The Love I Couldn't Keep

A/N: I was moody when I wrote this. Actually I have that backwards. I was moody, so I wrote this. Yes, I am aware they aren't quite in character. I just needed to write this to vent. I wouldn't have put it up at all, but decided it would be nice for you angst lovers out there like me.

Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki or the characters in this fanfiction (Though I wish I did). I am in no way being paid for this writing. It is for pure entertainment.

Pairing: GojyoxHakkai


*****The Love I Couldn’t Keep*****


Tight arms gripped him, promising to keep him close no matter what happened. Promising everything would be alright. Promising tender love. But he knew better. Everything wasn’t going to be alright and he knew. He knew… That must have been what made it all easier. He knew the inevitable end to this sweet tender moment. Knowing and accepting it, was different from wanting it though. He would give both eyes to just stay here a little longer in his lover’s arms believing everything would be fine. If only it hadn’t happened…

“Oi Sanzo-sama, we seem to be getting a lot of ‘looks’. What did you do?” The redhead said from the back seat of the green Jeep.

“Why does it have to be my fault? You’re the one with the eye-catching hair color.” Sanzo retorted. The blond sat with his arms folded over his chest, eyes shut, and head tilted downward the tiniest bit.

“Now, now we don’t know anything for sure until we ask.” The healer behind the wheel said. He pulled up to an inn and parked Jeep. The four males stepped out and the vehicle transformed into a white dragon that took perch on Hakkai’s shoulder. The four entered the inn and walked up to the counter.

“What do you want?” The manager blurted out glaring at the three youkai members of the ikkou. “Their kind ain’t allowed here. They ain’t even allowed in this village, yer gonna have ta find some wheres else ta stay.” He said rudely.

“Really? Well if that is the case then—” Sanzo was cut off by Hakkai.

“Please, we will only be here one night. If you could bear with us for that long it would greatly be appreciated.” Hakkai stepped one pace closer to the desk and smiled warmly.

“Ya seem like a nice guy an’ all, but I gotta say no. Ya see, youkai keep losin’ their minds the minute they take one step inta this village. I ain’t never had nothin’ against yer kind, but I just don’t wanna be dead either. ‘Sides, it’s best for you three anyways. You’ll keep yer sanity that way. Go on naw, get.” The innkeeper said in a semi polite tone.

With heavy complaints from Goku and Gojyo, the ikkou traveled through the village on their way out. Not too far from the western exit, they were ambushed.

“Sanzo ikkou! We’re here for the Maten scripture and your lives! Prepare to hand the over the sutra and surrender!” One of the demons called out. As the battle ensued one of the demons began growling furiously and clutching his head. He collapsed to the ground followed by a few more and they all howled in agony, leaving the ikkou completely baffled.

“What the hell?!” Sanzo clicked open the revolver allowing the shells to fall to the ground before reloading it. “What’s going on?” One of the demons that had been crying out, stood up and lashed out at the closest person, which happened to be Goku. The demon looked crazed. Like a mindless killer, or a rabid animal.

“Watch where you’re swingin’ those claws!” Goku said clobbering the demon over the head with the Nyoi-bo.

“Oi Sanzo, could this be the minus wave?” Gojyo asked as he jumped back from an attacking demon and decapitated it with the crescent blade.

“Aa, the innkeeper did say when demons came to this town they became crazed shortly after. Perhaps that is why they—Gah!” Hakkai stopped in mid-sentence as he was struck in the side of the head while distracted by his conversation and another demon. His hands went to his ear and he began to fall then his eyes widened. “Shimatta!” He breathed in a frightened whisper. His hand touched warm liquid, most likely blood, but it also felt something horribly wrong. Where he should have felt three metal cuffs, there was torn flesh and blood, but no ear cuffs. He hit the ground as his body began to transform.

“Oi ‘Kai, you alright?” Gojyo called and cut through the demons to get to Hakkai. His eyes landed on the brunette then he spotted the red that twisted over his entire body. Gojyo jumped back on instinct, and not a minute too soon either. Just as he leapt into the air, a hand swiped out at his ankles and narrowly missed them. “Hakkai!” Gojyo tried to reach his demon friend. “Hakkai!” His eyes darted over to Sanzo. “His limiters came off!”

“Nani?! They don’t just come off!” Sanzo yelled and turned after banishing two demons. Hakkai was standing up at this point, head down, eyes cast into shadow by his long bangs. Sanzo spotted the bloody left ear. The demon’s claws had caught into Hakkai’s skin along with the limiters, tearing them from his ear. “Hakkai put your limiters back on!” Sanzo ordered but gained no reaction from the youkai.

By this time, Goku had finished off the remaining demons in the tussle and turned to face Hakkai. “C’mon Hakkai! Limiters!” The boy bellowed.

