneous too...If I desired to be so, that is.
Oh stop lying, you barely know the meaning of the word.
You\'ve spent your whole life in a dojo mostly...
Not like their full of witty banter and trends.

You...need those two.
To show you how to live, to be alive. Not just passing through your life serving a master, or training.
I don\'t think I ever had any fun until I met them. Fun isn\'t usually the word for it, but there have been some enjoyable moments...Some that are just weird...

But you\'re living at least.
You\'re out there walking around, meeting people, seeing different things.
It\'s worth the heat and hunger to experience life on the fly.

I...I like it actually.

I feel more free with those two than ever in my life.
But I could never tell them that, like they\'d listen anyway. They all think I\'m so boring...

Maybe I am?

Hhhhhh...

\"Oi?!\" A gruff voice softly called out from in front of me.

I looked up at him, he\'s not worth the effort to speak yet.

\"What the hell you sighing so damn much for?\" He was staring at me.

If he cocked his head to the side he\'d appear to be a dog.
\"Nothing.\" I lied.

\"Then shut the fuck up...\" He returned to his walking.

And thus we continue to move along, Fu didn\'t even hear him I think.

Heh, it tells me one thing though.
He\'s now a ways away from me, and he was still listening.
Does he think I\'ll say something?
Or could it be he actually cares about my well being?

Woah, hold up. You\'re letting the heat affect your thinking...

That bandit would never care about you, so stop thinking anything otherwise.
You really are insane deep inside aren\'t you?

If anything he\'s listening for my attack.
Yes, that\'s what it is. He thinks I\'ll sneak up behind him and cut his throat, or shank him.
He should...because I easily could. Just give me a reason.

You hear that, you sexy fucking undisciplined baka?!
Give me one tiny reason to spill your guts on this road!

Heh, heh...
Like you could ever say that aloud, you impostor.
You\'re just like him and you know it...
You admire him because he can be as he is.
He has no code, or morals to hinder his pursuit of happiness.

Or his pursuit of pleasure and carnal desire...

Heat, it\'s the heat!!

You are nothing like him!
You\'ve spent your entire life learning how to control those baser, lesser instinct\'s!
You\'re above fraternizing, and one night stands!

You are...

As long as you stop staring at his ass.

- - - - -

END

((Hope that doesn\'t seem as choppy as it felt, heh ^_^U I always wonder what Jin is thinking as the three walk endlessly. Mugen and Fu complain every so often, but he rarely does. I thought: \'he\'s one of those quiet, inward people, having a completely interesting conversation with himself\'...Originally I had wrote a lot more; them eating, around a fire, having to earn money, then the parts you read above. I mixed them with a few others and the rest became this piece. ^_^ Domo!))