It took several seconds before the demon responded. “Hai hai…” Then he scanned the ground and found the three small silver limiters. Gathering them up, he clipped them to his right ear and transformed back. “Sumimasen.” He said once he was back to normal with an apologetic smile.

“Damn Hakkai, that was close.” Gojyo said heavily dropping an arm around the green-eyed youkai’s shoulder. “Let’s get going, I don’t want to run into any more of them.” Gojyo said kicking a demon corpse.

“Aa, iku zo.” Sanzo said and they left the village.

Goku was in the shower at the inn in the next village while Sanzo and Gojyo had a smoke on the balcony. Hakkai stood out there with them, feeding Hakuryu who was perched happily on his shoulder. The night sky was beautiful, riddled with stars. Gojyo looked out at the tree tops and glittering lake before throwing his head back in a sigh.

“Why can’t all the nights be like this? Beautiful and quiet.” The redhead asked.

“Indeed.” Hakkai responded with a smile. Suddenly Hakuryu hisses and jumped from Hakkai’s shoulders, hovering above him in the air. He began chittering wildly at Hakkai. “Hakuryu, what’s gotten into you? I won’t hurt you.” Hakkai looked shocked and confused. Then he brought a hand up to cover his eye and staggered backward, nearly falling over the balcony.

If Gojyo hadn’t caught Hakkai, he would have plunged to a painful fall. “Oi Hakkai! Hekki ga Hakkai!” Gojyo pulled his friend back and slowly laid him onto the ground. Once on the ground, the youkai curled up in a fetal position, clutching his head and grimacing. “Hakkai! What’s wrong?”

Sanzo was up and standing over the two, currently not looking concerned. He didn’t figure there was cause for concern until he saw the glow around Hakkai’s body. A demonic aura…? Sanzo allowed a small sign of concern to slip into his annoyed expression. The limiters on Hakkai’s right ear shattered. “Nani?!” He jumped back a bit as Hakkai lashed a hand upward.

Gojyo moved back but was pinned against the rail of the balcony. He looked down as Hakkai leapt to his feet and snarled like a rabid animal. Rabid. Gojyo’s heart stopped and his blood was like liquid nitrogen in his veins. The clawed hand slashed at Gojyo’s chest once again, and he summoned Shakujou on instinct and caught Hakkai’s hand on the metal bar. “Hakkai snap out of it!” Gojyo tried to reason with him.

Sanzo had drawn his gun and aimed it at Hakkai, but didn’t dare fire. “Kappa, I might have to shoot him, step back.”

“Where the hell would you like me to step to?” Dodging another strike and countering with a heavy smack to the back of Hakkai’s head. “C’mon Hakkai!” Gojyo dodged again and tried to kick Hakkai’s footing out but the demon jumped. He landed down on Gojyo with a heavy drive of claws into Gojyo’s chest. In return, the redhead hacked up blood and kicked at Hakkai’s stomach to throw him off. The green-eyed youkai jumped again, but flipped over Gojyo’s head, landing close to Sanzo.

“Che!” Sanzo shot the brunette in the leg when he turned to attack the blonde. An inhuman howl of pain was ripped from the youkai’s throat. He did everything he could to keep Hakkai away, but he just kept coming. Sanzo shot the other leg, followed by another cry and a very angry youkai.

“Sanzo, what do we do about a limiter? He destroyed his!” Gojyo called, trying to find something to bind Hakkai with.

“I don’t think a limiter would to any good at this point, he’s…” Sanzo stopped. Blood was dripping from the corner of the youkai’s mouth and with another howl of pain, Sanzo saw the source. The youkai had bitten down hard onto his tongue and must have severed the artery. Sanzo’s chest clenched. ‘You’ll never betray me, right?’ He had asked and Hakkai had replied, ‘When you say it like that, there is no way I would be able to betray you.’ ‘He would probably bite his own tongue rather than betray me.’ “Oh God Hakkai…” Sanzo said and could almost see the desperate look that cried out for him. ‘Please shoot me.’ It said.

Hakkai lunged at Sanzo and everything moved in slow motion. Sanzo raised the silver revolver, cocked the hammer back, aimed it at Hakkai’s chest, and hesitated. The youkai smiled and his eyes filled with tears as he came down on Sanzo. Bang! Hakkai’s body fell back, still being in midair. His nearly lifeless mass hit the ground and slid back a few feet, leaving a trail and splatters of blood on the floor. His small frame convulsed and he hacked blood out of his lungs. Tears still streamed down his face and he choked a ‘thank you’ to the priest. Sanzo put the gun away and looked down at him, but didn’t move closer. He said nothing.

On the other hand, Gojyo was at the youkai’s side and lifted his writhing body onto his lap and held him in his arms. He shot the priest a glare that could have killed someone. “What the fuck?! You bastard, this is Hakkai!” His voice was venomous.

Sanzo crossed his arms and turned away, but didn’t retort back some smart ass comment like he normally would. His voice was calm. “Hakkai died the minute his limiters shattered and the minus wave took over. You of all people know Hakkai wouldn’t attack me out of cold blood, and sure as hell not you.” He promptly walked back out onto the balcony and lit a cigarette. Inside, he was actually hurting, but he couldn’t tell anyone that. The priest was actually angry at himself for more than one reason. For not being able to help Hakkai, and for becoming so attached to these three demons.

Gojyo held onto Hakkai tightly. The youkai didn’t even try to attack him anymore. Blood filled Hakkai’s lungs and his body grew so weak from blood loss that his shuddering frame began to slowly still.

And that’s how things lead up to this point…

Gojyo’s hands and clothes were drenched in Hakkai’s blood by now, and he didn’t even seem to notice. All he cared about was keeping the dieing demon’s body warm, but that wasn’t working. The brunette’s skin began to feel deathly cold and that caused Gojyo to hug him even tighter. He didn’t want to let go. He thought maybe if he held on tight enough, Hakkai’s life wouldn’t slip away and he could hold him here. Hakkai began to whimper, trying to say something to Gojyo, but didn’t have the strength left to speak. “Shhh… I know ‘Kai. Don’t waste your strength talking.” He soothed and to his surprise, the demon clutched Gojyo’s arm like a frightened child, hugging it to his chest and nuzzling his hand.

Gojyo could feel his heartbeat. It was erratic and weakening. Sanzo had missed his heart. Was it on purpose, or was Sanzo having trouble with his aim? Gojyo had tucked Hakkai’s head under his chin and hugged his body against his. He turned a glance at the monk that had been watching them from the balcony. The moment Gojyo’s red eyes met Sanzo’s amethyst ones; the blonde turned his head as if he hadn’t been watching. ‘He couldn’t kill Hakkai.’ Gojyo realized.

Hakkai shivered against Gojyo’s body and managed to mutter his name in a whisper. “I love you ‘Kai. I love you with everything I have.” He felt Hakkai’s smile against his hand and a single last tear fell onto the warmth of the redhead’s skin before Hakkai’s heart stilled. “’Kai?” Gojyo asked and shook him ever so slightly. “Hakkai?” There was no response and Gojyo cried. He cried long and hard. The first love he was able to actually have. Someone who would love him back with all his heart. That someone had just died in his arms. His clothes and hands were stained in that one person’s blood.

Sanzo finally had to threaten Gojyo before he could get him to stop moping. “Kuso kappa! Why the hell are you acting like you killed him!? You didn’t have to pull the trigger you little shit!” Sanzo yelled out of frustration and partly guilt. “If you’d like, I can send you with him!” The monk pressed the barrel of the banishing gun into the redhead’s temple. “Now get up, we need to leave. Now.” Gojyo didn’t pull away from the gun, and he didn’t retort either. He just stood up and collected his things so they could leave.

They buried Hakkai and left the town. Gojyo kept the demon’s monocle in his pocket as a sort of memory trinket. Sanzo stood outside next to a transformed Jeep and a very quiet Goku. Gojyo just figured he didn’t know what to do. The boy hadn’t actually experienced such a loss that he could remember. Sanzo looked back at Gojyo, his voice softer than usual.

“Who is going to drive?” He asked quietly. “I can’t drive, and I don’t think Goku can either. I heard you drove us away from Kami-sama. Are you able?”

“Hai… I’ll drive.” Gojyo settled into the driver’s seat and Hakuryu chirred an almost depressed sounding noise. It took Gojyo several seconds before he actually stepped on the accelerator. He wasn’t supposed to be in this seat. Hakkai was. This was so very wrong.

Later that night there had been several instances where each remaining member of the Ikkou suffered the pain of grief. “Oi, Hakkai! Where’d you put the sake!” Gojyo would call before realizing the brunette wasn’t there and his chest tightened. “Hakkai! Feed your damned parrot before I shoot it!” Sanzo growled and both he and Hakuryu stopped. Then the blonde silently stood up and fed the dragon with out another word that night. “Hey Hakkai, what’re we havin’ for dinner?” Goku asked and turned to find Hakkai wasn’t there.


The next few days were very quiet indeed. They went out to eat for each meal, at which, Goku hardly ate. They didn’t say a word to each other unless it was absolutely necessary. The trio and dragon continued their trip west, one member short, and heavy hearts.

Gojyo sighed as he looked up at the stars. ‘There was the love I couldn’t attain… Then you filled that void. Now there is the love I couldn’t keep.’

["And now you're dead inside.]
[Still you wonder why.]
[It's all over."]

A/N:
And there you have it folks. The end.

Feedback is always welcome. Tell me how much you liked it or how much you hated it, but please don't go off on a tangent if you didn't like it.
Thank you for reading!